Success

That word has such a nice sound to it, doesn't it?  But it can mean so many things to so many different people.  Some people judge success by the amount of money they make or have; other people judge success by their happiness; and others judge success by accomplishments.  I certainly don't have the money to consider myself a success, I have very few accomplishments that I am truly proud of, and of course lately, my happiness has been on the slow ride out of town.  So why label a post success?  Simple.

This week I exercised more than any week in obedience to my doctors wishes; this week I had only one "junk food" meal in obedience to my doctors wishes; this week I have gone to bed early every night with the exception of last night; this week I completed a "homework" assignment from my therapist; and this week I raised more money towards my Relay For Life goal.  So although most of the accomplishments this week were baby steps, for me it felt like progress and that feels like success.  For the first time in months I have not wallowed in self pity.  Yes, I have had some incredibly sad moments, but I worked through them.  I reached out to people honestly with how I have been feeling and they responded, well most of them anyway.  One still alludes me, but I can't worry about that right now.  Bigger fish to fry!

Last night my sister and brother in law are visited.  This evening I hope to take in a movie after I finish mundane chores like laundry and planting flowers in the flower beds and planters.  Sunday morning church and then Sunday evening a house full of activity when two wonderful families come for dinner.  The house will be full of kids and adults.  If its cool enough outside, maybe we can burn a log or two in the backyard fire pit.  Life returns to the house.  My therapist, Jennifer, is proud.  I did what I said I wanted to do rather than just complain about it.  YAY me!

Also a HUGE YAY to my Relay for Life fundraising.  As I type this I am just $29 short of $3000.  Who wants to be the one to push me over??  It could be you, or you, or you.  I'm so looking forward to the event on Friday night.  I know there will be some extreme highs and lows emotionally, but I am so psyched for it.  Joe Lupton would be so proud of me for raising the money and committing to being there for the event.  But then Joe was proud of me for so many little things.  He was just that type of guy.  Wow, it is still hard to fully wrap my head around the concept that he is gone.  I still wake up at night and in my sleepy, groggy haze, reach over expecting him to be there.  It's usually just a couple of seconds, but it is the strangest feeling when it happens.  But right now, I am just so happy that so many people have given so much to support me in this endeavor.  I will not let you down.  I will be there all night.  Walking as much as I can.  Catnapping when possible.  I know I will meet some wonderful people and that part excites me as well.  So with just 7 days to go, it's not too late.  Large or small; pennies or dollars- a donation in support of Relay for Life is a donation to give someone or many someone's an extra birthday.   Click below if you would like to make a donation.

DONATE TO RELAY FOR LIFE

To everyone who remembers me in their prayers, who takes the time to text, email or call, who offers their hand or a hug, I thank you each and everyone.  I plan to have LOTS of photos from the Relay event.  Thank you for your donations and support.  I love you all.

4 Months

It hardly seems possible but it has been 4 months since Joe’s death.  I’ve spoken to several people including my family medical counselor about the fact that even though it has been four months, the pain is as fresh and intense as it was the day he died.  I’ve even asked if someone could circle that magical day on the calendar when enough time will have passed that I will feel better and not hurt so much.  However, I’ve been told by each person that a magical day or amount of time doesn’t exist.  My loneliness and despair just don’t seem to get any better.  Yes, there are days, or times throughout a particular day when I am occupied enough that my mind doesn’t go to the place of what might have been, or how could this happen, or how do I cope with this loss.  But those are such infrequent times.  I’m also grappling with other issues surrounding the loss.  Friends that have practically disappeared.  Friends that I haven’t heard from since the week of Joe’s death, friends that I used to speak with, email with, Facebook message with on a weekly basis, that I have not heard from or heard back from since Joe’s memorial service.  Most all of my friendships were through my relationship with Joe.  He was here in Durham first and developed a circle of friends and acquaintances.  Many if not all of them became my friends as well.  However, some of them have now just evaporated from my life.  That is hard to accept.  Maybe they still grieve and it is hard for them as well and I am a reminder of their lost friend, I don’t know.  I just know I miss them.  I spoke with my counselor just this week about that and her suggestion is just to tell them I miss them.  See if that will re-insert them into my life.  I have nothing to lose if they don’t come back since they are no longer there at this point.  Did I mention that this is going to be a long post?   I guess I should have started with that but if you’ve read so far, maybe you will keep reading.
Another issue that has been weighing so incredibly heavy on me is the emptiness of the house.  I had a bit of an epiphany a few weeks ago when I realized that with the exception of my friend from church who had helped me with Joe’s insurance and retirement, there has not been anyone other than me in my house since the week that Joe died.  No friends, no acquaintances, no one has come to the house.  I have been out to eat with a great many friends, I have been to their houses, I have been out and about, but no one has been in our home except me.  That makes for a very lonely existence there and makes the house seem even emptier than it is.  What can I do to remedy it?  I suppose I just need to be more aggressive and ask people to come see me.  Maybe I will try and arrange a “pot-luck” dinner and invite assorted folks to bring something.  I just need to have someone in the house with me from time to time and I really want a nice gathering soon.  Joe loved those.  I’ll have to look at the calendar to see what if anything other than Relay for Life is on my horizon.  I know that weekend (Relay for Life is on May 31^st – more about that of course later on) will be a wash as I will be up all night and will probably sleep all day on June 1^st.  But honestly, having to ask someone to come see me makes me very sad.

