Delayed MRI

A little stumble along the way to getting my MRI done.  After more discussion with Dr. Zhang and the urologist at Duke we have decided to delay the MRI by 4 weeks.  Not that there is a problem, however since the biopsies there has been blood in the prostate (a very typical response to the biopsy procedure - you can Google it, I did).  Because of the blood, the doctors were concerned that the MRI picture would not be clear.  No need to do an MRI if going into it they know there will be an issue.  Not to mention, insurance will NOT cover 2 MRI's in a short period of time and I don't want to add that expense.  (check pricing folks if you don't have an idea of what they cost)  Therefore, we have moved my scheduled MRI from August 24th to September 29th.  That should be plenty of time for the blood to be gone.  Just a minor glitch in the plan, but otherwise moving forward.  On the plus side, that that means that my cancelled vacation plans for the week of August 24th are now BACK ON!  WooHoo!!!!!!

I'm still feeling fine from all of this with the exception of this dang ringing in the ears from tinnitus.  That is more disconcerting at this point that the cancer.  At least with the cancer there are treatment options.  This ringing is just grin & bare it!  Oh well, we all have our trials and tribulations.  My shoulders are broad enough to carry it.

Thank you for all the words of support & encouragement.  Your well wishes are greatly appreciated.

Prostate Biopsy (ies)

Ok.  It's been a few days since I had the biopsy.  First off, let me stop referring to it in the singular.  There were actually 12 biopsies taken.  Yep, 12.  Now, I didn't go into it with the thought that there would be ONE sample taken, however I didn't really think about that there would be separate samples taken.  I of course had Googled prostate biopsy and read about it and the whole experience was pretty much what I had read online.  However, reality is not the same as reading.  Without going into too many details, lets just say that between the 6 shots that preceded the biopsies and then the 12 samples that were taken, the whole experience was not pleasant.

However, I do have to say that Dr. Huang was very considerate and wonderful during the whole procedure.  He talked to me, constantly inquired about how I was doing and did everything he could to minimize the pain and trauma of the whole thing.   Thursday night was though one of the most painful nights I have ever spent. ....and Friday was not picnic either!  I even took a pillow with me to work...not that it helped much.  More psychological assistance than anything else.

Results will not be in until sometime this week.  What the steps are once we get the pathology results,  that remains to be seen.  Positive: surgery and/or oncology.  Negative: We didn't even discuss that.

Waiting...waiting...waiting...and we all know I am not a patient person!

ABR results in

At least today I got some good news...or at least I think it's good news.  The ENT called with the ABR results and they were normal.  So at least with the first test there is no indication of a brain tumor.  Not sure if the ENT will now want to have a brain MRI or what.  At least this test says nothing growing, but of course that doesn't stop the pain.  So even though I got a "normal", I'm still no closer to feeling better.

Another added negative this week: I haven't been able to take anything for pain, not even my allergy meds because I can't have any NSAIDS to reduce the bleeding risk heading into the biopsy tomorrow.  If I can just make it to 5pm tomorrow, hopefully the biopsy will be done and I can come home and chew on a whole bottle of Tylenol!

One down.

1 test down, just biopsy to go

I had the ABR (Auditory Brainstem Response) test on Monday.  However I won't know the results for several days.  The description that the ENT gave me when she told me about the test wasn't exactly accurate.  There were a few factors that she didn't tell me about.  1- the fact that these tiny ear buds would be crammed into my ears with a thunderous clicking sound that would drone on for 20 minutes.  2- the relax in a recliner actually was sit uncomfortably in an exam chair.  With my height, those things never fit right, especially the head rest which usually just comes up to the base of my skull.  3- she never mentioned that during the entire test I have to remain stone still.  But I made it through and now I wait.

The biopsy is Thursday afternoon.  I have to admit that I'm not sure if I'm more nervous or just freaked out.  Hard to tell the difference at this point.  I thought I had been handling all this quite well except for the whole lack of sleep thing until Sunday afternoon.  I let my emotions get a little out of control while watching a silly TV show where a character died.  Funny how something inconsequential can set you off. So I cried for a little while.  A little for me, a little for Joe, a little for Aimee.  Sort of spread it around some.

