So Long 2013

Ever since I began the blog in 2010, I've done a New Year's post saying good-bye to the outgoing year.  2010 was a good riddance message, 2011 was a thank you for a pretty good year, 2012 was a mixed bag; some good, some bad.  Had I known that less than two weeks later my world would be irrevocably changed, I might have had a different message.  But maybe I would have just lived the next 13 days better or have let events play out as they did.  I have no regrets about the time I spent with Joe. We were together every possible moment and I loved every second of the time we had.

Many things describe me at this point: older, thinner, wiser?, naive?, lonelier, skeptical, negative, positive, jaded, tired, hesitant, headstrong, opinionated, and on and on.  Full of contradictions.  I've learned a lot over the last 38 months.  A lot about my family, my friends, and myself.  A lot about pancreatic cancer, our healthcare system, and Duke University Hospital.  A lot about society, equal rights, and homophobia.  A lot about faith, generosity, and love.  The last 12 months I've learned a lot about loss, grief, and solitude.  The tears that I have shed since October 2010 could fill a large swimming pool.  However, most of those tears have been shed daily since January 13, 2013.  Although 2013 has been so far the worst year of my life, there have been people who have made a huge difference.  Were it not for them, I don't know if I would have been able to sit here today typing.  The days following Joe's death, my friends and family gathered around me.  My sister and niece stayed with me, Jill & Mark stayed with me, Lara stayed with me.  My PGUMC family circled around filling my home with sounds, food and loving friendship.  My Home Team family clung to me and gave me time to mourn.  Our caring professionals at the Duke Cancer Center and Duke Hospital reached out to me and helped hold me up.  The DCC gave me grief counseling.  I mean they literally gave it to me.   There was never a cost.  I was their patient as much as Joe had been.  When I visited the 9th floor at Duke Hospital the first time following Joe's death, I was greeted with smiles, tears, and words of condolence and care.  For the two+ years that Joe was hospitalized off and on, the nurses, doctors, and staff of the 9300 wing treated me with the utmost respect and warmth.  After his death, they continued to do so. 

During 2013, some people have gone above and beyond what I ever could have expected.  Friends have consistently welcomed me into their homes and treated me like family.  I've been able to spend mealtime and party time with some of the most wonderful children our Lord has ever seen fit to put on this earth.  Meals, along with giggles, smiles, kisses and sugar from Emmie, Asher, Cleona, Jake and Izzie have been wonderful. (A big thank you to the parents of those beautiful kids).  The Minnick family has included me in birthday dinners, family get-togethers and lots and lots of fun.  Jay, Allana, Jonathan, Micah, Harper and Molly are all so very, very special to me.  I've also learned that some people just have more patience and faith in me than I deserve.  Lucinda and Jay have both had to listen to me so many times this past year moan, complain, cry and well, cry some more.  Why either of you have put up with it is a testament to what good people you are.

Unfortunately, along with the support from so many, there have been disappointments from others.  But that is just a part of life.  Some people surprise you with how much they go above and beyond while others let you down.  Were the shoes on the other foot, I don't know which category I would fall into.  During 2013 while I learned about myself, I was pleasantly surprised at times and woefully disappointed at other times.  I started off with constantly second guessing each and every decision I needed to make with the question, "What would Joe want me to do?".  However, all that did was drive me crazy and keep me from making any decisions.  Finally by early summer I had to stop asking "What would Joe want?" and replace it with "What do I want or what do I need".  I still probably made all the wrong decisions, but at least I made them for the right reasons. 

There are still times, many times when I find myself almost coma like pondering how this all happened.  I know the why in my head, but I keep pausing, grasping for some way to make my heart and soul understand the how.  How can such an enormous personality, such a gentle giant, such a good man be here one minute and then not be here?  It's been almost a year and I haven't been able to get my mind around that.  Sometimes the thought just stops me cold.  I look at a photo and I remember the circumstances portrayed in it perfectly.  But how does that memory go from the happy moment captured on film (or digitally) to today's reality instantly?  The problem is that it doesn't.  It's in those moments of time that I can't entirely grasp the idea that Joe is actually gone.  This has been the longest year of my life but at the same time, it literally feels like it was just yesterday that he died and the day before that he was diagnosed.  If it were not for my short-acting anxiolytic benzodiazepine class of psychoactive drugs; my selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor; and my short-acting nonbenzodiazepine hypnotic of the imidazopyridine class that potentiates GABA by binding to GABAA receptors at the same location as benzodiazepines, I don't think I would be here today.  Basically, I'm a mess.

