Happy Holidays

There are so many things that I would like to openly write about on here and then there are so many things that I probably should have kept to myself and I wrote waaaayyyy to openly about in the past.

So in an effort to be transparent about the things I should write about and mum about the things I shouldn't, here goes.  There have been biopsies, CT scans, ultrasounds, a prostatic MRI, a complete body bone scan, multiple DRE's, and more blood tests than I can remember over the last few months. I have had PSA tests run with different labs, each with "unique" results.  I have been examined by I think 6 different doctors.  Bottom line, my numbers are good right now and I am foregoing active treatment for the time being.  I already have several follow up doctor appointments for more blood tests & DRE's in the coming months.  Should any test result show a shift, we are ready to pull the trigger on radiation.  I've been given all the information my meager little brain can absorb and at the point in time, when radiation is necessary, I will most likely go with the brachytherapy option instead of the EBRT.  I feel good about the decision and at the very least, during the holiday season (yes, I said HOLIDAY and I'm NOT waging a war on Christmas), I can just try to relax and enjoy without trips back and forth to the Duke Cancer Center.

Though some may think I'm being fool hardy and should just go ahead and have the surgery (yes, I've heard that from more than one person...some people seem more than ready to tell me I'm wrong), I'm just not ready at this point to alter my anatomy and accept the repercussions.  If it becomes absolutely warranted, then of course I would.  But right now, it is not warranted.

But here we are just before Thanksgiving and just around the corner is Christmas.  This year I am going to take a few days vacation just before Christmas like I did in days of old.  This year it will be a return trip to Williamsburg.  I'm sure I'll come back with plenty of pictures of doors.  (If anyone has ever been, the doors and more specifically the wreaths on the doors at Christmas traditionally have been quite beautiful)  But door photos are not the reason for the trip.  The reason, I need a BREAK!

Unless something really unexpected or maybe something wonderful happens, I will probably forego any posts until such time as there is real news.  So, if you don't see anything on here, don't worry, that is a good sign that things are going well....or I can post photos of doors??????

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving and Advent season.  Merry Christmas & Happy New Year.

Bone Scan

Bone scan results: CLEAN as a whistle!!!!  So only the prostate cancer to deal with. Next up, radiation oncologist.   Whew!!!!!!!!  Short post.  Left laptop at home by accident.   More tomorrow.
It's time to celebrate right now.

7:00a.m. Friday:  Ok...so now I have my laptop.  Anatomy of a Bone Scan.  Now that was an interesting experience.  Imagine this -  Adult swaddling : You lay on your back with a blanket, folded in half, wrapped around your upper torso binding and holding your arms against your sides.  Then rubber bands (yes, large rubber bands) are put around your legs and feet.  All of this is designed to hold you perfectly still.  Very mummy like.  Then the moving drawer that you are laying on slides into a tube and for the next 23 minutes you breath very slowly holding perfectly still, like you have any other choice, until the machine has scanned every bone in your body.  But lest I forget, 2 hours before the scan you are injected with a vial of something that comes in a metal box.  It all looked very top secret and radioactive.  After the injection, then I had to drink volumes of liquid to make myself urinate.  It all seemed rather counter productive to inject me with something and then attempt to flush it out.  Just kidding.  I know the purpose of the injection.  The dye was to go to the places where the possible cancer was hiding out!

All in all, while a long, long day, it went rather quickly with all the appointments on time and everyone as usual was pleasant and caring.  I saw familiar faces, had familiar conversations.

Next up, my appointment with my radiation oncologist, Dr. Koontz.

Times up...and then I wait for 2 more weeks.

It seems like the last few months I am doing nothing but hurrying up and waiting.  I saw Dr. Zhang again today at the Duke Cancer Center to get the results of the MRI to see where we stand on the prostate cancer.  Good news is that there is no evidence of any tumor(s) other than the area that we were already aware of.  We did the MRI because there was a discrepancy between the physical exam and the biopsy results.  Bottom line, the biopsy results were accurate.  No surprise there.   YAY.

On the flip side, the MRI did show a lesion on the L5 vertebrae...oh boy.  So, in 2 weeks I have a bone scan on my back followed by another visit with Dr. Zhang.  Unless something really weird happens, at that visit we will make plans as to where we go from here.  It's mostly dependent on what the bone scan shows.  If there is cancer there, that will change everything.  No cancer there, then my decision for now will most likely be what type of radiation (EBRT vs Brachytherapy) to proceed with for the prostate.

The journey continues but I'm not alone in it so that helps tremendously.  Thank you to everyone for your prayers and words of support.  They are invaluable.

48 hours

So by noon tomorrow I should have had one of the most interesting 48 hours of my life.  It started on Tuesday morning when I had my MRI at the Duke Cancer Center.  An MRI by itself is not that "interesting".  I've had one before, in 2011 when I fractured my left foot in 2 places and tore a tendon.  However, an MRI for a man's prostate is not quite so simple.  Yes, the time frame of 45 minutes is about the same.  Yes, you get in the same type of MRI machine.  Yes, you listen to music while the machine buzzes and thumps and shakes.  And yes, you have to lie completely still during the various scans.  But there is one big difference.  If you are interested in details, just Google "prostate MRI coil" and read the description.  Imagine an inflatable portion filled with Barium as well.