I find all this so strange.  In the weeks & months following Joe's death, I thought about what I would do if I were to get sick.  I was grieving so much, I wasn't sure that I would even want to seek treatment.  However, when you get sick and you're hurting, it's a different story.  I never really thought about the aspect of possibly hurting.  Sick, not hurting, no real ailments...maybe no treatment is an option and just pass along quietly.  However, sick and hurting...you want treatment.  Or at the very least, REALLY good pain meds!!  So I'll wait and see what the ENT recommends and I'll wait and see what the Urologist recommends.  But those that know me, know I am not a patient person and I most definitely am not a patient patient.

Pray for me.

2 For 1 Special?

Wow, it has been so long since I have posted anything on here.  I guess that is a comment on what has been going on with my life as of late.  Or at the very least, a comment on what has been going on with my life that I wanted to talk about.  I suppose however, it is time for me to start talking.  If for no other reason than to just get the crap running around in my head a chance to breathe.  My last post was a parting note about Relay for Life 2015.  That was May 30^th, now it’s July 7^th.  I didn’t check but I don’t think I’ve gone that long without a post since this site began in the fall of 2010.  Back then it was filled with updates on how Joe was doing, how I was doing, how it all “was going”.  We all know how that chapter ended and now I guess it is time to start a new one.  Sadly, the blog title can remain the same but with a twist.  However, nothing is “written in stone” yet, but I’m preparing psychologically.   I’ve had lingering gastrointestinal issues for the last 2 years and I figured if anything was really going on with me, that would be where the problem would lay.  But no, things had to get really interesting.  So here is where this 2 part story begins.

January 2015-  Tinnitus:  Somewhere in mid-January I started having severe ringing in my  right ear.  I spoke to my doctor and he suggested a decongestant nasal spray, which I took but to no effect.  For months I just “dealt” with it.  When I went to have my annual physical in early June, I mentioned it again, he again examined my ears, saw nothing and suggested that I see an ENT.  So being the good patient that I am (yeah, right), I called and made an appointment.  Went to the ENT, had a full exam including hearing test.  Result, I have a significant loss of hearing in my right ear, but still no apparent reason for the ringing and by that time, I was also having pain/pressure in my right ear.  The doctor put me on a course of prednisone for 10 days to see if that might reduce any inflammation that might be going on in my head and also recommended I have an ABR (Auditory Brainstem Response) test.  This test evaluates the electrical pathways from the brain to the ear measured with electrodes.  Reason for test, to see if there is possibly something growing on my brain that should not be there causing the pressure/pain/ringing.  Fun right?  I love it when the doctor says “brain tumor”.  The ABR is set for July 13^th.

Also at the same annual physical, I had my regular PSA and prostate exam. (too much info?)  My history with the PSA has been a rocky one with my first abnormal number back in June 2013.  We followed up with a 6 month re-evlauation and I got a lower number that time.  Since then, my PSA number has steadily increased and this year, it was well over the acceptable limit and my doctor referred me to a urologist.  Today, I had my appointment with the urologist.  Another PSA, another prostrate exam.  However, the urologist indicated that during the physical exam there was a definite hardening/mass on the right side of the prostate.  So then we had the prostate cancer talk, followed by the biopsy talk, followed by the MRI talk, followed by the decision to go ahead and schedule the biopsy.  So that is scheduled for next Thursday, July 16^th.  He clearly outlined what the procedure is like, what I can expect, and what my options are.  Of course I Googled it immediately upon getting to work afterwards.  While it by no means sounds like a jolly good time, it doesn’t sound terrible either.  20 minutes of discomfort, 5 minutes of a little pain, and then it is over.  Of course, I’ll probably feel differently about it the closer it gets.

So there you have it.  2 different areas of my body, 2 different possibilities of something there that isn’t supposed to be.  What are the odds?  I suppose in this day and time, the odds are probably very good, but still.  So I wonder if the Duke Cancer Center has a 2 for 1 special?

