Thursday, April 25, 2013

Some Days I Want to Bury My Head in the Sand

No begging, no pleading but there will be a note and link at the bottom if you would like to make a donation to help support me in the May 31st Relay for Life event at Leesville Road High school.

Some days just suck!  It's just that simple.  Some days I just want to bury my head in the sand and pretend that my life isn't what it is.  Actually that should read some weeks I just want to bury my head.  But life has a funny way of keeping you from doing that.  Life, or should I say reality, has a way of rearing it's ugly, and I do mean UGLY, head and slapping you in the face.  Since Joe's death I have tried very hard to keep focused on dealing with the grief by attending regular counseling, talking to family and friends when needed, getting out and not staying in seclusion.  Trying very hard to go on with as much of a normal schedule while at the same time working to create a "new normal" for myself.   However, the last couple of weeks circumstances have made me realize that I have probably just been going through the motions and not really accepting some things that have obviously been inevitable.  I wish I could be specific, but it would probably only make some people uncomfortable and ultimately hurt some feelings.  I don't need to carry that burden too.   However, accepting reality is never a bad thing even if it means making big changes.  Changes that might not be popular but might be necessary for me and my mental health.  I have had an incredible amount of support from family and friends and I will never be able to adequately thank them or show my appreciation.  I owe a large debt of gratitude to so many people.  That is what has made the last couple of weeks so hard.  In order for me to heal more completely, I may have to alter some relationships.  That thought is as painful as continuing on the same course I've been on.  I know this isn't making any sense.  I've re-read it three times and even I know it's rambling.  But when I ramble, even if it makes no sense, I feel better.  So a rambling I will go!

So what do you do when you know what ultimately would be best for you but at the same time you know that that decision would be the least popular with others and most likely would cause hurt feelings?  Really what do you do?  I have always been a very selfish person.  I was constantly reminding Joe of that but he would always disagree.  Love can be so blind.  It was only after his diagnosis that I truly learned what it was like to think of someone else before yourself.  Even though the circumstances were awful, it actually felt good to think of someone else first.  Not be so self centered.  Since his death, I have of course thought about myself, but only with regard to grief.  Not really what is best for me.  Just getting through each day.  One step at a time.  I've made so many bad decisions in my life that I always question myself.  Since Joe's death, I have second guessed every decision I have made.  Life with Joe made it so easy.  He always knew the right decision.  He always knew when to reign me in.  When to say "Now Jeff....".  Back on my own I am so afraid of making a bad decision that I haven't made any decisions.  I've just gone on like nothing has changed except Joe isn't by my side.  Doing the same things, going to the same places.  Assuming that doing what Joe and I always did would be the best thing for me.  But I think now it was just another form of denial.  The last couple of weeks, that veil of denial has been slipping from in front of my eyes.  But the veil may still be wrapped around my heart.  I keep thinking "what would Joe want me to do?".  But I need to start thinking "what does Jeff need to do?".   Heck, I can't even commit to where to go for a week's vacation this summer.  How's that for non-committal?  Aarrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhh!   Maybe a white jacket with really long sleeves in a nice padded wall room is in order.

I've rambled enough.  If I can just make it through to May 31st and the Relay for Life event.  That is still the most important thing for me right now.  It's sort of a finish line to reach.  I hope to raise a lot more money although I have done very well and as of today have moved into the #3 slot for individual fund raisers out of the 240+ participants.  Now I have to focus on the #2 slot.  Although I need to focus on what is best and right for me, I also can't go more than a minute without remembering why I have these feelings.  Joe died of pancreatic cancer.  All around the world, every day people are faced with the same circumstances that Joe and I faced in November of 2010.  Every day untold numbers of people have their lives turned upside down just like we did.  Every day, people die from a form of cancer.  Every day, their families grieve.  Every day.


Thank you to everyone who continues to remember Joe and to everyone who continues to remember me in their prayers.  Your support is invaluable to me.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Why I Participate in a Relay for Life Event


Why I Participate in a Relay for Life Event
Because on January 13, 2013, the most wonderful man I have ever known, died from pancreatic cancer.  My partner in life and love fought that dreaded disease for more than 2 years.  For more than two years he endured surgery and radiation and constant chemotherapy treatments.  For more than two years he never complained but held his head high and lived a dignified life filled with love and grace.  If that man, my husband Joe Lupton , could fight that hard for that long, then I owe it to him to do whatever I can to help others not have to feel that pain.  I know I will make a difference in the fight to end cancer.  I know that by raising funds and walking in the American Cancer Society Relay For Life at the Leesville High School event, I will help save lives from cancer.  I do it to honor Joe Lupton and the strength and dignity that he exemplified in life.