So after that humiliating and extremely uncomfortable 45 minutes, I was done for that day.

Tomorrow I go back to the Duke Cancer Center for my followup appointment with Dr. Zhang.  After that I am very hopeful that I will know where I stand, for better or for worse.  Hopefully I will have treatment recommendations.  I am hopeful that the MRI did not show anymore cancer that we already knew was there, but that is a distinct possibility.  If it does, I know that another set up biopsies will be in order.  If that does have to happen, I pray it is no worse than the first procedure.  But I will have some type of pain medication for afterwards.  No more brave crap for me.  Give me drugs!!!!!

Regardless of what the news is, I will share.  Steve will be with me tomorrow for the appointment so I am not facing it alone and I am extremely grateful for that.  Say a little prayer.

September 2015

The month of September is coming to a close and what a month it turned out to be.  On the positive side, my outlook on life was re-energized due to someone special.  I got a new pair of glasses, look to the left.  <---  Also, all in all I have felt pretty good most of the month.  On the negative side, I've had the MRI that is next week hanging over my head the entire month.  As hard as I have tried, I haven't been able to completely block that from my mind.  The MRI is Tuesday of next week at the Duke Cancer Center and then the follow up appointment with my oncologist is Thursday.  So a week from now I should pretty much know what the whole plan is, or at the very least have all the information to make a final decision.  Nervous, a little.  Anxious, a lot.

September also brought one of the worst colds I've had in a long time.  I was completely without my voice for 2 days and very raspy (as the cold came and went) for another 10 days.  It's only been the last 3 days or so that I've sounded like myself.  I'll let you decide whether sounding like myself is a good thing or a bad thing.  The tinnitus has remained a problem.  Once I have a decision made with regard to the cancer, then I can move my focus to the ringing.  Getting old and being sick sucks!

A positive note on September has also been the fact that I have gotten back to the gym.  I tried my old schedule but it just doesn't seem to fit me as well so I've been "playing" with alternative ones.  The last couple of weeks it has been a combination of lunchtime workouts and evening workouts.  That has worked, but isn't ideal.  Therefore I'm going to try a morning schedule.  If I can get up 15 minutes earlier just 3 days a week, I can get to the Y, have a full hour workout, and still have time to shower, change and be at the office on time.  That way I actually get a lunch AND I can have FREE time of an evening after work.  The only thing I would really be giving up is sitting and watching TV for an hour before work.  I can live with that....or I think I can.  So, tomorrow I will start my "new"est routine and see how it works.  Then next week I should be able to put it into complete practice.  Monday: YMCA  Tuesday: MRI  Wednesday: YMCA  Thursday: Oncologist  Friday: YMCA.  The following week, no doctors and extra sleep!  This is all in an effort to get rid of the poundage I have put on this summer and to get the waistline back to 2014 size!

To all the well wishers, thank you.  I'm in a good place and doing well.

Vacation Ramblings

Although I named this "Vacation Ramblings" it really has nothing to do with my vacation other than the vacation has given me lots of time for thinking and reminiscing.  The funny thing about reminiscing is that even though my life has been filled with lots and lots of incredibly wonderful times, it's the not so incredible ones that always seem to spring to the forefront of my brain.  I guess some would say that it's just my pessimistic outlook on life.  While that might be true as I don't argue with my somewhat dour perspective, I have had plenty of time as of late to contemplate so many things.

I know some may say it's because of my cancer diagnosis, however that would be incorrect.  While that is in my thought process, it's not the center.  I do think about it, but what I think about more are the other health issues that are going on with me.  The ones that aren't life threatening, but yet, are felt every hour of every day.  Those issues spend more time in my brain than the cancer.  But even more than my health, it's the memories that fill the vast emptiness that is my brain.  I was watching (actually just half listening) to a show on TV over the weekend and although my attention was on the game of Spider Solitaire that I was playing, all of a sudden I heard someone on TV say something to the effect of, "what is the point of life if you don't have something to look forward to?" (I'm paraphrasing).  Even though I wasn't paying attention to the show, it stopped me in my tracks.  The show continued, but I just sat there, thinking.  Now don't go getting alarmed or anything like that.  I'm not suicidal.  It just stuck with me and I started playing over my current life.  What do I have?  I have a job.  Although I like it, it's hardly a "reason to live".  I have a small family.  I love them, but I can't "live for them".  I have friends.  Again, I love them, but I don't see them all that often, so no reason there.  My life consists of sleeping, working and watching TV.  My former life consisted of so much more.  Yes, the center of that was Joe.  But he was a pretty darn good center.  He centered me.  He made me want to get up each day.  He made me happy.  Again, I know, you don't count on someone else for your happiness.  You make your own happiness.  That's what I did.  I made a life with and it was happy one.  That's where my focus needs to be.