RFL 2015

$2574.63

One Week and Counting

Can it really just be a little more than a week until Relay for Life?  How did time go by so quickly?  I’m within reach of my goal, but just not quite there yet and still need your help.  If a donation is not feasible, please consider coming out and walking a few laps.  The event is from 6:30pm on May 29th until 8:00am on Saturday May 30th at Leesville Road High School, Raleigh NC.  We walk, we talk, we laugh, we play games.  We also cry and remember.  

The luminaria ceremony is at 10 p.m.  The lights will be turned out, the luminaries will be lit and we walk a lap in silence, remembering and honoring those that are no longer with us.  If you have lost someone, consider purchasing a luminary for $10 and having their name put on it.  If you tell me whose name you put on it, I will look for it, take a photo and send to you.  At the end of the night, if you would like to have the bag with your loved ones name on it, I will be happy to pick it up and bring it to you later.

Relay for Life funds research.  Research produces new effective treatments.  Given time for more research, advancements in treatment can happen.  But that time costs money.  Money that is raised through Relay for Life.   Study it, treat it, beat it.  Please help me help others that are hoping, praying and waiting for viable new treatment options.

Please use the link below to make a donation online using a credit card, or use the same link to print a check submission form and mail along with your check.  Remember to make the check payable to the American Cancer Society.  All donations are 100% tax deductible.  All donations are needed.

“We walk all night because cancer never sleeps”

Thank you for your consideration and support.

Jeff

DONATE TO RELAY FOR LIFE

2 1/2 WEEKS TO RELAY FOR LIFE

Just 2 1/2 weeks from now is my Relay For Life event.  Eeeeeek!  I am SO behind!!!!!!   HELP!!!  But I have faith, and friends and it can happen. 

As I’ve said in the past, my reasons for participating are well documented and I don’t think anyone wants to hear the rundown again.  The short version, cancer.  Regardless of what kind, can be devastating to individuals and families.  Ask someone if they ever had a family member or close friend who had been treated for cancer.  100% of them would say yes.  For me, it was both my partner and my mother.  Both died of cancer.   I’m just one of millions.

Relay for Life funds research.  Research produces new effective treatments.  Given time for more research, the advancements in treatment can happen.  But that time costs money.  Money that is raised through Relay for Life.   Study it, treat it, beat it.  Please help me help others that are hoping, praying and waiting for viable new treatment options.

From 6:30 pm on Friday May 29th until 8 am on Saturday May 30th, I will be at Raleigh Relay for Life on the football field at Leesville Road High school, walking.  Help me by making a donation.   If that is not feasible, come out and walk a few laps.  The atmosphere is one of Hope.  It is both uplifting and sobering.  The link to donate online is below my name.  If you would prefer to write a check, use the same link to print a donation sheet and mail in with your check.  Please remember to make your check payable to The American Cancer Society. 100% of your donation is tax deductible.

“I walk all night because cancer never sleeps” 

Thank you.

Jeff

 

LINK TO DONATE TO RELAY FOR LIFE

RELAY FOR LIFE 2015

Ok folks.  And now it really begins.  Just 3 1/2 weeks from now is my Relay For Life event.  In years past, I have been much farther along with my fundraising efforts.  But in years past, I haven’t had the turmoil that this April brought.  April was a tough month in my family, but it is time for me to put my focus back on Relay and see it through to the event on May 29-30th.

My reasons for participating are well documented and I don’t think anyone wants to hear the rundown again.  I will however do the full story if someone so chooses to listen.  The short version, cancer.  Regardless of what kind, is a scourge on humankind.  If you asked every person you came into contact with, if they ever had a family member or close friend who had been treated for cancer, I would almost guarantee that 100% of them would say yes.  For me, it was my partner and my mother.  Both died of cancer.  For me, it’s 3 friends, 2 who successfully battled the disease and have won, one who did not.  I’m not unique.  I’m just one of millions.

In Joe’s case, after diagnosis, he was in treatment for 2 1/2 years before pancreatic cancer took his life.  However, for that particular cancer, 2 1/2 years is extraordinary.  How did he beat the odds for so long? Because research has produced treatments that are more effective.  His oncology team was the best that Duke offered.  But even they could not perform a miracle.  But given time for more research, the advancements in treatment can happen.  But that time costs money.  Money that is raised through Relay for Life goes toward the necessary research to advance treatment.  Study it, treat it, beat it.  

