Success

That word has such a nice sound to it, doesn't it?  But it can mean so many things to so many different people.  Some people judge success by the amount of money they make or have; other people judge success by their happiness; and others judge success by accomplishments.  I certainly don't have the money to consider myself a success, I have very few accomplishments that I am truly proud of, and of course lately, my happiness has been on the slow ride out of town.  So why label a post success?  Simple.

This week I exercised more than any week in obedience to my doctors wishes; this week I had only one "junk food" meal in obedience to my doctors wishes; this week I have gone to bed early every night with the exception of last night; this week I completed a "homework" assignment from my therapist; and this week I raised more money towards my Relay For Life goal.  So although most of the accomplishments this week were baby steps, for me it felt like progress and that feels like success.  For the first time in months I have not wallowed in self pity.  Yes, I have had some incredibly sad moments, but I worked through them.  I reached out to people honestly with how I have been feeling and they responded, well most of them anyway.  One still alludes me, but I can't worry about that right now.  Bigger fish to fry!

Last night my sister and brother in law are visited.  This evening I hope to take in a movie after I finish mundane chores like laundry and planting flowers in the flower beds and planters.  Sunday morning church and then Sunday evening a house full of activity when two wonderful families come for dinner.  The house will be full of kids and adults.  If its cool enough outside, maybe we can burn a log or two in the backyard fire pit.  Life returns to the house.  My therapist, Jennifer, is proud.  I did what I said I wanted to do rather than just complain about it.  YAY me!

Also a HUGE YAY to my Relay for Life fundraising.  As I type this I am just $29 short of $3000.  Who wants to be the one to push me over??  It could be you, or you, or you.  I'm so looking forward to the event on Friday night.  I know there will be some extreme highs and lows emotionally, but I am so psyched for it.  Joe Lupton would be so proud of me for raising the money and committing to being there for the event.  But then Joe was proud of me for so many little things.  He was just that type of guy.  Wow, it is still hard to fully wrap my head around the concept that he is gone.  I still wake up at night and in my sleepy, groggy haze, reach over expecting him to be there.  It's usually just a couple of seconds, but it is the strangest feeling when it happens.  But right now, I am just so happy that so many people have given so much to support me in this endeavor.  I will not let you down.  I will be there all night.  Walking as much as I can.  Catnapping when possible.  I know I will meet some wonderful people and that part excites me as well.  So with just 7 days to go, it's not too late.  Large or small; pennies or dollars- a donation in support of Relay for Life is a donation to give someone or many someone's an extra birthday.   Click below if you would like to make a donation.

DONATE TO RELAY FOR LIFE

To everyone who remembers me in their prayers, who takes the time to text, email or call, who offers their hand or a hug, I thank you each and everyone.  I plan to have LOTS of photos from the Relay event.  Thank you for your donations and support.  I love you all.

4 Months

It hardly seems possible but it has been 4 months since Joe’s death.  I’ve spoken to several people including my family medical counselor about the fact that even though it has been four months, the pain is as fresh and intense as it was the day he died.  I’ve even asked if someone could circle that magical day on the calendar when enough time will have passed that I will feel better and not hurt so much.  However, I’ve been told by each person that a magical day or amount of time doesn’t exist.  My loneliness and despair just don’t seem to get any better.  Yes, there are days, or times throughout a particular day when I am occupied enough that my mind doesn’t go to the place of what might have been, or how could this happen, or how do I cope with this loss.  But those are such infrequent times.  I’m also grappling with other issues surrounding the loss.  Friends that have practically disappeared.  Friends that I haven’t heard from since the week of Joe’s death, friends that I used to speak with, email with, Facebook message with on a weekly basis, that I have not heard from or heard back from since Joe’s memorial service.  Most all of my friendships were through my relationship with Joe.  He was here in Durham first and developed a circle of friends and acquaintances.  Many if not all of them became my friends as well.  However, some of them have now just evaporated from my life.  That is hard to accept.  Maybe they still grieve and it is hard for them as well and I am a reminder of their lost friend, I don’t know.  I just know I miss them.  I spoke with my counselor just this week about that and her suggestion is just to tell them I miss them.  See if that will re-insert them into my life.  I have nothing to lose if they don’t come back since they are no longer there at this point.  Did I mention that this is going to be a long post?   I guess I should have started with that but if you’ve read so far, maybe you will keep reading.
Another issue that has been weighing so incredibly heavy on me is the emptiness of the house.  I had a bit of an epiphany a few weeks ago when I realized that with the exception of my friend from church who had helped me with Joe’s insurance and retirement, there has not been anyone other than me in my house since the week that Joe died.  No friends, no acquaintances, no one has come to the house.  I have been out to eat with a great many friends, I have been to their houses, I have been out and about, but no one has been in our home except me.  That makes for a very lonely existence there and makes the house seem even emptier than it is.  What can I do to remedy it?  I suppose I just need to be more aggressive and ask people to come see me.  Maybe I will try and arrange a “pot-luck” dinner and invite assorted folks to bring something.  I just need to have someone in the house with me from time to time and I really want a nice gathering soon.  Joe loved those.  I’ll have to look at the calendar to see what if anything other than Relay for Life is on my horizon.  I know that weekend (Relay for Life is on May 31^st – more about that of course later on) will be a wash as I will be up all night and will probably sleep all day on June 1^st.  But honestly, having to ask someone to come see me makes me very sad.

