Anniversary

This will be a short one.  This has been a relatively good week though work has been slow and it has made for long days.  I worked out at the YMCA four times this week, followed by the sauna or steam room to relax the muscles.  Also on Friday morning when I weighed I had met one of my threshold marks: I broke the 225 lb barrier coming in at 224.6 lbs. YAY!

Friday night I was looking through some saved Word docs on my iPad and getting rid of some that I can't remember why I saved in the first place.  I came across the eulogy that I wrote for Joe's memorial service, re-read it and had a huge cry.  I talked to Joe's mom this morning and once again had some emotional moments.  For those that don't know, this Monday, August 19th, would have been our anniversary.  Another in a long line of firsts but this is a big one.  Not sure how well I'm going to deal with it come Monday as I am already having some issues.  A big help is that my nieces Aimee and Sara are here with me this weekend.  Being around Sara always makes me smile but she too is having a hard time being here without Joe around.  I may be a blood relative, but she loved her Uncle Joe something fierce and is still having problems with his absence.  But then everyone in both families are.

If you are reading this, please say an extra prayer for me in the coming days.  I know that it is going to be rough for me.

Joe, if you are watching me type this, know that I love you and my heart aches every moment of every day because of your absence,  but I know how truly blessed I am to have had such an incredible love with such an incredible man.  You were and are the love of my life.

                                           

Good Week....After A Great Weekend

Good week.....after a great weekend.
Last weekend Rob & Lola visited for 2 days and I had a blast!  They arrived just after lunchtime on Saturday.  Lola had texted me earlier that she had a nail "crisis" and needed a salon immediately. Well one thing that we are not short of here in the Southpoint area of Durham is nail salons.  I found her three within 1/2 mile and she called the first one on the list to make sure they could see her...and they could in 15 minutes.  So off to the Renaissance Center we went and dropped her off in front.  Rob and I miraculously found a Starbucks to get some coffee (I know, they are hard to find right??).  It was nice outside so we sat out front and talked about a variety of topics until Lola called saying she was done.  Within minutes we had her in the back of my car and guess what she wanted...you guessed it, Starbucks.  So back we went.

After that adventure, we came back home and talked for a couple of hours before leaving for dinner at Nantucket Grill.  That's absolutely one of my favorite restaurants (I always get the "Cranberry Bog", but with the new diet, not that night....the buffalo chicken salad instead) and on Tuesday and Saturday nights you get free desserts!  Once again, I couldn't eat it (the diet, remember) but since it is free, I ordered Lola's second choice.  We had to almost threaten Rob to get him to order.  He was all "I don't want dessert.  There's nothing I want".  But dude...it's free! So he did order the peanut butter & chocolate cake and Lola got the coconut cake. (I got the lemon cake for take home for them).

Obviously, once Rob got the cake he dove in.  I was afraid he would choke on the size of the pieces.  We laughed at him so much.  We even had someone from another table come over to comment!  Once we got home, we were here for just a few minutes before Bettie and the kids arrived.  We had a short but very nice visit before they were off to pick up friends at the airport.

Sunday brought church at 11a.m. (thank you PGUMC for being so welcoming of my friends) where Rob & Lola made quite a splash.  Everyone loves them.  But then, I shouldn't be surprised, they are incredible people.  After church was lunch at Saladelia, home for a pit stop where Lola announced she was in a food coma and collapsed on the bed.  However, her bed stop was short lived.  We were meeting her niece and fiancee in Wake Forest at 4pm so off we were back to Wake County.  We had a nice time visiting with Mariah & Jeremy.  The house they are renting is SOOOooo cute and the gym they now own is fantastic.  We also made a side trip to see the church where they are being married and the venue for the reception.  Then of course, it was meal time again.  After a brief post dinner visit we made our way back to Durham, talking and laughing again.
I talked their heads off.  Poor Rob and Lola, they put up with me going on and on.  Not a surprise to anyone who knows me well, huh?  The highlight of the night was talking to Siri in different languages.  It may sound lame, but three people who are tired, have eaten way to much, laying on a large wrap around sofa, can have some good laughs at Siri's expense.

