New Rule

New Rule:

If you're voting for Trump (or a third-party candidate to "punish" the DNC) you have to meet with your Gay, Lesbian, Transgender, Black, Muslim and Hispanic friends and explain why your need for spite is more important than their right to live free and happy lives.
You have to look them in the eyes and tell them why your anger at a 238 year old system, that didn't dramatically change in a few months, is worth more than their safety or security.

You need to meet with every mother, father, sister, brother and parent who has lost a loved one to gun violence and tell them why a lack of Bernie supporters at the polls is enough reason to support the RNC's love affair with guns and their hatred of common sense gun reform.

You have to tell your female friends that you're furious about Benghazi and other vague incidents that are somehow Hillary's fault and that the de-funding of Planned Parenthood is worth enduring as long as she isn't in the White House.

You'll need to take time away from PokemonGo and Netflix to talk with the youngest generation of Americans who will live with the legacy of non-existent environmental protection that your vote promised them. An environment we tossed away, because Hillary is pro fracking. A position far worse than Trump's pro fracking policy and one she assuredly can't be persuaded to change.

You'll be expected to go door to door and apologize to all the people who will lose their health insurance when President Trump dismantles Obamacare. Access to medical services may be important, but they'll need to understand you were expecting free college.

You'll be requested at several LGBTQ events, where we'll patiently listen to your reasons why you voted for a President whose party just stated they'd work to reverse marriage equality. I would do this one quickly however, before we get too comfortable being treated as human beings, worthy of equality.

Of course, you'll also need to offer your time checking genitals at bathrooms around the country, as your vote ensures the Right has the political power to continue punishing and demonizing transgender people who simply want to pee.

Sexual assault survivors will want to know why their attackers walk away with a slap on the wrist, after being found guilty, but all the failed investigations and fruitless legal hearings in the world will never prove Clinton's innocence.

Your African-American friends will most likely expect a solid reason why you supported a party that sees no problem with police brutality or the militarization of their local law enforcement. Black Lives Matter, but not nearly as much as sticking it to the 1% percent. I suppose this seems like a problem we can continue to kick down the road.

I'd also prepare a few remarks for officers who go to work everyday terrified that they'll be the next ones punished for the ignorance of those who share their uniform, an ignorance that's been encouraged, normalized and weaponized by a news cycle that rewards the loudest jackass in the room and punishes the thoughtful introspection of empathy.

You'll also want to start growing your own food, because once President Trump sends his goons to deport "All dem illegals", you'll find a remarkably non-existent workforce of Americans willing to pick the nation's food for pennies a day.

This would also be the best time to pick up a few stuffed animals. It's the least you can give to the immigrant children whose families will be ripped apart by your anger. What's Spanish for, "You'll get a new mother ,but I won't get another revolution."?

I imagine a few mosques would love to sit down with you as you poetically pontificate on the ills of "Crooked Hillary" and all the crimes she's mysteriously never been convicted of, even if it means the Muslim community continues to be targeted and blamed for the actions of 0.0001% of their religion. (You won't need to do this for the white "lone wolf" shooter, as it's clear they're acting alone and clearly don't represent Christianity. He's just "sad and depressed.")

Skype will be a great tool when you need to video chat with the Syrian refuges who have seen their homes and entire lives destroyed by both American and Russian carpet bombing. Language barriers aside, I imagine they'll understand that your frustration is a fair trade for their entire lives and continued homelessness while we scramble to fix the mess we created, the mess Trump is happy to abandon.

If you could set aside some time to sit down with your fellow Americans with disabilities, I am positive they would love to hear the many reasons you helped empower a man so fond of mocking them. A man who delights in stepping on the weak, struggling and often forgotten. A coward enriched by rolling over people who many of us don't bother to recognize and even fewer take the time to empathize with or relate to. I imagine their daily struggles pale in comparison with your need to label a Mother and Grandmother as a "Lying whore."

In the end, you won't have enough time to meet with all these people and it's probably for the best. Once you start humanizing those most affected by your flippancy ... you risk seeing the bigger picture, which only assures your eventual return to reality. Once that starts to happen you'll be forced to accept that Bernie Sanders was ONLY able to get the DNC to change, because of the tireless efforts of his supporters.

Supporters like myself. Supporters like you.

