Thursday, February 28, 2013

February 28, 2013

A long, long time ago in a land far, far away lived an incredibly brilliant young musician who would grow up to be a teacher with the amazing ability to touch young lives and impact them in such a profound way, that decades after being under his tutelage, they still recalled even the smallest of details of their everyday classes as well as the life lessons and appreciation for music he had shown them. These young minds would grow up to have families of their own and share some of the lessons taught by this teacher. Some would find themselves pursuing careers in music while others would start family traditions of watching films at certain holidays as they had been shown by their music instructor. For you see, this teacher not only taught music, but he taught appreciation for every aspect of the arts. His many favorite films were shown in class, exposing some students to Hollywood classics that they had never heard of before. Now, some of these same former students make a point of watching these films with their children and filling their heads with stories of their teacher and all he told and showed them. Other students went on to a variety of careers but remember the life lessons of patience and caring. Lessons not only taught, but shown through the life that this brilliant musician and teacher led. A life well lived and legacy left behind.

An interesting week thus far. I went to see my family last Saturday and had my last "Pre colonoscopy" meal with them. After a late night drive back home, I arose early on Sunday and attended the 8:30am service at PGUMC and then came home afterwards to begin the "cleanse" ! Now how exciting does that sound?? By Monday morning not only was I starving, but I was really tired of the cleansing. Lucinda arrived at noon to take me to the clinic and in record time, we were back at the house around 2pm after a quick stop for me a big burger! Nothing says I'm through cleansing like a Big Mac. The colonoscopy went ok. The doctor did find four polyps and removed them. He did not think there was any reason for concern but sent them off to pathology just to be 100% certain.

Last night was dinner with the Lawson's (wonderful time...thank you very much) and then tonight a nice evening at home after a long day at work....a loooonnng day at work.
Reruns on TV mean time for bed. Tomorrow night is the Youth Dinner Theater at PGUMC. Looking forward to it and hopefully some fun and laughs.

Thank you to everyone for your caring, prayers and support. I am truly blessed by being surrounded by such wonderful friends and family

Thursday, February 21, 2013

February 21, 2012

Today I made what I consider a giant step. I arrived at the Duke Cancer Center a little early for my counseling appointment so I had Leigh Howard paged. I had not seen either Leigh or Dr. Zafar since Joe's death although I had spoken to each of them. I had wanted to see them because of how important both of them were to Joe and still are to me. Although Joe fought really hard against the cancer, I attribute much of his ability to have survived for over two years to the care he received from our oncology team. They are both such wonderful people as well as incredibly gifted medical professionals. For more than two years they were part of our lives. We saw them weekly. A close relationship developed between us. I have missed them but knew it would be difficult to see them again and although I have been to the DCC weekly, have not had the courage to go up to the third floor to see them. Today I found that courage and I saw both of them. Although it was a tearful visit on my part, it felt good to visit with them, talk to them and express my gratitude. After that I went back downstairs for my counseling session.

Today when I got home I pulled all of mine and Joe's tax information together so that our taxes can be done. I also pulled out all the cards that I received following the news of Joe's death and the memorial service. So many people to thank for thinking of me and our families. The Hardy family, Virginia Joines, Julie Hilton Steele, Tim & Netta Ketterman, Erin Juliano, John Belch, Marcia Fleishman, Wes & Cathy Anderson, Ruth Heath, the Russell family, Hal & Deanna Bruen, Phil & Pat Hoffman, the Potratz family, the Duke CC GI Oncology Program, Barbara Johnson, Patty Kranich, Iris & Mike Colvin, Bill & Fredda Umphlett, Donna Clelland, the Minnick family, Angela Teachey, Desiree Davis-Omburo, the Simpson family, Marilyn Kennedy, Mary Nell Thomas, the Hume family, Bob & Mary Anderson, Amy Daws, Cheryl Crane & David Murray, Nancy Glascow, Jennifer & Rob Williams, Kent Parks & Randy Moore, Don & Doris Click, Michael & Missy Fox, Stella Honeycutt, Valerie & Leroy Hurd, Shawn Morgenlander, Lennie & Dianne Rosenbluth, Becka Huckabee, the Shade family, Ray & Judy Peede, Charlotte Margolis, Michele Burris, Laura Delauney, Stephen Melott, Jane Albright, Larry & Angela Tollen, Beverly & Talmadge Skinner, Mark Shelton & Michael Gosch, Katy Lupton, Jan Jackson, Donna Lloyd, Wayne Dedrick, John & Glynnis Cowell, Mary Kay Pendergraph, the Piscorik family, Bert Elliott, Mary Thomas, Durham Regional Assoc. of Realtors, the Clemo family, Bill Lupton & Sandy Okazaki, Ruth Patterson, Jenny & Bill Krieski, the entire Quest group at PGUMC.....and many have sent multiple cards & thoughtful gifts. Meals with the Minnicks, the Frys, the Clarks, the Levines, the Lawsons, Lucinda, Mike, Jeff, and Artie. Phone calls from Rob & Lola, Mark & Jill, Bill & Sandy, Scott & Ken and others. Many others have helped with a variety of tasks. These people along with other friends and family are a major force in what is helping me get through each day.