Each of us most likely has personal stories where cancer has touched our lives.   Please help me help others that are hoping, praying and waiting for viable new treatment options.

From 6:30 pm on Friday May 29th until 8 am on Saturday May 30th, I will be at Raleigh Relay for Life on the football field at Leesville Road High school, walking.  Help me by making a donation.   If that is not feasible, come out and walk a few laps.  The atmosphere is one of Hope.  It is both uplifting and sobering.  The link to donate online is below my name.  If you would prefer to write a check, use the same link to print a donation sheet and mail in with your check.  Please remember to make your check payable to The American Cancer Society. 100% of your donation is tax deductible.

“I walk all night because cancer never sleeps” 

Thank you.

Jeff

RELAY FOR LIFE DONATION

So here I am

     One day after having a funeral for Aimee and I'm still numb and can't believe this has happened.  That little girl that I held from day one of her life; that little girl that I spoiled rotten; that little girl that I took to get her ears pierced against my sisters wishes (and SO many other things); that little girl, my little girl.  Gone.

     The service was beautiful and the funeral home was filled to standing room only and a large overflow crowd in the lobby.  She had so many friends and was loved by so many.  Wayne was able to come and I am so glad.  He needed to be there to say goodbye to his sister.  I spoke at the service and tried to do my best to make her proud.  Although that was never hard to do.  She loved me so and was always so proud of even the smallest of my accomplishments.  She was my biggest fan.  My whole life it's been Uncle Jeffrey this and Uncle Jeffrey that.

     Even though it has been a week, I can't imagine tomorrow without her, let alone the weeks, months & years to come.   I hope Joe has found her and has welcomed her into his arms.  I'm sure he has a million questions and knowing how Aimee could talk, she will have a million answers.  Hold onto each other, Joe & Aimee.  Create new memories that you can share with me when I get up there to see you.

Another Loss I Never Imagined

I was awakened this morning at 2:41 a.m. when my sister called my cell repeatedly trying to reach me.  I had fallen asleep with the TV on and the volume was masking the ringing, but eventually it did wake me up and I answered.  The news was something I had never really imagined.  Aimee was gone.  That little girl that was the light of my life for most of my teen years & twenties, was no longer here.  I will not go into details of her death on here due to privacy for my family, but we are shocked, overwhelmed, confused and incredibly sad.  My sister & brother in law, Aimee's brother Wayne, along with Aimee's daughter, Sara, are in desperate need of prayers and loving thoughts.  This is going to be the roughest thing any of them have ever gone through.  I don't really know how to help them as I am feeling as if my already shaky foundation has crumbled and caved.  That may sound melodramatic but I don't know how else to describe it.  Things that I thought I would never experience seem to just be happening.  If anyone had said to me just 5 years ago that both Joe and Aimee would be gone, I would not, could not have believed them.  But here I sit.  Typing on this random blog of mine.  Bleary eyed from crying all day and having no sleep.  Exhausted but unable to find the strength to will myself to go lay down.  The mind tricks that I have employed over the last 5 years to occupy my brain when I go to bed seem inadequate tonight.  Aimee's death has sent me right back to 2013, and then even more.

I have the text message from her from yesterday at 1:37 p.m. wishing me a Happy Birthday and saying I was the best Uncle in the world and telling me she loved me.  I thanked her and said I Love You.  I am so glad I did.   Regardless of anything else that may have been going on, I hope and pray that she understood just how much I loved her.

I miss you my little girl.  You will always be my first niece, the one that danced to Madonna with me, ate really hot salsa with me, loved me no matter what.  No judgements.  Your pain in all it's forms is over.  No more surgeries, no more fears.  Rest.

                             ***************************************************

Joe- Aimee is there with you know.  Give her grief like you always did because deep down she really liked that and she loved you with all her heart.  Look over her, take care of her.

