Do you ever have one of those days? You know the kind I'm talking about. Where you just aren't "with it"? Today started off with waking to the alarm after a rough night of lack of sleep. That was followed by discovering I was out of coffee at home. Then off to work to discover that for some reason my hands were shaking. I tried writing a name on an envelope only to discover it looked like chicken scratch. Solution?....I just printed a label instead. The rest of the day was uneventful and then during lunch I spent the time setting up BillPay. Changing bills from Joe's checking to mine. Not exactly relaxing. But I did what I needed to do the rest of the day and put in my full 8 hours at work. However, the moment I stepped out the door of the office it felt like an anvil was dropped on me. I suddenly had an overwhelming urge to cry, and I did, all the way home and then some. It wasn't until about 30 minutes after I got home that I was able to stop. My sister called and I calmed down. I called and spoke to Joe's mother while I was heating some soup for dinner. She continues to have trouble dealing with the loss of Joe. We have that in common.
I'm a little worried about going upstairs tonight. You know the saying "rainy days and Mondays always get me down". Is that going to be me? Last Monday scared me into counseling. What will this one do? I'm already scheduled to see the counselor tomorrow, so that base is covered. Another trip to the Duke Cancer Center. I want to see Leigh and Dr. Zafar but I'm scared of that right now. One day soon. Maybe an early night is in store. Couldn't hurt, right?
I have to stop eating so much. At this rate I'll be needing to buy new pants soon. That isn't in my budget. Sad and fat. That's just pitiful.
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Tonight the love of my life, my rock, the reason I am the man I am, my Joe passed away. Very quietly and without pain. I am numb, devastat... -
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For regular readers, remember the days when my posts would be clever, whimsical and humorous to read?....well this won't be one of them ...
Pitiful is so far from the truth. You're just dealing with a lot of grief, so don't beat yourself up. As you focus on tasks, add to your list tasks that revolve around taking care of yourself - going for walks, shopping for healthy foods anything that makes you feel better. You're important to your friends and family, don't forget that!
ReplyDeleteJeff- thinking of you tonight. Pitiful would not be the word I would use to describe you. Strong and thoughtful may be more appropriate. It takes a lot of strength to seek out help and even more to walk up the stairs. You are in prayers and I'm hoping your steps get easier every day. Jennifer
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