Tonight after seeing Leigh & Yousuf; a counseling session; organizing the taxes; along with a day at work, I am tired! It's only 6:45 pm but I hear my bed calling. After I call Joe's mother, I think I will turn in early. I have a feeling of accomplishment and it feels good.

Thank you to EVERYONE who continues to pray for me and remember me in their thoughts. I am humbled and most grateful.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

February 20, 2012

It's been nearly a week since my last post. These 6 days have been filled with ups and downs as has become the norm. On the business side of things I've made some progress. Our joint American Express account has been dealt with and is now solely in my name as are the two timeshares. I had put off the call to American Express because Joe had set up several bills to automatically be charged to the card. I felt by early February that I had most likely gotten everything moved, but I wanted to wait until the end of the billing cycle on the 15th to be sure. Once that statement came, I made the call and cancelled his card and had the account transferred to my name. The timeshares I had just been lazy about. I knew it would be a hassle and I was right. I was on the phone for almost 1 1/2 hours this morning with Wyndham attempting to get everything taken care of. I'm glad I finally did it and it is over with, but it truly was the worst "account" I've had to deal with. The only thing left is going to DMV to get the titles on the cars changed to my name only. Of course there are the taxes to deal with, but I will have a professional take care of that this year. I think my head might explode if I tried to do it at this point. I received the last of the life insurance checks so I have a better idea of finances now. Still have Joe's 401k to deal with, but the forms the state sent make no sense to me, so I will have to get some guidance as to what is best on that front. (Bill and Fredda, I'll need some help from you on that front.....please.)

On the emotional front I still have ok times, not so ok times and then just plain bad times. Last weeks counseling at the Duke Cancer Center was intense for me and then the bereavement counseling through Hospice Tuesday turned out to be nearly as grueling. Talking for an hour through tears and sobbing is exhausting. After going back to work I was very zombie like for the rest of the day. Another session at the DCC is scheduled for this Thursday.

The good parts this week have been church on Sunday morning, Jake's 1st birthday party on Sunday afternoon and dinner with friends on Monday night.  Another good part was the blooming of Joe's poinsettia.  The first small bloom appeared on Joe's birthday and since then blooms have been appearing almost daily.  Each time I look at it I smile.  I know Joe is enjoying the color and is thrilled that it finally bloomed.  Maybe he had something to do with it.  Hopefully the remainder of the week will have some more good parts.  I'll keep my fingers crossed and say an extra prayer.  Thank you to everyone who continues to remember me in their prayers.  I am most grateful.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

February 14, 2013

I have heard from many people this week expressing their sympathy and concern knowing that this would be a hard week for me. With this past Monday being Joe's birthday, Ash Wednesday yesterday and Valentines Day today, yes it has been a difficult week. Monday was tough and I only managed to work through late morning that day. I met a co-worker for lunch and then that night, part of our little "group" met for dinner to celebrate Joe. Being with friends definitely helped me through the day.

Tuesday I had a counseling session at the Duke Cancer Center in the late afternoon so I was able to work most of the day. I can't say that I "enjoy" the sessions but I do find them helpful. The key is to be brutally honest about my feelings. I leave exhausted, but being able to talk freely with someone is a step forward.

I worked full days on Wednesday and today and have just tried not to think about Valentines Day. I usually didn't make much fuss over this day, but Joe always did. There was always a card, usually flowers and chocolate. He tended to spoil me and of course I let him. I bought three bouquets of roses on Sunday for Joe's birthday because he loved having fresh flowers in the house. So even though he wasn't here to give me flowers, I can look around the living room, dining room and family room and see beautiful flowers that remind me of these two special days that we had for over 14 years.

Yesterday was the Ash Wednesday service at PGUMC. It was very emotional for me. I know I will eventually get used to being at church without Joe, and eventually used to hearing the choir sing without Joe but it still gets to be a little overwhelming sometimes. Last night was one of those. It's a good thing that it is a very short service since I pretty much cried through most of it. Any longer and I probably would have just had to leave.

