September 2015

The month of September is coming to a close and what a month it turned out to be.  On the positive side, my outlook on life was re-energized due to someone special.  I got a new pair of glasses, look to the left.  <---  Also, all in all I have felt pretty good most of the month.  On the negative side, I've had the MRI that is next week hanging over my head the entire month.  As hard as I have tried, I haven't been able to completely block that from my mind.  The MRI is Tuesday of next week at the Duke Cancer Center and then the follow up appointment with my oncologist is Thursday.  So a week from now I should pretty much know what the whole plan is, or at the very least have all the information to make a final decision.  Nervous, a little.  Anxious, a lot.

September also brought one of the worst colds I've had in a long time.  I was completely without my voice for 2 days and very raspy (as the cold came and went) for another 10 days.  It's only been the last 3 days or so that I've sounded like myself.  I'll let you decide whether sounding like myself is a good thing or a bad thing.  The tinnitus has remained a problem.  Once I have a decision made with regard to the cancer, then I can move my focus to the ringing.  Getting old and being sick sucks!

A positive note on September has also been the fact that I have gotten back to the gym.  I tried my old schedule but it just doesn't seem to fit me as well so I've been "playing" with alternative ones.  The last couple of weeks it has been a combination of lunchtime workouts and evening workouts.  That has worked, but isn't ideal.  Therefore I'm going to try a morning schedule.  If I can get up 15 minutes earlier just 3 days a week, I can get to the Y, have a full hour workout, and still have time to shower, change and be at the office on time.  That way I actually get a lunch AND I can have FREE time of an evening after work.  The only thing I would really be giving up is sitting and watching TV for an hour before work.  I can live with that....or I think I can.  So, tomorrow I will start my "new"est routine and see how it works.  Then next week I should be able to put it into complete practice.  Monday: YMCA  Tuesday: MRI  Wednesday: YMCA  Thursday: Oncologist  Friday: YMCA.  The following week, no doctors and extra sleep!  This is all in an effort to get rid of the poundage I have put on this summer and to get the waistline back to 2014 size!

To all the well wishers, thank you.  I'm in a good place and doing well.

... and then things mellow out,

... a little.  But not enough to say I quit.
Wow.  The last 4 weeks have been ones for the record books.  Between the weather (snow, ice, and general nastiness) and my boss at work being first out of the country for 10 days and then a week later at a conference for 5 days, I'm pooped.  Couple that with an increase in gastrointestinal issues and I've not been in the best place physically and mentally.  But, I am doing one thing right.  I'm back at the Y a minimum of 3 times a week so at least I'm not sitting on my butt (ever widening butt) all the time.  The proximity of the YMCA in Raleigh to my office is just too good to pass up.  I can be there in less than 5 minutes after leaving work, so I couldn't rationalize not going any longer.  But geez, I don't remember it being this difficult the first time.  I'm sure I'll get back to where I was though.  Rome wasn't built in a day and after not doing much of anything for nearly 10 months, I can't expect to be able to do my previous hour of cardio with a snap of a finger.  I am back up to 50 minutes though.  My plan is to hang at that level for a couple of weeks and then shoot for the full hour.  No reason to pass out at the Y.  That would be embarrassing.

Today, Saturday, will be a slow one.  Yesterday I started coming down with a cold again, and this morning I am very congested with a head cold.  So today will be a couch day with some laundry thrown in.   I need to change the bed linens and maybe mop a floor or two...but only maybe.  That seems a little labor intensive.

Need coffee

Lazy Friday Night and I Don't Want to Write

I really should consider the camera angles before I start recording.  Too lazy to write tonight so I do what I do best........talk!

Have a wonderful weekend.  Thank you to Sarah & Jean Marie for meeting me at Cheesecake Factory last weekend.  I had a blast and can't wait to meet up again.

Today is Childhood Cancer Awareness Day...say a prayer for all the little guys & girls dealing with this dreadful disease.  