Of course throughout the weekend there were moments where tears flowed, but all in all, we stayed upbeat and laughed so much more.  I was so sad to see them leave on Monday.  That was really the saddest part of the entire weekend.  Two people that Joe loved so much.  When they left, I couldn't help but think about when we were leaving Connecticut after getting married and as Joe and I got to the top of the escalator at the airport, Joe turned and with tears running down his face, said "I don't want to leave them".  I know he was afraid that he might not live long enough to see them again, but he did on our first anniversary last August when we got to spend the weekend with them. We had a blast that weekend with a BIG party and the house was teaming with life and wall to wall people.  This past weekend however, I got to experience a little bit of that again with Rob & Lola.

Thank you Rob and Lola for being such amazing friends to me.  I love both of you with all my heart.  You gave so much to me and Joe.  I can never thank you enough for all that you did for us.

The rest of the week was good as well.  Work was okay, I got my four nights in the gym and this morning when I weighed, I had hit the 37 pound loss!!!!!!! YAY!!!!  Exercise and watching your diet really does work.  It feels awesome.

A Bittersweet Kind of Day

Today has turned into a bittersweet kind of day.  Today at 3pm, I finished my last regularly scheduled therapy appointment at the Duke Cancer Center.  What had once been weekly for the first 3 months, then bi-weekly for a couple of months and since late June, once every three weeks, came to an end today.  After discussion with Jennifer Harsh (my therapist), we decided that maybe this was a good time to stop the regularly scheduled visits and just go with an "as needed" approach.  It comes at a good time for her because as of today she is FULL TIME at the DCC.  However, full time means that approximately 75% of her time will be devoted to research and 25% to counseling/therapy sessions.  This means that if I'm having a particularly hard time or feel the need to reach out to her, her schedule of patients will be far less and thus her schedule much more flexible to see me or just talk on the phone.  While I'm glad that we both feel I've reached the point where this will work, it also means letting go of one more thing that bonded me to Joe, the Cancer Center itself.  After 2 1/2 years of almost weekly visits, it became part of a comfortable routine.  After his death and I began counseling, it remained part of my routine.  I felt comfortable going there.  I even have some good memories there:  when we got good news of no growth but tumor shrinkage; seeing Dr. Zafar & Leigh Howard (who I still adore and admire so much); the familiar and caring faces of the various nurses and staff.  They all became a little bit of an extended family.  One that I have missed, but with my counseling sessions, even though I didn't see them often at all, I knew they were there.  Today, although I can go back anytime I feel it necessary, I moved one step further away from them.  That is what is bittersweet and makes me a bit sad.

After saying goodbye to Jennifer, I got on the elevator and had a good cry on the way down to the 1st floor and on my walk to the parking garage.  I just felt like I was letting another tiny piece of what Joe and I shared slip away.  I know it probably sounds silly to others, but even though it is a very big positive step forward for me, I couldn't help but be sad.

The Duke Cancer Center (left)    Duke Medicine Pavilion (right)

I can't say enough about the care that Joe received and then I have received at the Duke Cancer Center.  It is a world class facility, but even if it was in shambles, if the same employees were there, you couldn't be in better hands.  I owe you 2 1/2 years that I got to spend with Joe that I probably would not have had otherwise.  I also owe you 7 months of helping me regain my footing when it seemed like the ground was crumbling beneath my feet.  If a small crack reappears, I know where to turn.  Thank you.

Anticipation for next weekend

It's been more than a week since my last post.  Main reason, I've just been keeping myself busy.  I returned to work last week after my "vacation" and although I had gone in over the weekend to catch up on quite a bit of the closings, sales and new listings, there was still plenty of work on Monday to make the day go by quickly.  There was even a little left over to fill up a good portion of Tuesday.  However, after that, work slowed down quite a bit and when that happens, the days seem almost endless.  I believe I read every story posted on WRAL.com, Newsobserver.com and various other news sites on Wednesday thru Friday.  I am well caught up on current events.

Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday I went straight to the YMCA after work and so I didn't get home until 7:30-8pm each of those nights.  Saturday morning I mowed the entire lawn, did some much needed trimming of low hanging branches on some tress in the yard and planted flowers in four planters.  All together it was about 3 hours of outdoor work.  After a quick shower I was off to the YMCA for a short workout since I felt I had already sweated off a couple of pounds from the yard work.  Short workout and the sauna later and I was off for a late lunch and then home just in time before the evening showers began.  I'm still nursing an upper groin strain which happened during the Relay for Life event at the end of May so I'm having to take it slow on the treadmill lately.  Only a little bit of running and more moderate paced walk rather than my preferred speed walking.  The calories burn off slower but the pain is less.  Hopefully if I take it easy with that over the next month or so, I can build back up to more running.  As of this morning I have lost 31 pounds since I began going to the YMCA along with my change in eating habits.  I am so looking forward to the day I hit my goal weight.  I will celebrate with a Big Mac and fries!  I know the weight comes off quicker at first so I anticipate it will be at least 2 more months before I am at the point that I'm shooting for.  One I get there, then I will start splitting my workout more evenly between cardio and weights.  If I can just get the waist down 2 more pants sizes (I'm already down 2 sizes since I began).

My home away from home, the YMCA at Lakewood

Today was a good day.  I woke up before the alarm went off so I had extra time to shower, dress and have my morning coffee before church at PGUMC.  Wonderful sermon as always, but the highlight of my day was getting to see Kaitlan and Paxton at church.  I did not see them before the service but once I spotted Paxton up front with Jay during the children's time, I knew I had to find Kaitlan afterward.  Not sure what it is, but I just feel such a connection.  Maybe it's because even though circumstances are extremely different, I relate to some of her emotions right now.  It's also that I know from things that Joe said to me that I know she was someone very dear to him.  We would always pass by their house when we were returning to church after breakfast at McDonald's in between the 8:30 and 11:00am services.  Occasionally we would see Brian outside in the yard and Joe would enevitably say something to the effect, "I wish Kaitlan was still singing in the choir.  I always enjoyed being around her".  Now Joe never had anything bad to say about any choir member and was always positive about them all. (Unless it was I wish I had stronger sopranos, altos, tenors, basses....whatever he was in short supply of at any particular time).  But I didn't hear him say he missed someone or enjoyed a past choir member very often.  That alone let me know that she had a little something extra built in to her personality and attitude.  Had Joe still been alive when Paxton was diagnosed I know that he would have been so profoundly affected.  One because everyone reacts strongly to a ill child, but even more so because i know how much he thought of Kaitlan and of Brian too for all the help he offered with sound during special performances.  It's only since Joe's death and Paxton's illness that I've had the opportunity to get to know her better and it's been very easy.  For me there is a connection.  Not one that I can adequately find words for.  My heart aches for their family and when I see her smile, I imagine choir rehearsals and Joe looking at that same smile.  It seems like each time we see each other there are tears.  However, I have learned that tears are never a bad thing.  If you feel them rising up, let them surface, give in.   You will feel better, if only for a little while.

This coming weekend is going to be a very special one for me.  First, I will get to see Joe's sister Bettie and my niece and nephew, Brittany & Joshua during the day on Saturday.  Also on Saturday, Rob & Lola will be coming into town to stay with me for a couple of days.  That visit is sure to illicit some tears on my part, but I am also so incredibly sure that there will be smiles, laughter and plenty of Joe stories, including our wedding.  There are not two more special people in the world to me and I am so happy that they are visiting.  I'm sure with so much to look forward to next weekend, the week will drag by.  But I will do my best to fill each day (have to do some house cleaning) with work, workouts and anticipation.

I am blessed with so many people that continue to inquire about me and I am so grateful.  I'm also getting a lot of "skinny" comments, which I REALLY enjoy, but I'm not there yet, but I'm trying very hard.  Thank you for the kindness, prayers and good wishes.

Vacation time comes to an end.......

