Day 50 - "A Secret Love"

So here we are in day 50 of our quarantine due to COVID-19 and not much has changed really.  I do find myself being more and more reflective on my life, both past and present.  Last night we watched the Netflix documentary "A Secret Love".  It's a beautiful story of a lesbian couple who after being together for more than 65 years, finally told their families that they were a couple.  Of course there were varied reactions to the news, but they move forward and the story ends after their 72nd year together.  I won't spoil any of the finer details so you can watch for yourself if you haven't already.  I do recommend.  However, there was one aspect of the story that resonated so much with me and did give me pause.  During the story, there is one family member (a niece of one of the ladies) that while presenting herself as loving the other "auntie" very much, clearly did not feel genuine love for her at all and came across, to me, as being very resentful.  Basically I felt she was pretending, and had been for a very long time.  That struck home for me.

Since as far back as I can remember, I have always felt that I had a very good intuition when it came to people I met and how real or genuine they were being with me.  I know that many people believe that they can read a persons true intent very well, and I don't doubt they can, but I know that I am pretty good at it.  It has never failed me.  Whether it was in a close personal relationship or in a business situation, I have been pretty adept at knowing when someone was either pretending or wasn't telling me something that was going on.  You know that sense that something isn't quite right.  I've had it happen in business when a supervisor was about to reprimand or discuss something done erroneously and I've had it happen in a personal relationship when the other individual hasn't been honest.  I just know.  I've also had the feeling when people were pretending or not being genuinely honest with me.

In my relationship with Joe, it was an ongoing thing with his family.  His mother, sister and cousins in particular.  His mother and sister were always against our relationship, the whole going to hell thing due to their "faith".  But even so, they would be nice to me to my face, while the whole time raking me over the coals behind my back.  This wasn't news.  When Joe died, I sat down with both of them and asked if we could just let the past be the past and move forward as a family.  They both agreed.  I think his sister has indeed held true to her commitment to do that and we have not had a harsh word nor has their been any outward display that would make me believe otherwise.  Disclaimer there though:  The is not much interaction between us other than text messages and an occasional phone call.  His mom however continued her ways and would smile to my face, say loving things, all the while being her usual manipulative self behind my back.  That relationship came to an abrupt end in August 2016.  3 years and 8 months after Joe died.  There has been no contact by me since then although she did continue to try to reach me by phone for a year after but I would not answer the phone and have never listened to the messages she left on my phone.  The Lupton cousins however were a different matter.  No matter how much they smiled at me during our 15 years together, I never believed it or trusted them.  Joe always said I was imagining it.  Last time I heard from them was the day of his memorial service.  Yep, dropped like a hot potato.  ***Disclaimer: One cousin, the daughter of one of his first cousins, did remain in touch***

But that brings me back to my point of always seeming to sense when someone is pretending.  It hasn't failed me yet and although I'm older, most of my senses are still with me.  Steve and I have been together for 5 years now.  He is my world and I truly believe I am his.  There is no hesitation in saying we are madly in love.  That is not what I question.  The issue as in the past, are with some of those familial relationships of his and how I perceive their reaction to me.  Again, everyone smiles, everyone says the right things, but I can't help but feel like there are a few pretenders in the bunch.  I will not name names, but there are some folks there with two faces.

This crap is what inundated my mind last night after watching the film.  Not the beautiful love story but the pretense and hypocrisy that it reminded me of my own life experience.  Sigh.  Isn't quarantine lovely?