February 4, 2013

Many people have been offering suggestions as to things I can do to help my state of mind, my state of being.  I am most appreciative of each and every suggestion.  One that keeps coming up is finding a grief group to join.  I am still in the hospice program and will be for 13 months even though Joe was only in hospice for 3 days.  Through hospice, I will be able to join a bereavement group, but not until there is one ready for me.  I have been told through hospice that they typically don’t advise someone to join one of the groups until at least 10 weeks out.  The main reason, they want people who are basically in the same timeline since the death of their loved one so that each member can relate more easily with each other.  Also, until that time, the grief is still very knew and sometimes difficult for some people to share with a group.  I have mixed feelings about the group idea.  While I feel in theory it will be good for me, I also am hesitant.  I can almost guarantee that I will be the only gay person who has lost a spouse.  I’m not sure how well I will be accepted in the group and how open the other group members will be to having me there.  Maybe I’m just being paranoid but that is a concern.  Until then I will be meeting with a hospice bereavement counselor one-on-one.  My first session will be tomorrow, Tuesday, at 1pm.  I will express my concerns about the group aspect at that time as well as share my feelings and emotions that I have been dealing with.  I will also continue to have my counseling sessions at the Duke Cancer Center.  I am finding those helpful, if only right now for the day of the session.  I can continue those for as long as needed and I plan to.

Another suggestion has been to get out and walk.  I find this one particularly poignant since Jay’s sermon yesterday was on just that.  Walking.  More specifically walking on a journey.  I do believe that walking would help and I know that the physical activity would be beneficial.  Weather permitting maybe I can start doing that this week when I get home.  Maybe it will help clear my head, maybe it will help tire me so sleep is better, and maybe it will help me start a new normal in my journey.  My neighborhood is great for walking with plenty of sidewalks and space, so if I can just get my butt up and out the door (that is the hardest part), then hopefully I will make it part of a regular routine.

On Saturday night I wrote a post.  Yesterday, Sunday, was a hard day for me.  I can’t be sure exactly what triggered my emotional reaction at church but I am so very grateful for Chelsea Brown and for Harper & Micah Minnick.  I think possibly it was when the choir sang that triggered the swelling of tears that eventually began to overflow.  This was the first time since Joe’s death that the choir has sung and it was a familiar song.  I tried to look at them while they sang but as the tears swelled,  my vision blurred and I had to look away.  During the following communion time,  I once again began to cry as I received communion and walked by the lit candles.  Since we began lighting the candles as a tangible sign of a prayer or personal feeling, I have always lit one and asked God to please help my Joe.  This week, I just couldn’t do it and had to walk by.  The realization that I couldn’t ask God to help ease his pain and suffering as I had done for quite some time was very startling for me.  Upon returning to the pew, Chelsea put her arm around me to comfort me and then during the last hymn, Harper came up and stood with me with her arms around my waist.  As the song ended, Micah appeared and did the same.  The love they showed comforted me and at the same time made me cry harder because I know they did it out of love and caring for me and out of their sorrow of the loss of Joe.  Everyone at PGUMC is still grieving.  Between services, Ivey and I had a good cry at the altar talking about Joe.  His presence still permeates the physical church as well as the congregation.  I am so grateful to each and every one of the PGUMC family.  Please continue your prayers for me to help me find solace.  I pray daily for myself and for our family, friends and church to come to grips with our sorrow.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.