The Last First

This weekend as the one year anniversary of Joe's death has neared I have not been able to get the events of that night out of my head.  It's not surprising since I've thought about that night for the last 364 evenings.  However since yesterday, it has been constantly on my mind.  I've watched movies, TV shows, monitored tornado warnings (that was wild yesterday huh?), read from two books, ran 5 miles in the rain, and I can't get the thoughts out of my brain.  I've said before that 7:05 pm on 1/13/13 is permanently seared into my brain but I've been wracking my brain trying to remember other parts of the evening.

I remember very vividly (too vividly actually) finding Joe after I had taken the trash out to the curb.  I remember vividly screaming at him, shaking him and becoming quite hysterical.  I remember vividly calling 911 and having the operator walk me through CPR while waiting for the dispatched EMT's to arrive.  I remember vividly running down the stairs and letting the EMT's in and telling them where Joe was and that I had the DNR order from hospice.  I remember vividly watching and listening to the EMT's as they checked for any sign of life and telling me he was gone.  I remember vividly them telling me sit down, trying to calm me and asking if there was a neighbor or someone close by that they could get for me (I had them go next door and tell Mackenzie).  I remember vividly calling my sister, Jay and Bill.  I remember vividly when Mackenzie came in and held me as I lay on the bed next to Joe's lifeless body and cried.  I remember vividly when Jay arrived (it seemed like he made it from the church to my house in 5 minutes) and the look on his face.  I remember Jay asking if I had called Jill and I said no.  I remember trying to find her number on my phone but my hands were shaking too much so either Jay or Mackenzie took the phone and made the call.  At some point the hospice nurse arrived (I couldn't pick her out of a line up at this point if I had to) and she pronounced Joe deceased.  We talked about funeral homes and she made the call to Clements for me.  I don't remember anyone else arriving at the house although I remember people being there.  Jill and Mark.  Phyllis and Aimee.  Mike and Jeff.  Lara and Joe.  The EMT's left but returned after the men from Clements arrived to help bring Joe downstairs from the bedroom.  I talked with the man from Clements about arrangements and my friends and family were here.  I don't know who was in the room with me.  I don't know who saw Joe before they took him away.  I don't remember if I called Rob and Lola.  I remember talking to Bill again later in the evening and I remember talking to Bettie.  I know that Joe's mother stayed at Bettie's house that night but I don't remember if I talked to her.  I remember sitting in the family room for what seemed like hours and hours with everyone, but I don't think it was really that long.  I remember Phyllis and Aimee staying the night with me.  I remember going up to bed that night and laying on Joe's side of the bed (I still sleep there every night).  I know I did a video post that night as there is evidence on the blog, but I don't remember doing it.  I remember crying.

The events of the next week are somewhat blurred at times as well.  The next day, Monday, I went to the bank first thing and retrieved items from the safety deposit box (will, power of attorney, car titles, etc).  At some point and I'm not sure if it was in the morning or closer to noon, Bettie and Joe's mother arrived.  Early afternoon we went to the funeral home where we made the arrangements and were able to see Joe. Mark was here at the house all day and stayed here with me that night.  People were coming and going and it is all a bit of a haze.  I don't remember any specifics about Tuesday, Wednesday or the daylight hours of Thursday.  I remember there was a storm on Thursday evening, it snowed just as Bill and Sandy landed at RDU, and the power at the house went out.  We have concluded that the snow was Joe's way of welcoming Bill and Sandy to Durham as he loved very few things more than snow.  On Friday Bill and I went to Clements to pick up Joe's ashes and then over to the church to deliver them for the service the next day.  I have no specific memories of Friday night.  Of course the service was Saturday and that I remember very well.