And then it was April

March just went by pretty darn quick didn't it?  Well, it did for me anyway.  Work, work, work...and a cold, cold, cold.  My days were in the office, my evenings were on the couch and in bed.  I did manage however, to go to the gym a minimum of 3 times per week every week but one.  The one week when my cold was the worst, I just couldn't get myself there.  I didn't need to be spreading germs in excess anyway.

But that is not the purpose of this post.  Mind you, I'm going to complain, but not about being sick.
Today's topic is having to avoid television shows & movies that I would have previously enjoyed.  Why do I avoid, because of either subject matter or just language.  It's not that the subject matter is offensive or the language is offensive.  The subject matter and the language is not adult in nature.  The subject matter and the language is not interesting.  The problem is, the subject matter and language is personal.  I'm sure that sentence is vague and no one has any idea what I'm talking about.
Some TV shows I've pretty much given up on all together.  A prime example is Greys Anatomy.  Granted, it isn't the show that it was 5 years ago, but it still has some quality plot lines, characters, and is well acted.  The only problem is that in practically every episode there is a cancer patient, or a dying patient.  Why is that a problem, well it inevitably puts my head and mind where it doesn't need to be.  Back in the moment.   This isn't limited to medical dramas either.  Very innocuous things that would normally not even be noticed by other people, set off things in my brain.  Example:  This week's episode of "Scandal".  One of the plot lines was a murder that had happened 15 years earlier.  The wife of the deceased had just died, and Olivia is hired to prove that the wife was the one that murdered her husband and not the man that was found guilty and has been in prison awaiting a death sentence.  The scene is Olivia talking to Huck and she says, "Mrs. whatever died yesterday very suddenly from pancreatic cancer"... - and there went my head, back to the moment.  A perfectly good, entertaining episode of Scandal, ruined for me.  I continued watching, cancer wasn't mentioned again, but my brain stayed in the thought.  But it doesn't have to be so specific to pancreatic cancer, or even cancer at all.  I was watching the movie "We Are Marshall" recently.  I have seen the movie several times.  I know it's sad.  I knew when I started watching, that it deals with the death of so many people.  I was prepared.  When the plane crashes, it's a moment, but it was ok.  What got me, made me change the channel was the one happy moment.  The assistant coach that was supposed to be on the plane, but switched with another coach to drive to make a recruiting visit with a high school player at the last minute, drives up to his house in the pouring rain and his wife comes running out, seeing her husband alive when she thought he was dead.  The reaction, the expression on her face and the emotion exhibited.  Her husband was alive after all.  That moment got me as my mind went to, why isn't Joe's death a mistake?  Why couldn't I walk outside to see him standing there and feel that relief?  Silly I know.  So I changed the channel.

I rarely go to movies unless I have fully researched the plot.  IMDB and Wikipedia have become my new best friends to research and make sure someone doesn't die of cancer in the middle of things. Or if someone looses a spouse.  Or if someone makes a reference to a loved one dying.  It's hard to be spontaneous about entertainment these days.  Always on guard.   To be honest, it's practically impossible.  So I avoid.

Of course this is Relay for Life season, so my brain for the next two months is fully ensconced in cancer.  I'm a bit slower this year in my fundraising.  Not because it isn't still as important as it always has been, but I'm trying to not obsess as much as I have in the past.  I will still send out requests, I will still attend fundraising events (I am really looking forward to "Home Brew for Life") and I will of course be in attendance for the entire event on May 29-30th.  I owe that to Joe, to myself, and to so many others.  If you would like to make a donation to support my efforts, the link to the American Cancer Society Relay for Life site is here:
                         DONATE TO JEFF'S RELAY FOR LIFE EFFORT HERE

Ok.  I've rambled enough for a Good Friday morning.  Time to bathe, get ready for Stations of the Cross at PGUMC and then dinner with the boys.  Have a wonderful Easter weekend folks.  It's a 3 day weekend. WooHoo!!!!!

What a week....

What a week.  Ice, snow, sub zero temperatures and my boss on vacation.  As I close in on a full month in my new position, I hesitate to say that I actually know what I'm doing.  While I'm not in panic mode all day, I'm not fully comfortable in the new role just yet.  What I can say is that it is busy, busy, busy...and we are still in the slow time of the year.  Hopefully I will be in full comfortable mode by the time we are in the heart of spring market.