You'll soon realize that few "Berners" love Hillary, but they understand their support of her is necessary to ensure this country survives long enough to give Bernie's policies time to take root. Suddenly you'll be forced to admit that political revolutions don't happen in a year and that dramatic changes are going to take time, time that will not be afforded to a country torn apart by an egotistical madman with a penchant for indifference, pettiness and revenge. By the time this realization solidifies, you'll find yourself looking around at this beautifully diverse country, your family, and loved ones and you'll wonder why you ever considered risking it... all because your hatred of a woman was more powerful than your love of country, freedom, humanity and basic decency. You'll question your friends who are cursing the man they just recently considered their savior and you'll have to look at yourself from the outside in.

There it is. Perspective.

This is bigger than you, or me or Bernie Sanders. This isn't your typical Left vs. Right political nonsense. This is real, this is happening and you can join your fellow men and women in opposition or you can damn the country to trillions in debt, a shattered NATO, racial hatred, homophobia, war, isolationism and a world destroyed by Trump's assurance that Climate Change is a "hoax".

What world will you leave for the next generation? What amount of anger is worth destroying everything and empowering the proud intolerance of the know nothing base? Which politician can be pressured by environmentalists and those who wish to foster peace? Which candidate will listen to the professionals, experts and leaders in their field? Which politician adapts and evolves their political opinions based on the will of their constituents and presentation of new evidence?

We all get to choose how to shape this world and your choice will forever define the person you are and the America you want.

Pragmatism can be a terribly bitter pill to swallow, but change can be found in compromise, progress in patience. As a gay man who only recently felt the embrace of equality, I know all too well the hopelessness of frustration and the righteous rage of disappointment, but I refuse to abandon progress or those still waiting for their seat at the table, because I dislike the host of the party.

I am not voting for her, I am voting for them.

Don't burn down the farm, because the crop wasn't what you had hoped. Enrich the land, ensuring an even better crop next season and help his supporters secure a world welcoming and willing to see Bernie's goals come to fruition.

-Justice Blaine Wainwright

Goodbye UMC

Well it's official.  Today I sent emails & letters to the Bishop of the North Carolina Conference of the United Methodist Church, the Capital District Superintendent of the North Carolina Conference of the United Methodist Church and the minister of Pleasant Grove United Methodist Church, requesting that my name be removed from membership in the UMC.

May 24, 2016

Re: UMC Membership

Bishop Ward, Rev. Fairley and Rev. Minnick,

I write this today after listening to the UMC General Conference 2016 as often I as I could the past two weeks, along with following the feeds on Twitter on a nearly pathological scale during the same amount of time.  My feelings on what was or was not accomplished at General Conference 2016 will probably seem simplistic at best.  I know that the issues that were before this conference were many, much larger and of greater scale than I could imagine and that the few issues that were of greatest concern to me possibly did not warrant as much attention from the body of the conference as I feel they should have received.  My greatest hope however since the 2012 General Conference was that the language in the Book of Discipline regarding homosexuality and thus the attitude of the United Methodist Church would be altered to the point where everyone would not only be welcomed to the Table, but would actually have a Place at the Table.  This has not happened.  Non-acceptance of LGBT individuals as they are, as God made them, without allowing them to openly express who they are, is not acceptable to me.  My hope for the UMC was that it would truly be transformative into the Body of Christ in the world by first acknowledging the harm that the UMC has done in the past to the LGBT community and secondly, move forward with open arms to embrace ALL of God’s children equally.  I’m sure there are those that feel that is what the UMC is doing.  I however, along with a large number of others, do not.  I have not been a Methodist for that long although my father was a Methodist his entire life.  My mother was Baptist and I was raised Southern Baptist but left that Church in my late teens due to the intolerance I was seeing around the denomination.  I steered clear of organized Christianity for most of my life after that until finding Pleasant Grove UMC.  The ministry and sense of community I found there truly did become a part of my family.  PGUMC saw me through what was easily the worst period of my life.  Since General Conference 2012 I have had many conversations with my minister about the direction of the UMC.  Through hope, commitment and prayer, I pledged to see it through to the 2016 General Conference.  During the last four years I videoed a message to the Connectional Table in 2014 about “Why should I stay in the UMC?”; I contacted the Reconciling Ministries Network to become a member of one; I sent letters and emails of protest during trials of Pastors who I felt were actually following through on being Disciples of Christ by ministering to the LGBT community.  Most recently, I emailed Bishop Ward to please make a statement about North Carolina’s HB2 legislation.  I have remained faithful to my pledge to see it through to General Conference 2016.  But the UMCGC came and is now over.  All votes on human sexuality were deferred and the Council of Bishops suggested that the topic be referred to a special commission to review & discuss the language in the Book of Discipline with regard to human sexuality.  After 40+ years of struggling to be heard and waiting, the UMC is now asking the LGBT community to wait until 2018 or 2019.  Nothing substantive changed.  They entertained motions this time, but in the end did what has always been done, deferred to later.  The UMC once again has chosen unity over justice and equality.  Holding together a denomination is more important than living into the teachings of Christ.  It is time.  It is time for me to admit that I cannot in good conscience remain a member of the United Methodist Church as it is at this time.  It is time for me to respectfully request that my name be stricken from the membership rolls of the United Methodist Church.  Given that the UMC lost more than 52,000 members in 2015, it is realistic to say that judging by the outrage over this General Conference, the number for 2016 will be even greater.  My absence will just be one but I know I’m not the only one.

