RELAY FOR LIFE 2015

Ok folks.  And now it really begins.  Just 3 1/2 weeks from now is my Relay For Life event.  In years past, I have been much farther along with my fundraising efforts.  But in years past, I haven’t had the turmoil that this April brought.  April was a tough month in my family, but it is time for me to put my focus back on Relay and see it through to the event on May 29-30th.

My reasons for participating are well documented and I don’t think anyone wants to hear the rundown again.  I will however do the full story if someone so chooses to listen.  The short version, cancer.  Regardless of what kind, is a scourge on humankind.  If you asked every person you came into contact with, if they ever had a family member or close friend who had been treated for cancer, I would almost guarantee that 100% of them would say yes.  For me, it was my partner and my mother.  Both died of cancer.  For me, it’s 3 friends, 2 who successfully battled the disease and have won, one who did not.  I’m not unique.  I’m just one of millions.

In Joe’s case, after diagnosis, he was in treatment for 2 1/2 years before pancreatic cancer took his life.  However, for that particular cancer, 2 1/2 years is extraordinary.  How did he beat the odds for so long? Because research has produced treatments that are more effective.  His oncology team was the best that Duke offered.  But even they could not perform a miracle.  But given time for more research, the advancements in treatment can happen.  But that time costs money.  Money that is raised through Relay for Life goes toward the necessary research to advance treatment.  Study it, treat it, beat it.  

Each of us most likely has personal stories where cancer has touched our lives.   Please help me help others that are hoping, praying and waiting for viable new treatment options.

From 6:30 pm on Friday May 29th until 8 am on Saturday May 30th, I will be at Raleigh Relay for Life on the football field at Leesville Road High school, walking.  Help me by making a donation.   If that is not feasible, come out and walk a few laps.  The atmosphere is one of Hope.  It is both uplifting and sobering.  The link to donate online is below my name.  If you would prefer to write a check, use the same link to print a donation sheet and mail in with your check.  Please remember to make your check payable to The American Cancer Society. 100% of your donation is tax deductible.

“I walk all night because cancer never sleeps” 

Thank you.

Jeff

RELAY FOR LIFE DONATION

And then it was April

March just went by pretty darn quick didn't it?  Well, it did for me anyway.  Work, work, work...and a cold, cold, cold.  My days were in the office, my evenings were on the couch and in bed.  I did manage however, to go to the gym a minimum of 3 times per week every week but one.  The one week when my cold was the worst, I just couldn't get myself there.  I didn't need to be spreading germs in excess anyway.

But that is not the purpose of this post.  Mind you, I'm going to complain, but not about being sick.
Today's topic is having to avoid television shows & movies that I would have previously enjoyed.  Why do I avoid, because of either subject matter or just language.  It's not that the subject matter is offensive or the language is offensive.  The subject matter and the language is not adult in nature.  The subject matter and the language is not interesting.  The problem is, the subject matter and language is personal.  I'm sure that sentence is vague and no one has any idea what I'm talking about.
Some TV shows I've pretty much given up on all together.  A prime example is Greys Anatomy.  Granted, it isn't the show that it was 5 years ago, but it still has some quality plot lines, characters, and is well acted.  The only problem is that in practically every episode there is a cancer patient, or a dying patient.  Why is that a problem, well it inevitably puts my head and mind where it doesn't need to be.  Back in the moment.   This isn't limited to medical dramas either.  Very innocuous things that would normally not even be noticed by other people, set off things in my brain.  Example:  This week's episode of "Scandal".  One of the plot lines was a murder that had happened 15 years earlier.  The wife of the deceased had just died, and Olivia is hired to prove that the wife was the one that murdered her husband and not the man that was found guilty and has been in prison awaiting a death sentence.  The scene is Olivia talking to Huck and she says, "Mrs. whatever died yesterday very suddenly from pancreatic cancer"... - and there went my head, back to the moment.  A perfectly good, entertaining episode of Scandal, ruined for me.  I continued watching, cancer wasn't mentioned again, but my brain stayed in the thought.  But it doesn't have to be so specific to pancreatic cancer, or even cancer at all.  I was watching the movie "We Are Marshall" recently.  I have seen the movie several times.  I know it's sad.  I knew when I started watching, that it deals with the death of so many people.  I was prepared.  When the plane crashes, it's a moment, but it was ok.  What got me, made me change the channel was the one happy moment.  The assistant coach that was supposed to be on the plane, but switched with another coach to drive to make a recruiting visit with a high school player at the last minute, drives up to his house in the pouring rain and his wife comes running out, seeing her husband alive when she thought he was dead.  The reaction, the expression on her face and the emotion exhibited.  Her husband was alive after all.  That moment got me as my mind went to, why isn't Joe's death a mistake?  Why couldn't I walk outside to see him standing there and feel that relief?  Silly I know.  So I changed the channel.

I rarely go to movies unless I have fully researched the plot.  IMDB and Wikipedia have become my new best friends to research and make sure someone doesn't die of cancer in the middle of things. Or if someone looses a spouse.  Or if someone makes a reference to a loved one dying.  It's hard to be spontaneous about entertainment these days.  Always on guard.   To be honest, it's practically impossible.  So I avoid.

