Oh What A Difference A Day Makes

I should probably just take the previous post down.  The one with the video where I feel good, I'm smiling, talking about my busy weekend.  It only took about 15 minutes today for everything on my video from last night to fall apart.  Today turned into being much more wide open than I thought and I'm not sure if tomorrow will be anything more than going to the 3pm concert.  I definitely will not be at church.  I also feel like all the progress I've made the last 5 1/2 months has just fallen to the wayside.  Have spent 3 hours talking with my wonderful minister, (bless his heart for being able to listen to me for 3 hours, he's a good man) after sitting in the church parking lot for an hour and a half and then another 30 minutes in the church sitting at the piano and looking at the organ.  Both places Joe should be sitting.  In my head and heart I am right back where I was the week after Joe's death.  Silly that something very small can have such an impact on me that I just want to crawl under the bed and hide.  However I can't do that.  All I can do is sit here.

Another Friday Night and a Busy Weekend Ahead

It's been a good week with three trips to the YMCA, a therapy session and work hasn't been a pain.   But I'm really not much in the mood to type so I decided on a video instead.  Short and sweet!


Thank you to everyone who continues to reach out to me.  Love and appreciation to all of you.

SLOW

Slow is the word of the week.  More precisely, slow motion.  That's what the last week has been like.  Everything is moving much slower than it should.  The work day seems longer, the evenings at home seem longer and time moves slower.  The only time that moves quickly is when I'm asleep.  Can't get enough of that.  It's 8:00 pm now and I'm fighting to not go on to bed.  Last night it was 7:00 pm when I went up to bed.  Saving grace, I found a new TV series to watch on Netflix.   I know that is just sad that a streaming TV series is a "saving grace", but it fills some time.

Last week I was still on a high from Relay but after more than a week that has worn off.  Even my therapist said I just looked different last week.  Wonder what she would say if she saw me this week?  And then there was my PGUMC surprise this week.  Thanks Lucinda.  

Went to the movies last weekend and hope to catch one (at least) this weekend. Plus joining the Y, so hopefully a few rounds on the treadmill, recumbent bike and a lot of sweat in the steam room.  Detox the body and maybe free the mind up for better thoughts.  The Lakewood Y is a great facility and it will help fill some time as well.  Maybe the slow pace will pick up some.

The Week After Relay

After a really tiring first part of the weekend due to Relay for Life, and an attempt at a recuperative latter part of the weekend, the work week started off in typical fashion.   Although the week itself has been rather typical, my mindset has not.  As I said in the post about the Relay, it was much more emotional than I had expected.  Now don't get me wrong, I had no illusions of it not being filled with emotion, I just didn't anticipate the level that I was effected.  Or is that affected?  I can never remember which is which, or which is appropriate.

Saturday I was still trying to catch up on sleep, but in my awake time, my mind was overwhelmed with thoughts of Joe and of the events the night before.  Sunday brought a lovely sermon at church followed by my usual McDonalds breakfast (some traditions continue no matter what!) and an early day home.  I was still quite tired and was very tempted to spend the afternoon on the couch napping, but I knew that would probably do more harm than good by keeping me from getting into my normal sleep pattern.  So I was a very good boy, took no afternoon nap and was able to turn in reasonably early after doing laundry and getting two baskets of clothes folded and put away.  YAY for me!  I had been using one clothes basket all week since my drawers were empty.  But Sunday, I folded everything!  However, all day, I had the night of the Relay playing over in my head and also was flooded with memories of Joe.  So of course, tears were shed.  But also big smiles.

So far all week, thoughts and memories of Joe have been consistently present.  Particularly, I've been thinking about him playing the organ at church.  Over the past few years, I've posted several videos of him either rehearsing or morning preludes at PGUMC on Youtube.  Mostly I would record before the 8:30 a.m. service started and then would post during the service (no disrespect to Jay as I would then be at the 11 a.m. service and pay attention).  I had forgotten some of the ones that I had posted and came across one from last year from just before Halloween when he was at the church on the Saturday before practicing.  I was standing out at the front of the pulpit area by the lectern with my iPad just recording him practice.  I vaguely remember being there but didn't have a specific memory of that particular rehearsal.  So I watched the video and listened to him playing the very gothic sounding music (Joe always pulled out the same piece at Halloween time for his postlude).  When he finished playing the piece, he stopped, looked up at me and waved.  That was when my heart just burst.  That wave has been in my head for the past three days.  I just keep seeing it, smiling at his childlike innocence in the expression on his face as he waves at me.  