Another issue which I have not directly addressed on here is that Pleasant Grove UMC has now hired Joe’s replacement.  Yes the name of the position is different, but the fact of the matter is that he is the replacement.  That is hard for me.  I have absolutely no ill will or bad feelings towards Chris or PGUMC.  I knew this was inevitable, but it still is quite emotional for me to see someone else up there.  For that reason I have drastically altered my service attendance, giving up completely for the last month on the 11a.m. service and have just attended the 8:30am service.  At that one, where I record the service for the shut-ins, I can stay up in the loft where the sound equipment is, with my headphones on, block out the music portion of the service, not even watch if I so choose and just listen to the sermon.  How long I will be able to do this, I don’t know.  Will I eventually be able to return to the 11am service, I don’t know the answer to that either.  Several Sundays, after leaving the 8:30 am service, I have visited other churches.  I’m not really considering changing churches, but if I’ve learned nothing else, keep your options open.  Maybe with that so called “time will help” speech that I have heard over and over, I will be able to resume my regular attendance at the 11 am service at PGUMC.  I don’t have an answer to that.  Right now, I just don’t know where I fit in at PGUMC.  When Joe was there, I knew.  I was with him, I participated in Bible Study, I watched over him and I made sure he was okay.  My job was to get him there on Sunday mornings and to get him to choir practice along with a few other things in between.  Now, I just go there and feel as lost as I do at home.  Don’t get me wrong, everyone there is very caring and loving and I still get lots and lots of hugs and well wishes.  But I just don’t feel like I have a purpose.  Both there and everywhere.  Could I find a church where I felt more “useful”?  Probably not.  The hole that is in my heart will be there no matter where I am or what pew I am sitting in.  I love the people at PGUMC and they have been so good to me and loved Joe so much.  That is what contributes to making this so hard.  But at other churches I don’t have the overwhelming sadness when someone else plays the piano, organ or directs the choir.  My life is still in such flux that I sometimes can’t form a rational thought.  Probably writing this is one of those times and this makes no sense.

I am still holding firm in 2^nd place in fundraising for the Relay for Life event at Leesville Road High School on May 31^st.  However, the number one position is getting farther and farther out of reach.  The person in 1^st is doing an incredible job and is clearly still raking in money.  I need to double my efforts to just keep ahead of the number 3 person.  So here goes the pitch.

Why I Participate in a Relay Event

Because on January 13, 2013, the most wonderful man I have ever known, died from pancreatic cancer. My partner in life and love fought that dreaded disease for more than 2 years. For more than two years he endured surgery and constant radiation and chemotherapy treatments. For more than two years he never complained but held his head high and lived a dignified life filled with love and grace. If that man, my husband, could fight that hard for that long, then I owe it to him to do whatever I can to help others not have to feel that pain. Because I know I will make a difference in the fight to end cancer. I know that by raising funds and walking in the American Cancer Society Relay For Life event, I will help save lives from cancer. I do it to honor Joe Lupton and the strength and dignity that he exemplified in life.  It's staggering to think that millions of people will be diagnosed with cancer this year. I know from personal experience that when that happens, life as you know it is changed forever.  Mine was.

