A Disconcerting Week

This week I learned something that I had not known.  I wasn't being nosey, but I came across an email that Joe had sent back in February of 2012 that contained some information of which I was unaware.   I still check Joe's email and Facebook on a regular basis.  I haven't quite been able to bring myself to delete either.  Since it isn't costing anything, why do it, right?  Exactly!   Anyway, last week there was an email on Joe's account from a college friend of his who was trying to contact me.  She didn't have my email and took a chance that I might be still checking his.   Of course, she was right.  She just wanted to touch base with me and see how I was doing.   It was a very sweet and caring gesture.   The email she sent was in response to a string of correspondence between her and Joe going back to 2010.   Therefore, all the previous emails were there.   Not in an effort to be nosey, but just because they were Joe's words, I started reading the correspondence back and forth.  They only corresponded sporadically so there would be a month of two in between emails.   That was when I saw the one from February of 2012.  The friend from UNC-G, who is a cancer survivor, had commented on making it to a landmark of time without a recurrence of her cancer and Joe responded with "after my surgery when they couldn't remove the tumor, the doctor told me I would have only about four months to live.   It's been 12 months and I'm still here."

I was never aware of any doctor giving Joe a time period of life expectancy.   What must he have been feeling with that knowledge?  I'm sure that when he responded so well to his chemo treatments for over a year, it must have been a big relief.   We were both so thrilled that he responded so well for so long.   But I didn't know he was ever told that.  I don't even know which doctor said it.  Was it the surgeon while he was still in the hospital?  Was it Dr. Zafar?   If so, did Joe ask him not to mention anything to me?  I know why he would not have wanted me to know.  He loved me.  It would have caused me even more worry....if that is humanly possible.  I'm not mad at him for not telling me, but I wish I had known.   It has just made me so sad this week.  We shared the whole journey, but he carried this burden alone.   I don't know exactly how I am feeling.  Maybe I feel hurt that he didn't share.   But I know why he didn't.   He did it to protect me.  He didn't say anything in an effort to save me more anxiety.  He did it out of love.  Only now he is gone and I can't comfort him.   I can't help him.  I can't do what I was supposed to do.  All I can do is miss him and cry.

But I can do something for others.   For people dealing with cancer.  Be they patients, caregivers, family or friends.  That is why the Relay For Life is so important.  Only through fundraising for research can we one day hope to eradicate this disease in all it's many forms.  No one should have to deal with this.   Children like Paxton should not have to go through chemotherapy.  Young families like Kaitlan & Brian should be enjoying their children rather than watching one of them suffer.   Caroline and so many others, including me, should not still grieve for the loss of a parent.  I shouldn't have sleepless nights thinking about what could have been.  But this is all of our realities.  This is where we are.  To move forward and help others, we need as many people as possible to join our Relay for Life team, or make a donation if possible.  If you can, click the link below to donate now.  I know this sounds like a broken record, but it is that important to me so I will keep asking......and asking.  I will think of my Joe and ask again.

DONATE TO RELAY FOR LIFE

Birthday Week Comes to a Close

Although I had not dreaded my birthday week as much as I did Joe's, I still had my reservations as it was just another first.  Also, Joe always made such a fuss over my birthday.  Much more than I made over his.  I always got gifts and presents from him as well as gifts and cards from our pets.  It was always amusing how he would try to disguise his handwriting when he signed cards from Dolly or our little boy kitties when they were alive.  I would always just roll my eyes and Joe would grin so big. Although so silly, he got such a kick out of it.   But then he was nothing if not silly at times.  But that was just another way he expressed his love and I had to love him for it!

However, the week turned into a good one.  Monday was just another day so nothing to write about there.   On Tuesday I had my scheduled counseling session at the Duke Cancer Center (I'm now on the every other week plan) and then after that I went over to PGUMC to meet Caroline and Kevin to do my part for the Relay for Life video that we are doing for the PGUMC Relay team.  Although emotional, it was something I very much wanted to do and a cause I very much wanted to participate in.  I had not signed up yet for the Relay for Life team so when I got home, I did just that, made my donation and got to work setting myself a goal and then started my campaign to get people to donate in support of the cause.  Yes, you are right..you know where I'm headed.  Another plea for a donation in support of my Relay for Life.  When it comes to cancer, I have no pride and will beg.   When it comes to my Joe and what he went through, what I have gone through and the grief of losing him, I will beg again.   I know these are uncertain times for many people financially.  I know that everyone can not donate.   If you can't, I completely understand but for those that can spare a few dollars, please give.  It is an incredibly worthwhile cause.   It's not for me, it's not for PGUMC, it is for cancer research, for cancer patients, for cancer survivors and those that did not survive this incredibly horrible disease.  Click below to donate.

DONATE TO RELAY FOR LIFE

That brought me to Wednesday and my birthday.  I went to work as usual but had my elective CE class in the afternoon from 1:30-5:30 pm.   Any local REALTORs out there that have ever had a CE class with Bill Gallagher know that it is quite amusing and by and large preferable to an afternoon of work. At 7:30 I met a group of friends for dinner at Angus Barn.   My very good friend Mike Heath had coordinated and planned everything.  Along with Johnny Hall who works at Angus Barn, my friends made this a wonderful evening.  Of course the food was excellent as always, but the best part was just being with a wonderful group of friends.  We talked and laughed and had a good time.   I can't thank them enough for coming out to celebrate my birthday and at the same time, remember Joe and how important he was to all of us.  It really was a special evening.   Thank you Mike, Johnny, Jeff, Jill, Mark, Artie, Lara and Joe.  You have no idea how much that evening meant to me.  Also, thank you for the gifts!