I found several other videos that I didn't remember and some others that I remember quite well.  But it just keeps coming back to that wave.  He used to wave at me all the time for no reason.  If I was in the family room and he was in the kitchen, he'd randomly wave at me.  When we would do Facetime he would always end with a wave to me.  A silly little habit, but one I had not thought about in some time until I watched the video.  I suppose as time goes on, I will remember other little, mostly insignificant things that I haven't thought about and will attach importance to them like I now have that little wave.  I have the photo of him at the beach that I had at his memorial service and also at the Relay for Life with him wearing that terrible hat he always wore at the beach sitting upstairs in our room on the dresser, waving at me every night and morning.  Such has been my week.  I have cried no more than usual, but I have smiled a lot.  I have smiled when I think about the 14 years, 3 months and 18 days we had together; I have smiled when I think about the silliness that was Joe; I have smiled when I think of all the people that turned out for Relay; I have smiled when I think of how tired I was and how much my legs, back and feet hurt afterwards: I have smiled when I think of all of our TEAM - we worked together to get everything set up, we worked together to keep someone on the track at all times, we worked together out of love for those we have lost and those that are still in the fight.  I'm excited about next year.  I'm excited and smiling about urging more people from PGUMC to come out for a short while or for a long time.  If you come out, you will not be sorry.  You will feel the energy, feel the love, feel the loss, feel the positive attitudes.  I wish I could capture it in a bottle and sell it.  I would beat that Renee woman for sure!  Speaking of which, she has made me smile every time I think of her and how she approached me and Challie.  

No matter the tears, no matter the sadness, I remember every single minute from the time I arrived until the time I left with a smile and joy in my heart.  Thank you Caroline for making it happen.  Thank you to my donors for urging me on and helping me financially with my efforts.  Thank you to all my team mates for being there for me and for one another.  Each of you inspire me.

                                                        

Relay for Life 2013 is in the books!

I thought I would be asleep by now, but so far it is eluding me.  I think it is a combination of emotions and exhaustion.  I haven't resorted to a sleeping pill yet, but it's looking like an inevitability.
However, while I'm still conscious, I'll make a little report on last night and this mornings Relay for Life.  Not the fundraising, but the event itself. 

I knew it would have emotional times, I knew considering who was on our team, there would be plenty of laughs too.  I was right on both counts but underestimated both as well.  Arriving just after 5pm, I helped with some of the set up, mostly blowing up balloons and hanging chains.  By 6:30, when it was time for the opening ceremony, Team Pleasant Grove UMC was in full effect.  We had a huge turnout of folks to walk and to visit with.  At 6:30 they called for everyone to stop what they were doing and come to the infield stage for the opening ceremony.  Brief introductions, a couple of short speeches and then our Emcee, Kelcey Carlson opened the Relay.  All was good until she saw me in the crowd and that was when the first tears flowed.  I guess my height and standing dead center of the crowd made me an easy target to see and just as she mentioned losing Joe this year, she saw me.  Start the waterworks!

The first lap was for cancer survivors and Paxton was front and center leading the charge.  The second lap was for survivors and caregivers which meant it was my turn.  Start the waterworks.  After that everyone began walking and talking and the Relay was in full force.  I don't know how many laps I did to start off but eventually, I came back to our tents and sat and visited for awhile.  Then after a short rest I went to walking again but this time looking at the names on the luminaria which would be lit later in the evening.  It was only a few steps from our tent that I encountered the first one with my Joe's name on it.  Another 30 feet or so and there was another, and then another, and yet another.  I counted five.  Also as I made that slow lap, I saw a number of ones with Paxton Phelps name and Joel Winters name.  All told there must have been 15 or so in honor of or in memory of people from Team PGUMC.  As 10:00 neared, Jay and I walked over to where one of the ones with Joe's name was on it.  Start the waterworks.  Just after snapping a couple of photos, they turned all the lights out for the luminaria ceremony.  Jay and I made our way to the crowd in front of the stage where after a short speech, they had a slide show with the names of everyone for whom there was a luminaria.  The list was in alphabetical order by first name.  The first set of names were for those in memory of.  So I knew when Joe's name was coming up.  When it did, with Joel's name right next to it, cue the waterworks.  After that part of the slide show was the "in honor of" portion, and there was Paxton's name...cue more waterworks.  Once the slide show was over, everyone joined in a silent walk around the track with only the luminaria to light the way.  I was doing good until I got to the gold one with Joe's name on it.  I had to stop and have a little meltdown at that point.  Within moments a complete stranger was there with her arm around me.  Such is Relay for Life.  After gathering a little composure, I slowly made my way around the rest of the track.