I need your help.  I realize the difficult economic times we are in and I know that everyone can not make a donation.  However, no amount of money is too small or too large.  Every single dollar helps push me closer to my goal and more importantly, helps add to the funding for the American Cancer Society.  Each of you knew Joe.  You know how he lived his life before and after his diagnosis.  You know that he left us much too soon.  Think about him and consider making a donation. 

CLICK HERE TO BE DIRECTED TO THE WEBSITE WHERE YOU CAN MAKE

A DONATION TO SUPPORTMY “RELAY FOR LIFE” EFFORTS.

Thank you to everyone who has so generously already donated in support of my efforts and thank you in advance to those who may donate in the future.  I am extremely grateful to each and every one of you.

As I continue to go through each day, I think of Joe and I miss Joe.  My Joe was such a wonderful person or as I told him repeatedly before and after his diagnosis, he was the BEST person I had ever met.  Never a bad word about anyone, never a discouraging comment.  He always saw the best in everyone and made those around him feel so special just by his presence.  I will never meet anyone else like him as he was truly one of a kind.  I love you Joe, today more than ever.

A Week After My Doctor's Appointment

This time last week I was all stressing over my doctor's appointment the next day.  Specifically I was stressing over my weight and how much Dr. Kavanaugh would fuss at me.  However, as it turned out he didn't fuss at me at all about my weight because I had lost 14 lbs since the last time I saw him last fall.  He did ask me if I could just walk 10 minutes three times a week.  I agreed and thus far I have kept my end of the bargain and have been walking.  However all was not well as I found out when the last of the lab results came in.  I won't go into specifics but I have to go back in a few months and have some more labs to compare results.  Not pleased, but trying not to obsess or worry (yeah right).

I'm still doing the Relay for Life fundraising.  Last week I moved from 3rd out of the 299 participants to 2nd.  However, today I noticed that our team, Pleasant Grove United Methodist Church had dropped from 6th to 7th.  We will just have to do something about that!  And what would that be????  work harder, raise more money.....(I'm not competitive as you can tell)  All kidding aside, I can't thank my friends and family for all the support that they have shown me by their generous donations.  I am so very grateful.  Upon the advice of some real life and Facebook friends, I raised my goal to $3000.00.  As of this posting I am at $2306.00 with 23 days to go!!  So with that said, if you are so led and would like to make a donation, please click on the link below.

This weekend of course is Mother's Day Weekend.  I'll be going to Greenville on Sunday to spend the day with Joe's mother and his sister's family.  Will be heading that way after the early service at PGUMC on Sunday morning.  But first, I will be going to Teddy Lupton's graduation party Saturday evening in Hardscrabble.  Teddy is graduating from NC State.  Yet another Lupton receives a degree!  A very studious and scholarly bunch.

Thank you to everyone who continues to take time to wish me well, say a prayer and say hello or give me a quick hug.  They are all appreciated.

                                                  DONATE HERE TO RELAY FOR LIFE

New Realities

Not much to report, or I guess more accurately, not much I will report. I've been feeling down for a couple of weeks now, trying to accept some new realities. Maybe not so new, just finally accepting the realities. One big reality is that I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow. My annual physical which lately hasn't been so "annual". More like my 2 years and 5 months physical. I know, I know, I should do it annually. However, my priorities have been elsewhere the last few years if you will recall. I dread it tomorrow. I know topic number one is my weight. I was able to get by with my weight the last few years for any doctor visits because of "stress eating". Is there such a thing as "grief eating"?  It's what I do so it must be valid. I'll get through it since it is necessary. I just hope he doesn't yell at me too much.

One thing I am yelling about is my Relay for Life fundraising. I am so grateful to everyone who has donated. Of course, I still have 30 days to raise more so I'm still begging and pleading for contributions. Just think about Joe. No amount is too small or too big. I'm still hoping to annihilate my goal.  Click below to donate either by credit card or check. (please)

RELAY FOR LIFE - CLICK HERE TO DONATE

Another thing I'm grateful for is a very good friend who sat with me for an hour today and listened to me, talked with me, cried with me. Someone who offered counsel, but understood where I was coming from. Thank you Jay. 

Some Days I Want to Bury My Head in the Sand

No begging, no pleading but there will be a note and link at the bottom if you would like to make a donation to help support me in the May 31st Relay for Life event at Leesville Road High school.