Johnny lights the candles as the fireworks are ablaze

Left to right: Joe Wood, Lara Hamblen Wood, Mike Heath, me, Artie Cline, Jill Boliek, Mark Boliek, Johnny Hall, Jeff Whicker

A better group of friends would be impossible to have!

Thursday I was still stuffed and I just barely made it through the day.  I have become an early to bed kinda guy and we didn't leave the Angus Barn until 10:00pm so after winding down Wednesday night, I didn't get my required amount of sleep.  Thus, my dragging around on Thursday.  However I went to bed early Thursday night so today was much better.  That along with the rain made for a very nice day.  This weekend will be more yard work, UGH!!, and reading the book that our book club is reading.  I didn't get the last one finished so I am determined to finish this one.

Thank you to everyone who sent Happy Birthday wishes both on Facebook and cards by mail.  Each one put a smile on my face and warmed my heart.  Thank you to everyone who has already donated to Relay for Life.  I so very much appreciate it.  Many thanks and lots of love to all of you.

A Chance to Better Myself

I've mentioned this to several people over the years that I had a desire to one day if at all possible take some college courses just for the sake of learning. You know, learn stuff just for heck of it. Not worry about grades or tests but just take or audit some university level courses on topics that I found of interest. Joe and I had several conversations on the subject over the years and we planned that at some point when I was able to retire, I would do just that. If Joe was also interested, he would do it with me. He liked the idea but having been in the classroom setting as a teacher for so many years, didn't completely share my enthusiasm. Can't imagine why. 😊

Anyway, now I have an opportunity to try it out, thanks to Duke. I may not be retired, but I do have lots of "extra" time on my hands. So with that in mind and with the opportunities that Duke has for alternative learning, I am officially enrolled in my first course. "HEALTHCARE INNOVATIONS" No auditing, actual learning. Course syllabus and all. I even get a certificate upon completion. Yeah, not what I imagined in my discussions with Joe, but I'm excited about the opportunity. Of course, my choice of courses was "Joe based". Hopefully I will find it interesting and stick with it. Who knows, maybe I'll end up a scholar! Haha!! But it is a chance to gain knowledge and better myself. A little education never hurt anyone.

Only time will tell what I'm getting myself into.   Tomorrow however, I have a counseling session at the Duke Cancer Center during my lunch time and then after work a quick trip over to the church for a little project.  I'm thinking Lynwood Grill might be in my dinner plans.  This Wednesday is the big day.....yeppers, My Birthday!  I'm going to do my best to keep my wits about me and not think too much about what my birthdays have been like in the past.  This will be another first but I'm going to try really hard to keep smiling.  My dinner will be at Angus Barn that night so that is most definitely something to look forward to!!

And this evening, Kaitlan posted on Facebook that the doctors are letting Paxton go home tomorrow. Another reason to smile.

I am so grateful for the many birthday wishes I have already received.  I have wonderful friends and family and I am so thankful for all of you.

First Duke Hospital Visit

I made my first trip to Duke Hospital since Joe's death today. First let me just report that I did go by and see Brian, Kaitlin, and Paxton Phelps. Paxton is doing well although having a little pain from the procedures from yesterday. He seems to have tolerated his first chemo treatment quite well. He was active playing the Wii and having a reasonably good day. The pain was stemming from his hip where they had done the procedure on Friday. They have given him Zofran to combat the nausea before and after his treatment. He will be at Duke at least until Friday and then after coming home will continue his treatments on a weekly basis. Kids are so resilient that if it wasn't for the fact that he was in a hospital bed you wouldn't know that he was sick. Kaitlin and Brian are handling it as well as can be expected. Of course it is difficult on them. They seem very happy with their oncology team and the care that Paxton is getting at Duke. I even got to visit with my good friend Courtney (Their sister in law and Paxton's aunt) who was also up there with him. Everyone is extremely optimistic but they still need your prayers and support.

Before I visited Paxton on the fifth floor I made my first visit since Joe's death up to the 9300 unit. As I walked down the hall I wasn't sure whether I wanted there to be any nurses there that I knew or whether I wanted there to be no one that i knew. The first person that I saw as I rounded the corner was Kim the dietitian who had taken such good care of Joe and always make sure he had tea for breakfast since he doesn't drink coffee. She gave me a big hug, expressed her sympathy and I cried. Next up was Grace, one of the nurses that had taken such good care of Joe.  She is also the nurse that always gave us extra blue socks. The first words out of her mouth were "are you up here for socks?" She had a big smile on her face and it made me smile. We talked for a while, I cried, she expressed her sympathy and inquired as to what my support system was. I then moved on down the hall and saw yet another nurse that had taken such good care of Joe and we talked for a while too. She told me that they had the picture of Joe from the card I had sent to the floor posted on the wall around the corner. As I left from her I went down that hall and sure enough there was the card with Joe smiling that wonderful smile of his. I had a really good cry then and then left the floor. However before getting on the elevators I took a moment to get a purple pancreatic Cancer ribbon, write " rest in peace my love, Joe Lupton" and tied it on the frame that they have outside the elevators of the multicolored ribbons for different cancers. I then got one of the orange ones for leukemia and wrote Paxton's name on it too. If anyone is ever up at Duke, please go up to the ninth floor just outside the elevator and see the ribbons where you can write names of your loved ones who are dealing with or have dealt with cancer. After you write their name, tie it to the frame. Over time the ribbons cascade to the floor. In January the length of the ribbons was about 12 feet. They must have recently removed those and started anew as the frame is just starting to be covered. All of the colors are quite beautiful and quite sad at the same time as it represents so many people who have dealt with or are dealing with this dreaded disease. Joe, your name is there again as I lift prayers for you and for me. Paxton your name is there now as I lift a prayer for you.