I pray that the UMC will one day live into my understanding of the teachings of Christ and the vision of John Wesley.  I am but one lay person.  I leave the Methodist Church with a heavy heart.  I know that I will always be welcome at Pleasant Grove UMC regardless of my membership or any future church/denomination affiliation.

Thank you for your time.  I will continue to hold you in my prayers.

Jeff Holland

I did receive a response from my minister expressing appreciation for the email.  He went on to say "Of course I am saddened by the entire situation but I can understand your need to look elsewhere for a community in which you are welcomed wholeheartedly for who you are--period."  He is a wonderful and caring man and pastor.  Thank you Jay.

HB2

HB2 -  Those that know me well, know that I am incensed by this new law that was passed last week by the legislature & signed by the governor.  With that said, if you are a supporter of HB2, you might as well stop reading, hide posts from me or even unfriend me because I am so angry, I am not going to let this go.  Also, because I am so annoyed by McScary & his legislature cronies, at the onset I know this will probably be a very long RANT on my part.  So you are forewarned.

The “bathroom bill” as it is being referred to, on the very surface without giving it much thought, can seem to be harmless enough.  But if you read it, and think about it, you will see that it is such a discriminatory piece of bullsh*t.  It has been billed as legislation to protect “family values” with regard to bathrooms & locker rooms. However it also includes other broad discriminatory language and that assh*le in the governors mansion continues to describe it as “common sense legislation”.

Point 1: Protection for individual citizens of North Carolina -  Question: Does this take existing protections away?  Gov. McScary says it doesn’t but rather establishes a statewide anti-discrimination policy in NC which is tougher than the federal government’s.  However, that claim is problematic at best.  The law wipes away protections for people against being fired on the basis of “race, religion, color, national origin, age, sex or disability”.  In particular, the bill says NC law does not create, and shall not be construed to create or support a statutory or common law private right of action and no person may bring any civil action based upon this new public policy.  Therefore if an individual feels they have been wrongfully fired, they cannot sue, but have to head to FEDERAL COURT.   Also, in at least 3 cities in NC, there were previously held nondiscrimination ordinances that are affected.  The one in Charlotte that was the so called basis for HB2; also Greensboro has a nondiscrimination policy that covers many things including housing; and Raleigh has a policy that prohibits discrimination by city contractors on the basis of age, handicap, sex, race, color, creed, sexual orientation and national origin.  HB2 says that the policy of the state is to prohibit discrimination based on “Race, Religion, Color, National origin, Age, Biological sex or Handicap”.  Conspicuously absent from the list is sexual orientation.  (Sexual orientation was discussed during the legislative session drawing up the bill but was determined to not be necessary and therefore omitted)

Point 2: Will this affect the business environment in NC?  McScary says no.  He says that it doesn’t affect companies in NC and will not change any corporate policies.  The governor doesn’t seem to understand that employees do not live their lives at their place of employment and that outside of work, they too are subject to the laws of NC.  Since the bill was signed, more than 120 corporate execs along with Mayors of major municipalities around the country and Governors of several states have restricted government travel to NC.  The NCAA is looking at whether to continue to have sanctioned sporting events here; the NBA is looking at problems with having the NBA All Star game in Charlotte in 2017 (Atlanta has already asked to have it moved to Georgia); the High Point Furniture Market continues to have cancellations from those previously scheduled to attend. Television & movie studios have halted filming or moved upcoming filming in NC.  Multiple conferences have moved to other states meaning the loss of 100's of rooms and rentals. The point being, this will have an effect on how businesses view NC and the environment here.