So what do I do?  I can't pretend away the physical problems.  I can mask the aches/pains with medication, but then that's all I will do as I can't function very well.  So do I need to just suck it up and work through it?   Do I pretend that I'm fine being alone?  That's more sucking it up.   Or do I change everything?  That means lots of doctors visits.  The cancer?  I either radiate it, slam it with chemicals or cut it out.  At this point, any of the options are ok.  They don't scare me.  They don't worry me (much).  What worries me is all the other crap.  All the other aches, ringing and pains.  No one told me as a kid that just getting older brought all these aches & pains.  Arghhhhhhh

And then there is the real cruz of the matter.  The being alone.  If you hurt and there's someone there to rub your shoulders it helps.  If you're sad and there's someone there to put their arm around you, it helps.  If you're emotional and there is someone there to listen, it's awesome.  I can't "do" anything about the health woes other than make a decision based upon the doctors advice.  What I can "do" is follow my heart when it leads me to someone who is kind, gentle, funny, and loving.  Truly open myself up to the possibility.  I think I might have just done that.

Delayed MRI

A little stumble along the way to getting my MRI done.  After more discussion with Dr. Zhang and the urologist at Duke we have decided to delay the MRI by 4 weeks.  Not that there is a problem, however since the biopsies there has been blood in the prostate (a very typical response to the biopsy procedure - you can Google it, I did).  Because of the blood, the doctors were concerned that the MRI picture would not be clear.  No need to do an MRI if going into it they know there will be an issue.  Not to mention, insurance will NOT cover 2 MRI's in a short period of time and I don't want to add that expense.  (check pricing folks if you don't have an idea of what they cost)  Therefore, we have moved my scheduled MRI from August 24th to September 29th.  That should be plenty of time for the blood to be gone.  Just a minor glitch in the plan, but otherwise moving forward.  On the plus side, that that means that my cancelled vacation plans for the week of August 24th are now BACK ON!  WooHoo!!!!!!

I'm still feeling fine from all of this with the exception of this dang ringing in the ears from tinnitus.  That is more disconcerting at this point that the cancer.  At least with the cancer there are treatment options.  This ringing is just grin & bare it!  Oh well, we all have our trials and tribulations.  My shoulders are broad enough to carry it.

Thank you for all the words of support & encouragement.  Your well wishes are greatly appreciated.

Duke Cancer Center 1st Visit - Reboot

I had my appointment with Dr. Zhang at the Duke Cancer Center yesterday and it was very informative.  I got lots of information on treatment options, other than surgery and also made an appointment to have an MRI.  Reason, when my urologist did the physical exam, he noted there was a nodule on the right hand side of the prostate however, the biopsy that came back positive for cancer was on the left side.  This inconsistency needs to be clarified and the best way to do that is to get a better picture, literally, with an MRI.  Should there be something that shows up on the MRI that looks "sketchy", then we will have another biopsy but this time MRI guided in the area(s) in question.  Seem logical?  It did (does) to me.  Therefore in a couple of weeks I will have the MRI and then a follow up appointment with Dr. Zhang.  All in all, it was a very productive day.

The Duke Cancer Center hasn't changed much at all.  The systems & procedures still appear to be the same except for the little "due to HIPAA regulations" signs that make you stand back from the check in desk.  Didn't have those back in 2012.  Otherwise, same buzzers, same departments in same locations, same food court & cafe in same locations.  Spent the better part of the afternoon there and I didn't even go over to the hospital and have the chicken fingers!  Did I show restraint or what????

Right now the more pressing issue, at least with what is bothering me is the tinnitus.  It is driving me crazy.  If this ringing gets much louder I won't be able to hear myself think!  ARGH!!!

Thank you for the prayers, well wishes and comments of support.  They are much appreciated and I am so very grateful.

I got lucky

I heard from the new patient coordinator at Duke this morning at 8:40am.  I have a noon appointment with the oncologist, Dr. Zhang tomorrow (8/4/2015).  Obviously I am pleased as punch that I was able to get in so quickly.  I also spoke to my urologist this morning, Dr. Huang, so my records at Triangle Urology will be sent over to the Cancer Center so that Dr. Zhang can review.

Forward movement...that's what it's all about right now.

Thank you for the outpouring of well wishes, prayers and voices of support.

Peace-

Jeff

Prostatic Adenocarcinoma

And the beat goes on.  I was up until 2am researching…well sort of.  Basically I was reading and getting more and more anxious about the decisions I need to make.  However, I did finally make a request of my urologist to refer me to an oncologist at the Duke Cancer Center to at least get more information on alternatives other than surgery (that was at 1:30am).   Not that I’ve made a decision to pursue another option, but I do want to make sure I have explored all information I can get before the decision is made.  Of course, I’m sure I won’t hear anything from my urologist until the first of the week with regard to this, and even then it will probably be days, if not a couple of weeks before I could get in to see the oncologist.  Even so, it’s forward progress, at least in my mind.

At my appointment last Thursday, we went ahead and made a 3 month appointment for another PSA, DRE and possible ultrasound (automatically in the “active surveillance” mode), so any information I can ascertain prior to that would be a plus.  That isn’t to say that between now and then I won’t make the decision to go ahead and have the surgery, which is a real possibility.  I’ve talked to family and friends about the information I got from my urologist and the prevailing opinion is that I go ahead and have the surgery.  The thought of the surgery isn’t pleasant, however it’s not the actual surgery that has me hesitating, it’s the after effects of the surgery that give me pause.  Am I rambling?  I think I am.