Upcoming: Relocation training for all team members; 2 members of the Relocation Department will be off to Palm Springs for conference; CBA annual awards conference (in Fayetteville of all places); Jury duty; colonoscopy - and all that before mid April.

Add to that the decision I've made to start dating again and spring could be very interesting.  Oh yeah, you heard right, dating.  No real prospects on the horizon but if the opportunity presents itself, I think it's time I give it consideration.  Don't you?

It Really Is Official This Time

After 2 delays it is now official...well at least the announcement will be on Tuesday.  I am the new Corporate Relocation Manage for Coldwell Banker Advantage.  Corporately relocating buyers and sellers that come through the Coldwell Banker Relocation Department will now be my responsibility. I am headquartered at our Raleigh Corporate office and cover all our offices in the Triangle, Lake Gaston, Goldsboro, Clarksville, VA, Fayetteville & Southern Pines.  That's a wide swath of NC folks!  I've been working 1 day a week in Relocation since December and then once January came around, twice a week.  Originally I was told my start date would be 1/5/2015, but then it was moved to 1/15/15 and now 1/27/15.  However those are just the announcement dates.  I've being doing the job full time since 1/16.  Since I was replacing someone, they needed to wait until that was all settled.  The agents in my former office (Chapel Hill) do not know but will find out on Tuesday the 27th at our  scheduled business meeting.  The owner of the company will be on hand for the announcement and he's asked me to come into the Chapel Hill office to say goodbye.  It will be a bittersweet moment I'm sure.  The folks there have been a huge part of my life for nearly 9 years.  They've seen me through ups and downs including all of Joe's cancer treatments and then the aftermath of his passing.

I know I will miss them, but this is an extremely good opportunity for me and at my age, a chance for advancement can't be passed up.  It of course also means that I will be working in Raleigh full time and so the extended plan that I've had for the past couple of years to maybe move over to the Raleigh area seems much more likely.  I don't imagine I will do anything this Spring as I'm not sure I can't take a job change and a house change all at one time.  I have quite the learning curve to adjust to with the job and just with one week under my belt, I can tell it can be very stressful at times.  I don't need to compound that just yet.  At least not unless the perfect condo/townhouse appears in the perfect area in Raleigh!  This piece has fallen into place so with just a little more luck, maybe the housing piece will work out too.  Lord knows I'm due for a change in fortune, a change in my life, A CHANGE!

I am really excited about all of this and I hope those of you still reading this will be happy for me.  Hey, I'm writing about good news.  How long has it been since I've done that?  Have I ever done that?

I hope everyone is off to a wonderful 2015.  Mine is looking up!

"And suddenly you know: It's time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings." 
                                                                                                                                    - Meister Eckhart

Christmas 2014

I asked a Facebook question a week or so ago about whether or not I should even bother to put up decorations this year.  I received a resounding, "YES, YOU SHOULD".  So I went with the majority, even though my preference is never to go with what the majority wants, and put up some decorations.  Granted, this year there is even less than last year, but I should at least get props for trying.  Although I went very minimal, I am happy with the results.  Since my signature color has always been red (now if that doesn't sound queer, I don't know what does...I have a signature color), having more red throughout the house is definitely to my liking.  Maybe it will do the trick and cheer me up.  Hey, it can't hurt!

Merry Christmas

Random

When the word of the day is random, you can pretty much expect my thoughts to wander, and wander, and maybe even wonder.

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger".  What the heck is that supposed to mean?  I'm no spring chicken, I've been through a lot in my life, maybe not what many people have been through, but I've had more than my share of woes and I'm here to tell you that that is BS...a huge stinking wad of bulls*it.   My experience is that "what doesn't kill you" usually leaves you broken, bruised, scarred, unable to cope and barely able to keep your head above water.  I mean really, who thought of that?  Then there is "God doesn't give you more than you can handle".  Again, total BS.  What is the point of "giving no more than you can handle"?  Growth?  Excuse me but I'd rather remain stagnant than have to go through the pain in order to come out the other side having grown as a person.  I know, cynical.