Going to the 9300 unit was a big step for me and the last hurdle of going back to Duke and the place where I have so many memories.

Thank you to everyone for your continued prayers and support and thank you for remembering Paxton. God bless you all.

A Special Prayer Request

Tonight I would like to ask for a special prayer request for friends of mine. A family who attend Pleasant Grove United Methodist Church just found out this week that one of their young children, Paxton, has Type B ALL (Leukemia). Brian and Kaitlin Phelps noticed a change in Paxton this past weekend and acted very quickly by getting him to a doctor. He is currently at Duke Hospital where he will be for the next couple of weeks. Besides a myriad of tests, he has had a port put in for the chemotherapy and had his first treatment tonight. He will have another on Monday. I hope to have more information on what treatments he will be getting later this weekend. This young family is facing a fight but have faced it head on with strength, spirit and grace. Please say a prayer for Paxton and the entire Phelps family. Kaitlin was a former choir member of Joe's and a big cheerleader of his during his battle with pancreatic cancer. Brian, our "go to tech guy" at church was always there to make sure the sound for every special music occasion that Joe had went off without a hitch. If Joe were here, he would be the first person in line to stand beside them and support them in this time of need.

Please remember them tonight and in the days and weeks ahead. Support, prayers and God's grace will be needed. Paxton is a fighter and I'm sure with the medical care he will be receiving at Duke, will come through this with a smile and many years from now, look back and wonder what all the fuss was about.

God bless and keep you Paxton. There are hundreds upon hundreds of people in your corner and praying for healing.

Beware of Stomach Viruses

What more is there to say on the subject?  Beware.  Wash your hands constantly.  Be ever vigilant or you will end up like me the last few days.  However, believe me I am a hand washer and I use hand sanitizer all day long at work but after this bout of stomach issues I think I will have to cross over to the land of the germaphobes.  Think back to the worst hangover you have ever had.  Add to that flu symptoms and diarrhea.  Then my friends you will know what I have felt like since Monday.  It began as just a "not quite normal" feeling and then progressed to what I thought was indigestion or heart burn.  However, the Tums didn't help and about 45 minutes later the first of what would be an unimaginable number of frequent (i.e. about every 5-10 minutes) trips to the bathroom to throw up.  Other things occurred but let's just say in order for there not to have been any clean up issues, I would have had to have two toilets right next to each other.  I hope you have the picture and I won't elaborate any further.  Of course after a while there just isn't anything to come up but yet the body still makes you want to.  I now know I have abdominal muscles underneath my flabby belly as it hurts to cough or sneeze at this point from the cramping and spasms of Monday and Tuesday.  I also had fever and chills.  My feet have never felt so cold even though I had on two pair of socks, was under a flannel sheet, thick comforter and a quilt folded over twice over the lower half of my body.  This also meant I couldn't sleep.  After 8 hours of tossing around in the bed on Monday evening and night (when I wasn't in the bathroom) I came downstairs to the family room and layed on the couch (when I wasn't in the bathroom).  The couch was home from 2am until 7:30pm on Tuesday.  First on one end and then the other.  Laying down, sitting up, half sitting up.  Any and all positions.  Jill came over in the afternoon and brought me some fruit punch Gatorade and some mini saltine crackers.  That was my in-take for Tuesday.  One 12 oz bottle of Gatorade and 7 mini saltines.  But at least it stayed down last night.  By 8 pm I was back up in bed after taking two sleeping pills and my sinus medication.  But I slept.  I didn't regain consciousness until just before 6am this morning.  When I woke up, I felt good.  As the day wore on I slowly began to wear down but I did drink two more 12 oz bottles of Gatorade,  ate at least 20 mini saltines and had chicken soup for lunch.  Dinner was soup again, more saltines but this time with a little peanut butter on them.  The best part, it has all stayed with me and tonight, although tired, I feel almost, well maybe that's pushing it, maybe partly semi normal.  I think sleep tonight and then REAL FOOD tomorrow will put me fully in recovered mode.

I had a wonderful Easter weekend though.  After the services on Sunday (which by the way I'm convinced is where I got the bug via the offering plate since I was ushering) I went over to the Sullivan's for lunch and then to the Minnick's for dinner.  I had a great time with both families and am most grateful to them for including me in their Easter festivities.

Thank you to every one who continues to remember me in their thoughts and prayers.  I am a very blessed person to have so many people who care about me.