Once the lights were back on, we continued to walk and talk and visit with booths throughout the night.  A big shout out to our team however:  I think we were the only ones that truly kept the relay going.  At no time was there not someone from our team on the track walking.  Not until 8am this morning did we stop.  A special nod to the all-nighters:  Danny Sullivan, Challie Sullivan, Drew Sullivan, Caroline Winters, Leslie Schriener, and me.  We had many others who stayed late into the night and others who were there very early this morning.  A big THANK YOU to each of you.

At 8am was the closing ceremony where the small percentage of persons from last night were in attendance.  Most had already closed up and gone home.  Our team was a hearty one though and we still had a full contingent.  I knew there would be a final lap after the closing speeches but I also knew I was bone tired and so before we were called to the stage, I took my last lap in solitary mode.  Start the waterworks.  After the speeches were done and those left started their last lap, I found myself standing there with Kaitlan Phelps and in need of a good-bye.  As Kaitlan and I hugged, we both gave way to the emotions and held on to each other tightly.  She cared very deeply for Joe and knows the pain I am in.  She is still in the process of a road that I traveled very recently and have a certain understanding.  I gave her the same advice that everyone gave me (but I almost never took...and she probably won't either)...be selfish sometime, take time for yourself, be good to yourself, take care of yourself.  I know the words are easy to say, and I know how hard they are to actually do.  After our tearful goodbye, I walked back to my car in the parking lot, crying the whole way and upon reaching the car, sat there for a few minutes until my vision was not so blurred.  The drive home seemed so long...and that feeling of being alone has overwhelmed me.  As I type this I can see Joe's photo over the laptop screen and I still am crying.

I knew the whole event would be emotional, but I underestimated it's impact.  I had a wonderful time talking with everyone, laughing many, many times, but when all is said and done, I didn't think I would be sitting at home hours later, still awake and still crying.  Perhaps it is time for that pill. 

Before I go though, I need to acknowledge the tremendous amount of work and self that Caroline Winters put into our team.  I could not have done it.  I could not do the meetings, the planning, the business of getting the team together.  I applaud her and I thank her.  I'm proud to have had her as our Team Captain.   Here are just a few photos that I've put together in collage format so as not to take up so much space.  You will recognize many people and maybe when I wake up, I can caption the photos.   This was an amazing experience.  Unfortunately I have now been awake for 29 hours and the rambling is beginning.  Thank you to everyone who supported my fundraising efforts and those of all Team PGUMC members and every team at our event.  I'll share a funny, yet kind of scary story about being tracked down by the person who going into last night was in 3rd place behind me at another time.  I thought I was competitive, but she beats me hands down!

The photos are in no particular order.  The four above were this morning at around 7am as we were breaking down the tents.  Me, Challie and Caroline all took turns standing next to the balloon tent for photo ops.  And yes, in the one with me and Challie, I'm choking her.   After spending the entire night with her, I realize one more reason why Joe loved her so much.  She and I are soooo much alike!

Now I'm not saying that some people crapped out and slept, however, conspicuously absent from these photos is Drew (inside the sleep tent), and as you can see above, Caroline and Challie are equally as beautimous while sleeping.  The lower right hand corner is Paxton leading the charge during the first lap, the Survivors lap.

Not sure if Noel and Kevin Currin are butting heads or feel 2 heads are better than one, but the Sweet South cupcake sale/fundraiser at our tents was a huge success....not to mention delicious!  Early evening when everyone was milling around and having a good time, the lovely Sullivan women and Kaitlan during the balloon blowup and stringing as we set up.

The balloon and tent set up was some of the most fun of the evening.