This Thanksgiving through Christmas I have been very sad but tried to put on a brave face when at all possible.  Everyone recognizes that this was my first Christmas without Joe and also know just how special Christmas was to him.  I've had family visits and Skype/FaceTime chats with friends far away.  Sadly, grieving this holiday is not unique to me.  Several close friends have experienced losses other than Joe this year.  Parents, children, relatives and close friends have left many people dear to me missing them.  I'm sure I'm not the only one who didn't quite feel the pull of the usual Christmas spirit.  I did decorate the house, but just a little.  It shouldn’t take me more than an hour to un-decorate it all.  I cried while putting it up and I’ll cry when I take it down.  This years trip to see my family on Christmas Eve didn't end the way I had hoped either.  Although I enjoyed talking and a few laughs, my smile was forced and on a couple of occasions, I could not hold back the tears.  Memories of how much fun Joe had at my family Christmas get-togethers, the silly jokes he tried to tell, and how easy it was for all of us to have such fun together proved a little too much for me and I had a bit of an emotional meltdown.  Sadly I put a damper on things by excusing myself and driving back to Durham at midnight.  The more I thought about Christmas Day, the more I realized I just didn't have the energy to pretend and plaster a fake smile on my face for hours on end.  I know I disappointed my family, but I also know they understand and forgive me.  My sister held me and cried with me.  I held onto Sara tightly and wept.  Aimee hugged me and spoke comforting words of love.  They all miss Joe and each in their own ways have found the holiday season lacking somewhat due to his absence.  On Thursday I traveled to Greenville to exchange gifts with Joe's family. Once again, the absence of Joe was a palatable feeling in the air. Hopefully next year will be just a little bit merrier and I will truthfully smile a bit more. 

2013 is on its way out.  For the first 13 days of this year I had my Joe with me.  He felt really bad each and every one of those 13 days.  It is extremely selfish of me but I would gladly relive each of those days over just to have him here to sit beside me, hold my hand, talk to me, and just tell me he loves me one more time.  I know that wouldn't really be enough for me, wouldn't really be right for me and would not be fair to him.  But rational thoughts and grief rarely go hand in hand.   For now, I'll just look at my assortment of YouTube videos that I loaded of Joe playing music, smiling that infectious smile he had and calling me "Jeffrey!" when I annoyed him.

What does 2014 hold in store for me?  Good question.  I wish I had the answer.  Actually I wish I had AN answer....any answer.  I know that on Fridays I will meet Mike and Jeff for lunch.  On Friday nights I will go to bed early and try to sleep past 7 a.m. on Saturday.  I will record Duke basketball games to avoid being a jinx and causing them to play poorly, only watching the recording if they win.  I will watch my favorite TV shows, talk to Joe during them like an insane person because I know that is one of the few drawbacks to Heaven: no Homeland, no The Good Wife, no Revenge, no Modern Family, and definitely no Teen Wolf, True Blood and Vampire Diaries!  Because of that, I know he is sneaking a peek at what I'm doing on certain TV nights.  I know that I will continue to eat well, continue to exercise (still looking for those elusive endorphins - hopefully I haven't done too much damage with weight gain during the holidays), and wake up tomorrow.  Beyond that, I don't have a real clue.  But I am open to suggestions. 

My New Year’s Wish:

May we break down boundaries, tear down walls, and build on the foundation of goodness inside each of us.  May we look past differences, gain understanding, and embrace acceptance.  May we reach out to each other rather than resist.  May we be better stewards of the earth, protecting, nurturing and replenishing the beauties of nature.  May we practice gratitude for all we have, rather than complain about our needs.  May we seek cures for the sick, help for the hungry, and love for the lonely.  May we share our talents, give our time, and teach our children.  May we hold hope for the future very tenderly in our hearts and do all we can to build for bright tomorrows.  And may we love with our whole hearts, for that’s the only way to love.

Goodbye 2013!  Hello 2014!  

Talk is cheap…

…or so I’ve learned.  My last post on here was obviously one coming from a place of despair.  The despair continues, only now the issues are more clear.  I hinted at people or persons who say one thing to your face and another behind your back.  Sadly, it is sometimes those very people that are closest to you, or you at least thought were close to you.  Last spring, there were many things going on with me and Joe with regards to his family.  Some things were said that were hurtful to everyone involved.  I was no saint in it as I reacted badly to what was said to Joe and being as protective of Joe as I was, I lashed out.  That was wrong of me.  For months there was very little, if any, conversation between Durham and Greenville.  It was very unfortunate, but both me and Joe took some solace in that we did not start or create the issue initially and although neither of us took it well, we clung to each other, our friends and other family members for support.  When Joe died, things were no better between me and his family.  We had not reconciled and that is something that I will have to carry with me forever.  Joe had come to terms with both his mother and sister in that things were what they were.  Apologies were said, but neither of us, and we did discuss this at length, never really felt they were offered to us sincerely.

After Joe died one of the first things I did was to say to both his mother and sister that what happened in the spring of 2012 was behind us and that I wanted us to move past it and move forward.  I thought that we had done just that.  Call me foolish, call me gullible, call me naïve, but though not forgotten, I moved forward feeling regret that we had not done this before his death but that I could do it now, if for no other reason, in an effort to honor his memory and the love I know he had for his family.  Joe’s mother and I since then had developed a new relationship.  A very caring and nurturing one.  Or so I thought.  Apparently I was delusional.