Anywho, I am going to be in a holding pattern until I hear back from my urologist or Duke.  Maybe I’ll get lucky and this will be done quickly (because we all know I am a really lucky person….please note the tone of extreme sarcasm in that).  I’m scared, I’m anxious, I’m nervous, I’m spending way too much time in my own head!

Thank you for the outpouring of notes of concern, optimism, prayers and support.  It means so much and is very helpful knowing so many people are “in my corner”.

Peace-

Jeff

10:37am P.S. - and just like that, after maybe "overstepping" what is proper protocol, I will be hearing from a patient coordinator at Duke the first of the week.  Sometimes it pays to know someone there who is an awesome, awesome doctor and person!  Thank you Yousuf.

... and the answer is....

Yeppers.....it's positive, prostate cancer, Prostatic adenocarcinoma.  However, it appears to be early.  There are several "ratings" of the veracity of my cancer and so here they are:

Gleason grade: 6 (3+3)  That puts me at the "low risk" side of the scale.
TNM staging system: B1
Prostate Cancer Stage Groupings: T2, N0 M0, G2
Stage: II

Options:
Watchful Waiting- Monitored with periodic (3 mos) PSA & DRE, X-rays
Active Surveillance-Periodic PSA, DRE's but definitive therapy is instituted when pre-defined changes occur.
Surgery- Radical Prostatectomy (3 methods of same surgery: Retropubic, perineal or laparoscopic)
Brachytherapy (Interstitial seed placement) - percutaneous placement of radioactive seeds in the prostate
Cryotherapy- Liquid nitrogen or argon gas administered through probes in prostate
HIFU- High intensity focused ultrasound
Radiation therapy - usually used as a palliative treatment for pain caused by bone metastases.

The only "real" options to consider right now however are watchful waiting, active surveillance, surgery, or radiation.

And I have to make this decision.  We all know how good I am at making bad decisions!!!!
So those are the facts folks.

Prostate Biopsy (ies)

Ok.  It's been a few days since I had the biopsy.  First off, let me stop referring to it in the singular.  There were actually 12 biopsies taken.  Yep, 12.  Now, I didn't go into it with the thought that there would be ONE sample taken, however I didn't really think about that there would be separate samples taken.  I of course had Googled prostate biopsy and read about it and the whole experience was pretty much what I had read online.  However, reality is not the same as reading.  Without going into too many details, lets just say that between the 6 shots that preceded the biopsies and then the 12 samples that were taken, the whole experience was not pleasant.

However, I do have to say that Dr. Huang was very considerate and wonderful during the whole procedure.  He talked to me, constantly inquired about how I was doing and did everything he could to minimize the pain and trauma of the whole thing.   Thursday night was though one of the most painful nights I have ever spent. ....and Friday was not picnic either!  I even took a pillow with me to work...not that it helped much.  More psychological assistance than anything else.

Results will not be in until sometime this week.  What the steps are once we get the pathology results,  that remains to be seen.  Positive: surgery and/or oncology.  Negative: We didn't even discuss that.

Waiting...waiting...waiting...and we all know I am not a patient person!

ABR results in

At least today I got some good news...or at least I think it's good news.  The ENT called with the ABR results and they were normal.  So at least with the first test there is no indication of a brain tumor.  Not sure if the ENT will now want to have a brain MRI or what.  At least this test says nothing growing, but of course that doesn't stop the pain.  So even though I got a "normal", I'm still no closer to feeling better.

Another added negative this week: I haven't been able to take anything for pain, not even my allergy meds because I can't have any NSAIDS to reduce the bleeding risk heading into the biopsy tomorrow.  If I can just make it to 5pm tomorrow, hopefully the biopsy will be done and I can come home and chew on a whole bottle of Tylenol!

One down.

1 test down, just biopsy to go

I had the ABR (Auditory Brainstem Response) test on Monday.  However I won't know the results for several days.  The description that the ENT gave me when she told me about the test wasn't exactly accurate.  There were a few factors that she didn't tell me about.  1- the fact that these tiny ear buds would be crammed into my ears with a thunderous clicking sound that would drone on for 20 minutes.  2- the relax in a recliner actually was sit uncomfortably in an exam chair.  With my height, those things never fit right, especially the head rest which usually just comes up to the base of my skull.  3- she never mentioned that during the entire test I have to remain stone still.  But I made it through and now I wait.

The biopsy is Thursday afternoon.  I have to admit that I'm not sure if I'm more nervous or just freaked out.  Hard to tell the difference at this point.  I thought I had been handling all this quite well except for the whole lack of sleep thing until Sunday afternoon.  I let my emotions get a little out of control while watching a silly TV show where a character died.  Funny how something inconsequential can set you off. So I cried for a little while.  A little for me, a little for Joe, a little for Aimee.  Sort of spread it around some.