The hourly event competitions throughout the night were some of the most hilarious, but also most annoying.  From costumes to hula-hoops to elephant snouts to bouncing balloons in very windy conditions.  Team PGUMC participated in them all.  But alas, we did not get the extra $500. 

The luminaria.  Although there were multiples of them for Joe, Paxton and Joel, I snapped a shot of each of the gold star ones and then Jay took a photo of me next to Joe's.  I really was trying to smile in the photo, but by that point I had already cried for a couple of hours and it was growing ever more difficult.   Those little bags with stars cut out and candles inside represent three different stories and three different types of cancer.  Paxton is doing well and we are all pulling for him and I am confident that in a few years, as I've said before, this will all be just a faded distant memory for him and he will go on being a regular, wonderful kid.  Having a regular, wonderful life.  But in the mean time, Joe Lupton and Joel Winters are there on either side of him, keeping the pressure on the powers that be, urging him on and watching from above.

Now as for the previously mentioned scary story.  During the night, maybe 2-3am, Challie and I were walking the track together when all of a sudden this woman comes up beside me and asks me if I am Jeff Holland.  I of course said yes.  She proceeds to tell me that she is the woman who is in 3rd place in individual fundraising behind me and that she is going to beat me.  That in the past she has been the overall winner for fundraising and that she still has plenty of donations to come.  I'm not sure if it was a threat or a challenge.  However, as competitive as I am, even I don't think I would have gone up to a complete stranger to inform them that I was going to beat them.  I'll have to give the woman credit though, she must have one large set of cojones.  Not sure that is what the whole event is about.  As she left, Challie and I had a bit of a chuckle, kept walking and then of course, had some not so flattering things to say about her.  Nothing bad, just 3am, tired of walking, cold, damp, hurting feet type of banter. 

As of this morning, I am sorry to report that although Renee (that is her name) has done an outstanding job, her total sits at $4375.00.   Mine is at $4375.05.  Guess I'm still in 2nd!  Can't imagine where that nickle came from????????????

However, the best news is that Team PGUMC finished 3rd in the overall standings.  An amazing feat for our team.  Never have we done so well.  As of this typing we have....drum roll please..................

$8928.46 

A hearty round of applause to all our supporters and team members.  You are the ones that made this happen!  Thank you.

(P.S. Obviously I am awake now.  I slept for 7 hours straight without moving.  My head is stuffy, I am coughing and blowing my nose constantly.  I think that is what a night in extreme damp, humid weather will do to you when you are in a t-shirt and shorts.   Time now for my first meal in over 24 hours and then I am heading back upstairs to my bed in hopes that I can make it to church tomorrow.)

Fundraising continues through August 31, 2013

Success

That word has such a nice sound to it, doesn't it?  But it can mean so many things to so many different people.  Some people judge success by the amount of money they make or have; other people judge success by their happiness; and others judge success by accomplishments.  I certainly don't have the money to consider myself a success, I have very few accomplishments that I am truly proud of, and of course lately, my happiness has been on the slow ride out of town.  So why label a post success?  Simple.

This week I exercised more than any week in obedience to my doctors wishes; this week I had only one "junk food" meal in obedience to my doctors wishes; this week I have gone to bed early every night with the exception of last night; this week I completed a "homework" assignment from my therapist; and this week I raised more money towards my Relay For Life goal.  So although most of the accomplishments this week were baby steps, for me it felt like progress and that feels like success.  For the first time in months I have not wallowed in self pity.  Yes, I have had some incredibly sad moments, but I worked through them.  I reached out to people honestly with how I have been feeling and they responded, well most of them anyway.  One still alludes me, but I can't worry about that right now.  Bigger fish to fry!

Last night my sister and brother in law are visited.  This evening I hope to take in a movie after I finish mundane chores like laundry and planting flowers in the flower beds and planters.  Sunday morning church and then Sunday evening a house full of activity when two wonderful families come for dinner.  The house will be full of kids and adults.  If its cool enough outside, maybe we can burn a log or two in the backyard fire pit.  Life returns to the house.  My therapist, Jennifer, is proud.  I did what I said I wanted to do rather than just complain about it.  YAY me!