When Joe’s brother visited from Las Vegas at Halloween, we had a very long talk over dinner that evening.  I could tell during dinner that something was bothering Bill.  During the course of dinner, he finally spoke up because he had to know if the information he had was accurate.  Sometime since Joe’s death, he had had a phone conversation where he had asked his mother if she believed Joe was in heaven.  She of course said yes.  He then wanted to know how she believed he was in heaven when she also believed that being gay was such a vile sin that no gay person could be in heaven.  She went on to explain that the relationship between me and Joe was one of deep friendship, but that there was not a physical, sexual relationship between us and therefore, Joe was not gay.  I am paraphrasing as I do not know the exact language used during the conversation.  I am relaying basic context and am not implying or stating what words were used.  Just that she said there our relationship was not a marriage in the way that others are married.   Some might question where she would get this idea.  I did.  She told Bill that I had written as much in a letter to her.  I assure you, I have never written anything even remotely resembling that type of message to her.  In fact, the only letters that I have ever written to her (actual letters, not notes in a card) have been quite the opposite.  Those letters were written in the spring of 2012 and were quite hostile in tone.  She at that time had questioned our faith (mine and Joe’s), and I returned the favor by pointed out very clearly some areas where she was mistaken about scripture, and how she herself was not following scripture.  I have copies of every one of those letters saved on my iPad.

So where does she come up with this stuff?  I have no concrete answer for that except that she has dealt with half-truths, innuendo and hypocrisy for so long that I actually believe that she tells herself stuff and in so doing, convinces herself that the information or thoughts are true.  Also, she only half listens to what others say and continuously will relay a story filled with errors and omissions.  In the conversation I had with her this week, (I only called her because she had the night before called my sister to pump her for information as to why I had not called her or returned her calls for 2 weeks), she started off the call wanting to know if I had gotten my broken down car from the church.  Such is the way she only half listens and doesn’t fully understand what someone says to her.  The fact was that I had dropped the Beetle off at a repair shop for maintenance that is near the church and 2 friends from church had brought me home and then taken me back to pick it up.  No car was broken down, and it was never at the church.  But that is how things told to her get changed and manipulated in her mind to fit her need (she said she thought maybe the reason I hadn’t called was because I was somehow stuck at the church with a broken down car….for 2 weeks???).  She needed to reconcile and justify her belief that Joe is in Heaven with the belief that gay people can’t go to heaven.  Ergo, the only way Joe can be in Heaven is if we were not actually a gay couple, but rather close friends.   However, the fact that I wrote to her in a letter telling her that, is not something she could misinterpret.  It is a blatant lie.  One that I am finding very difficult to overlook.  I am not mad at her, I am hurt and disappointed.  Both in her and in me for allowing myself to actually believe that she had changed from the person of the spring of 2012.  That maybe the loss of her son had somehow magically transformed her into someone who could accept our marriage, our relationship, our love for one another.  It boggles my mind that as a parent, she is so entrenched in her fanatical, bigoted, homophobic beliefs that she would allow months when her son was battling a terminal illness to be lost because she could not accept who he was.  That she would so dishonor his memory as to call into question the relationship we shared, again.  So like I said above, I called her.  I asked her why she had said these things, and she denied ever saying anything.  She said that she did remember the conversation with Bill where he asked her if she thought Joe was in Heaven and that she had said Yes, but that was all she said and that was all they both said on the subject.  I questioned her as to whether she was saying Bill had lied to me, and she of course said she would never say her son had lied, but that she didn’t know why he had told me those things.  I knew she was scrambling for an explanation and she went on to make a couple of ludicrous attempts at reasoning for his telling me something that was not true.  I stopped her as it was an obvious pathetic attempt to cover up.  The conversation was not hostile, no raised voices, no hurtful words on either part.  I left the conversation by telling her that I loved her and that I would talk to Bill to clear up any miscommunication that we may have had.  There isn’t any need to pursue it with her as she will never own up to making up a story.  I’m sure she probably has told herself this enough that she truly believes it to be true.  As my doctor once told me, when discussing the issues with Joe's mother, she is of an age and culture where her narcissistic tendencies control all aspects of how she sees the world.  When Joe was diagnosed with cancer, the issue wasn’t that Joe had cancer, it was that HER son had cancer.  All conversations inevitably come around to how things affect her.  What affect they have on others is always secondary.

I talked to Bill and of course he was not surprised that she denied everything.  He is caught in a terrible place.  He loves his mother but at the same time cannot reconcile how she could say and do the things that she did last year and continues to do now.  He loved his big brother Joe so very much.  It was and still is, very painful to know the things she said and did in the last year of Joe’s life.  How the stress of what was going on affected him both emotionally and physically when he was already dealing with so much.

But here we are today.  One week from Thanksgiving.  Another first in a long line of firsts soon to be followed by yet another first, Christmas without Joe.  I will be going on my Thanksgiving vacation starting on Saturday (sun & surf).  Not much of a change there from our normal Thanksgiving activity except I will be going by myself.  However, this year, Christmas will be completely different.  Instead of waiting until after the 7:00pm service at church is over on Christmas Eve, I will be able to go down to see my family in Hope Mills early in the day, or the day before??, and be able to spend my Christmas there for the first time in a long time.  No splitting of time between Hope Mills and Greenville as we always did.  For that first, I will have my family around me, helping me through what was Joe’s “all-time favorite” time of year.  

Ahhh, the joy of the holidays and the dysfunction of families.  What could be better?