Some days just suck!  It's just that simple.  Some days I just want to bury my head in the sand and pretend that my life isn't what it is.  Actually that should read some weeks I just want to bury my head.  But life has a funny way of keeping you from doing that.  Life, or should I say reality, has a way of rearing it's ugly, and I do mean UGLY, head and slapping you in the face.  Since Joe's death I have tried very hard to keep focused on dealing with the grief by attending regular counseling, talking to family and friends when needed, getting out and not staying in seclusion.  Trying very hard to go on with as much of a normal schedule while at the same time working to create a "new normal" for myself.   However, the last couple of weeks circumstances have made me realize that I have probably just been going through the motions and not really accepting some things that have obviously been inevitable.  I wish I could be specific, but it would probably only make some people uncomfortable and ultimately hurt some feelings.  I don't need to carry that burden too.   However, accepting reality is never a bad thing even if it means making big changes.  Changes that might not be popular but might be necessary for me and my mental health.  I have had an incredible amount of support from family and friends and I will never be able to adequately thank them or show my appreciation.  I owe a large debt of gratitude to so many people.  That is what has made the last couple of weeks so hard.  In order for me to heal more completely, I may have to alter some relationships.  That thought is as painful as continuing on the same course I've been on.  I know this isn't making any sense.  I've re-read it three times and even I know it's rambling.  But when I ramble, even if it makes no sense, I feel better.  So a rambling I will go!

So what do you do when you know what ultimately would be best for you but at the same time you know that that decision would be the least popular with others and most likely would cause hurt feelings?  Really what do you do?  I have always been a very selfish person.  I was constantly reminding Joe of that but he would always disagree.  Love can be so blind.  It was only after his diagnosis that I truly learned what it was like to think of someone else before yourself.  Even though the circumstances were awful, it actually felt good to think of someone else first.  Not be so self centered.  Since his death, I have of course thought about myself, but only with regard to grief.  Not really what is best for me.  Just getting through each day.  One step at a time.  I've made so many bad decisions in my life that I always question myself.  Since Joe's death, I have second guessed every decision I have made.  Life with Joe made it so easy.  He always knew the right decision.  He always knew when to reign me in.  When to say "Now Jeff....".  Back on my own I am so afraid of making a bad decision that I haven't made any decisions.  I've just gone on like nothing has changed except Joe isn't by my side.  Doing the same things, going to the same places.  Assuming that doing what Joe and I always did would be the best thing for me.  But I think now it was just another form of denial.  The last couple of weeks, that veil of denial has been slipping from in front of my eyes.  But the veil may still be wrapped around my heart.  I keep thinking "what would Joe want me to do?".  But I need to start thinking "what does Jeff need to do?".   Heck, I can't even commit to where to go for a week's vacation this summer.  How's that for non-committal?  Aarrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhh!   Maybe a white jacket with really long sleeves in a nice padded wall room is in order.

I've rambled enough.  If I can just make it through to May 31st and the Relay for Life event.  That is still the most important thing for me right now.  It's sort of a finish line to reach.  I hope to raise a lot more money although I have done very well and as of today have moved into the #3 slot for individual fund raisers out of the 240+ participants.  Now I have to focus on the #2 slot.  Although I need to focus on what is best and right for me, I also can't go more than a minute without remembering why I have these feelings.  Joe died of pancreatic cancer.  All around the world, every day people are faced with the same circumstances that Joe and I faced in November of 2010.  Every day untold numbers of people have their lives turned upside down just like we did.  Every day, people die from a form of cancer.  Every day, their families grieve.  Every day.

DONATE TO RELAY FOR LIFE (CLICK HERE)

Thank you to everyone who continues to remember Joe and to everyone who continues to remember me in their prayers.  Your support is invaluable to me.

Why I Participate in a Relay for Life Event

Why I Participate in a Relay for Life Event
Because on January 13, 2013, the most wonderful man I have ever known, died from pancreatic cancer.  My partner in life and love fought that dreaded disease for more than 2 years.  For more than two years he endured surgery and radiation and constant chemotherapy treatments.  For more than two years he never complained but held his head high and lived a dignified life filled with love and grace.  If that man, my husband Joe Lupton , could fight that hard for that long, then I owe it to him to do whatever I can to help others not have to feel that pain.  I know I will make a difference in the fight to end cancer.  I know that by raising funds and walking in the American Cancer Society Relay For Life at the Leesville High School event, I will help save lives from cancer.  I do it to honor Joe Lupton and the strength and dignity that he exemplified in life.