Another issue which I have not directly addressed on here is that Pleasant Grove UMC has now hired Joe’s replacement.  Yes the name of the position is different, but the fact of the matter is that he is the replacement.  That is hard for me.  I have absolutely no ill will or bad feelings towards Chris or PGUMC.  I knew this was inevitable, but it still is quite emotional for me to see someone else up there.  For that reason I have drastically altered my service attendance, giving up completely for the last month on the 11a.m. service and have just attended the 8:30am service.  At that one, where I record the service for the shut-ins, I can stay up in the loft where the sound equipment is, with my headphones on, block out the music portion of the service, not even watch if I so choose and just listen to the sermon.  How long I will be able to do this, I don’t know.  Will I eventually be able to return to the 11am service, I don’t know the answer to that either.  Several Sundays, after leaving the 8:30 am service, I have visited other churches.  I’m not really considering changing churches, but if I’ve learned nothing else, keep your options open.  Maybe with that so called “time will help” speech that I have heard over and over, I will be able to resume my regular attendance at the 11 am service at PGUMC.  I don’t have an answer to that.  Right now, I just don’t know where I fit in at PGUMC.  When Joe was there, I knew.  I was with him, I participated in Bible Study, I watched over him and I made sure he was okay.  My job was to get him there on Sunday mornings and to get him to choir practice along with a few other things in between.  Now, I just go there and feel as lost as I do at home.  Don’t get me wrong, everyone there is very caring and loving and I still get lots and lots of hugs and well wishes.  But I just don’t feel like I have a purpose.  Both there and everywhere.  Could I find a church where I felt more “useful”?  Probably not.  The hole that is in my heart will be there no matter where I am or what pew I am sitting in.  I love the people at PGUMC and they have been so good to me and loved Joe so much.  That is what contributes to making this so hard.  But at other churches I don’t have the overwhelming sadness when someone else plays the piano, organ or directs the choir.  My life is still in such flux that I sometimes can’t form a rational thought.  Probably writing this is one of those times and this makes no sense.

I am still holding firm in 2^nd place in fundraising for the Relay for Life event at Leesville Road High School on May 31^st.  However, the number one position is getting farther and farther out of reach.  The person in 1^st is doing an incredible job and is clearly still raking in money.  I need to double my efforts to just keep ahead of the number 3 person.  So here goes the pitch.

Why I Participate in a Relay Event

Because on January 13, 2013, the most wonderful man I have ever known, died from pancreatic cancer. My partner in life and love fought that dreaded disease for more than 2 years. For more than two years he endured surgery and constant radiation and chemotherapy treatments. For more than two years he never complained but held his head high and lived a dignified life filled with love and grace. If that man, my husband, could fight that hard for that long, then I owe it to him to do whatever I can to help others not have to feel that pain. Because I know I will make a difference in the fight to end cancer. I know that by raising funds and walking in the American Cancer Society Relay For Life event, I will help save lives from cancer. I do it to honor Joe Lupton and the strength and dignity that he exemplified in life.  It's staggering to think that millions of people will be diagnosed with cancer this year. I know from personal experience that when that happens, life as you know it is changed forever.  Mine was.