It's amazing and agonizing to think that millions of people will be diagnosed with cancer this year.  I know from personal experience that when that happens, life as you know it is changed forever.  A Relay For Life event is not only a way to join my community to fight back against cancer, but it is also a way to inspire hope by raising funds and awareness to help those facing the disease.



Who I’m Participating For

My reason for participating in my Relay For Life event is very personal.  It is for the most important person that ever was a part of my life. It is for my partner and husband.  We all participate in Relay events because we’ve been affected by cancer in some way and because a Relay For Life event gives us the power to make a difference and fight back.  For someone like me whose loved one lost the battle with cancer, this is even more important.  This is my opportunity to honor cancer survivors, remember people we have lost, and help raise funds for groundbreaking research, information and services for people fighting cancer.

Why I Support the American Cancer Society

Every day, the American Cancer Society helps people take steps to reduce their risk of cancer or find it early when it is easiest to treat.  They provide free information and services when and where people need it throughout their journey to get well.  They are investing in groundbreaking research to find, prevent, treat, and cure cancer, and are working with lawmakers to pass laws to defeat cancer and rally communities worldwide to join the fight.

I hope you will consider making a donation in support of my efforts.   Together, we have the power to help create a world where cancer can no longer claim another life.

Click here to donate now:  RELAYFOR LIFE DONATION

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

A Disconcerting Week

This week I learned something that I had not known.  I wasn't being nosey, but I came across an email that Joe had sent back in February of 2012 that contained some information of which I was unaware.   I still check Joe's email and Facebook on a regular basis.  I haven't quite been able to bring myself to delete either.  Since it isn't costing anything, why do it, right?  Exactly!   Anyway, last week there was an email on Joe's account from a college friend of his who was trying to contact me.  She didn't have my email and took a chance that I might be still checking his.   Of course, she was right.  She just wanted to touch base with me and see how I was doing.   It was a very sweet and caring gesture.   The email she sent was in response to a string of correspondence between her and Joe going back to 2010.   Therefore, all the previous emails were there.   Not in an effort to be nosey, but just because they were Joe's words, I started reading the correspondence back and forth.  They only corresponded sporadically so there would be a month of two in between emails.   That was when I saw the one from February of 2012.  The friend from UNC-G, who is a cancer survivor, had commented on making it to a landmark of time without a recurrence of her cancer and Joe responded with "after my surgery when they couldn't remove the tumor, the doctor told me I would have only about four months to live.   It's been 12 months and I'm still here."

I was never aware of any doctor giving Joe a time period of life expectancy.   What must he have been feeling with that knowledge?  I'm sure that when he responded so well to his chemo treatments for over a year, it must have been a big relief.   We were both so thrilled that he responded so well for so long.   But I didn't know he was ever told that.  I don't even know which doctor said it.  Was it the surgeon while he was still in the hospital?  Was it Dr. Zafar?   If so, did Joe ask him not to mention anything to me?  I know why he would not have wanted me to know.  He loved me.  It would have caused me even more worry....if that is humanly possible.  I'm not mad at him for not telling me, but I wish I had known.   It has just made me so sad this week.  We shared the whole journey, but he carried this burden alone.   I don't know exactly how I am feeling.  Maybe I feel hurt that he didn't share.   But I know why he didn't.   He did it to protect me.  He didn't say anything in an effort to save me more anxiety.  He did it out of love.  Only now he is gone and I can't comfort him.   I can't help him.  I can't do what I was supposed to do.  All I can do is miss him and cry.

But I can do something for others.   For people dealing with cancer.  Be they patients, caregivers, family or friends.  That is why the Relay For Life is so important.  Only through fundraising for research can we one day hope to eradicate this disease in all it's many forms.  No one should have to deal with this.   Children like Paxton should not have to go through chemotherapy.  Young families like Kaitlan & Brian should be enjoying their children rather than watching one of them suffer.   Caroline and so many others, including me, should not still grieve for the loss of a parent.  I shouldn't have sleepless nights thinking about what could have been.  But this is all of our realities.  This is where we are.  To move forward and help others, we need as many people as possible to join our Relay for Life team, or make a donation if possible.  If you can, click the link below to donate now.  I know this sounds like a broken record, but it is that important to me so I will keep asking......and asking.  I will think of my Joe and ask again.

