Maybe I Should....

First full gang get together since Joe's death was tonight.  Yes, we are just one week away from it being 1 year since he died and it took us this long.  I think it's safe to say that since Joe was how we all met, he was the glue that kept us together so it has taken awhile.  We had great food, great laughs, and great conversation.  I know the absence of Joe was the "white elephant" in the room, but it didn't bring the festivities down.  He was mentioned constantly, referenced continually.  His presence is still felt.  

However, I, couldn't help but watch and listen and think.  Everyone's lives have continued to move forward, and rightly so, but as I watched, it became even more apparent, if only to me, that I haven't.  I'm still right where I was a year ago.  My head, my heart, my conscience self, my unconscious self are holding firm, still not moving forward.   My friends loved Joe and all still miss him terribly.  I know that.  It's just strange for me to be in their company, en masse, and see how their lives continue to move and change while mine has stayed rooted in one moment in time for a year now.  I can talk about all that has gone on the past year on a variety of subjects and matters but my head is still firmly entrenched in 7:05pm on 1/13/13.  It hasn't moved from those first 5 minutes since then.  It's there with me while I'm at work, while I'm at home, while I'm at church, while I'm  at the YMCA, while I'm eating, while I'm reading, while I'm watching TV, and most prominently while I'm sleeping.  It is so very odd to be with my closest friends and feel so very separate from them at the same time.  It's odd to be with my closest friends and feel I have very little in common with them any more.  It's odd to be with my closest friends and be thinking of how soon can I leave without hurting any feelings.  Disconnected is probably the best word to use.  But it isn't just my friends.  I feel disconnected from most everyone in my life; friends, co-workers, family.  I can plaster the smile on my face but sometimes it is just a facade and rather than be where I am or with someone, I had just as-soon be at home on the couch or in bed reading.  I've never been the most social of people, which ALL my friends can attest to but I wonder if I'm becoming just plain antisocial.  Sort of the "if I can't have it my way I'll take my ball and go home" syndrome.  I can't have Joe with me, so I'll just keep to myself.  Also tonight I started one of my allergy and/or cold onslaughts.  Sneezing, runny nose, itchy eyes.  Since I have lived in an animal free zone for more than a year, I've become very susceptible to animal dander and tonight there were two present.  I hope that is all it was and have taken massive doses of all things to stop the symptoms and have landed in the bed already.  Where is my Joe when I need him to keep me warm and supplied with tissues.  Where is my Joe...

Maybe more time will help.  Maybe I should try harder.  Maybe I should.......  

Thanks for the poem Allana