Also a HUGE YAY to my Relay for Life fundraising.  As I type this I am just $29 short of $3000.  Who wants to be the one to push me over??  It could be you, or you, or you.  I'm so looking forward to the event on Friday night.  I know there will be some extreme highs and lows emotionally, but I am so psyched for it.  Joe Lupton would be so proud of me for raising the money and committing to being there for the event.  But then Joe was proud of me for so many little things.  He was just that type of guy.  Wow, it is still hard to fully wrap my head around the concept that he is gone.  I still wake up at night and in my sleepy, groggy haze, reach over expecting him to be there.  It's usually just a couple of seconds, but it is the strangest feeling when it happens.  But right now, I am just so happy that so many people have given so much to support me in this endeavor.  I will not let you down.  I will be there all night.  Walking as much as I can.  Catnapping when possible.  I know I will meet some wonderful people and that part excites me as well.  So with just 7 days to go, it's not too late.  Large or small; pennies or dollars- a donation in support of Relay for Life is a donation to give someone or many someone's an extra birthday.   Click below if you would like to make a donation.

DONATE TO RELAY FOR LIFE

To everyone who remembers me in their prayers, who takes the time to text, email or call, who offers their hand or a hug, I thank you each and everyone.  I plan to have LOTS of photos from the Relay event.  Thank you for your donations and support.  I love you all.

4 Months

It hardly seems possible but it has been 4 months since Joe’s death.  I’ve spoken to several people including my family medical counselor about the fact that even though it has been four months, the pain is as fresh and intense as it was the day he died.  I’ve even asked if someone could circle that magical day on the calendar when enough time will have passed that I will feel better and not hurt so much.  However, I’ve been told by each person that a magical day or amount of time doesn’t exist.  My loneliness and despair just don’t seem to get any better.  Yes, there are days, or times throughout a particular day when I am occupied enough that my mind doesn’t go to the place of what might have been, or how could this happen, or how do I cope with this loss.  But those are such infrequent times.  I’m also grappling with other issues surrounding the loss.  Friends that have practically disappeared.  Friends that I haven’t heard from since the week of Joe’s death, friends that I used to speak with, email with, Facebook message with on a weekly basis, that I have not heard from or heard back from since Joe’s memorial service.  Most all of my friendships were through my relationship with Joe.  He was here in Durham first and developed a circle of friends and acquaintances.  Many if not all of them became my friends as well.  However, some of them have now just evaporated from my life.  That is hard to accept.  Maybe they still grieve and it is hard for them as well and I am a reminder of their lost friend, I don’t know.  I just know I miss them.  I spoke with my counselor just this week about that and her suggestion is just to tell them I miss them.  See if that will re-insert them into my life.  I have nothing to lose if they don’t come back since they are no longer there at this point.  Did I mention that this is going to be a long post?   I guess I should have started with that but if you’ve read so far, maybe you will keep reading.
Another issue that has been weighing so incredibly heavy on me is the emptiness of the house.  I had a bit of an epiphany a few weeks ago when I realized that with the exception of my friend from church who had helped me with Joe’s insurance and retirement, there has not been anyone other than me in my house since the week that Joe died.  No friends, no acquaintances, no one has come to the house.  I have been out to eat with a great many friends, I have been to their houses, I have been out and about, but no one has been in our home except me.  That makes for a very lonely existence there and makes the house seem even emptier than it is.  What can I do to remedy it?  I suppose I just need to be more aggressive and ask people to come see me.  Maybe I will try and arrange a “pot-luck” dinner and invite assorted folks to bring something.  I just need to have someone in the house with me from time to time and I really want a nice gathering soon.  Joe loved those.  I’ll have to look at the calendar to see what if anything other than Relay for Life is on my horizon.  I know that weekend (Relay for Life is on May 31^st – more about that of course later on) will be a wash as I will be up all night and will probably sleep all day on June 1^st.  But honestly, having to ask someone to come see me makes me very sad.