Early Lives

In some ways, the early lives of me and Joe were similar, but in most ways very different.  We both grew up in North Carolina and were raised Southern Baptist.  Mind you, the Southern Baptist of the 50’s, 60’s and early 70’s were not the same as the Southern Baptist of today.  While yes, we were taught the word of Christ and had a very strict “code of conduct” at the time we were being broughtup in  the church, the more conservative fringe had not taken over.  There was still a sense of progressive thinking on many topics and theologically speaking, more in line with the other mainline Protestant faiths.  That changed in the mid 70’s as both of us were nearing high school graduation and then on to college.  The early Baptist upbringing did however instill a good basic knowledge of the tenants of the faith that we each developed throughout our lives.  But this is where our paths started to differ with regard to faith.

Since Joe was a church musician since his junior high school days, he continued with a church job through high school, college and throughout the rest of his life.  His faith developed and continued to evolve. Church on Sunday was a mainstay in his life as he accompanied and directed choirs his entire life.  His faith grew stronger and he never wavered in his faith.  I however took a different path.  The church I grew up in had major troubles during my late high school years.  I witnessed less than Christ like behavior from the adults and lay leaders of our church and it pushed me away.  I sought out other faiths, even going so far as to convert to Judaism.  This was not without its own issues as I did it for all the wrong reasons.  Not out of true belief, since I continued to believe in Jesus Christ, but out ofrebellion against  what I saw as a hypocritical church: The Southern Baptist church I grew up in.  Once off to college I left the Judaism behind and became a lapsed everything, not attending church or temple.  Since my high school graduation, I have been in the church I was raised in 2 times. Once in 1997 for my mother’s funeral and then again in 2011 for the funeral of the mother of my best friends growing up.  From the time we met, Joe tried and tried toget me to attend PGUMC with him.  I fought it tooth and nail, only giving in for his special music occasions.  Most notably Easter and Christmas.  I guess I became a “Christer”, those people that only attend on those days.  From time to time I would go when his nagging became too much.  I always enjoyed myself when there and everyone was always extremely welcoming. But my bad experience growing up, kept me from going regularly.  When Joe was diagnosed, I started attending more regularly, and eventually every week. In the summer of 2011, I joined the church.

Besides the difference in our faith routes, there were of course other things that created a difference in how we looked at life.  Joe grew up in a very close knit family comprised of his father, mother, brother and sister.  His family was in frequent contact with his parent’s siblings as well as their parents.  He had wonderful memories of visits with both sets of grandparents and his uncles, aunts and cousins.  Joe was the oldest child in his family and the oldest of his cousins.  I grew up in a family comprised of my mother, sister and brother.  My father died in a traffic accident when I was four years old. I have very limited memories of him and quite honestly can’t tell if my memories are real or are just stories told to me when I was young that I just assume are memories.  Both sets of grandparents were deceased before I was born and since my father died when I was so young, we really didn’t have a lot of contact with my father’s side of the family after his death.  My mother was the only girl in a family of 5.  Her four brothers were older and she was the youngest.  We grew up visiting her brothers family in Wilmington on a regular basis, and occasionally saw 2 of her other brothers and their families.  By the time I was elementary age, two of her brothers had died and so our contact with her family became limited to just her brother and family in Wilmington.  I was the youngest child in my family and the youngest of all the cousins.

Joe used to tell me stories of his school days and they were always happy ones.  He grew up in Roanoke Rapids and attended school there much his life. Everyone knew everyone and from his stories, he enjoyed the fact that his class was smaller in size and with his incredible memory for details, which he inherited from his mother, could tell stories and names of kids he went to school with from grades 1-12.  If he ever had any issues with the other kids in school, he never told me about it.  Joe however was not one to dwell on negative experiences, so I wouldn’t be surprised if there were issues, he just never told me about them.  Maybe it was his size, or the fact that everyone knew everyone, but from his stories, his school life in Roanoke Rapids was a solid, happy one.