Everyone has been so sympathetic and supportive. I can't thank everyone by name, but you know who you are: those of you who write me emails expressing support; those of you who send sympathy cards; those of you who call to check up on me; those of you who have taken me out to dinner or lunch; those of you who offer a hug and a shoulder; those of you who listen to me when i need to talk; those of you who give me a reassuring smile when you see me. I thank all of you.

This weekend I am going to go to Hope Mills to see my family. Get away from Durham if just for a day. I think it will do me some good but I know I'll probably tear up during the drive since this too will be my first trip back home without Joe in so, so many years. Another place where we made precious memories. One day I will notice the list of "firsts" has grown shorter rather than longer but that day is a long way off right now.

I hope everyone has had a most happy and love filled Valentines Day. Hold your loved ones close and tell them how much they mean to you. The one thing I do find comfort in is the knowledge that Joe Lupton knew how much I loved him and I know how much he loved me. Never a day went by that we didn't say it and show that love to one another. So I'll close with "Joe, you are still My Valentine and I love you."

Monday, February 11, 2013

February 11, 2013 Happy Birthday Joe

I cried when you passed away.
I still cry today.
Although I loved you dearly
I couldn't make you stay.
A golden heart stopped beating,
Hard working hands at rest.
God broke my heart to prove to me
He only takes the best.

Happy Birthday Joe. I love you and I miss you.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

February 9,2013

Now this is what a Saturday is supposed to be like. Late to rise from bed this morning, followed by a light breakfast, a short nap on the couch, followed by lunch, another nap on the couch, putting in a load of laundry, followed by yet another nap and then around 3:30 pm I finally stopped the napping. Of course by then the day was pretty much over so I just finished my laundry and started my "Angel" marathon. That's also about the time I started sneezing again. Don't really think my cold is back, I think it was just dormant for awhile. Last night I had a sinus headache and this is probably just the pressure being released. Hopefully by morning I will be my old self.

The last few days have been okay. After the Time Warner debacle, I managed to take care of our Verizon Wireless account on Thursday evening. Although I had to go to two different locations (you have to have a death certificate for that too) the second Verizon store was able to get everything handled quickly. One more check mark on my to-do list. Last night I went out to dinner with the Minnicks and had a wonderful time. They are a great family to be around and distract you from your woes. This week I've had wonderful friends look out for me and take me to dinner. I thank each of them. You are all so dear to me and I am very grateful.

Tomorrow is church and then a short drive to Wilson to meet the Lupton's at Bill's Bar-b-que for lunch. Monday would be Joe's birthday and we are meeting to celebrate. We have done that several times over the years so we felt we should go ahead and do it this year in remembrance.

Thank you for the cards, messages, emails and phone calls this week. Each time someone reaches out it helps a little more.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

February 6, 2013


Hope.  That’s my word for today.  And the word is notjust for me.  It’s for you too.  Hope, hope that you never have to make change of utilities calls to our area suppliers. Now don’t get me wrong.  They werenot all bad.  I would even venture to saythat everyone I spoke with was very pleasant. 

I had procrastinated on getting them switched fromJoe’s name to my name since the bills were still being paid.  However, some of them were being paidautomatically by being charged to his American Express so we could get thepoints.  The American Express is something that I need to deal with sooner rather than later, so I felt that today I needed to just bite the bullet and make some calls.  First came Duke Energy.  That was an easy one and within 5-10 minutes,it was all switched over to my name via a phone call.  I then called Time Warner Cable.  After pushing a multitude of buttons, I finally got a real human being and told him what I needed.  He informed me that I would have to dothat at  one of the offices.  Therefore I would need to make a drive.  Fortunately there is one here in Chapel Hill so I planned to go during lunch.  Next up was PSNC.  Again, it was a breeze.  10 minutes after the conversation began, it was switched to me and I had a new account number.  I then went ahead and filled out the two remaining sets of paperwork for Joe’s life insurance.  I had dreaded doing it, but it actually turned out to be rather easy and doing it at the office rather than home bymyself was  probably a very good thing.  So those two envelopes went out in today’s mail.
So that brought me to 1pm and my lunch time.  I hoped in the car and drove the few miles tothe TW Cable office.  Luckily, when I went in, there was no one in line so I immediately stepped up to the lady behind the counter.  First off, let me just say that she was very nice and expressed her sympathy for my loss.  Then in the next breathe she asked if I had a death certificate.  Fortunately for me, Igo nowhere without one these days and pulled one out of my pack of papers.  But I did stand there with what I’m sure was a bemused look on my face.  In order to have the cable switched to my name, even though I have identification that shows that I reside at the same address, I had to produce a death certificate….for cable television.  I can’t imagine that there is a big market out there for people who ask for cable television to be billed to them instead of the person living in a home.  I can see if I was asking for the service to be billed to someone else that it could easily be a case of fraud.  But I was saying “bill me, not Joe”.  Anyway, I filled out the appropriate forms, got the service switched to my name and in the process lowered the bill by $45 without losing any of the channels we already had.  Maybe it was the look on my face that did the trick.  Or maybe it was me saying, I need to lower this bill so I need you to find me some promotion going on.  Either way, I got it done.   So I feel a little proud of myself.  Two insurance papers completed and 3 utilities switched in one day without any drama. 