Another issue which I have not directly addressed on here is that Pleasant Grove UMC has now hired Joe’s replacement.  Yes the name of the position is different, but the fact of the matter is that he is the replacement.  That is hard for me.  I have absolutely no ill will or bad feelings towards Chris or PGUMC.  I knew this was inevitable, but it still is quite emotional for me to see someone else up there.  For that reason I have drastically altered my service attendance, giving up completely for the last month on the 11a.m. service and have just attended the 8:30am service.  At that one, where I record the service for the shut-ins, I can stay up in the loft where the sound equipment is, with my headphones on, block out the music portion of the service, not even watch if I so choose and just listen to the sermon.  How long I will be able to do this, I don’t know.  Will I eventually be able to return to the 11am service, I don’t know the answer to that either.  Several Sundays, after leaving the 8:30 am service, I have visited other churches.  I’m not really considering changing churches, but if I’ve learned nothing else, keep your options open.  Maybe with that so called “time will help” speech that I have heard over and over, I will be able to resume my regular attendance at the 11 am service at PGUMC.  I don’t have an answer to that.  Right now, I just don’t know where I fit in at PGUMC.  When Joe was there, I knew.  I was with him, I participated in Bible Study, I watched over him and I made sure he was okay.  My job was to get him there on Sunday mornings and to get him to choir practice along with a few other things in between.  Now, I just go there and feel as lost as I do at home.  Don’t get me wrong, everyone there is very caring and loving and I still get lots and lots of hugs and well wishes.  But I just don’t feel like I have a purpose.  Both there and everywhere.  Could I find a church where I felt more “useful”?  Probably not.  The hole that is in my heart will be there no matter where I am or what pew I am sitting in.  I love the people at PGUMC and they have been so good to me and loved Joe so much.  That is what contributes to making this so hard.  But at other churches I don’t have the overwhelming sadness when someone else plays the piano, organ or directs the choir.  My life is still in such flux that I sometimes can’t form a rational thought.  Probably writing this is one of those times and this makes no sense.

I am still holding firm in 2^nd place in fundraising for the Relay for Life event at Leesville Road High School on May 31^st.  However, the number one position is getting farther and farther out of reach.  The person in 1^st is doing an incredible job and is clearly still raking in money.  I need to double my efforts to just keep ahead of the number 3 person.  So here goes the pitch.

Why I Participate in a Relay Event

Because on January 13, 2013, the most wonderful man I have ever known, died from pancreatic cancer. My partner in life and love fought that dreaded disease for more than 2 years. For more than two years he endured surgery and constant radiation and chemotherapy treatments. For more than two years he never complained but held his head high and lived a dignified life filled with love and grace. If that man, my husband, could fight that hard for that long, then I owe it to him to do whatever I can to help others not have to feel that pain. Because I know I will make a difference in the fight to end cancer. I know that by raising funds and walking in the American Cancer Society Relay For Life event, I will help save lives from cancer. I do it to honor Joe Lupton and the strength and dignity that he exemplified in life.  It's staggering to think that millions of people will be diagnosed with cancer this year. I know from personal experience that when that happens, life as you know it is changed forever.  Mine was.

I need your help.  I realize the difficult economic times we are in and I know that everyone can not make a donation.  However, no amount of money is too small or too large.  Every single dollar helps push me closer to my goal and more importantly, helps add to the funding for the American Cancer Society.  Each of you knew Joe.  You know how he lived his life before and after his diagnosis.  You know that he left us much too soon.  Think about him and consider making a donation. 

CLICK HERE TO BE DIRECTED TO THE WEBSITE WHERE YOU CAN MAKE

A DONATION TO SUPPORTMY “RELAY FOR LIFE” EFFORTS.

Thank you to everyone who has so generously already donated in support of my efforts and thank you in advance to those who may donate in the future.  I am extremely grateful to each and every one of you.

As I continue to go through each day, I think of Joe and I miss Joe.  My Joe was such a wonderful person or as I told him repeatedly before and after his diagnosis, he was the BEST person I had ever met.  Never a bad word about anyone, never a discouraging comment.  He always saw the best in everyone and made those around him feel so special just by his presence.  I will never meet anyone else like him as he was truly one of a kind.  I love you Joe, today more than ever.

A Week After My Doctor's Appointment

This time last week I was all stressing over my doctor's appointment the next day.  Specifically I was stressing over my weight and how much Dr. Kavanaugh would fuss at me.  However, as it turned out he didn't fuss at me at all about my weight because I had lost 14 lbs since the last time I saw him last fall.  He did ask me if I could just walk 10 minutes three times a week.  I agreed and thus far I have kept my end of the bargain and have been walking.  However all was not well as I found out when the last of the lab results came in.  I won't go into specifics but I have to go back in a few months and have some more labs to compare results.  Not pleased, but trying not to obsess or worry (yeah right).