Beneath the Darkness.  How dark can a day get?  When the dark never lifts, do you continue to describe it as darkness or do you just concede that it's called your life?  At what point do you just say screw it?  And if you do say screw it, what then?  What if you've said screw it and nothing has changed?  What motivates someone who is feeling hopeless to even get out of bed?  Where do they look for motivation?  Friends?, family?, faith?, therapy?  That isn't a rhetorical question, where?  I'd really like to know if someone has an idea or two to share.

How are you -or- How are you doing?   When you ask someone that question, do you really want to know or are you just being socially pleasant?  My theory, based on my vast (well, maybe not so vast, but I have been asked that A LOT), is that people don't really want to know.  They are much more comfortable when the questioned individual just smiles and says "fine", or "ok", or really stretches the truth and says "good".  Last year I had friends that lost their elementary school age daughter.  These friends are not people that I am particularly close too, I haven't seen them in some time, however given the fact that we both suffered losses in 2013, we do share some common history.  Now please, do not for one second think that I am equating the loss of Joe to the loss of their daughter.  I don't have a child and can never fully understand how that feels just as they don't know the feeling of loosing a spouse (and I pray they never do).  We've never "measured" our losses against one another, but have simply said I'm so sorry for your loss.  But we do share a level of understanding when it comes to how others outside our "grief sphere" react to us, talk to us, expect things from us.  Since I don't want to assume that they would like their names on my blog, I'll just call the mom, "Nellie".  Nellie and I have communicated through email & Facebook for the past year and a half.  In many ways, our thought processes on grief and the expectations of others is very similar.  We share one very real and very common similarity.  We are both so very tired of smiling and pretending we are okay.  I've had that fake smile plastered on my face when in public for so long, I'm almost starting to forget what my real smile looks like.  Just once, I'd like for someone to instead of asking how I'm doing, just tell me not to pretend to be ok and if I want to just be myself, to meet them for coffee, a meal or a drink sometime.  That, I might actually climb out of bed for.  Nellie, if you're reading this, can you and me get together sometime to be real?  Hey, we might even be able to have a laugh after we stop crying.  So people, next time you see someone you haven't seen in a while or you see someone who has had some recent trials or tribulations, don't ask how they are.  Don't ask them anything.  Just tell them it is good to see them.  Answering questions is usually not high on the list of things they want to do, especially if you are just being polite and don't really have an hour or so to hear how they are really doing.

Meltdown in progress.  Joe, wherever you may be, please tell me what to do.

Alone.  Enough said.

45 Days Until Christmas

It is so hard to believe that Christmas is just a month and a half away.  2 weeks from now is Thanksgiving.  Good news, Thanksgiving week I have 2 days off (that makes a 4 day weekend), then I work for 2 weeks and have a week off (still have 1 week of vacation left and will spend it at Lake Lure, NC), then after returning to work on Dec. 22, I work a 3 day week, then the next week a 4 day week.  Not bad.  All total, between now and the end of the year I have 10 extra days off!  YAY!!!!!

On the other side of the coin, my GI issues continue.  I've seen doctors about it and have a diagnosis and treatment.  I guess that actually qualifies as good news too.  I've felt better the last couple of weeks since taking the new medication.  That should qualify for a yay too, so YAY!!!!!  Work has been good as well, although slower than I like as it can make for long days.  I also made decisions about some of the things that have been causing me stress and have eliminated what I can.  Progress, right?  YAY!!!!!  Now I just need the self motivation to start working out again.  How did I do it last year?  Was it just wanting to not be fat that did it?  Should I just start eating a lot more and put some pounds back on so I can self motivate?  I think that might be a little on the counterproductive side of the coin.

I went to see the mother-in-law last weekend and had a very nice visit.  We sat and talked for hours and hours after lunch (and during lunch).  I stayed until after dinner and then made my trek back to Durham.

My Twitter feed has been on fire since the "Finding Our Way" webcast.  I've made lots of new FB friends and gotten a lot more Twitter followers.  Nice to know that there are people out there that share some of the same opinions and thought processes about topics that matter to me.