Well vacation is over.  Actually I still have the weekend, but technically, since today was a workday, as of 5pm my vacation was over.  I can honestly say I'm glad.  Sleeping late is nice, but that is about the only good part.  Otherwise the days have been extremely uneventful.  I did come home early, getting in just before rush hour yesterday.  It was so nice to sleep in my own bed last night.  Today was a day of chores and a terrible movie followed by going by my office tonight to see how much work I would be looking at on Monday morning.  My reaction was something akin to PANIC!  Each of my 4 in-boxes were filled.  Instead of just looking, I sat down and worked for 3 hours.  Now Monday was be just another day.  I still should have enough work to make the day go by pretty quickly but I shouldn't be in full-on stress mode.

So a report on this past week.  What can I say other than it was a bit of a bore...a sad bore.  I'm still of the belief that going by myself was the best thing, but I really should have made some specific plans to do something, or gone somewhere that there was something to do.  But even though there wasn't a thrill a minute or a daily schedule of activities, I'm glad I went.  There had to be a first time, so at least I have that behind me.  I shed tears each day and even today when I was home.  I shed tears tonight while at the office by myself and I expect that I will shed some tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that.  I don't intend to sound pessimistic, just a realist.  I even had the loan officer at the bank in tears today.  Everywhere I go I guess I just spread sunshine!!!!!!1

On the positive side, I didn't gain any weight on vacation.  I actually lost 2 pounds.  However, I did eat a 12" sub from Subway tonight so my belly is sticking out much too much right now.  I assume however it will be back to a more normal state tomorrow as I start my return to a YMCA schedule. My plan is for 1 1/2 hours of cardio tomorrow.  30/30/30 - bike, treadmill, elliptical.  Maybe that will help me get back into the swing of things.

Thank you to all my friends and family who checked in on me while I was away.  I appreciate all the support that each and every one of you gives me.

Be careful what you wish for.....

As the old saying goes, be careful what you wish for, you just might get it. It is sooooo true. My wish for vacation: quiet, peaceful, solitude. Well folks I got it. And then some! The word BORED comes to mind. So much so that it is almost a certainty that I will cut this trip shorter than planned and go home early. There is something to be said for being in your own bed, your own home. Especially when you aren't doing anything anyway. I might make a detour and visit friends on the way home however. Regardless, I feel sure that I will be home by Thursday...Friday at the latest. It might work out for the best as I have one piece of business that I should attend to and it can only be done during the week, during typical business hours. It can wait, but if I'm not doing anything anyway, why not now?

I did get a workout in today however. I jogged to the recreation center with the intent of just seeing what equipment they had.  However when I got there, I felt it incumbent on me to at least try a couple of the machines out. An hour and a half later, after time spent on the treadmill, bike and elliptical, I started the walk back to my unit. It was at that point that I realized just how tired I was and how I really didn't want to have to walk that far (it's about a mile). It was about then that I spotted a lone golfer on the golf course with his two sweater golf cart. I was just tired enough to ask a stranger for a ride. He was a nice enough stranger that he said yes and was very kind to deliver me just outside my building. After that, I took a long shower and after dinner, settled in for a couple of movies on Netflix along with a very nice bottle of wine. 

So here I lay waiting for sleep to take me. I must say that the bed is very comfortable here. With lots of pillows!   I'm sure I can do this until at least Wednesday. 

P.S. Tomorrow morning it will be interesting to see what my right leg looks like. I've managed to bump into or trip over three pieces of furniture today. I am such a klutz.