I'm still doing the Relay for Life fundraising.  Last week I moved from 3rd out of the 299 participants to 2nd.  However, today I noticed that our team, Pleasant Grove United Methodist Church had dropped from 6th to 7th.  We will just have to do something about that!  And what would that be????  work harder, raise more money.....(I'm not competitive as you can tell)  All kidding aside, I can't thank my friends and family for all the support that they have shown me by their generous donations.  I am so very grateful.  Upon the advice of some real life and Facebook friends, I raised my goal to $3000.00.  As of this posting I am at $2306.00 with 23 days to go!!  So with that said, if you are so led and would like to make a donation, please click on the link below.

This weekend of course is Mother's Day Weekend.  I'll be going to Greenville on Sunday to spend the day with Joe's mother and his sister's family.  Will be heading that way after the early service at PGUMC on Sunday morning.  But first, I will be going to Teddy Lupton's graduation party Saturday evening in Hardscrabble.  Teddy is graduating from NC State.  Yet another Lupton receives a degree!  A very studious and scholarly bunch.

Thank you to everyone who continues to take time to wish me well, say a prayer and say hello or give me a quick hug.  They are all appreciated.

                                                  DONATE HERE TO RELAY FOR LIFE

New Realities

Not much to report, or I guess more accurately, not much I will report. I've been feeling down for a couple of weeks now, trying to accept some new realities. Maybe not so new, just finally accepting the realities. One big reality is that I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow. My annual physical which lately hasn't been so "annual". More like my 2 years and 5 months physical. I know, I know, I should do it annually. However, my priorities have been elsewhere the last few years if you will recall. I dread it tomorrow. I know topic number one is my weight. I was able to get by with my weight the last few years for any doctor visits because of "stress eating". Is there such a thing as "grief eating"?  It's what I do so it must be valid. I'll get through it since it is necessary. I just hope he doesn't yell at me too much.

One thing I am yelling about is my Relay for Life fundraising. I am so grateful to everyone who has donated. Of course, I still have 30 days to raise more so I'm still begging and pleading for contributions. Just think about Joe. No amount is too small or too big. I'm still hoping to annihilate my goal.  Click below to donate either by credit card or check. (please)

RELAY FOR LIFE - CLICK HERE TO DONATE

Another thing I'm grateful for is a very good friend who sat with me for an hour today and listened to me, talked with me, cried with me. Someone who offered counsel, but understood where I was coming from. Thank you Jay. 

Some Days I Want to Bury My Head in the Sand

No begging, no pleading but there will be a note and link at the bottom if you would like to make a donation to help support me in the May 31st Relay for Life event at Leesville Road High school.

Some days just suck!  It's just that simple.  Some days I just want to bury my head in the sand and pretend that my life isn't what it is.  Actually that should read some weeks I just want to bury my head.  But life has a funny way of keeping you from doing that.  Life, or should I say reality, has a way of rearing it's ugly, and I do mean UGLY, head and slapping you in the face.  Since Joe's death I have tried very hard to keep focused on dealing with the grief by attending regular counseling, talking to family and friends when needed, getting out and not staying in seclusion.  Trying very hard to go on with as much of a normal schedule while at the same time working to create a "new normal" for myself.   However, the last couple of weeks circumstances have made me realize that I have probably just been going through the motions and not really accepting some things that have obviously been inevitable.  I wish I could be specific, but it would probably only make some people uncomfortable and ultimately hurt some feelings.  I don't need to carry that burden too.   However, accepting reality is never a bad thing even if it means making big changes.  Changes that might not be popular but might be necessary for me and my mental health.  I have had an incredible amount of support from family and friends and I will never be able to adequately thank them or show my appreciation.  I owe a large debt of gratitude to so many people.  That is what has made the last couple of weeks so hard.  In order for me to heal more completely, I may have to alter some relationships.  That thought is as painful as continuing on the same course I've been on.  I know this isn't making any sense.  I've re-read it three times and even I know it's rambling.  But when I ramble, even if it makes no sense, I feel better.  So a rambling I will go!