My real question of the night is this...."Do I put up the Christmas decorations, even the limited version that I did last year, this year?"  Anyone that knows me well knows that I hate putting up a Christmas tree.  That was a Joe thing.  That is why we always had 2 trees.  He loved the trees.  My feeling is that it just takes too much time and effort.  Especially on the taking down end.  Last year I just put up the metal "Cary tree" that we bought 10 years ago.  It comes in 4 pieces and takes 10 minutes to put up.  I put one tea light on each "branch" and called it a day.  Very simple, but was the best I could do given the circumstances.  I put the other decorations around the house, like I always have done.  So do I make myself put the Cary tree up?  It's pretty, but AARRRRRGH....I'm lazy and not motivated.  Can someone send me some Christmas spirit??  If that's asking too much, how about some Thanksgiving spirit?  I could probably work with that.

Odd Assortment of Happenings Last Week

Normally the week of Halloween is filled with ghosts and goblins but this year there were a few other oddities thrown in.  I had to go out a couple of nights just to check and make sure there wasn't a full moon.  Any excuse for the behavior of some people and for what was extraordinary occurrences that I witnessed.

Oddly freakish behavior was limited to a couple of co-workers.  Mind you it isn't that strange for my co-works to exhibit behavior that I find odd.  But yet, I'm taken aback when it happens.  Maybe they do it on purpose just to see how well I handle it.  I'm sure they were surprised this week when I did not handle it well at all.  We all have our limits.

That's me and a co-worker on Friday for Halloween.  We came as "Comfortable".  I must say I could get used to working in pajamas.

Another interesting happening was on Saturday morning.  The UMC Connectional Table was having their conference on 'Human Sexuality and the Church" and it was being webcast.  If you read a couple of posts prior to this one, you may have read or viewed the video that I recorded and submitted.  Guess what?...they used it.  Actually it was first.  Now mind you, only 4 videos were submitted but still, I was pleased that they included it in their discussion.  It got my Twitter feed buzzing and I spent the better part of the day in discussion via Twitter & email with people from all over the US and world, answering and asking questions.  Most were just interested folks in the Twittersphere but a couple were from the UMNS and other UMC publications/news sources.  All in all it was an illuminating day.  But here's the good, the bad and the ugly.

Observations:

• The panel of Bishops somehow found ways of saying the same thing over and over without ever repeating the same phrases.  They are a talented group of intellectuals and have a good command of language.
• Having a panel to discuss homosexuality and the Church with no LGBTQ representation is equivalent to a discussion of race with only white people present or women's issues by a panel of men.
• Bishop Talbert is a GEM.
• Waiting until 2016 for a decision is only going to exacerbate the problem.  There is tension and it will only get worse given the amount of time that will pass before Conference.
• There are great division among us Methodists.  Twitter was lit up with vitriol from the conservative side of the Church.  
• Divisions in the Church were apparent before the event began as three members of the group Love Prevails were prevented from entering the room where the webcast was taking place.
• I didn't get an answer to my question as to why I should stay.

The fact that this conversation took place at all is miraculous.  The fact that people from all over the world were able to participate via the internet made it even more intriguing.  The fact that I took part both via the video and through Twitter is even more astounding to me.

One of the best recaps/analysis' of the panel was written by Cynthia B. Astle, "Hopeful Signs Emerge from Sexuality Panel" from United Methodist Insight.  Read full here    One of the more interesting items to come out of the panel is the realization that United Methodist Bishops have finally acknowledged that they disagree over the acceptability of homosexual practice as a legitimate expression of human sexuality.

I'm also considering attending the GCN (Gay Christian Network) Conference in Portland early next year.  I was contacted about it because of the video and am waiting to get some more information/details before I make a decision.  The person I spoke with, Rachel Evans, urged me to consider attending.  So I will.

If you did not watch the webcast, it will be posted as a podcast soon and be able to be viewed at any time.  Let me know if you are interested in listening/watching and I will let you know when it is available.  The four videos that were shown are all available on Youtube and can be viewed on the Connectional Table website.

• Connectional Table Youtube Videos  (scroll to the bottom of the page to view the videos)

I AM NOT AN ISSUE