Point 3: The bathroom part (only 1 part of a 5 part Bill).  The governor says that anyone who has had sex reassignment surgery can have their birth certificate changed so that they will legally be able to use the public restroom/shower facility of the sex they are.  1- not all states will allow the birth certificate to be changed even after the surgery.  2- not all transgender people have the surgery due to a variety of reasons, not the least of which is the cost of the surgery or possible complications/risks from the surgery.  What do they do?  Live as one sex, but use the opposite sex bathroom when in public?  Seriously a bad idea.  The right wing contingent says it is for safety so “our mothers, sisters and daughters don’t have to worry about a man dressing up as a woman just to gain access to public restrooms and showers to ogle at or assault them”.  In what universe are they living?  Transgender people are not out ogling and assaulting people in restrooms.  We don’t have a single case of this happening.  It’s actually more apt for a transgender person to be assaulted in the bathroom when they are forced to use the inappropriate facility.  Will the transgender male living as a woman run the risk of assault in the men’s room when forced to go in there?  You bet your ass they will.  Will ladies in the women’s room freak out when the transgender female living as a man is forced to go to the women’s restroom?  Of course they would and they would probably call the police and then another can of worms is opened when the police arrive.  The essence of the bill is that we have to use the gender specific bathroom that corresponds to the gender that is on our birth certificate.  How is this going to be monitored?  Will the jobs that we lose in NC due to corporations pulling out or not even considering NC in the first place be replaced by restroom monitors?  Do we need to carry business card size replicas of our birth certificates?  It’s all ridiculous!

Point 4: The lawsuits.  They have already started.  NC is going to have to come up with untold numbers of dollars to fight the myriad of lawsuits that are going to stem from this.  Besides losing jobs, the citizens of NC will also have to deal with the costs of fighting this discriminatory law in federal court.  

Other issues up for discussion stemming from HB2 are also disability rights, Title IX funding and the list continues to grow as more and more segments of the populace realize they are affected by this piece of crap legislation.

Bottom line: Don’t be passive in your opinions to this.  Your state representatives as well as national representatives need to know how unhappy we are.  The state of NC is a laughing stock in the eyes of the nation right now.  We are last in education but first in discrimination.  We in NC deserve better than this and we are a better people than what this law represents.

A delicate posting

It's only been a little more than a month, but it seems so much longer since my last post.  At that time I was trying to figure out if I would be able to go to the beach for the Labor Day weekend.  It seems like so long ago.  I think that is what pain does.  Time moves much slower when you are hurting.  I didn't go to the beach, I went to the hospital instead.  The pain got more intense and I had a bad reaction to one of the antibiotics.  Not a long visit mind you, just long enough for the nausea to be managed and the pain to subside.  I was out by the evening of Labor Day Monday after having slept a lot for a couple of days.  But here we are five+ weeks later and the discomfort remains.  Not pain, at least not constant, just a general discomfort most often after a meal.  I remember it taking a long time last year for the discomfort to go away, but I don't remember it taking this long.  But then again, pain makes time move slower.

Next up, work.  Mostly good.  I am still really enjoying being at our corporate office two to three days a week.  It's nice to have specific tasks/responsibilities to take care of each day and work toward getting them completed without constant interruption.  Much nicer than having to be a jack of all trades and answer question after question (and they are almost always the same questions over and over) which is my Chapel Hill office routine along with biting my tongue not to say something when pulled away from what I'm doing to "problem solve".   There were two perfect examples last week: Agent 1 comes and tells me her computer says she isn't connected to a device and won't do anything.  I go into her office to discover that her monitor is on but she hasn't turned the computer on.  Agent 2 comes and tells me she thinks she broke her email (yes she said that) because all her email is old and only stuff she wrote.  Nothing coming in.  I go to her computer and yep, you guessed it.  She is in her "sent" folder.  Geez.   Oh well, I'm gainfully employed, that's something!