So what do you do when you know what ultimately would be best for you but at the same time you know that that decision would be the least popular with others and most likely would cause hurt feelings?  Really what do you do?  I have always been a very selfish person.  I was constantly reminding Joe of that but he would always disagree.  Love can be so blind.  It was only after his diagnosis that I truly learned what it was like to think of someone else before yourself.  Even though the circumstances were awful, it actually felt good to think of someone else first.  Not be so self centered.  Since his death, I have of course thought about myself, but only with regard to grief.  Not really what is best for me.  Just getting through each day.  One step at a time.  I've made so many bad decisions in my life that I always question myself.  Since Joe's death, I have second guessed every decision I have made.  Life with Joe made it so easy.  He always knew the right decision.  He always knew when to reign me in.  When to say "Now Jeff....".  Back on my own I am so afraid of making a bad decision that I haven't made any decisions.  I've just gone on like nothing has changed except Joe isn't by my side.  Doing the same things, going to the same places.  Assuming that doing what Joe and I always did would be the best thing for me.  But I think now it was just another form of denial.  The last couple of weeks, that veil of denial has been slipping from in front of my eyes.  But the veil may still be wrapped around my heart.  I keep thinking "what would Joe want me to do?".  But I need to start thinking "what does Jeff need to do?".   Heck, I can't even commit to where to go for a week's vacation this summer.  How's that for non-committal?  Aarrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhh!   Maybe a white jacket with really long sleeves in a nice padded wall room is in order.

I've rambled enough.  If I can just make it through to May 31st and the Relay for Life event.  That is still the most important thing for me right now.  It's sort of a finish line to reach.  I hope to raise a lot more money although I have done very well and as of today have moved into the #3 slot for individual fund raisers out of the 240+ participants.  Now I have to focus on the #2 slot.  Although I need to focus on what is best and right for me, I also can't go more than a minute without remembering why I have these feelings.  Joe died of pancreatic cancer.  All around the world, every day people are faced with the same circumstances that Joe and I faced in November of 2010.  Every day untold numbers of people have their lives turned upside down just like we did.  Every day, people die from a form of cancer.  Every day, their families grieve.  Every day.

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Thank you to everyone who continues to remember Joe and to everyone who continues to remember me in their prayers.  Your support is invaluable to me.

Why I Participate in a Relay for Life Event

Why I Participate in a Relay for Life Event
Because on January 13, 2013, the most wonderful man I have ever known, died from pancreatic cancer.  My partner in life and love fought that dreaded disease for more than 2 years.  For more than two years he endured surgery and radiation and constant chemotherapy treatments.  For more than two years he never complained but held his head high and lived a dignified life filled with love and grace.  If that man, my husband Joe Lupton , could fight that hard for that long, then I owe it to him to do whatever I can to help others not have to feel that pain.  I know I will make a difference in the fight to end cancer.  I know that by raising funds and walking in the American Cancer Society Relay For Life at the Leesville High School event, I will help save lives from cancer.  I do it to honor Joe Lupton and the strength and dignity that he exemplified in life.

It's amazing and agonizing to think that millions of people will be diagnosed with cancer this year.  I know from personal experience that when that happens, life as you know it is changed forever.  A Relay For Life event is not only a way to join my community to fight back against cancer, but it is also a way to inspire hope by raising funds and awareness to help those facing the disease.



Who I’m Participating For
My reason for participating in my Relay For Life event is very personal.  It is for the most important person that ever was a part of my life. It is for my partner and husband.  We all participate in Relay events because we’ve been affected by cancer in some way and because a Relay For Life event gives us the power to make a difference and fight back.  For someone like me whose loved one lost the battle with cancer, this is even more important.  This is my opportunity to honor cancer survivors, remember people we have lost, and help raise funds for groundbreaking research, information and services for people fighting cancer.

Why I Support the American Cancer Society
Every day, the American Cancer Society helps people take steps to reduce their risk of cancer or find it early when it is easiest to treat.  They provide free information and services when and where people need it throughout their journey to get well.  They are investing in groundbreaking research to find, prevent, treat, and cure cancer, and are working with lawmakers to pass laws to defeat cancer and rally communities worldwide to join the fight.

I hope you will consider making a donation in support of my efforts.   Together, we have the power to help create a world where cancer can no longer claim another life.

Click here to donate now:  RELAYFOR LIFE DONATION