Friday, April 12, 2013

Birthday Week Comes to a Close

Although I had not dreaded my birthday week as much as I did Joe's, I still had my reservations as it was just another first.  Also, Joe always made such a fuss over my birthday.  Much more than I made over his.  I always got gifts and presents from him as well as gifts and cards from our pets.  It was always amusing how he would try to disguise his handwriting when he signed cards from Dolly or our little boy kitties when they were alive.  I would always just roll my eyes and Joe would grin so big. Although so silly, he got such a kick out of it.   But then he was nothing if not silly at times.  But that was just another way he expressed his love and I had to love him for it!

However, the week turned into a good one.  Monday was just another day so nothing to write about there.   On Tuesday I had my scheduled counseling session at the Duke Cancer Center (I'm now on the every other week plan) and then after that I went over to PGUMC to meet Caroline and Kevin to do my part for the Relay for Life video that we are doing for the PGUMC Relay team.  Although emotional, it was something I very much wanted to do and a cause I very much wanted to participate in.  I had not signed up yet for the Relay for Life team so when I got home, I did just that, made my donation and got to work setting myself a goal and then started my campaign to get people to donate in support of the cause.  Yes, you are right..you know where I'm headed.  Another plea for a donation in support of my Relay for Life.  When it comes to cancer, I have no pride and will beg.   When it comes to my Joe and what he went through, what I have gone through and the grief of losing him, I will beg again.   I know these are uncertain times for many people financially.  I know that everyone can not donate.   If you can't, I completely understand but for those that can spare a few dollars, please give.  It is an incredibly worthwhile cause.   It's not for me, it's not for PGUMC, it is for cancer research, for cancer patients, for cancer survivors and those that did not survive this incredibly horrible disease.  Click below to donate.


That brought me to Wednesday and my birthday.  I went to work as usual but had my elective CE class in the afternoon from 1:30-5:30 pm.   Any local REALTORs out there that have ever had a CE class with Bill Gallagher know that it is quite amusing and by and large preferable to an afternoon of work. At 7:30 I met a group of friends for dinner at Angus Barn.   My very good friend Mike Heath had coordinated and planned everything.  Along with Johnny Hall who works at Angus Barn, my friends made this a wonderful evening.  Of course the food was excellent as always, but the best part was just being with a wonderful group of friends.  We talked and laughed and had a good time.   I can't thank them enough for coming out to celebrate my birthday and at the same time, remember Joe and how important he was to all of us.  It really was a special evening.   Thank you Mike, Johnny, Jeff, Jill, Mark, Artie, Lara and Joe.  You have no idea how much that evening meant to me.  Also, thank you for the gifts!
Johnny lights the candles as the fireworks are ablaze
Left to right: Joe Wood, Lara Hamblen Wood, Mike Heath, me, Artie Cline, Jill Boliek, Mark Boliek, Johnny Hall, Jeff Whicker
A better group of friends would be impossible to have!

Thursday I was still stuffed and I just barely made it through the day.  I have become an early to bed kinda guy and we didn't leave the Angus Barn until 10:00pm so after winding down Wednesday night, I didn't get my required amount of sleep.  Thus, my dragging around on Thursday.  However I went to bed early Thursday night so today was much better.  That along with the rain made for a very nice day.  This weekend will be more yard work, UGH!!, and reading the book that our book club is reading.  I didn't get the last one finished so I am determined to finish this one.

Thank you to everyone who sent Happy Birthday wishes both on Facebook and cards by mail.  Each one put a smile on my face and warmed my heart.  Thank you to everyone who has already donated to Relay for Life.  I so very much appreciate it.  Many thanks and lots of love to all of you.