I find all this so strange.  In the weeks & months following Joe's death, I thought about what I would do if I were to get sick.  I was grieving so much, I wasn't sure that I would even want to seek treatment.  However, when you get sick and you're hurting, it's a different story.  I never really thought about the aspect of possibly hurting.  Sick, not hurting, no real ailments...maybe no treatment is an option and just pass along quietly.  However, sick and hurting...you want treatment.  Or at the very least, REALLY good pain meds!!  So I'll wait and see what the ENT recommends and I'll wait and see what the Urologist recommends.  But those that know me, know I am not a patient person and I most definitely am not a patient patient.

Pray for me.

2 For 1 Special?

Wow, it has been so long since I have posted anything on here.  I guess that is a comment on what has been going on with my life as of late.  Or at the very least, a comment on what has been going on with my life that I wanted to talk about.  I suppose however, it is time for me to start talking.  If for no other reason than to just get the crap running around in my head a chance to breathe.  My last post was a parting note about Relay for Life 2015.  That was May 30^th, now it’s July 7^th.  I didn’t check but I don’t think I’ve gone that long without a post since this site began in the fall of 2010.  Back then it was filled with updates on how Joe was doing, how I was doing, how it all “was going”.  We all know how that chapter ended and now I guess it is time to start a new one.  Sadly, the blog title can remain the same but with a twist.  However, nothing is “written in stone” yet, but I’m preparing psychologically.   I’ve had lingering gastrointestinal issues for the last 2 years and I figured if anything was really going on with me, that would be where the problem would lay.  But no, things had to get really interesting.  So here is where this 2 part story begins.

January 2015-  Tinnitus:  Somewhere in mid-January I started having severe ringing in my  right ear.  I spoke to my doctor and he suggested a decongestant nasal spray, which I took but to no effect.  For months I just “dealt” with it.  When I went to have my annual physical in early June, I mentioned it again, he again examined my ears, saw nothing and suggested that I see an ENT.  So being the good patient that I am (yeah, right), I called and made an appointment.  Went to the ENT, had a full exam including hearing test.  Result, I have a significant loss of hearing in my right ear, but still no apparent reason for the ringing and by that time, I was also having pain/pressure in my right ear.  The doctor put me on a course of prednisone for 10 days to see if that might reduce any inflammation that might be going on in my head and also recommended I have an ABR (Auditory Brainstem Response) test.  This test evaluates the electrical pathways from the brain to the ear measured with electrodes.  Reason for test, to see if there is possibly something growing on my brain that should not be there causing the pressure/pain/ringing.  Fun right?  I love it when the doctor says “brain tumor”.  The ABR is set for July 13^th.

Also at the same annual physical, I had my regular PSA and prostate exam. (too much info?)  My history with the PSA has been a rocky one with my first abnormal number back in June 2013.  We followed up with a 6 month re-evlauation and I got a lower number that time.  Since then, my PSA number has steadily increased and this year, it was well over the acceptable limit and my doctor referred me to a urologist.  Today, I had my appointment with the urologist.  Another PSA, another prostrate exam.  However, the urologist indicated that during the physical exam there was a definite hardening/mass on the right side of the prostate.  So then we had the prostate cancer talk, followed by the biopsy talk, followed by the MRI talk, followed by the decision to go ahead and schedule the biopsy.  So that is scheduled for next Thursday, July 16^th.  He clearly outlined what the procedure is like, what I can expect, and what my options are.  Of course I Googled it immediately upon getting to work afterwards.  While it by no means sounds like a jolly good time, it doesn’t sound terrible either.  20 minutes of discomfort, 5 minutes of a little pain, and then it is over.  Of course, I’ll probably feel differently about it the closer it gets.

So there you have it.  2 different areas of my body, 2 different possibilities of something there that isn’t supposed to be.  What are the odds?  I suppose in this day and time, the odds are probably very good, but still.  So I wonder if the Duke Cancer Center has a 2 for 1 special?

RFL 2015

$2574.63

One Week and Counting

Can it really just be a little more than a week until Relay for Life?  How did time go by so quickly?  I’m within reach of my goal, but just not quite there yet and still need your help.  If a donation is not feasible, please consider coming out and walking a few laps.  The event is from 6:30pm on May 29th until 8:00am on Saturday May 30th at Leesville Road High School, Raleigh NC.  We walk, we talk, we laugh, we play games.  We also cry and remember.  

The luminaria ceremony is at 10 p.m.  The lights will be turned out, the luminaries will be lit and we walk a lap in silence, remembering and honoring those that are no longer with us.  If you have lost someone, consider purchasing a luminary for $10 and having their name put on it.  If you tell me whose name you put on it, I will look for it, take a photo and send to you.  At the end of the night, if you would like to have the bag with your loved ones name on it, I will be happy to pick it up and bring it to you later.

Relay for Life funds research.  Research produces new effective treatments.  Given time for more research, advancements in treatment can happen.  But that time costs money.  Money that is raised through Relay for Life.   Study it, treat it, beat it.  Please help me help others that are hoping, praying and waiting for viable new treatment options.

Please use the link below to make a donation online using a credit card, or use the same link to print a check submission form and mail along with your check.  Remember to make the check payable to the American Cancer Society.  All donations are 100% tax deductible.  All donations are needed.