The next two subjects are ones that I am very hesitant to write about.  I feel it necessary to pick my words very carefully and that is something that I'm not very good at.  During Joe's illness, the blog served as such a source of release because I said what I felt and didn't worry about it.  I don't feel that I can do that any longer.  Many people will not understand where I'm coming from; where my head is at; where my heart is at.  I have written a number of posts, mostly when I'm feeling very upset, very frustrated, very emotional and they have never been published but just sit on the blog as drafts...never to be read by anyone.  But here goes, in as delicate a manner as I can muster.

The United Methodist Church.  I'm talking the UMC as a whole.  Not a local congregation.  No individuals.  My perception is that everything in the UMC seems to move at a glacial pace, but I've never been a patient person.  I've listened.  I've read.  I've thought.  I've prayed.  I've stressed.  What do I do?  How do I as a gay male, reconcile my association as a member in good standing with the UMC, when the governing bodies of the UMC do everything in their power to disassociate from the LGBT community.  Or to those wanting reconciliation with the LGBT community- do everything to "talk" or "committee" the issue to a quick death.  Please do not get me wrong, I DO appreciate the efforts of those in favor of a change to the language in the Book of Discipline.  I just truly do not see why there has to be discussion after discussion, pandering after pandering, negotiation after negotiation which inevitably leads to capitulation.  I understand the system of quadrennial General Conferences.  No change this big can happen outside of General Conference.  However, I honestly don't see any progressive movement with regard to the Church.  Maybe I'm too close to it but the "issue" is pretty basic and uncomplicated.  Either the UMC removes the verbiage in the Book of Discipline with regard to  ¶ 304.3 "The practice of homosexuality is incompatible with Christian teaching"; ¶ 613 "The [conference council on finance and administration] shall have authority and responsibility to perform the following functions: 19. To ensure that no annual conference board, agency, committee, commission, or council shall give United Methodist funds to any gay caucus or group, or otherwise use such funds to promote the acceptance of homosexuality or violate the expressed commitment of The UMC"; and "We affirm the sanctity of the marriage covenant that is expressed in love, mutual support, personal commitment, and shared fidelity between a man and a woman. We believe that God's blessing rests upon such marriage, whether or not there are children of the union. We support laws in civil society that define marriage as the union of one man and one woman."  If these passages are not removed or changed, they are once again reaffirming their belief that gay persons are "less than" heterosexual persons.  Rejecting the denomination's stance on gay rights and same-sex marriage were important issues for at least 15 United Methodist annual (regional) conferences this summer.  United Methodists from Washington and the northern panhandle of Idaho approved legislation supporting the Marriage Equality Act.  See ARTICLE   As progressive as those 15 UMC annual conferences are however, there are more that do not feel the same way.  How long before the conservative aspect of the Church realizes the emotional harm that is being inflicted on those of us within the UMC by the Book of Discipline?  HRC watchlist article  Or is that the point?  Drive us out?  Without a change, "Open hearts, Open minds, Open doors" is nothing more than a catch phrase with no substance, meaning, or truth behind it.  So much time is being spent talking about a schism in the UMC.  Will the issue split the Church with conservatives or progressives leaving the UMC depending on the results after General Conference in 2016? Do I care if a split happens?  All this talk about the institution and so very, very little talk about the idea and the teachings of Christ and his inclusiveness of those perceived as "less than".  What is more important?  The institution (UMC) itself or the teachings of faith and discipleship that the institution is supposed to stand for.  Shouldn't it be the faith and discipleship?  So why am I still a Methodist?  Believe me, that is a question I have asked since General Conference 2012.  Joe and I were so hopeful heading into that summer that there would be a change.  But every proposal was shot down, or not even heard at all.  At the first PGUMC staff meeting after the 2012 General Conference, Jay asked Joe if I was going to come back to PGUMC.  The three of us had discussed at length our hopes and Jay knew it was important to us.  I did come back and have been faithfully attending, tithing, and working on several committees ever since.  I love PGUMC.  Maybe I should say I love Pleasant Grove.  It's the UMC I can do without.  But at what point does my conscience take over?  At what point do I say, "I love the people of PGUMC, but in good conscience, I have to find a denomination where I am accepted as equal to".  I struggle with that weekly.  Do I just say I'm sorry and walk away to a local Church of Christ, Presbyterian or Episcopal church?  I think about it a lot.  I have an emotional attachment to PGUMC.  The church was very important to Joe.  But do I need to go to a church because Joe went there?  As much as Joe loved PGUMC, had he not gotten sick, I think he would have actively sought out a job at a different denomination.  We talked about it several times.  He really wanted a full time Director of Music job but at that time, there was no hint of a possibility from PGUMC.  He was very unhappy with the UMC stance following the 2012 General Conference.  He became quite political with regard to LGBT issues the last 5 years of his life.  I complained loudly and vigorously when he repeatedly insisted on going to Raleigh to protest against Amendment One outside the General Assembly.  Chemo in the morning and protest in the afternoon.  Recent Supreme Court decisions are bittersweet as it changes very little for me personally but maybe it will improve my psyche.  So do I wait and see what happens in 2 years in the UMC?  2 years of frustration with only a slight glimmer of hope at the end. (I know that is a pessimistic viewpoint & statement)  Or do I cut my loses and try to find a denomination more accepting now?   I recently filmed a 2 1/2 minute video and submitted it to the Connectional Table’s Human Sexuality Task Force live stream event to be held on Saturday 11/1/14.  They are selecting 3 videos to be shown and discussed as part of the program.  I have no reason to think my video will be selected, but then I have no reason to think it won't.  Here is a link to my video:  http://youtu.be/HLa2mFKjIug.  My heart just isn't in trying to hold on right now.  But my lack of heart could be a sign of something else.

