July is a month of reflection I guess. Should I be doing this? Purposely reflecting? Maybe not, but sometimes you just have to go where the brain and the heart tells you to and let the chips fall where they may. Plus, I’m at an “all time favorite” location, Holden Beach, to start the month so I have lots of extra time and lots of emotions bubbling around just beneath the surface.
Now the emotion part is not anything knew as anyone who knows me can attest. However, the last few months it has been bubbling more and more. I’m short tempered, my sleep rhythm is non rhythmic, and I can go from smiling to sobbing in .05 seconds. This was one of many topics when I visited with my physician last month for my annual physical. At that time he suggested, very gently, that I consider seeing a psychologist. Starting back therapy was not in my grand scheme of things but something has got to give. We went into a little more depth as to the why’s and how’s of what might be going on with me but I’ll leave that for another time.
So here I am. At Holden Beach with my family. As of the writing of this sentence it is me, Phyllis and Woodie. Tomorrow, Aimee and Sara are to join us. Several things happened yesterday that were important. I had dreaded the drive over the bridge onto Holden as in the past that was when Joe would perk up and start with, “we’re here!!!!” The saving grace for that expected sadness was the extreme traffic jam stretching back a couple of miles ahead of the bridge. What could have been a sad moment turned into an irritating 45 minutes of sitting in traffic, moving less than 5 miles per hour. That occupied my mind long enough and strong enough to keep me busy. The arrival at the house, where Phyllis and Woodie were waiting, the unpacking and the tour of the house kept us all busy for the next couple of hours. Then we ventured down to the beach where Phyllis & Woodie sat for awhile and I went for my run/walk. I have pledged to get in a good long run/walk everyday that we are here. I have GOT to get back into the routine of actually doing something and what better place than at the FLAT beach!!! So I ran a couple of blocks, then walked a couple of blocks, then repeat the process. It felt good, until this morning. My calves are exploding! No pain, no gain.
Morning number one has brought me up predawn but not early enough for me to climb up on the widows walk to watch the sunrise. I will do that one morning before this is said and done though. But back to the reflection. this was not meant to be a day by day by hour by hour account…well not only that.
the waters pour
Cool and warm and clear and red
How can I be alive?
and Joe be dead?
Switch places with me.
Let me rest on the brink of that ancient flight.
You sit here and wait.
Where would you go.
You know nothing of the world beyond this dirt.
Nothing now, but I’m willing to learn.
This sanctuary is all I have.
I’m grateful for it.
Grateful to have some place to wait.
Wait for the waters to recede.
My path now visible.
Visible to lead me away from here.
Walking up the steps to the church.
Each step bends and creaks from my weight.
Each step is a guardian deciding if I may enter.
Will they break in half and swallow me whole.
How ironic, that’s how I already feel.
Swallowed up by the earth.
I just need a place to hide for a few minutes.
Dinner time end of day one. 7 beach hours. Pink chest, pink feet, pink legs, pink face. Good day. Good breeze, a little cloudy keeping the temperature just right. Huge crowds today. I’ve never been down here and seen so many people but then it is the end of the 4th weekend. Phyllis is cooking dinner (actually right now she is playing on Facebook) but it’s CHICKEN night! Woodie is firing up the grill. What am I doing? Not much of anything. I’m so lazy.
After chicken night was cube steak night and then Taco Tuesday. It’s now sausage Wednesday after 3 days of sun, wind and MORE wind.
Loneliness should be the stranger
when you are alone.
Friends, family filling the space that is left vacant.
Alone and lonely are close cousins.
Their relationship can not be denied.
But they are also quiet different from one another.
Loneliness resolution requires company.
Alone can be a crowded room.
Sara and Aimee left to return to their lives today. Sara prepares for the move to her college apartment in a couple of weeks. What a change that is going to be. I’m not ready but then I have learned that I am not a fan of change. At least not anymore. Right now I have one change that I am hopeful for, although not expectant of it happening. If you don’t get your hopes up too high, it’s not such a painful fall when/if it doesn’t happen. Would it be a cure all fix? Absolutely not, but it would be a step in the right direction. One I have sorely missed for the last 4 years.
Tears are running down my face.
Where do I run?
I need to escape.
I'm trapped inside, my thoughts flow.
I'm broken, so alone.
Traveling through fog, needing to be found
I'm cracked like glass.
I'm hurting inside.
I try to hide so nobody sees.
God, answer me.
Falling into darkness being clouded by lies.
I need to get out.
Slipping and tumbling into things that are unseen.
I need to escape.
Vacation ends tomorrow. Long drive home. Then hopefully a good rest in my OWN BED. It was a great week. Restful. Peaceful. Jovial. Family.
I feel no interest
Just force a smile upon.
I see no color
But, I am not blind
I see, the world is black.
What is this?
This emptiness I never felt before
Life of mere glass that can shatter
Shatter at the slightest touch.
I am breathless
As if someone is following me
How do people smile so easily?
Live so freely.
What is this?
I feel alone, separated, anxious.
I am scared.
I want to live.
No perhaps I don’t.
No matter where I search
Whom I ask
They give no reply.
What is this?
I am eager.
I want someone to share my feelings with
I searched here and there
Tried to open up to many.
Why is life bestowed upon us?
Why is it taken?
I am alone
I call out with all my might
But no one listens
I am tired.
I am really afraid
I am as if bound by invisible chains of
No perhaps emptiness
I am alone
In this darkness days pass
But no one comes..
This life is itself,
Having no reason to exist.
Is there an afterlife?
A happy one?
A deep, deep week. Home, safe and sound. The drive wasn't terrible. Good tunes playing. Traffic moving. I even stopped for the BBQ burger at Burger King that I kept seeing advertised on TV all week. (Don’t bother, it isn’t very good….at least not to me). Tomorrow, back to the routine. Back to the drudgery. Back to this life.