“We walk all night because cancer never sleeps”

Thank you for your consideration and support.

Jeff

DONATE TO RELAY FOR LIFE

2 1/2 WEEKS TO RELAY FOR LIFE

Just 2 1/2 weeks from now is my Relay For Life event.  Eeeeeek!  I am SO behind!!!!!!   HELP!!!  But I have faith, and friends and it can happen. 

As I’ve said in the past, my reasons for participating are well documented and I don’t think anyone wants to hear the rundown again.  The short version, cancer.  Regardless of what kind, can be devastating to individuals and families.  Ask someone if they ever had a family member or close friend who had been treated for cancer.  100% of them would say yes.  For me, it was both my partner and my mother.  Both died of cancer.   I’m just one of millions.

Relay for Life funds research.  Research produces new effective treatments.  Given time for more research, the advancements in treatment can happen.  But that time costs money.  Money that is raised through Relay for Life.   Study it, treat it, beat it.  Please help me help others that are hoping, praying and waiting for viable new treatment options.

From 6:30 pm on Friday May 29th until 8 am on Saturday May 30th, I will be at Raleigh Relay for Life on the football field at Leesville Road High school, walking.  Help me by making a donation.   If that is not feasible, come out and walk a few laps.  The atmosphere is one of Hope.  It is both uplifting and sobering.  The link to donate online is below my name.  If you would prefer to write a check, use the same link to print a donation sheet and mail in with your check.  Please remember to make your check payable to The American Cancer Society. 100% of your donation is tax deductible.

“I walk all night because cancer never sleeps” 

Thank you.

Jeff

 

LINK TO DONATE TO RELAY FOR LIFE

RELAY FOR LIFE 2015

Ok folks.  And now it really begins.  Just 3 1/2 weeks from now is my Relay For Life event.  In years past, I have been much farther along with my fundraising efforts.  But in years past, I haven’t had the turmoil that this April brought.  April was a tough month in my family, but it is time for me to put my focus back on Relay and see it through to the event on May 29-30th.

My reasons for participating are well documented and I don’t think anyone wants to hear the rundown again.  I will however do the full story if someone so chooses to listen.  The short version, cancer.  Regardless of what kind, is a scourge on humankind.  If you asked every person you came into contact with, if they ever had a family member or close friend who had been treated for cancer, I would almost guarantee that 100% of them would say yes.  For me, it was my partner and my mother.  Both died of cancer.  For me, it’s 3 friends, 2 who successfully battled the disease and have won, one who did not.  I’m not unique.  I’m just one of millions.

In Joe’s case, after diagnosis, he was in treatment for 2 1/2 years before pancreatic cancer took his life.  However, for that particular cancer, 2 1/2 years is extraordinary.  How did he beat the odds for so long? Because research has produced treatments that are more effective.  His oncology team was the best that Duke offered.  But even they could not perform a miracle.  But given time for more research, the advancements in treatment can happen.  But that time costs money.  Money that is raised through Relay for Life goes toward the necessary research to advance treatment.  Study it, treat it, beat it.  

Each of us most likely has personal stories where cancer has touched our lives.   Please help me help others that are hoping, praying and waiting for viable new treatment options.

From 6:30 pm on Friday May 29th until 8 am on Saturday May 30th, I will be at Raleigh Relay for Life on the football field at Leesville Road High school, walking.  Help me by making a donation.   If that is not feasible, come out and walk a few laps.  The atmosphere is one of Hope.  It is both uplifting and sobering.  The link to donate online is below my name.  If you would prefer to write a check, use the same link to print a donation sheet and mail in with your check.  Please remember to make your check payable to The American Cancer Society. 100% of your donation is tax deductible.

“I walk all night because cancer never sleeps” 

Thank you.

Jeff

RELAY FOR LIFE DONATION

So here I am

     One day after having a funeral for Aimee and I'm still numb and can't believe this has happened.  That little girl that I held from day one of her life; that little girl that I spoiled rotten; that little girl that I took to get her ears pierced against my sisters wishes (and SO many other things); that little girl, my little girl.  Gone.

     The service was beautiful and the funeral home was filled to standing room only and a large overflow crowd in the lobby.  She had so many friends and was loved by so many.  Wayne was able to come and I am so glad.  He needed to be there to say goodbye to his sister.  I spoke at the service and tried to do my best to make her proud.  Although that was never hard to do.  She loved me so and was always so proud of even the smallest of my accomplishments.  She was my biggest fan.  My whole life it's been Uncle Jeffrey this and Uncle Jeffrey that.

     Even though it has been a week, I can't imagine tomorrow without her, let alone the weeks, months & years to come.   I hope Joe has found her and has welcomed her into his arms.  I'm sure he has a million questions and knowing how Aimee could talk, she will have a million answers.  Hold onto each other, Joe & Aimee.  Create new memories that you can share with me when I get up there to see you.