I need your help.  I realize the difficult economic times we are in and I know that everyone can not make a donation.  However, no amount of money is too small or too large.  Every single dollar helps push me closer to my goal and more importantly, helps add to the funding for the American Cancer Society.  Each of you knew Joe.  You know how he lived his life before and after his diagnosis.  You know that he left us much too soon.  Think about him and consider making a donation. 

CLICK HERE TO BE DIRECTED TO THE WEBSITE WHERE YOU CAN MAKE

A DONATION TO SUPPORTMY “RELAY FOR LIFE” EFFORTS.

Thank you to everyone who has so generously already donated in support of my efforts and thank you in advance to those who may donate in the future.  I am extremely grateful to each and every one of you.

As I continue to go through each day, I think of Joe and I miss Joe.  My Joe was such a wonderful person or as I told him repeatedly before and after his diagnosis, he was the BEST person I had ever met.  Never a bad word about anyone, never a discouraging comment.  He always saw the best in everyone and made those around him feel so special just by his presence.  I will never meet anyone else like him as he was truly one of a kind.  I love you Joe, today more than ever.

A Week After My Doctor's Appointment

This time last week I was all stressing over my doctor's appointment the next day.  Specifically I was stressing over my weight and how much Dr. Kavanaugh would fuss at me.  However, as it turned out he didn't fuss at me at all about my weight because I had lost 14 lbs since the last time I saw him last fall.  He did ask me if I could just walk 10 minutes three times a week.  I agreed and thus far I have kept my end of the bargain and have been walking.  However all was not well as I found out when the last of the lab results came in.  I won't go into specifics but I have to go back in a few months and have some more labs to compare results.  Not pleased, but trying not to obsess or worry (yeah right).

I'm still doing the Relay for Life fundraising.  Last week I moved from 3rd out of the 299 participants to 2nd.  However, today I noticed that our team, Pleasant Grove United Methodist Church had dropped from 6th to 7th.  We will just have to do something about that!  And what would that be????  work harder, raise more money.....(I'm not competitive as you can tell)  All kidding aside, I can't thank my friends and family for all the support that they have shown me by their generous donations.  I am so very grateful.  Upon the advice of some real life and Facebook friends, I raised my goal to $3000.00.  As of this posting I am at $2306.00 with 23 days to go!!  So with that said, if you are so led and would like to make a donation, please click on the link below.

This weekend of course is Mother's Day Weekend.  I'll be going to Greenville on Sunday to spend the day with Joe's mother and his sister's family.  Will be heading that way after the early service at PGUMC on Sunday morning.  But first, I will be going to Teddy Lupton's graduation party Saturday evening in Hardscrabble.  Teddy is graduating from NC State.  Yet another Lupton receives a degree!  A very studious and scholarly bunch.

Thank you to everyone who continues to take time to wish me well, say a prayer and say hello or give me a quick hug.  They are all appreciated.

                                                  DONATE HERE TO RELAY FOR LIFE

New Realities

Not much to report, or I guess more accurately, not much I will report. I've been feeling down for a couple of weeks now, trying to accept some new realities. Maybe not so new, just finally accepting the realities. One big reality is that I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow. My annual physical which lately hasn't been so "annual". More like my 2 years and 5 months physical. I know, I know, I should do it annually. However, my priorities have been elsewhere the last few years if you will recall. I dread it tomorrow. I know topic number one is my weight. I was able to get by with my weight the last few years for any doctor visits because of "stress eating". Is there such a thing as "grief eating"?  It's what I do so it must be valid. I'll get through it since it is necessary. I just hope he doesn't yell at me too much.

One thing I am yelling about is my Relay for Life fundraising. I am so grateful to everyone who has donated. Of course, I still have 30 days to raise more so I'm still begging and pleading for contributions. Just think about Joe. No amount is too small or too big. I'm still hoping to annihilate my goal.  Click below to donate either by credit card or check. (please)

RELAY FOR LIFE - CLICK HERE TO DONATE

Another thing I'm grateful for is a very good friend who sat with me for an hour today and listened to me, talked with me, cried with me. Someone who offered counsel, but understood where I was coming from. Thank you Jay.