Anticipation for next weekend

It's been more than a week since my last post.  Main reason, I've just been keeping myself busy.  I returned to work last week after my "vacation" and although I had gone in over the weekend to catch up on quite a bit of the closings, sales and new listings, there was still plenty of work on Monday to make the day go by quickly.  There was even a little left over to fill up a good portion of Tuesday.  However, after that, work slowed down quite a bit and when that happens, the days seem almost endless.  I believe I read every story posted on WRAL.com, Newsobserver.com and various other news sites on Wednesday thru Friday.  I am well caught up on current events.

Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday I went straight to the YMCA after work and so I didn't get home until 7:30-8pm each of those nights.  Saturday morning I mowed the entire lawn, did some much needed trimming of low hanging branches on some tress in the yard and planted flowers in four planters.  All together it was about 3 hours of outdoor work.  After a quick shower I was off to the YMCA for a short workout since I felt I had already sweated off a couple of pounds from the yard work.  Short workout and the sauna later and I was off for a late lunch and then home just in time before the evening showers began.  I'm still nursing an upper groin strain which happened during the Relay for Life event at the end of May so I'm having to take it slow on the treadmill lately.  Only a little bit of running and more moderate paced walk rather than my preferred speed walking.  The calories burn off slower but the pain is less.  Hopefully if I take it easy with that over the next month or so, I can build back up to more running.  As of this morning I have lost 31 pounds since I began going to the YMCA along with my change in eating habits.  I am so looking forward to the day I hit my goal weight.  I will celebrate with a Big Mac and fries!  I know the weight comes off quicker at first so I anticipate it will be at least 2 more months before I am at the point that I'm shooting for.  One I get there, then I will start splitting my workout more evenly between cardio and weights.  If I can just get the waist down 2 more pants sizes (I'm already down 2 sizes since I began).

My home away from home, the YMCA at Lakewood

Today was a good day.  I woke up before the alarm went off so I had extra time to shower, dress and have my morning coffee before church at PGUMC.  Wonderful sermon as always, but the highlight of my day was getting to see Kaitlan and Paxton at church.  I did not see them before the service but once I spotted Paxton up front with Jay during the children's time, I knew I had to find Kaitlan afterward.  Not sure what it is, but I just feel such a connection.  Maybe it's because even though circumstances are extremely different, I relate to some of her emotions right now.  It's also that I know from things that Joe said to me that I know she was someone very dear to him.  We would always pass by their house when we were returning to church after breakfast at McDonald's in between the 8:30 and 11:00am services.  Occasionally we would see Brian outside in the yard and Joe would enevitably say something to the effect, "I wish Kaitlan was still singing in the choir.  I always enjoyed being around her".  Now Joe never had anything bad to say about any choir member and was always positive about them all. (Unless it was I wish I had stronger sopranos, altos, tenors, basses....whatever he was in short supply of at any particular time).  But I didn't hear him say he missed someone or enjoyed a past choir member very often.  That alone let me know that she had a little something extra built in to her personality and attitude.  Had Joe still been alive when Paxton was diagnosed I know that he would have been so profoundly affected.  One because everyone reacts strongly to a ill child, but even more so because i know how much he thought of Kaitlan and of Brian too for all the help he offered with sound during special performances.  It's only since Joe's death and Paxton's illness that I've had the opportunity to get to know her better and it's been very easy.  For me there is a connection.  Not one that I can adequately find words for.  My heart aches for their family and when I see her smile, I imagine choir rehearsals and Joe looking at that same smile.  It seems like each time we see each other there are tears.  However, I have learned that tears are never a bad thing.  If you feel them rising up, let them surface, give in.   You will feel better, if only for a little while.