The stories of my school life are quite different.  Similarly to Joe, I grew up in a small town where everyone knew everyone.  My early years in school were happy ones as well. The kids that I grew up with from elementary school for the most part remained my friends throughout my entire school experience and some of them are still my friends to this day.  However, during my middle school years, some things started to change.  First, instead of everyone attending Hope Mills School from grades 1-12, they began to build elementary schools and changed Hope Mills School to Hope Mills High School. With the building of elementary/middle schools that went from grades 1-8 meant that students that I didn’t grow up with from outlying areas that had previously attended other schools were redistricted to the schools I attended.  When the new students arrived was when my school experience started to change.  It was no secret to anyone that met me that I was different.  In elementary school I had been called the occasional name, most often “sissy”.  But being a child, I usually just let it go and went about my business.  By the middle school years, the name calling became more aggressive and progressed to more lewd names such as “fag”, “faggot” or “queer”.  Usually the taunts were from kids that I hadn’t grown up with, but also usually, there were kids with the taunters that had known me their entire lives.  I can’t remember a single time when one of my friends ever stood up for me and said anything to the name callers.  That hurt my feelings, but I coped.  I understood peer pressure.  I was under a lot of peer pressure, just a different kind.  I just concentrated on my school work and basically stopped any type of after school activity where the environment might not be controlled as easily by an adult or teacher.  By high school, Cumberland County had grown significantly and my sophomore year, 3 new high schools opened in one year.  This meant a lot of redistricting.  Mostly it meant an influx of large quantities of people that I didn’t know and didn’t know me.  At the time, the school that I attended, South View Senior High was the largest in the county.  Even with just 10^th, 11^thand 12^th grades we numbered nearly 1500.  To say I enjoyed high school would be acomplete lie.  Yes there were parts that I have fond memories of, but those are mostly just due to close friends and a teacher or two.  By the 10^thgrade with all the new kids around, the taunting escalated.  Today we would call it bullying or harassment.  Back then I just called it misery.  Even though I was significantly taller than most, I was also very thin.  By 10^thgrade I was my current 6’5”, but I also weighed around 150 lbs.  I would regularly be shoved into lockers, called names in the hall, bumped into in the cafeteria when taking my tray to a table and other forms of intimidation. My only respite was in class.  At least there, the teacher usually had some semblance of control.  So I continued to study and get good grades.  A basic high school nerd with a few “cool” friends from my childhood.  My junior year was when it really got bad for me. One day during class change, as I was going down the stairs from the 2^ndto the 1^st floor, even though at that particular time the stairway was not crowded, just a few students, I felt a distinctive shove from behind.  I never saw who did it.  It didn’t seem like an accident, but it is possible that it was.  Regardless, I went falling down 2 flights of stairs.  Upon landing at the bottom I knew immediately there was a problem as my ankle was screaming in waves of pain.  The other students just passed me by.  It’s possible someone asked if I was ok, I don’t remember.  I do know that no one offered to help.  As the class bell rang, I still lay on thefloor.  I repeatedly tried to stand but could not.  I did manage to collect my books into a pile and I sat there.  After a few minutes, a teacher did walk by and saw me.  She helped me to the office where I called my mother to come get me and she took me to the doctor.  It was only a bad sprain, but I was on crutches for a couple of weeks.  After that and on through the next year, I was very wary of going down the stairs and always held onto the rail, even if it meant waiting until the stairwell was almost empty to go down it.  The name calling continued, the shoving into lockers continued, the threats to be beaten up continued.  Slowly, some of the people that I had known for years distanced themselves from me.  That part hurt worse than the rest.  Friends who just went away.  But not everyone did mind you.  I still had friends, but most of them were oblivious to what each day was like for me. I stopped socializing after school completely.  I remained in a couple of clubs, but rarely took part in any activities, just went to meetings where the teacher/sponsor would be in attendance.  I didn’t talk about it at home.  I didn’t talk about it to anyone.  The first time I ever talked about it was with Joe.  Although bullying in schools is a topic that has generated a lot of press recently, it isn’t new.  It is just worse for kids today as there are so many more avenues for the bullies to do their damage.

College was a wonderful time for Joe.  I have heard stories and stories and stories.  You know someone had a great college experience when they can remember the names of professors and fellow students 30+ years after graduation. Part of that is that yearly Joe would attend various music conferences and music educators’ conferences.  At these occasions he would see people from his college days, both students and faculty.  He absolutely loved his conferences.  He always came back home in a wonderful mood, rejuvenated and filled with stories.  He also kept in touch with his college roommates.  Most notably, Rob Hugh.  Rob was his roommate and his best friend.  Along with Rob’s wife Lola, they kept in touch constantly by both phone and visits.  Two better people don’t exist.  Joe regaled me with stories of running the projector at the Baptist Student Union (you know he loved being in charge of movies) as well as class time and other social activities.  Another item that he spoke of often was the various eating establishments in Greensboro and around the campus of UNCG.  As you might have guessed, Joe loved food.  But he loved UNCG.  He was a devoted alumnus and I never heard him speak of a bad experience there.  But again, even if there were some, knowing Joe, he would not have spoken of it.

My college days were also good ones, but not like Joe’s.  I was more the “wild child” experiencing my first taste of freedom.   While I made good friends there, I didn’t keep in touch for very long afterwards and I couldn’t tell you the name of a single professor if my life depended on it.  I remember all my roommates and the fun we had.  They were all good guys and unfortunately a couple of them met with very untimely deaths much too young.  But my college days were good ones and I remember East Carolina University fondly.

After school our paths took different directions.  Joe bowed to perceived pressure and married.  The marriage was not a happy one and after 17 years ended in a very bitter, contentious divorce.  Having come out in college, at least to friends, I went down the road of a single gay man.  Dating, having short lived relationships and eventually a more meaningful one that lasted for 4 years.  In 1998 Joe and I met.  Joe swore that he remembered me from the days that I worked at Record Bar in Fayetteville and that I turned my nose up at him when he asked for help finding the latest Barbra Streisand album.  I have no recollection of that, but it is entirely possible.  I do however remember very vividly the day we met and every day after that.  After a very brief, 2 months, breakup a couple of months after we started dating (I felt Joe was getting too serioustoo quickly) we resumed our relationship. In October 1999, I left my life in Fayetteville & Hope Mills and moved to Durham to be with him.  We lived for 4 years in the townhome he had purchased in 1998 and then in 2003, built the home that I still live in.  The home that Joe died peacefully in.  Many, many wonderful memories fill the rooms of that home on Mallory Lane.  So much so that it is currently a very difficult decision for me as to whether to keep the house or sell it.  For one person, it is much too large.  Joe and I had planned on selling the home this spring and looking for a one level townhome.  Main reason, Joe was concerned he might become wheelchair bound or at the very least, unable to climb stairs.  A part of me wants to go ahead and make the change and find a small one level townhome or condo.  Something more appropriate for me by myself.  Something that would put me in better shape financially.  But then there is the emotional attachment to the home we built together.  I have been told by friends, family and therapists, to not make any decisions for at least 6 months.  Doing so before apparently results in regret in many people.  So for now, I will take their advice.  Each day I try to look forward and face the day with hope.  My memories are precious as that is all I have right now.  Although at many times they result in tears flowing, eventually the tears stop and I can smile.  I look at Joe’s photos and I smile.  I look at them and I cry.  Both the tears and the smiles are born out of love for him and grief at his passing. However, I do know that I carry him with me every moment of everyday.  Although there is a void inside of me there is also an equal amount of love for him inside of me.  Someday, although the physical void will never be filled, hopefully the love will replace that space inside and the smiles will turn into grins and laughter.  You see, I do have hope.   One of the main reasons is my Pleasant Grove United Methodist Church family.  Take a few minutes and listen to the podcast of the most recent "Ask Jay" episode (Jay Minnick is our minister for those that might not know).