Monday, April 8, 2013

A Chance to Better Myself

I've mentioned this to several people over the years that I had a desire to one day if at all possible take some college courses just for the sake of learning. You know, learn stuff just for heck of it. Not worry about grades or tests but just take or audit some university level courses on topics that I found of interest. Joe and I had several conversations on the subject over the years and we planned that at some point when I was able to retire, I would do just that. If Joe was also interested, he would do it with me. He liked the idea but having been in the classroom setting as a teacher for so many years, didn't completely share my enthusiasm. Can't imagine why. 😊

Anyway, now I have an opportunity to try it out, thanks to Duke. I may not be retired, but I do have lots of "extra" time on my hands. So with that in mind and with the opportunities that Duke has for alternative learning, I am officially enrolled in my first course. "HEALTHCARE INNOVATIONS" No auditing, actual learning. Course syllabus and all. I even get a certificate upon completion. Yeah, not what I imagined in my discussions with Joe, but I'm excited about the opportunity. Of course, my choice of courses was "Joe based". Hopefully I will find it interesting and stick with it. Who knows, maybe I'll end up a scholar! Haha!! But it is a chance to gain knowledge and better myself. A little education never hurt anyone.
Only time will tell what I'm getting myself into.   Tomorrow however, I have a counseling session at the Duke Cancer Center during my lunch time and then after work a quick trip over to the church for a little project.  I'm thinking Lynwood Grill might be in my dinner plans.  This Wednesday is the big day.....yeppers, My Birthday!  I'm going to do my best to keep my wits about me and not think too much about what my birthdays have been like in the past.  This will be another first but I'm going to try really hard to keep smiling.  My dinner will be at Angus Barn that night so that is most definitely something to look forward to!!

And this evening, Kaitlan posted on Facebook that the doctors are letting Paxton go home tomorrow. Another reason to smile.

I am so grateful for the many birthday wishes I have already received.  I have wonderful friends and family and I am so thankful for all of you.

Saturday, April 6, 2013

First Duke Hospital Visit

I made my first trip to Duke Hospital since Joe's death today. First let me just report that I did go by and see Brian, Kaitlin, and Paxton Phelps. Paxton is doing well although having a little pain from the procedures from yesterday. He seems to have tolerated his first chemo treatment quite well. He was active playing the Wii and having a reasonably good day. The pain was stemming from his hip where they had done the procedure on Friday. They have given him Zofran to combat the nausea before and after his treatment. He will be at Duke at least until Friday and then after coming home will continue his treatments on a weekly basis. Kids are so resilient that if it wasn't for the fact that he was in a hospital bed you wouldn't know that he was sick. Kaitlin and Brian are handling it as well as can be expected. Of course it is difficult on them. They seem very happy with their oncology team and the care that Paxton is getting at Duke. I even got to visit with my good friend Courtney (Their sister in law and Paxton's aunt) who was also up there with him. Everyone is extremely optimistic but they still need your prayers and support.

Before I visited Paxton on the fifth floor I made my first visit since Joe's death up to the 9300 unit. As I walked down the hall I wasn't sure whether I wanted there to be any nurses there that I knew or whether I wanted there to be no one that i knew. The first person that I saw as I rounded the corner was Kim the dietitian who had taken such good care of Joe and always make sure he had tea for breakfast since he doesn't drink coffee. She gave me a big hug, expressed her sympathy and I cried. Next up was Grace, one of the nurses that had taken such good care of Joe.  She is also the nurse that always gave us extra blue socks. The first words out of her mouth were "are you up here for socks?" She had a big smile on her face and it made me smile. We talked for a while, I cried, she expressed her sympathy and inquired as to what my support system was. I then moved on down the hall and saw yet another nurse that had taken such good care of Joe and we talked for a while too. She told me that they had the picture of Joe from the card I had sent to the floor posted on the wall around the corner. As I left from her I went down that hall and sure enough there was the card with Joe smiling that wonderful smile of his. I had a really good cry then and then left the floor. However before getting on the elevators I took a moment to get a purple pancreatic Cancer ribbon, write " rest in peace my love, Joe Lupton" and tied it on the frame that they have outside the elevators of the multicolored ribbons for different cancers. I then got one of the orange ones for leukemia and wrote Paxton's name on it too. If anyone is ever up at Duke, please go up to the ninth floor just outside the elevator and see the ribbons where you can write names of your loved ones who are dealing with or have dealt with cancer. After you write their name, tie it to the frame. Over time the ribbons cascade to the floor. In January the length of the ribbons was about 12 feet. They must have recently removed those and started anew as the frame is just starting to be covered. All of the colors are quite beautiful and quite sad at the same time as it represents so many people who have dealt with or are dealing with this dreaded disease. Joe, your name is there again as I lift prayers for you and for me. Paxton your name is there now as I lift a prayer for you.

Going to the 9300 unit was a big step for me and the last hurdle of going back to Duke and the place where I have so many memories.