I still have details to take care of, but slowly the list is getting smaller.  Tomorrow is counseling at the Duke Cancer Center and maybe afterwards, I will get one more thing knocked off the list: DMV to have the titles & registrations for the 2 cars changed to just my name.  Mood after counseling and the line at DMV will be that deciding factor but I won’t think about that today.

I had a call last night from the chaplain at Duke that Joe and I made friends with and visited with us each time he was hospitalized.  She is a very dear woman and in a short time we had grown very fond of her.  She had planned on calling to see if Joe and I would be interested in being interviewed for a segment on “Good MorningAmerica” about the role that faith plays in the healing process for chronically and  terminally ill patients.  Duke was contacted about the segment and had chosen her and one other chaplain to do the interviews.  She had immediately thought of me and Joe and had looked up our number in his file.  It was then that she learned of his death.  We talked for about 30 minutes and it was very emotional for me.  She asked if I would be willing to let her know sometime when I am at the DCC so that she might be able to talk with me some more and of course I agreed.  I always enjoyed talking with her and can’timagine that it could do anything but help. So one day soon, on my own schedule, I will get up with her and have a talk in person.
So that’s been my last two days.  I had dinner with Matt, Carrie & Cleona Fry on Monday night (thank you for dinner but a bigger thank you for the sugarfrom Cleona) and tonight I’m having dinner with Tim, Anna & Emmie Clark.  Looking forward to getting to spend time with them and of course, more baby sugar!  Nothing puts a smile on your face or warms your heart more than a beautiful child!!!

Thank you to everyone for your prayers andconcern.  Please keep them coming.

P.S.  When I got home from work this evening my cable, internet service and phone were all not working.  Apparently they turned off Joe's account but forgot to turn mine on.  So far my cable and internet are back working, but the phone is still out.  Sigh...........


Monday, February 4, 2013

February 4, 2013

Many people have been offering suggestions as to things I can do to help my state of mind, my state of being.  I am most appreciative of each and every suggestion.  One that keeps coming up is finding a grief group to join.  I am still in the hospice program and will be for 13 months even though Joe was only in hospice for 3 days.  Through hospice, I will be able to join a bereavement group, but not until there is one ready for me.  I have been told through hospice that they typically don’t advise someone to join one of the groups until at least 10 weeks out.  The main reason, they want people who are basically in the same timeline since the death of their loved one so that each member can relate more easily with each other.  Also, until that time, the grief is still very knew and sometimes difficult for some people to share with a group.  I have mixed feelings about the group idea.  While I feel in theory it will be good for me, I also am hesitant.  I can almost guarantee that I will be the only gay person who has lost a spouse.  I’m not sure how well I will be accepted in the group and how open the other group members will be to having me there.  Maybe I’m just being paranoid but that is a concern.  Until then I will be meeting with a hospice bereavement counselor one-on-one.  My first session will be tomorrow, Tuesday, at 1pm.  I will express my concerns about the group aspect at that time as well as share my feelings and emotions that I have been dealing with.  I will also continue to have my counseling sessions at the Duke Cancer Center.  I am finding those helpful, if only right now for the day of the session.  I can continue those for as long as needed and I plan to.

Another suggestion has been to get out and walk.  I find this one particularly poignant since Jay’s sermon yesterday was on just that.  Walking.  More specifically walking on a journey.  I do believe that walking would help and I know that the physical activity would be beneficial.  Weather permitting maybe I can start doing that this week when I get home.  Maybe it will help clear my head, maybe it will help tire me so sleep is better, and maybe it will help me start a new normal in my journey.  My neighborhood is great for walking with plenty of sidewalks and space, so if I can just get my butt up and out the door (that is the hardest part), then hopefully I will make it part of a regular routine.