This coming weekend is going to be a very special one for me.  First, I will get to see Joe's sister Bettie and my niece and nephew, Brittany & Joshua during the day on Saturday.  Also on Saturday, Rob & Lola will be coming into town to stay with me for a couple of days.  That visit is sure to illicit some tears on my part, but I am also so incredibly sure that there will be smiles, laughter and plenty of Joe stories, including our wedding.  There are not two more special people in the world to me and I am so happy that they are visiting.  I'm sure with so much to look forward to next weekend, the week will drag by.  But I will do my best to fill each day (have to do some house cleaning) with work, workouts and anticipation.

I am blessed with so many people that continue to inquire about me and I am so grateful.  I'm also getting a lot of "skinny" comments, which I REALLY enjoy, but I'm not there yet, but I'm trying very hard.  Thank you for the kindness, prayers and good wishes.

Vacation time comes to an end.......

Well vacation is over.  Actually I still have the weekend, but technically, since today was a workday, as of 5pm my vacation was over.  I can honestly say I'm glad.  Sleeping late is nice, but that is about the only good part.  Otherwise the days have been extremely uneventful.  I did come home early, getting in just before rush hour yesterday.  It was so nice to sleep in my own bed last night.  Today was a day of chores and a terrible movie followed by going by my office tonight to see how much work I would be looking at on Monday morning.  My reaction was something akin to PANIC!  Each of my 4 in-boxes were filled.  Instead of just looking, I sat down and worked for 3 hours.  Now Monday was be just another day.  I still should have enough work to make the day go by pretty quickly but I shouldn't be in full-on stress mode.

So a report on this past week.  What can I say other than it was a bit of a bore...a sad bore.  I'm still of the belief that going by myself was the best thing, but I really should have made some specific plans to do something, or gone somewhere that there was something to do.  But even though there wasn't a thrill a minute or a daily schedule of activities, I'm glad I went.  There had to be a first time, so at least I have that behind me.  I shed tears each day and even today when I was home.  I shed tears tonight while at the office by myself and I expect that I will shed some tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that.  I don't intend to sound pessimistic, just a realist.  I even had the loan officer at the bank in tears today.  Everywhere I go I guess I just spread sunshine!!!!!!1

On the positive side, I didn't gain any weight on vacation.  I actually lost 2 pounds.  However, I did eat a 12" sub from Subway tonight so my belly is sticking out much too much right now.  I assume however it will be back to a more normal state tomorrow as I start my return to a YMCA schedule. My plan is for 1 1/2 hours of cardio tomorrow.  30/30/30 - bike, treadmill, elliptical.  Maybe that will help me get back into the swing of things.

Thank you to all my friends and family who checked in on me while I was away.  I appreciate all the support that each and every one of you gives me.

1st Vacation; 1st Day

It has been a very bittersweet day. The first day of my vacation, but also 6 months since Joe's death. On January 13th when I went upstairs to our room and found that Joe had died while I was downstairs, I wasn't sure that I would even be able to make it 6 months. However, I have. Although it has been anything and everything but easy, I have physically survived. Emotionally might be a different matter.  Every day for the last six months I have cried. Some days have been nothing but tears, some days have been filled enough that only a few tears trickled down my cheeks. Some days I have been unable to smile and some days I've even managed a few laughs. Some days I have sensed a glimmer of light in my future and some days I can't even grasp the concept of getting out of bed the next morning. Two things happened at 7:05pm on January 13, 2013: Joe's life ended and my life stopped. I fully realize that 6 months is not much time in the grieving process when you lose your spouse, your soulmate, a large part of what defines you or how you define yourself. I never expected it to be easy to go throughout the day after such a short time and I was correct. It is as hard to go to sleep without Joe beside me today as it was the night he died. I still wake up on a regular basis and reach out my hand to touch him before reality sneaks into my drowsy haze to remind me he is gone. I don't say that for pity or sympathy, it's merely my reality. I have however made strides in moving forward. Joining the YMCA in an effort to be in better shape physically has resulted in weight loss which is great. Hopefully I won't go overboard with the calories during vacation. It wasn't easy decreasing the waistline and I don't want to have to start over. I can handle anything under a 5 pound gain without freaking out this week.