Thank you to everyone for your continued prayers and support and thank you for remembering Paxton. God bless you all.

A Special Prayer Request

Tonight I would like to ask for a special prayer request for friends of mine. A family who attend Pleasant Grove United Methodist Church just found out this week that one of their young children, Paxton, has Type B ALL (Leukemia). Brian and Kaitlin Phelps noticed a change in Paxton this past weekend and acted very quickly by getting him to a doctor. He is currently at Duke Hospital where he will be for the next couple of weeks. Besides a myriad of tests, he has had a port put in for the chemotherapy and had his first treatment tonight. He will have another on Monday. I hope to have more information on what treatments he will be getting later this weekend. This young family is facing a fight but have faced it head on with strength, spirit and grace. Please say a prayer for Paxton and the entire Phelps family. Kaitlin was a former choir member of Joe's and a big cheerleader of his during his battle with pancreatic cancer. Brian, our "go to tech guy" at church was always there to make sure the sound for every special music occasion that Joe had went off without a hitch. If Joe were here, he would be the first person in line to stand beside them and support them in this time of need.

Please remember them tonight and in the days and weeks ahead. Support, prayers and God's grace will be needed. Paxton is a fighter and I'm sure with the medical care he will be receiving at Duke, will come through this with a smile and many years from now, look back and wonder what all the fuss was about.

God bless and keep you Paxton. There are hundreds upon hundreds of people in your corner and praying for healing.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Beware of Stomach Viruses

What more is there to say on the subject?  Beware.  Wash your hands constantly.  Be ever vigilant or you will end up like me the last few days.  However, believe me I am a hand washer and I use hand sanitizer all day long at work but after this bout of stomach issues I think I will have to cross over to the land of the germaphobes.  Think back to the worst hangover you have ever had.  Add to that flu symptoms and diarrhea.  Then my friends you will know what I have felt like since Monday.  It began as just a "not quite normal" feeling and then progressed to what I thought was indigestion or heart burn.  However, the Tums didn't help and about 45 minutes later the first of what would be an unimaginable number of frequent (i.e. about every 5-10 minutes) trips to the bathroom to throw up.  Other things occurred but let's just say in order for there not to have been any clean up issues, I would have had to have two toilets right next to each other.  I hope you have the picture and I won't elaborate any further.  Of course after a while there just isn't anything to come up but yet the body still makes you want to.  I now know I have abdominal muscles underneath my flabby belly as it hurts to cough or sneeze at this point from the cramping and spasms of Monday and Tuesday.  I also had fever and chills.  My feet have never felt so cold even though I had on two pair of socks, was under a flannel sheet, thick comforter and a quilt folded over twice over the lower half of my body.  This also meant I couldn't sleep.  After 8 hours of tossing around in the bed on Monday evening and night (when I wasn't in the bathroom) I came downstairs to the family room and layed on the couch (when I wasn't in the bathroom).  The couch was home from 2am until 7:30pm on Tuesday.  First on one end and then the other.  Laying down, sitting up, half sitting up.  Any and all positions.  Jill came over in the afternoon and brought me some fruit punch Gatorade and some mini saltine crackers.  That was my in-take for Tuesday.  One 12 oz bottle of Gatorade and 7 mini saltines.  But at least it stayed down last night.  By 8 pm I was back up in bed after taking two sleeping pills and my sinus medication.  But I slept.  I didn't regain consciousness until just before 6am this morning.  When I woke up, I felt good.  As the day wore on I slowly began to wear down but I did drink two more 12 oz bottles of Gatorade,  ate at least 20 mini saltines and had chicken soup for lunch.  Dinner was soup again, more saltines but this time with a little peanut butter on them.  The best part, it has all stayed with me and tonight, although tired, I feel almost, well maybe that's pushing it, maybe partly semi normal.  I think sleep tonight and then REAL FOOD tomorrow will put me fully in recovered mode.

I had a wonderful Easter weekend though.  After the services on Sunday (which by the way I'm convinced is where I got the bug via the offering plate since I was ushering) I went over to the Sullivan's for lunch and then to the Minnick's for dinner.  I had a great time with both families and am most grateful to them for including me in their Easter festivities.

Thank you to every one who continues to remember me in their thoughts and prayers.  I am a very blessed person to have so many people who care about me.

Vaccination date set

 This morning at 8 a.m. we began the process of trying to get an appointment date.  I had 3 appointments at the Duke Cancer Center so I was ...