Lost. That is the first word to describe me, how I feel, what I am right now. Next word would be scared. Scared of tonight, of tomorrow, of my pain. So much to do but no energy or drive to get it done. One phone conversation about a credit card and I crumble into a mess of tears. Poor person on the other end of the phone. She wasn't prepared for my breakdown and I was not ready for the conversation. Now I'm afraid to try again.
Calls to Hospice social worker and our attorney tomorrow are first on the list. Hope those calls go better.
Why does tonight seem worse than the 8 nights before? Why does my heart hurt more than yesterday? Why can't I just lock myself in the house and hide? The reason: Because that is not what Joe would want me to do. I know in my head what I should do. It's my heart that is the problem. The huge gaping hole that is in the place my whole heart should be. Everything seems empty and quiet but at the same time painfully loud. Of course now I'm not making any sense at all.
What would Joe think of me being so lost and scared? He thought I was stronger than this. I thought I was stronger than this. It hurt when he was sick and I was scared but nothing like it hurts now. Those long nights in the emergency department, the night before his surgery, the nights of fevers - as bad as they were, I would welcome them right now. I know that is selfish. Joe was the one suffering then and now his pain is over. I am grateful. But I guess I'm selfish too. I want him here with me so bad. It's hard to breath. It's hard to think. It's hard to be alone in our home. It's hard to have company here. Its hard to talk on the phone. It's just hard not having him here.
How do people do this? Really, how?
Of course I made it through the night although I don't want a repeat of it anytime soon. Truly the human body has an inexhaustible supply of tears.
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Tonight the love of my life, my rock, the reason I am the man I am, my Joe passed away. Very quietly and without pain. I am numb, devastat... -
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For regular readers, remember the days when my posts would be clever, whimsical and humorous to read?....well this won't be one of them ...
Jeff
ReplyDeleteI wish I was able to come help you....if you want to box up all papers etc and mail it to me I will sort out all your business matters....
just pace yourself small goals
If you need any help just ask
Take Care
Lynn Childers
Hey Jeff:
ReplyDeleteYou are eloquent as ever, even in your pain. My heart breaks a little when I think about how you are hurting. Please remember that SO MANY people love you. I just wish there was more that we could do but until I think of something, I'll just keep thinking of you and praying for you. May every day get a little easier than the day before.
Jeff Whicker
Thinking of you Jeff! Hoping each day gets a little bit easier and more bearable. Makes me think of Finding Nemo when Dorie sings "just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."
ReplyDelete