I have spent the better part of the day driving, much of it in pouring rain, going on my first vacation without Joe. Packing for it was terrible. I actually missed the inevitable fight that would occur between me and Joe when packing for a trip. I can't remember a trip where we did not argue during the packing process. Joe took forever to pack. He would pack clothes, take a few things out of the suitcase, put more in, take more out, over and over. It was torture. He was so incredibly concerned that he would forget something that he always overpacked. Mind you, I always overpack too, but I just grab bunches of stuff and pack it and zip the suitcase shut. I always figured that if I forgot something I could either do without, or just buy another. Maybe not the most practical, but much quicker. But this trip there was no one to argue with, no one to get exasperated with. Just me, packed and standing in the kitchen alone.

This self pity party is going on and on isn't it? Oh well. I'm sitting in a hotel with a mindless TV show on waiting for morning so I can finish my journey. For the next week, I can sleep late and do what I want. If I'm not enjoying this place, I can put my bag back in the car and journey back home. No one to argue with about that either! I can't begin to count the number of times Joe and I went to various timeshare resorts where all I really wanted to do was just leave and go back home to my own bed. This time if that happens, I can have my little Holland fit and be on my way. Should that happen, at least I could get back to my workout routine. Maybe even get in a little extra. But I've driven all this way and I'll give it the old college try!

I have been blessed to have so many people who care about me and how I am doing both emotionally and physically. I appreciate all that you have done for me and continue to do for me. Your prayers, your caring, and your love is what gets me through each day. Thank you. 

It's My Vacation and I'll Go Where I Want To...

A little lazy tonight after my visit to the Y, so I opted for video rather than typing.


Have a great week and weekend folks! Thanks for the love, prayers and support.

So what's up now that it's July?

That is the question.  What's up?  Well, what's up with me is quite varied.  First, last week, after working out at the YMCA for 4 days, I was very torn as to whether to stay home and just veg on the couch on Saturday or go in for a workout.  I turned to my Facebook friends to inquire what I should do...stay home or go workout?  So after listening to a variety of opinions, I decided to take the advice of the majority and go to the Y.  At first all was just fine.  Did my time on the bike and then moved to the treadmill.  By that point I was sweating really good, heart rate was at the desired level and I was jamming.....so while on the treadmill I need to wipe my face with the towel.  So I do what I always do, put my glasses up on my head, wipe the face and keep going.  However this time, after wiping the face, I made a quick swipe of the top of my head to get the sweat off of it.  But oops, my glasses are there and I knock them right off my head and onto the back of the treadmill and the floor...where they shattered.  Now mind you, most people have a spare pair of glasses, but I did not.  So there I am, at the YMCA, sweating and blind as a bat.  So what are my options????  Very few at this point.  I take a shower, look at the clock and it's 4pm.  Where do I get an eye doctor and optician at this hour on a Saturday??  Of course, the answer is obvious...COSTCO!!!!  So I slowly, blindly drive to Costco to see if the eye doctor outside the store is even open on the weekends...lo' and behold, she is and agrees to see me even though she closes at 5pm, it's now 4:30 and she has 2 appointments to finish up first.  At 4:59, I'm in the chair, getting the eye exam and trying to figure out what do I do without glasses in the meantime???? Of course she had the answer...temporary contacts.  I wore contacts years and years ago and after 5 or 6 years, got tired of the hassle and went back to my glasses.  But what else was there for me to do?  Nada...that's what!  So the doctor gave me 2 pair of temp contacts and told me to go get a pair of 125 drug store reading glasses.  The contacts serve great for far vision, but up close leave me still blind as a bat.  Hence the reading glasses.  So at this point I've had the contacts for 3 days, still don't like them any better than day one and can't wait until I get my glasses back sometime next week.  What was supposed to be a short trip to the Y turned into an all day affair.  I had plans...well not really plans, but I had thought the day through.  After I was convinced to go to the YMCA by my "friends", I decided I'd first go to Bandido's and get some salsa to take over to the Minnick's for Jay's birthday and their upcoming trip to Lake Junaluska.  So I went and got the salsa, went to the Y and then instead of making the trip to Raleigh in the mid afternoon, it was more like 7:30pm when I got there.  Nothing like busting in on friends trying to have a peaceful dinner.  But ever the gracious family, they invited me in and by the time I left, I had enough food for a week!  I love me some Minnicks!!!!!