1st Vacation; 1st Day

It has been a very bittersweet day. The first day of my vacation, but also 6 months since Joe's death. On January 13th when I went upstairs to our room and found that Joe had died while I was downstairs, I wasn't sure that I would even be able to make it 6 months. However, I have. Although it has been anything and everything but easy, I have physically survived. Emotionally might be a different matter.  Every day for the last six months I have cried. Some days have been nothing but tears, some days have been filled enough that only a few tears trickled down my cheeks. Some days I have been unable to smile and some days I've even managed a few laughs. Some days I have sensed a glimmer of light in my future and some days I can't even grasp the concept of getting out of bed the next morning. Two things happened at 7:05pm on January 13, 2013: Joe's life ended and my life stopped. I fully realize that 6 months is not much time in the grieving process when you lose your spouse, your soulmate, a large part of what defines you or how you define yourself. I never expected it to be easy to go throughout the day after such a short time and I was correct. It is as hard to go to sleep without Joe beside me today as it was the night he died. I still wake up on a regular basis and reach out my hand to touch him before reality sneaks into my drowsy haze to remind me he is gone. I don't say that for pity or sympathy, it's merely my reality. I have however made strides in moving forward. Joining the YMCA in an effort to be in better shape physically has resulted in weight loss which is great. Hopefully I won't go overboard with the calories during vacation. It wasn't easy decreasing the waistline and I don't want to have to start over. I can handle anything under a 5 pound gain without freaking out this week.

I have spent the better part of the day driving, much of it in pouring rain, going on my first vacation without Joe. Packing for it was terrible. I actually missed the inevitable fight that would occur between me and Joe when packing for a trip. I can't remember a trip where we did not argue during the packing process. Joe took forever to pack. He would pack clothes, take a few things out of the suitcase, put more in, take more out, over and over. It was torture. He was so incredibly concerned that he would forget something that he always overpacked. Mind you, I always overpack too, but I just grab bunches of stuff and pack it and zip the suitcase shut. I always figured that if I forgot something I could either do without, or just buy another. Maybe not the most practical, but much quicker. But this trip there was no one to argue with, no one to get exasperated with. Just me, packed and standing in the kitchen alone.

This self pity party is going on and on isn't it? Oh well. I'm sitting in a hotel with a mindless TV show on waiting for morning so I can finish my journey. For the next week, I can sleep late and do what I want. If I'm not enjoying this place, I can put my bag back in the car and journey back home. No one to argue with about that either! I can't begin to count the number of times Joe and I went to various timeshare resorts where all I really wanted to do was just leave and go back home to my own bed. This time if that happens, I can have my little Holland fit and be on my way. Should that happen, at least I could get back to my workout routine. Maybe even get in a little extra. But I've driven all this way and I'll give it the old college try!

I have been blessed to have so many people who care about me and how I am doing both emotionally and physically. I appreciate all that you have done for me and continue to do for me. Your prayers, your caring, and your love is what gets me through each day. Thank you. 

Much Thought?

I've never given much thought to how I would die.  But dying in the place of someone I love, seems like a good way to go.

- Bella Swan

It's My Vacation and I'll Go Where I Want To...

A little lazy tonight after my visit to the Y, so I opted for video rather than typing.


Have a great week and weekend folks! Thanks for the love, prayers and support.

So what's up now that it's July?

That is the question.  What's up?  Well, what's up with me is quite varied.  First, last week, after working out at the YMCA for 4 days, I was very torn as to whether to stay home and just veg on the couch on Saturday or go in for a workout.  I turned to my Facebook friends to inquire what I should do...stay home or go workout?  So after listening to a variety of opinions, I decided to take the advice of the majority and go to the Y.  At first all was just fine.  Did my time on the bike and then moved to the treadmill.  By that point I was sweating really good, heart rate was at the desired level and I was jamming.....so while on the treadmill I need to wipe my face with the towel.  So I do what I always do, put my glasses up on my head, wipe the face and keep going.  However this time, after wiping the face, I made a quick swipe of the top of my head to get the sweat off of it.  But oops, my glasses are there and I knock them right off my head and onto the back of the treadmill and the floor...where they shattered.  Now mind you, most people have a spare pair of glasses, but I did not.  So there I am, at the YMCA, sweating and blind as a bat.  So what are my options????  Very few at this point.  I take a shower, look at the clock and it's 4pm.  Where do I get an eye doctor and optician at this hour on a Saturday??  Of course, the answer is obvious...COSTCO!!!!  So I slowly, blindly drive to Costco to see if the eye doctor outside the store is even open on the weekends...lo' and behold, she is and agrees to see me even though she closes at 5pm, it's now 4:30 and she has 2 appointments to finish up first.  At 4:59, I'm in the chair, getting the eye exam and trying to figure out what do I do without glasses in the meantime???? Of course she had the answer...temporary contacts.  I wore contacts years and years ago and after 5 or 6 years, got tired of the hassle and went back to my glasses.  But what else was there for me to do?  Nada...that's what!  So the doctor gave me 2 pair of temp contacts and told me to go get a pair of 125 drug store reading glasses.  The contacts serve great for far vision, but up close leave me still blind as a bat.  Hence the reading glasses.  So at this point I've had the contacts for 3 days, still don't like them any better than day one and can't wait until I get my glasses back sometime next week.  What was supposed to be a short trip to the Y turned into an all day affair.  I had plans...well not really plans, but I had thought the day through.  After I was convinced to go to the YMCA by my "friends", I decided I'd first go to Bandido's and get some salsa to take over to the Minnick's for Jay's birthday and their upcoming trip to Lake Junaluska.  So I went and got the salsa, went to the Y and then instead of making the trip to Raleigh in the mid afternoon, it was more like 7:30pm when I got there.  Nothing like busting in on friends trying to have a peaceful dinner.  But ever the gracious family, they invited me in and by the time I left, I had enough food for a week!  I love me some Minnicks!!!!!