So what do I do with these memories?  Do I try and hold onto them or do I let them fade so that only the memories of our life together remains?  I'm sure over time, even the details that I do remember will fade.  All but walking into the bedroom and finding him.  That detail I'm sure will remain with me.  I still remember being in the hospital room with my mom in 1997 when I heard her take her last breath and then die.  That sound and sight is still as fresh now as it was 17 years ago.  I guess some things just stay with you.  I guess we are put in certain places at certain times for a reason.  Ours is not to question why.  Yeah, right!  This is me we are talking about.  I question everything.  Who, where, when, how and definitely why.  I still question why I wasn't in the room when Joe took his last breath.  I was there for the diagnosis, the treatment, the surgeries, the hospitalizations, the nausea, the diarrhea, the fatigue, the insomnia,...the good, the bad and the ugly.  Why wasn't I there at that moment?  We didn't have much trash.  We had only been home 3 days that week from the hospital.  I didn't have to take it out.  It could have waited.  I know, I know, I know....quit beating myself up, quit asking a question that can't be answered.  I wish I could.  I've tried for a year but haven't been able to let it go.

Monday is the 1 year anniversary of the worst day of my life.  The last first.  Will the seconds be easier?  I pray they are.

                                   

As I sit here tonight I'm trying to think of my favorite memory of Joe.  There are so, so many it is impossible to pinpoint an "all-time favorite" as Joe would say.  Our wedding of course places up there in the favorite category along with the first time he told me he loved me, the look on his face the first time I told him I loved him and the other sentimental, lovey-dovey times.  But there are all the times he laughed so loudly in movie theaters that it embarrassed me, the times Sara visited and we did "family" things, the trips around the U.S., the nights sitting in the rocking chairs at the beach, the night he got so mad at me and stormed out of the house and backed his car out of the garage only to return a minute later, deflated, because he couldn't think of any where to go (I laughed until I cried at how frustrated he was...he laughed too!), the excitement he had when he got the finished copy of his first CD, the many, many, many times he just looked at me and I could see the love in his eyes.  What is there not to miss when it comes to Joe.  He infected all of us with his joy and love for life and music.  We all love you Joe Lupton.  We all miss you.

Maybe I Should....

First full gang get together since Joe's death was tonight.  Yes, we are just one week away from it being 1 year since he died and it took us this long.  I think it's safe to say that since Joe was how we all met, he was the glue that kept us together so it has taken awhile.  We had great food, great laughs, and great conversation.  I know the absence of Joe was the "white elephant" in the room, but it didn't bring the festivities down.  He was mentioned constantly, referenced continually.  His presence is still felt.  

However, I, couldn't help but watch and listen and think.  Everyone's lives have continued to move forward, and rightly so, but as I watched, it became even more apparent, if only to me, that I haven't.  I'm still right where I was a year ago.  My head, my heart, my conscience self, my unconscious self are holding firm, still not moving forward.   My friends loved Joe and all still miss him terribly.  I know that.  It's just strange for me to be in their company, en masse, and see how their lives continue to move and change while mine has stayed rooted in one moment in time for a year now.  I can talk about all that has gone on the past year on a variety of subjects and matters but my head is still firmly entrenched in 7:05pm on 1/13/13.  It hasn't moved from those first 5 minutes since then.  It's there with me while I'm at work, while I'm at home, while I'm at church, while I'm  at the YMCA, while I'm eating, while I'm reading, while I'm watching TV, and most prominently while I'm sleeping.  It is so very odd to be with my closest friends and feel so very separate from them at the same time.  It's odd to be with my closest friends and feel I have very little in common with them any more.  It's odd to be with my closest friends and be thinking of how soon can I leave without hurting any feelings.  Disconnected is probably the best word to use.  But it isn't just my friends.  I feel disconnected from most everyone in my life; friends, co-workers, family.  I can plaster the smile on my face but sometimes it is just a facade and rather than be where I am or with someone, I had just as-soon be at home on the couch or in bed reading.  I've never been the most social of people, which ALL my friends can attest to but I wonder if I'm becoming just plain antisocial.  Sort of the "if I can't have it my way I'll take my ball and go home" syndrome.  I can't have Joe with me, so I'll just keep to myself.  Also tonight I started one of my allergy and/or cold onslaughts.  Sneezing, runny nose, itchy eyes.  Since I have lived in an animal free zone for more than a year, I've become very susceptible to animal dander and tonight there were two present.  I hope that is all it was and have taken massive doses of all things to stop the symptoms and have landed in the bed already.  Where is my Joe when I need him to keep me warm and supplied with tissues.  Where is my Joe...

Maybe more time will help.  Maybe I should try harder.  Maybe I should.......  

Thanks for the poem Allana