Another Loss I Never Imagined

I was awakened this morning at 2:41 a.m. when my sister called my cell repeatedly trying to reach me.  I had fallen asleep with the TV on and the volume was masking the ringing, but eventually it did wake me up and I answered.  The news was something I had never really imagined.  Aimee was gone.  That little girl that was the light of my life for most of my teen years & twenties, was no longer here.  I will not go into details of her death on here due to privacy for my family, but we are shocked, overwhelmed, confused and incredibly sad.  My sister & brother in law, Aimee's brother Wayne, along with Aimee's daughter, Sara, are in desperate need of prayers and loving thoughts.  This is going to be the roughest thing any of them have ever gone through.  I don't really know how to help them as I am feeling as if my already shaky foundation has crumbled and caved.  That may sound melodramatic but I don't know how else to describe it.  Things that I thought I would never experience seem to just be happening.  If anyone had said to me just 5 years ago that both Joe and Aimee would be gone, I would not, could not have believed them.  But here I sit.  Typing on this random blog of mine.  Bleary eyed from crying all day and having no sleep.  Exhausted but unable to find the strength to will myself to go lay down.  The mind tricks that I have employed over the last 5 years to occupy my brain when I go to bed seem inadequate tonight.  Aimee's death has sent me right back to 2013, and then even more.

I have the text message from her from yesterday at 1:37 p.m. wishing me a Happy Birthday and saying I was the best Uncle in the world and telling me she loved me.  I thanked her and said I Love You.  I am so glad I did.   Regardless of anything else that may have been going on, I hope and pray that she understood just how much I loved her.

I miss you my little girl.  You will always be my first niece, the one that danced to Madonna with me, ate really hot salsa with me, loved me no matter what.  No judgements.  Your pain in all it's forms is over.  No more surgeries, no more fears.  Rest.

                             ***************************************************

Joe- Aimee is there with you know.  Give her grief like you always did because deep down she really liked that and she loved you with all her heart.  Look over her, take care of her.

And then it was April

March just went by pretty darn quick didn't it?  Well, it did for me anyway.  Work, work, work...and a cold, cold, cold.  My days were in the office, my evenings were on the couch and in bed.  I did manage however, to go to the gym a minimum of 3 times per week every week but one.  The one week when my cold was the worst, I just couldn't get myself there.  I didn't need to be spreading germs in excess anyway.

But that is not the purpose of this post.  Mind you, I'm going to complain, but not about being sick.
Today's topic is having to avoid television shows & movies that I would have previously enjoyed.  Why do I avoid, because of either subject matter or just language.  It's not that the subject matter is offensive or the language is offensive.  The subject matter and the language is not adult in nature.  The subject matter and the language is not interesting.  The problem is, the subject matter and language is personal.  I'm sure that sentence is vague and no one has any idea what I'm talking about.
Some TV shows I've pretty much given up on all together.  A prime example is Greys Anatomy.  Granted, it isn't the show that it was 5 years ago, but it still has some quality plot lines, characters, and is well acted.  The only problem is that in practically every episode there is a cancer patient, or a dying patient.  Why is that a problem, well it inevitably puts my head and mind where it doesn't need to be.  Back in the moment.   This isn't limited to medical dramas either.  Very innocuous things that would normally not even be noticed by other people, set off things in my brain.  Example:  This week's episode of "Scandal".  One of the plot lines was a murder that had happened 15 years earlier.  The wife of the deceased had just died, and Olivia is hired to prove that the wife was the one that murdered her husband and not the man that was found guilty and has been in prison awaiting a death sentence.  The scene is Olivia talking to Huck and she says, "Mrs. whatever died yesterday very suddenly from pancreatic cancer"... - and there went my head, back to the moment.  A perfectly good, entertaining episode of Scandal, ruined for me.  I continued watching, cancer wasn't mentioned again, but my brain stayed in the thought.  But it doesn't have to be so specific to pancreatic cancer, or even cancer at all.  I was watching the movie "We Are Marshall" recently.  I have seen the movie several times.  I know it's sad.  I knew when I started watching, that it deals with the death of so many people.  I was prepared.  When the plane crashes, it's a moment, but it was ok.  What got me, made me change the channel was the one happy moment.  The assistant coach that was supposed to be on the plane, but switched with another coach to drive to make a recruiting visit with a high school player at the last minute, drives up to his house in the pouring rain and his wife comes running out, seeing her husband alive when she thought he was dead.  The reaction, the expression on her face and the emotion exhibited.  Her husband was alive after all.  That moment got me as my mind went to, why isn't Joe's death a mistake?  Why couldn't I walk outside to see him standing there and feel that relief?  Silly I know.  So I changed the channel.

I rarely go to movies unless I have fully researched the plot.  IMDB and Wikipedia have become my new best friends to research and make sure someone doesn't die of cancer in the middle of things. Or if someone looses a spouse.  Or if someone makes a reference to a loved one dying.  It's hard to be spontaneous about entertainment these days.  Always on guard.   To be honest, it's practically impossible.  So I avoid.