ASK JAY

P.S. I had one of those "Joe is watching me" moments Yesterday. When I went to the Stations of the Cross at PGUMC yesterday afternoon, just as I opened the sanctuary door, his recording from his CD "A Time of Centering" of "In the Garden" began. When Joe was picking out songs for that CD he asked me what my favorite old hymn was. I told him "In the Garden" because my mom had told me it was my dad's favorite and I had grown up with the feeling that every time I heard it, I felt a little connection to my dad who died when I was four years old. So with that, he ordered a beautiful arrangement of the song and put it on the CD. How perfect that at the moment I opened the door his amazing recording of the song began to play. Yes I had plenty of tears and found it hard to read the prayers at each station but I made it. Afterward I sat in the sanctuary alone and listened to the rest of the CD. I could close my eyes and see my love sitting at the piano playing. What an amazing talent. I am so blessed to have been loved by such a man.

A Red Letter Day

Well actually, it was a Red Symbol day. Today the Supreme Court heard arguments about the repeal of Proposition 8. As the tide of public opinion changes in America (the latest national poll shows 53% of Americans now believe in marriage equality - the number was 40% in 2007), eventually DOMA will be struck down as unconstitutional and everyone, gay or straight, will be considered equal in the eyes of the law with regard to marriage. This equality was something that Joe felt very strongly about. One of the reasons, besides the fact that he loved me, that he wanted to get married in 2011 was because he hoped that someday DOMA would be officially ruled illegal and that I might be able to get his retirement benefits as well as Social Security. While that isn't exactly the most romantic of reasons to get married, it was a reason born out of love and concern for me. I'm not delusional enough to think that the hearing of today's case before the Supreme Court will have any immediate effect on my life, or possibly will ever effect me. However, it is a first step towards equality. That equality was something that Joe was extremely passionate about. He was uncompromising in that passion too. Early on in our relationship he was very upfront with anyone and everyone about us. Sometimes even to the point that it caused me concern. In the public school system teachers have to be careful about how they are viewed by students, parents, coworkers and administration. However, from the very beginning I was introduced to everyone as his partner. Meeting his principle in 1999 for the first time, that is how he introduced me. Subsequently, the two principles that followed were introduced to me the same way. Most every parent of a student that I met, knew me as Joe's partner, as did his students. I worried this would cause him problems at work. If it ever did, he never let on. He loved me and was very proud of our relationship and then our marriage. Joe was anxious for today to come. Were he still here, he would be scouring the Internet for news.  Only time will tell, but regardless, we are one step closer as the nation is forced to confront their feelings and fears about marriage equality. Why some fear it?...I have no idea. I would venture a guess that there isn't a single married couple in the USA whose marriage was adversely affected by mine and Joe's marriage on August 19, 2011.

Facebook today has been a flutter with the red equality symbol as people show support for marriage equality.  It has been beautiful to watch.

Since last weeks post not much has happened.  My weekend was filled with laundry and basketball.  This is the one time a year when Joe and I didn't do much together.  Joe tolerated my Duke basketball obsession.  He never complained and always let me watch games.  He of course would be reading, on the computer or talking on the phone.  Another way he showed me love:  not complaining during tournament time.  Besides an ongoing ordeal with Duke Energy, the last few days have been uneventful.  But that is okay.

Thank you to everyone who continues to keep me in their thoughts and prayers.  This week I have had the joy to reconnect with a wonderful friend who I haven't seen in a while.  Thanks Rebecca for reaching out.  I see a dinner in our near future when you are feeling better.   As I said before, the red equality symbol has been everywhere today and it has made me smile.  Some have been very inventive, but these are my two favorites.  Can you guess which one Joe would like best?  If you knew him, it would be easy.   Much, much love and a heaping pile of gratitude!

