Self Pity Time

For anyone looking for news about Joe, this post will have very little information.  This is self pity time.  11pm: Friday night August 24, 2012 Duke University Hospital.  4th night at the hospital.

Joe started having chills again a little after 9pm.  They took his temp and it was 98.6.   His chills got steadily worse (I even climbed into bed with him to try and warm him up - and it is hot in this room already).  At 10:10pm, I had the nurse to come back in and take his temp.   It was 102.6  so that's 4 degrees in an hour.  They gave him 2 tylenol and the doctor ordered more blood to be drawn for cultures.  They've drawn it from the port and we are waiting for someone from the lab to come draw from his arm.  Guess we are guaranteed another 48 hours in here.  He's drifting off to sleep now that the chills have stopped but will be awakened shortly when they arrive to draw blood.

But that's about it.  We had a good evening. He ate all his dinner, fish - YECK!!!!!, and then afterward we went for a walk around the 9th floor.  He wanted to go down to the 3rd and walk over to the clinic side, but I said no since it was so close to time for the 7pm shift change.  Getting on an elevator between 6:30-7pm is a lesson in patience.  We are on the top floor and I've had the joy of stopping at every floor to let people get off and on.  No fun!  So we just circled the floor 6 or 7 times so he could get some exercise to assist with preventing blood clots from all the laying around he's been doing.  He had 2 visitors.  He laughed and enjoyed them.  Then the chills.

While down in the cafe earlier I ran into the chaplain and had a nice talk.  I think she said her name was Janine.  We had passed each other a couple of times while Joe and I were walking.  I guess she has a 6th sense and just stopped me and asked how I was while looking for a snack.  I rambled on for a minute or so about not sure what to get for me and Joe to snack on and then she asked how was my loved one.  I think that is when the tears started to trickle a little out of one eye.   I know she had seen us together on the cancer floor.  Was there a look on my face?  Why did she stop me out of the blue to inquire how I was and how he was?  We talked for 10 minutes or so right there in front of the deli sandwiches, she suggested the chocolate chip cookies by the check-out and then I just babbled about Joe, about our anniversary being last weekend, about how much we love PGUMC and on and on and on.  I'm not sure what all I said or why I just opened up to a complete stranger in the Atrium Cafe in the deli section.   But those few minutes were great.  I'm sure I made no sense whatsoever and I'm also sure I went on much longer than she had expected.  But then we parted our ways after I told her Joe's room number, I checked out, came upstairs and ate my danish.  Of course by then, Joe was starting the chills mentioned above so I put those moments I felt downstairs in the back of my mind and I hugged Joe until his shivers stopped.  I had my self-pity time and then it was time to focus on Joe again.

Helplessness.  I watch the nurses draw what seems like an extreme amount of blood from his port.  I wait for the lab person to come and draw an equal amount from his arm.  I wait and I watch.  I laugh when he makes a silly comment to the nurses that they completely don't get.  I scold him for his sarcasm that they don't understand either.  Smart nurses, pleasant nurses, but not fun nurses.  Where is Becke from this afternoon.  She gets Joe.  She talked with him for long periods and made him laugh.  Where's Heather, who has a twin that works on the same floor.  She's quiet but has a wonderful smile and laughs at his jokes.  Where's Donna from last year who came by to see us yesterday when we were re-admitted because she remembered us and says she thinks of both of us very often.  In essence, she waits too.  Waits for us to come back to the 9th floor.  And we don't disappoint.  Here we are folks!  Self Pity.  I wallow in it.  I feel like tonight I'm wearing it as a badge of honor.  Poor Joe, Poor Jeff.

It's dark in here except for the light from the ipad and the 4 lights on the side of Joe's bed.  He's sleeping quietly.  But they will come and wake him up.  Stick needles in his arm and wake him up.  Poor Joe.  I'll watch.  Poor Jeff.  The room is suffocatingly hot.  Joe is cold and under 2 blankets and a sheet.  I sit here with beads of perspiration on the back of my neck.  Self Pity.

My health is good.  Yay me.  Joe's health is bad.  Poor Joe.  Joe sleeps in a bed.  Good for Joe.  I sleep in a chair.  Poor me.

Lay it on thicker Jeff.  Feel sorry for yourself just a little more.  Maybe someone will stop the hurting and stop the pain.  Maybe Joe will feel good tomorrow.  And the day after that and so on.  Wouldn't that be nice.  But then who would feel bad for me.  I guess I still can since it's Self Pity Time.