Of course this is Relay for Life season, so my brain for the next two months is fully ensconced in cancer.  I'm a bit slower this year in my fundraising.  Not because it isn't still as important as it always has been, but I'm trying to not obsess as much as I have in the past.  I will still send out requests, I will still attend fundraising events (I am really looking forward to "Home Brew for Life") and I will of course be in attendance for the entire event on May 29-30th.  I owe that to Joe, to myself, and to so many others.  If you would like to make a donation to support my efforts, the link to the American Cancer Society Relay for Life site is here:
                         DONATE TO JEFF'S RELAY FOR LIFE EFFORT HERE

Ok.  I've rambled enough for a Good Friday morning.  Time to bathe, get ready for Stations of the Cross at PGUMC and then dinner with the boys.  Have a wonderful Easter weekend folks.  It's a 3 day weekend. WooHoo!!!!!

... and then things mellow out,

... a little.  But not enough to say I quit.
Wow.  The last 4 weeks have been ones for the record books.  Between the weather (snow, ice, and general nastiness) and my boss at work being first out of the country for 10 days and then a week later at a conference for 5 days, I'm pooped.  Couple that with an increase in gastrointestinal issues and I've not been in the best place physically and mentally.  But, I am doing one thing right.  I'm back at the Y a minimum of 3 times a week so at least I'm not sitting on my butt (ever widening butt) all the time.  The proximity of the YMCA in Raleigh to my office is just too good to pass up.  I can be there in less than 5 minutes after leaving work, so I couldn't rationalize not going any longer.  But geez, I don't remember it being this difficult the first time.  I'm sure I'll get back to where I was though.  Rome wasn't built in a day and after not doing much of anything for nearly 10 months, I can't expect to be able to do my previous hour of cardio with a snap of a finger.  I am back up to 50 minutes though.  My plan is to hang at that level for a couple of weeks and then shoot for the full hour.  No reason to pass out at the Y.  That would be embarrassing.

Today, Saturday, will be a slow one.  Yesterday I started coming down with a cold again, and this morning I am very congested with a head cold.  So today will be a couch day with some laundry thrown in.   I need to change the bed linens and maybe mop a floor or two...but only maybe.  That seems a little labor intensive.

Need coffee

WTF?

There comes a time when you just have to say,....

WTF?

...and then just decide that it isn't worth the hassle, the headache, the work, the hurt and give up.

 

What a week....

What a week.  Ice, snow, sub zero temperatures and my boss on vacation.  As I close in on a full month in my new position, I hesitate to say that I actually know what I'm doing.  While I'm not in panic mode all day, I'm not fully comfortable in the new role just yet.  What I can say is that it is busy, busy, busy...and we are still in the slow time of the year.  Hopefully I will be in full comfortable mode by the time we are in the heart of spring market.

Upcoming: Relocation training for all team members; 2 members of the Relocation Department will be off to Palm Springs for conference; CBA annual awards conference (in Fayetteville of all places); Jury duty; colonoscopy - and all that before mid April.

Add to that the decision I've made to start dating again and spring could be very interesting.  Oh yeah, you heard right, dating.  No real prospects on the horizon but if the opportunity presents itself, I think it's time I give it consideration.  Don't you?

It Really Is Official This Time

After 2 delays it is now official...well at least the announcement will be on Tuesday.  I am the new Corporate Relocation Manage for Coldwell Banker Advantage.  Corporately relocating buyers and sellers that come through the Coldwell Banker Relocation Department will now be my responsibility. I am headquartered at our Raleigh Corporate office and cover all our offices in the Triangle, Lake Gaston, Goldsboro, Clarksville, VA, Fayetteville & Southern Pines.  That's a wide swath of NC folks!  I've been working 1 day a week in Relocation since December and then once January came around, twice a week.  Originally I was told my start date would be 1/5/2015, but then it was moved to 1/15/15 and now 1/27/15.  However those are just the announcement dates.  I've being doing the job full time since 1/16.  Since I was replacing someone, they needed to wait until that was all settled.  The agents in my former office (Chapel Hill) do not know but will find out on Tuesday the 27th at our  scheduled business meeting.  The owner of the company will be on hand for the announcement and he's asked me to come into the Chapel Hill office to say goodbye.  It will be a bittersweet moment I'm sure.  The folks there have been a huge part of my life for nearly 9 years.  They've seen me through ups and downs including all of Joe's cancer treatments and then the aftermath of his passing.

I know I will miss them, but this is an extremely good opportunity for me and at my age, a chance for advancement can't be passed up.  It of course also means that I will be working in Raleigh full time and so the extended plan that I've had for the past couple of years to maybe move over to the Raleigh area seems much more likely.  I don't imagine I will do anything this Spring as I'm not sure I can't take a job change and a house change all at one time.  I have quite the learning curve to adjust to with the job and just with one week under my belt, I can tell it can be very stressful at times.  I don't need to compound that just yet.  At least not unless the perfect condo/townhouse appears in the perfect area in Raleigh!  This piece has fallen into place so with just a little more luck, maybe the housing piece will work out too.  Lord knows I'm due for a change in fortune, a change in my life, A CHANGE!

I am really excited about all of this and I hope those of you still reading this will be happy for me.  Hey, I'm writing about good news.  How long has it been since I've done that?  Have I ever done that?

I hope everyone is off to a wonderful 2015.  Mine is looking up!

"And suddenly you know: It's time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings." 
                                                                                                                                    - Meister Eckhart

Happy New Year