Just One of Those Days

Actually instead of a day, more like just the last 24 hours. It began last night after dinner when I had the bright idea of syncing my iPad with iTunes since I had not done so since late last year. So after opening iTunes on the laptop, I went into the settings on my iPad to do the wireless sync. Well for some reason the iPad wasn't recognizing that iTunes was open on the laptop and so the sync icon would not work. Therefore I said what the heck, I'll do it the old fashioned way and plug the iPad into the computer. I did, it recognized the iPad and the sync began. After going for about 20 minutes, all of a sudden the laptop shut down and started to reboot. Updates were installing....with no warning. Finally the laptop came back up and then I got the message on the iPad, " iTunes" and a symbol of a USB connection pointing at the word. Well of course I reopen iTunes and then get the message that " iPad in recovery mode. Press continue to reset iPad to the original factory settings." We'll I don't want to reset it to factory settings! I have photos, email, documents, practically every facet of my life for the last two years is on the thing. Then it really hit me.....all my candid photos of Joe for the past two years are there. Every doctors appointment, chemo infusion, trip, laying on the couch, sitting on the patio, hospital stay...EVERY PHOTO OF JOE IS ON THERE AND I HAVE NO WAY TO RETRIEVE THEM. To say I was stressed is putting it mildly. But I didn't get hysterical or anything. No "Holland fit" as Joe called it. I just sat here for 30 minutes looking at the message with tears running down my cheeks. What could I do? I had no choice but to press continue. Calm, sad resignation. So I did and I sat and watched as the software reset. It took about 15 minutes before a message came on the laptop screen asking me if I wanted to name this iPad or did I want to use the old name, "Jeff's iPad". I of course said use the old one. That was when the miracle began. Slowly it started adding everything that had been on the iPad, back onto it. After about an hour, the iPad came back to life, with everything on it...including my photos. Then I did cry.

Today when I got home there was a letter from a collection service wanting $164 for Duke Energy. But the collection was under Joe's name. So I called Duke Energy and lo and behold, the old account shows $164 due and the new account shows a $164 credit. Guess who credited the wrong account? So after dealing with that (talking to service providers on the phone is one of my least favorite things to do), I started heating up some barbecue for my dinner. The barbecue was frozen so I was having to break it up as it heated up. Being the non cook that I am, I managed to knock half of it out of the pan and onto the stove. Being the idiot that I am, I move the pan over to another burner, turn off the flame, then reach for the iron burner stand to get the barbecue out from under. With the burner only being off for approximately 20 seconds, the metal was quite warm. One might say hot. Burning hot. The fingers on my left hand are evidence. Large burning blisters on two fingers. It makes typing fun. :( But the barbecue was good!

Lets hope tomorrow is less eventful!

A Quick Post Before Bedtime

If you read my post from earlier in the week, you know this has been an emotional week for me. (so what is is new, right?)  Yeah, I know same story different week.  But as the week wore on, nothing really got better.  Especially my oncoming cold or allergies.  I haven't been able to figure out which it is.  Early in the week I had sinus headaches so I knew there was going to be at least one day of a runny nose coming as the pressure built.  By Thursday I was sneezing and sneezing and the nose was running. So since then I've been taking a little extra allergy medication and some cold stuff to be on the safe side.  At least I've been sleeping well!  

This morning after watching one of my "all time favorite movies" (Sabrina, the remake with Harrison Ford, not the original with Audrey Hepburn) I drove to Greenville to spend the day with Joe's mom and go to Brittany's 14th birthday celebration dinner.  Oh boy, did I eat.  It's been more than 3 hours and I am still stuffed beyond belief.  I had a really nice time talking with Joe's mom all afternoon.  We seem to be able to comfort each other.   After dinner, I took her home and then drove on back to Durham.  Now I'm sitting here watching b-ball and waiting for the cold medication to click on and drowsiness to arrive.

Tomorrow will be a one service Sunday for me at PGUMC.  I'm just going to do the 8:30am service and then head home.  Jill is out of town so there is no one to have breakfast with and I need to trim the limbs on the trees in the backyard so I might as well get it done early so I will have the afternoon to nap.  Not much better than a Sunday afternoon nap.

Next week will be a week more like I've been used to with a counseling session mid week and lots of listings coming on the market (I've already been warned by several agents at the office -  Whoopee!!! ...please note the sarcasm!)

A big thank you to everyone who has checked in with me and reached out this week.  I am lucky to have such caring people in my life.  Please continue to keep me in your prayers.

Bad Night

I am notorious for bad timing and some would say bad choices. That some would be Joe. How many times did he just shake his head after I had one of my patented "Holland" fits? Those fits usually either followed or resulted in a bad choice. Tonight however, there isn't a fit to blame for anything. Tonight is a result of a bad choice of something to pass the time. That choice? Browsing through all the photos on my iPad. What are most of those photos of? If you said Joe, then you would be correct. I didn't intend to look at photos of Joe but rather initially started looking through the photos I had on my iPad in an effort to get rid of photos that I didn't need or want to keep. However, I documented many of Joe's doctors appointments, chemo infusions, emergency department visits and hospital stays on my iPad. From early during the time of his surgery all the way through the last 23 months. It's like a photo dairy of the changes that Joe went through. Why was this a bad choice? Besides that it brought on a rather intense episode of anxiety, but this episode is in the same week when I do not have a counseling session. Jennifer was going to be out of town most of the week so I opted last week to just skip this week and schedule for next week. It seemed like a good idea at the time. (hint: bad timing) So rather than just sit here continuing to cry and carry on, I decided to start writing.

Tons of thoughts going through my head. Some about Joe during the time of his illness, some about the times before. Some about when we first met. Some about the life we had planned that will never happen now. Joe used to tell me time and again that he had waited his whole life for me. I used to just laugh and say "sure you did". But in reality, I know that he really believed that. I know that he loved me so incredibly much. I felt it every day and I still feel it. Maybe that is why it hurts so much. I know that we had something so incredibly special and rare. I remember the day I told him I loved him and the look on his face. We were standing in the kitchen of my house in Hope Mills after Hurricane Floyd had come through and a tree had come through the roof of my house. That day, he drove down, without letting me know and just showed up. Why, because he knew how upset I was over the damage and even though he couldn't help with the roof, he could be there and help calm me and hold me. I looked at him that day and told him I loved him. He stood there and tears ran down his cheeks. Tears of happiness. He had waited for nearly a year to hear me say it. Such was his patience.