It's amazing and agonizing to think that millions of people will be diagnosed with cancer this year.  I know from personal experience that when that happens, life as you know it is changed forever.  A Relay For Life event is not only a way to join my community to fight back against cancer, but it is also a way to inspire hope by raising funds and awareness to help those facing the disease.



Who I’m Participating For
My reason for participating in my Relay For Life event is very personal.  It is for the most important person that ever was a part of my life. It is for my partner and husband.  We all participate in Relay events because we’ve been affected by cancer in some way and because a Relay For Life event gives us the power to make a difference and fight back.  For someone like me whose loved one lost the battle with cancer, this is even more important.  This is my opportunity to honor cancer survivors, remember people we have lost, and help raise funds for groundbreaking research, information and services for people fighting cancer.

Why I Support the American Cancer Society
Every day, the American Cancer Society helps people take steps to reduce their risk of cancer or find it early when it is easiest to treat.  They provide free information and services when and where people need it throughout their journey to get well.  They are investing in groundbreaking research to find, prevent, treat, and cure cancer, and are working with lawmakers to pass laws to defeat cancer and rally communities worldwide to join the fight.

I hope you will consider making a donation in support of my efforts.   Together, we have the power to help create a world where cancer can no longer claim another life.

Click here to donate now:  RELAYFOR LIFE DONATION

A Disconcerting Week

This week I learned something that I had not known.  I wasn't being nosey, but I came across an email that Joe had sent back in February of 2012 that contained some information of which I was unaware.   I still check Joe's email and Facebook on a regular basis.  I haven't quite been able to bring myself to delete either.  Since it isn't costing anything, why do it, right?  Exactly!   Anyway, last week there was an email on Joe's account from a college friend of his who was trying to contact me.  She didn't have my email and took a chance that I might be still checking his.   Of course, she was right.  She just wanted to touch base with me and see how I was doing.   It was a very sweet and caring gesture.   The email she sent was in response to a string of correspondence between her and Joe going back to 2010.   Therefore, all the previous emails were there.   Not in an effort to be nosey, but just because they were Joe's words, I started reading the correspondence back and forth.  They only corresponded sporadically so there would be a month of two in between emails.   That was when I saw the one from February of 2012.  The friend from UNC-G, who is a cancer survivor, had commented on making it to a landmark of time without a recurrence of her cancer and Joe responded with "after my surgery when they couldn't remove the tumor, the doctor told me I would have only about four months to live.   It's been 12 months and I'm still here."

I was never aware of any doctor giving Joe a time period of life expectancy.   What must he have been feeling with that knowledge?  I'm sure that when he responded so well to his chemo treatments for over a year, it must have been a big relief.   We were both so thrilled that he responded so well for so long.   But I didn't know he was ever told that.  I don't even know which doctor said it.  Was it the surgeon while he was still in the hospital?  Was it Dr. Zafar?   If so, did Joe ask him not to mention anything to me?  I know why he would not have wanted me to know.  He loved me.  It would have caused me even more worry....if that is humanly possible.  I'm not mad at him for not telling me, but I wish I had known.   It has just made me so sad this week.  We shared the whole journey, but he carried this burden alone.   I don't know exactly how I am feeling.  Maybe I feel hurt that he didn't share.   But I know why he didn't.   He did it to protect me.  He didn't say anything in an effort to save me more anxiety.  He did it out of love.  Only now he is gone and I can't comfort him.   I can't help him.  I can't do what I was supposed to do.  All I can do is miss him and cry.

But I can do something for others.   For people dealing with cancer.  Be they patients, caregivers, family or friends.  That is why the Relay For Life is so important.  Only through fundraising for research can we one day hope to eradicate this disease in all it's many forms.  No one should have to deal with this.   Children like Paxton should not have to go through chemotherapy.  Young families like Kaitlan & Brian should be enjoying their children rather than watching one of them suffer.   Caroline and so many others, including me, should not still grieve for the loss of a parent.  I shouldn't have sleepless nights thinking about what could have been.  But this is all of our realities.  This is where we are.  To move forward and help others, we need as many people as possible to join our Relay for Life team, or make a donation if possible.  If you can, click the link below to donate now.  I know this sounds like a broken record, but it is that important to me so I will keep asking......and asking.  I will think of my Joe and ask again.

DONATE TO RELAY FOR LIFE