Sunday was just the norm, church and then home with a nap on the couch while the torrents of rain fell around me.  Lake Holland-Lupton was in full force in the backyard up until bed last night.  Today it's more like Swamp Holland-Lupton.  With an 80% chance of more rain tomorrow, the lake might return.  At least it's only in the 80's this week, but let's face it folks...this humidity is brutal.  I took tonight off from the Y but will be back in my routine tomorrow evening after work.  With the holiday thrown in here this week, my schedule will be way off.  But I figure I can get Tuesday, Wednesday, Saturday and possibly Sunday if no more tragedy befalls me on Saturday.

Emotionally, it's been better.  Mark Boliek went with me to the Y last Friday evening and it was nice to get to spend some time with him and to have someone to talk with while there.  I got the information for the 2013-14 Communications committee at PGUMC that I am chairing so I'm trying to get in touch with all the members so hopefully before summer's end we can at least have one meeting where if nothing else we can get to know each other and set up a schedule for future meetings.  Also last week, there was the SCOTUS ruling on DOMA and Prop 8 in California.  I so wish Joe had lived to see this.  He was so looking forward to seeing DOMA dismantled.  I know he's watching, but it would have been so nice to have been able to come home from work, give him a hug and kiss and watch the evening news with all the celebrations.  But that didn't happen.  But I will be inquiring about the necessary paperwork to apply for his SSN benefits.  Hopefully, since we were legally married at the time of his death, the powers that be won't come up with some rule that it's not applicable for those recently deceased.  I don't really have my hopes up, but I'm going to give it a try.  Seems logical to me, but then I'm not the most logical person anyway.  We'll see what happens.

Vacation is now officially less than 2 weeks away (July 13th....YAY!!!!!).  As long as I have glasses, I will be ready for driving, rest and relaxation.

Thank you for all the well wishes and good thoughts.  I am still extremely appreciative for all the support I continue to receive from my friends and family.  Speaking of family, please say a prayer for my sister-in-law Bettie as she goes through some medical issues this week.  Thank you and I hope everyone has a wonderful Fourth of July celebration!

Another Friday Night and a Busy Weekend Ahead

It's been a good week with three trips to the YMCA, a therapy session and work hasn't been a pain.   But I'm really not much in the mood to type so I decided on a video instead.  Short and sweet!


Thank you to everyone who continues to reach out to me.  Love and appreciation to all of you.

SLOW

Slow is the word of the week.  More precisely, slow motion.  That's what the last week has been like.  Everything is moving much slower than it should.  The work day seems longer, the evenings at home seem longer and time moves slower.  The only time that moves quickly is when I'm asleep.  Can't get enough of that.  It's 8:00 pm now and I'm fighting to not go on to bed.  Last night it was 7:00 pm when I went up to bed.  Saving grace, I found a new TV series to watch on Netflix.   I know that is just sad that a streaming TV series is a "saving grace", but it fills some time.

Last week I was still on a high from Relay but after more than a week that has worn off.  Even my therapist said I just looked different last week.  Wonder what she would say if she saw me this week?  And then there was my PGUMC surprise this week.  Thanks Lucinda.  

Went to the movies last weekend and hope to catch one (at least) this weekend. Plus joining the Y, so hopefully a few rounds on the treadmill, recumbent bike and a lot of sweat in the steam room.  Detox the body and maybe free the mind up for better thoughts.  The Lakewood Y is a great facility and it will help fill some time as well.  Maybe the slow pace will pick up some.