Another thought that keeps coming and coming into my brain and I can't seem to get it to go away is an example of my bad timing and a bad choice. On the night that Joe died, instead of following my usual Sunday night routine of getting the trash together first by getting the downstairs trashcans dumped and then going upstairs to our bedroom and bath, I chose to not go upstairs since we had only been home from the hospital for 2 full days and there was hardly anything at all in the trashcans upstairs. So rather than going back upstairs, I gathered the trash downstairs, took it out to the big trashcan and rolled it out to the curb. Why didn't I go upstairs like I usually did? Maybe Joe was struggling and I could have done something to help. Maybe I could have delayed what I know was inevitable, but he might possibly still be here with us. Why did I make the choice to change my routine that one night? That's one bad choice I will never have the opportunity to correct. That's one matter of bad timing that I will regret for the rest of my life. I discussed this will my counselor and even discussed it with Joe's mom. My head can come up with reasons but my heart can't. I've been told by those that I've talked with that more than likely, there would have been nothing I could have done. Joe had a DNR and DNI order. I could have called 911 until the cows came home but they would not have been able to do anything once he stopped breathing or his heart stopped beating. Some have said it was Joe's choice to die when I was not in the room. That he would not have wanted me to be a witness to his death. That he waited until I was out of the room. I try to take comfort in that but so far it hasn't helped.

So I looked at photos. Photos from the years before his diagnosis. Photos of us together oblivious to what the future held. Photos where we thought we had all the time in the world. Photos where we had no idea what the future actually held. Photos after diagnosis where Joe continued to smile and try not to let on to how scared he actually was. Photos where Joe's smile covered his fear for what my life would be like after he was gone. He loved me. He worried about me. Some nights when we would go to bed, a big sadness would come over him and he would cry. Each time I would ask why he was crying he would always say he was worried about me. So selfless, so loving, so Joe Lupton. He used to ask me why I loved him and my answer was always the same thing: You are the best person I have ever known. Truly a good person. Never having a bad thing to say about anyone. Always looking for something positive no matter what might have been said or done. Always forgiving. Always seeing the best in everyone. I can only remember one occasion when he couldn't offer complete forgiveness to someone. On that occasion, I was livid, having a "Holland fit". He was angry but rather than resort to yelling and carrying on. He handled the situation with poise and in a truly Joe Lupton like manner. The occasion: A student had stolen his credit card number and gone on an internet shopping spree. She was caught. The school only gave her a slap on the wrist but he did press criminal charges. Of course, the justice system didn't do anything either but Joe got the last laugh. A very classy one. Of course she did have to leave his class but during a drama in class performance "talent show" type of production, she had chosen to sing a Broadway tune. Others had planned to sing and Joe had offered to accompany them on the piano. But he told the drama teacher up front that he would not play for her. I guess she didn't believe him, but Joe was a man of his word. When she stepped up to sing her song, Joe just sat there. Stone faced, yet looking her in the face. Hands at his side, never touching the keys. She tried it a cappella but not having someone to accompany her left her warbling all the wrong notes. Joe came home that day with a little satisfaction. Not revenge, but just happy that he had held firm and not given in to the pressure from the outside. The school nor the justice system had helped him, so he helped himself. This story may not paint a saintly picture of Joe, but then he wasn't a saint. Just the best person I have ever known and I expect that I will ever know.

I hope everyone who might be reading this had the chance to spend time with Joe. If so, you have your own stories. I have heard from hundreds of people: friends, students, parents of students, co-workers and family. All have their own stories and memories and they usually involve Joe doing something really good and having a positive influence on them. His influence on my grows stronger everyday. He may be gone but he still is changing my life. I wish with all my heart that he was here and our lives were changing and growing together but that wish will not come true. All the tears that I continue to shed don't change anything except exhaust me. I have learned one lesson from today though. Don't pass up the opportunity to see the counselor regardless of how I may feel at the time. Just because I feel pretty good on the day of a session, doesn't mean I will feel the same the next week, or even the next day. If the opportunity is there, take advantage of it.

So what lies ahead this week. Of course 3 more days of work and then on Saturday I will venture to Greenville for Brittany's 14th birthday dinner. I plan to go early so I can visit with Joe's mother and have lunch with her. That way we will get to spend most of the day together before going out to dinner for her birthday dinner. His mother is of course still having trouble dealing with Joe's death as is to be expected. We talk regularly and the phone calls seem to help us both. If I can help her and she can help me, then it is a win win situation. Besides, Joe would be so happy to see us getting along so well.

Ok, i've typed all that is coming to my head. I'm tired and should probably turn in. Maybe sleep will come soon. If not, then there will probably be a p.s. attached!

I continue to be very grateful to everyone who continues to reach out to me offering prayers and support. I would like to once again thank everyone at PGUMC. If people think I'm a mess now, I can only imagine what I would be like if I didn't have so many people at church helping me. Another thing for me to be thankful to Joe for: introducing me to PGUMC.

(it's late and I have not proofed this so please forgive the bad grammar or misspellings)