On Saturday night I wrote a post.  Yesterday, Sunday, was a hard day for me.  I can’t be sure exactly what triggered my emotional reaction at church but I am so very grateful for Chelsea Brown and for Harper & Micah Minnick.  I think possibly it was when the choir sang that triggered the swelling of tears that eventually began to overflow.  This was the first time since Joe’s death that the choir has sung and it was a familiar song.  I tried to look at them while they sang but as the tears swelled,  my vision blurred and I had to look away.  During the following communion time,  I once again began to cry as I received communion and walked by the lit candles.  Since we began lighting the candles as a tangible sign of a prayer or personal feeling, I have always lit one and asked God to please help my Joe.  This week, I just couldn’t do it and had to walk by.  The realization that I couldn’t ask God to help ease his pain and suffering as I had done for quite some time was very startling for me.  Upon returning to the pew, Chelsea put her arm around me to comfort me and then during the last hymn, Harper came up and stood with me with her arms around my waist.  As the song ended, Micah appeared and did the same.  The love they showed comforted me and at the same time made me cry harder because I know they did it out of love and caring for me and out of their sorrow of the loss of Joe.  Everyone at PGUMC is still grieving.  Between services, Ivey and I had a good cry at the altar talking about Joe.  His presence still permeates the physical church as well as the congregation.  I am so grateful to each and every one of the PGUMC family.  Please continue your prayers for me to help me find solace.  I pray daily for myself and for our family, friends and church to come to grips with our sorrow.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

February 2, 2013

Sitting here at home on a Saturday night. It's not unlike any other Saturday night except I'm alone. I don't say that to garner pity, just a fact. Joe and I rarely went out or did anything special on Saturday nights, but it was more likely the night when we would relax at home, watch a movie, or have a few friends over. It was never a late night since Joe got up very early for the two Sunday services and had to get to church early to go through his music.

Ever since February 2011, when the tumor could not be removed, I knew the day would come when he would be gone. I knew I would be sad, devastated. I just didn't imagine that the pain would be this intense.

My family visited today. It was a very good visit and a good distraction. Lunch and an afternoon of talking, laughs and a movie. Couldn't ask for more than that. But then came the goodbyes. That's the hard part. Just like last weekend when Joe's family visited. I did well until the goodbyes. I do well at work during the week until the end of the day. The ride home is when I cry. That's when I think about the fact that Joe will not be home when I get there. He was always home when I got there. That coupled with the darkness of night is what makes for long evenings. I talk on the phone to friends and family, but then I hang up and I'm alone. Joe isn't here. Instead my only company is the pain. I have very good friends who have gone through this. They have survived this. They experienced the same things I am experiencing and have moved forward. I ache for the day when I feel I have made forward progress. Right now it feels that daily I take one step forward during the day and two steps backwards during the night.

I sit here now thinking about church tomorrow. A morning that will be filled with forward motion. An afternoon and evening hopefully filled with family and friends. I make myself think positive. Push back the negative. But it is so hard. The solicitation calls asking for Joe from non English speaking sales people and me telling them he is deceased and them continuing to say "Mr. Lupton, Mr. Lupton" until I scream at them that he is dead and they hang up. The junk mail with his name on it. The insurance papers with my name on it stuffed with paperwork after paperwork all with form cover letters expressing sorrow for my loss. My loss. It should also express sorrow for me being lost. That is what I am. Lost with little to no direction. Stumbling along with a plastic smile on my face. I've done nothing, literally nothing for three weeks and yet I have never been so tired. When people speak of being heart broken after the death of a spouse, they don't mention that everything else feels broken as well.

Well I'm a "Debbie Downer" tonight am I not? This isn't how I imagined the day but I don't know why I didn't. It's no different than any other day since Joe died.

So many people have reached out to me with prayers, cards, phone calls, texts and visits. My friends have been so good to me. Both of my families have been so good to me. Joe's mom and I have become very good at helping each other on the particularly bad days. She was having a busy day today and I hope it helped her to keep her mind on other things. But like me, she comes home to an empty house and is alone with her thoughts. We talk nearly every day and although our talks get emotional sometimes, I think it helps us both. We share a grief. We share memories. We share a pain.

It's 8:35pm and time for me to think about bed. I have to try early if I have any chance of getting more than a few hours of sleep. I was up at 3:50am today, but I went to bed at 7:30 so that helped. (Although it was a cold medication induced sleep, not a natural one - but at least it was sleep). I hope everyone has a wonderful Super Bowl Sunday. I have high hopes that it is a good one for me. Bright skies, less cold symptoms and looking forward. That's what I hope the daylight brings.

Vaccination date set

 This morning at 8 a.m. we began the process of trying to get an appointment date.  I had 3 appointments at the Duke Cancer Center so I was ...