Have you ever had one of those moments when something happens or something is said and all of a sudden you realize you've been living in an apparent delusional bubble? You know the saying, "ignorance is bliss".....well it's only bliss as long as you stay ignorant. As soon as that little bit of knowledge creeps in, or as soon as a little light is let into the dark space, the bubble bursts and your eyes are opened and reality SLAPS you in the face. Hard! That delusional bubble life, that blissful ignorant life, that was mine, apparently. Until this evening. I'm not going to go into specifics as that would only cause more hurt feelings. I've done that enough in my life, no need to do that anymore. I do need to take off the veil that has apparently been over my eyes and accept that which will never change. That which will never be. Those that can never and will never be honest and who/what they profess to be. Open my eyes and move along. Stop trying. Lost cause. Arrivederci. Sayonara. See ya, wouldn't want to be ya! If only it was that easy to do.
What is the Reinhold Niebhur Serenity Prayer; "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference".
I need that to become my new mantra. If only people were like "things". If people were forthright, upfront with you, honest and true. Stop the pretense. It inevitably catches up with you. Don't say one thing to someone's face and something else behind their backs. Being nice to their face can be cruel if deep down you don't mean or believe what you are saying.
I was re-reading a letter tonight that Joe wrote in 2012. Who it was to and the overall content is not important right now. But there were two sentences in the letter that resonated with me tonight. Joe wrote: "People know when you truly mean what you say. People also can read the subtext of what is not said." My Joe really was an incredibly intelligent man. Most of us tended to pay most attention to his amazing musical talents and his off-beat humor. However, he had an amazing intellect and a mind like a steel trap. If he read it, saw it, heard it, then he remembered it. A wonderful gift. I reread the letter several times tonight and I kept coming back to those two lines. When he wrote those two lines, he was referring to me. I am the "people" he was referring to. At least I was before he died. Maybe since then I've been grieving and not paying attention. Maybe I've been just pretending not to notice and using that as a means of avoidance. Maybe I just simply preferred for the time being to give the benefit of the doubt. But there is no doubt. I know. Joe knew. Some people will not ever change. So I guess I just have to ask myself, "can I live with it or am I better off living without them?" That ladies and gentlemen is the $64,000 question tonight. The answer, I'll have to sleep on it. Maybe for a few nights.
Sunday is All Saints Day and my Joe will be on the list at PGUMC. I had already accepted that I would be sad Sunday, but now I have such a heavy, disappointed heart that I need not wait for Sunday. Joe Lupton, in my eyes your are a Saint. Our love and life together was something I never dreamed I would experience. I am so thankful for our 14+ years together. I love you as much today as the day we said our vows in Connecticut and not a day goes by that I don't think of you, miss you, shed a tear for you. If only we had had more time, but oh boy didn't we make the most of what we had! I luvish you and I will see you in my dreams.