Sunday was just the norm, church and then home with a nap on the couch while the torrents of rain fell around me.  Lake Holland-Lupton was in full force in the backyard up until bed last night.  Today it's more like Swamp Holland-Lupton.  With an 80% chance of more rain tomorrow, the lake might return.  At least it's only in the 80's this week, but let's face it folks...this humidity is brutal.  I took tonight off from the Y but will be back in my routine tomorrow evening after work.  With the holiday thrown in here this week, my schedule will be way off.  But I figure I can get Tuesday, Wednesday, Saturday and possibly Sunday if no more tragedy befalls me on Saturday.

Emotionally, it's been better.  Mark Boliek went with me to the Y last Friday evening and it was nice to get to spend some time with him and to have someone to talk with while there.  I got the information for the 2013-14 Communications committee at PGUMC that I am chairing so I'm trying to get in touch with all the members so hopefully before summer's end we can at least have one meeting where if nothing else we can get to know each other and set up a schedule for future meetings.  Also last week, there was the SCOTUS ruling on DOMA and Prop 8 in California.  I so wish Joe had lived to see this.  He was so looking forward to seeing DOMA dismantled.  I know he's watching, but it would have been so nice to have been able to come home from work, give him a hug and kiss and watch the evening news with all the celebrations.  But that didn't happen.  But I will be inquiring about the necessary paperwork to apply for his SSN benefits.  Hopefully, since we were legally married at the time of his death, the powers that be won't come up with some rule that it's not applicable for those recently deceased.  I don't really have my hopes up, but I'm going to give it a try.  Seems logical to me, but then I'm not the most logical person anyway.  We'll see what happens.

Vacation is now officially less than 2 weeks away (July 13th....YAY!!!!!).  As long as I have glasses, I will be ready for driving, rest and relaxation.

Thank you for all the well wishes and good thoughts.  I am still extremely appreciative for all the support I continue to receive from my friends and family.  Speaking of family, please say a prayer for my sister-in-law Bettie as she goes through some medical issues this week.  Thank you and I hope everyone has a wonderful Fourth of July celebration!

NO MATTER WHAT

No matter what they tell us 

No matter what they do 

No matter what they teach us 

What we believe is true 

No matter what they call us 

However they attack 

No matter where they take us 

We'll find our own way back 

I can't deny what I believe 

I can't be what I'm not 

I know I'll love Joe forever 

I know no matter what 

If only tears were laughter

If only night was day 

If only prayers were answered 

Then we would hear God say 

And I will keep you safe and strong 

And shelter from the storm 

No matter where it's barren 

A dream is being born 

No matter who they follow 

No matter where they lead 

No matter how they judge us 

I'll be everyone you need 

No matter if the sun don't shine 

Or if the skies are blue 

No matter what the end is 

My life began with you 

I can't deny what I believe 

I can't be what I'm not 

I know this love's forever 

That's all that matters now 

I know no matter what