Something else. My doctor says I need to try to get out more.  See friends, go see movies, have people over to my house.  Seclusion is only making things seem worse.  Problem one: Friends are busy with their own lives.  Problem two:  I don't like to go to movies alone and there's nothing I want to see lately anyway.  Problem three: One friend has been to my house two times since Joe died (20 months), two families from church one time, out of town friends have been twice.  That's five visits in 20 months (not that I'm keeping count or anything <G>).  Obviously I don't exactly have people begging to come to the house.  I get it.  I'm sure most of my friends associate the house with Joe.  They haven't been here since he died and probably don't want to.  Heck, if I didn't live here, I might not want to come here.  But I do.  I sleep here.  I get up, shower, go to work, come back home, go to bed.  Then the cycle starts over. Then the thoughts start over.  Then the grief starts over.  Then the sun comes up and the next day begins with the same outcome.  What's the Narcotics Anonymous phrase, "The definition of insanity is repeating the same mistakes and expecting different results."  Maybe that's me.  Same behavior and expecting (or not) things to change.  Possibly change only happens when I change.  I'm supposed to "set realistic expectations about myself and for myself and others."  Hmmmm.   Food for thought for me on this Autumn evening.

So what now.  The last thing I want is for anyone to think I'm not appreciative of everything that PGUMC did for Joe and for me.  They have been my lifeline for the last four years.  They have been my friends, my family.  No amount of thank you's could ever be enough.  What I want is for the UMC to change.  What I need is acceptance.  But would that acceptance really change the way I feel most of the time.  Alone.  Separate.  I just have to weigh the "wants" and "needs" and decide which is more important.  Maybe when I get my head straightened out I can make decisions on a variety of topics including the UMC.  

Last night I had the strangest experience.  Maybe experience is the wrong word.  I'm sure most people would just say dream, but if a dream, it was unlike any I have ever had.  I don't typically dream about Joe except when it's really just a replay of an actual event that has happened in our lives together.  But last night, in the middle of some random dream that I don't even remember, there was Joe, looking at me from across a room.  I knew it was a dream, but I ran to him, put my arms around him and hugged him.  I said, "I've missed you so much."   He replied, "I know baby, it's just hard for me to manifest here like this."  I pulled back from the embrace and looked at his smiling face just inches from mine and his features dissolved away and I woke up.  I can still feel the embrace.  It was so vivid.  So tactile.  I of course immediately tried to go back to sleep but couldn't.  But it has left me with the strangest feeling all day.  Another explanation of the feeling could be only getting 3 hours sleep and my cold.  Even in the wake of feeling so odd, I can be a realist.  

But let me close with a question, "When is Thom Tillis going to claim that Kay Hagan is responsible for ebola?"