Of course this is Relay for Life season, so my brain for the next two months is fully ensconced in cancer.  I'm a bit slower this year in my fundraising.  Not because it isn't still as important as it always has been, but I'm trying to not obsess as much as I have in the past.  I will still send out requests, I will still attend fundraising events (I am really looking forward to "Home Brew for Life") and I will of course be in attendance for the entire event on May 29-30th.  I owe that to Joe, to myself, and to so many others.  If you would like to make a donation to support my efforts, the link to the American Cancer Society Relay for Life site is here:
                         DONATE TO JEFF'S RELAY FOR LIFE EFFORT HERE

Ok.  I've rambled enough for a Good Friday morning.  Time to bathe, get ready for Stations of the Cross at PGUMC and then dinner with the boys.  Have a wonderful Easter weekend folks.  It's a 3 day weekend. WooHoo!!!!!

Relay for Life 2014 is in the Books! YAY!!!!!

Instead of long prose about how this and that was, let me just give you the vitals.  I think you will be able to glean from them how special the night was.

The people at 2014 Relay for Life from PGUMC 

Caroline Bray Winters, Challie Sullivan, Drew Sullivan, Claire Sullivan, Danny Sullivan, Lucinda Sullivan, Kelly Werner, Chris Werner, Mark Potratz, Stacy Potratz, Hannah Potratz, Sophie Potratz, Ivey Dodd, Noel Currin, Kevin Currin, Sandy Jennekens, Martha Brown, Heather Jerman, Donald Jerman, Kara Lakey, Harper Minnick, Owen Cole, Christian Santos, Taylor Speri, Jeannette Day, Matt Day, Izzie Day, Jake Day, Chelsea Brown, Amos Brown, Asher Brown, Nikki Speri, Bill Speri, Kathy Lakey, Micah Minnick, Michelle Baitsholts, Todd Baitsholts, Mike Pfeiffer, Suzanne Pfeiffer, Leslie Schreiner, Martin Schreiner, Adam Schreiner, Tara Hardy, Jack Lakey, Mandy Cousins, Emmaline Cousins, Shannon Hardy, Vickie McGee, Sydney McGee, Allana Minnick, Molly Minnick, Derek Osterhoudt, Lindsay Osterhoudt, Chandler Osterhoudt, Brighton Osterhoudt, Maverick Osterhoudt, Jamison Osterhoudt, Grace Guinn, Harrison Sullivan, Jill Boliek, Mark Boliek and many middle school youth that I do not know personally.

Friends who stopped in from other teams to say hello and walk along side us: Dana Murphy, Sherwin Murphy, Jr., and many more who went unnamed.

HIGHLIGHTS:

• The beginning: cheering on the cancer survivors during lap one at 6:30pm
• I began on lap two, the caregiver lap - walking along side Chris & Kelly Werner.  Tears flowing freely.  Subsequently then walking shoulder to shoulder with Claire, Ivey, Kelly, Challie, Caroline, Drew, Danny, Stacy, Mark, Jill & Mark Boliek
• Pausing at each of Joe’s 7 luminaries as they were put out along the side of the track. Shedding tears each time a new one was seen
• Joe’s name & photo during luminaria ceremony slide show.
• Quiet, darkness filled luminary walk.  Pausing just a moment again at each of Joe’s luminaries, then many, many, many laps over the next 10 hours.  
• So glad to have the middle school youth there to take up the slack when the adults just couldn’t pull themselves up out of chairs in the middle of the night
• Watching those participating in the hour long Zumba class.
• Watching the belly dancer …a bit odd but the husbands & young kids in the first row seemed to have enjoyed.
• The ear splitting rendition of Grease
• The hourly game announcements
• The lights
• The high humidity
• The cool overnight temperatures
• The laughs
• The stories
• The tears
• The aches & pains; the cramps & swollen ankles & feet; the aching backs
• The dazed expressions of middle school kids going with minimal sleep
• The even more dazed expression on adults faces who went with even less sleep
• The breaking down of the campsite
• Being told I came in second only to learn 5 minutes later of a mathematical error and I actually finished first in fundraising
• The loud cheering from my fellow PGUMC team members when I accepted my little trophy for most individual fundraising 2014
• The long last lap around the track and to the car
• The even longer drive home, subsequent shower and brushing of teeth
• The sheer exhaustion and being unable to sleep
• The tears shed sitting typing highlights when thinking back to how this has become such a part of my life.  How did I get to this point?  Thats when the sobbing began.

A huge THANK YOU to everyone who supported me with a donation this year.  I am so incredibly grateful for your financial generosity and your generosity of spirit. Without you, walking around a high school track for 15 hours in muggy, cold temperatures with painful feet, legs & back would be just another Friday night.  But thanks to you, its RELAY FOR LIFE.   Making more birthdays happen with every lap walked.

April: In like a lamb, out like a lion?

Is it April or March that comes in like a Lion and out like a Lamb?  Or is it in like a lamb and out like a lion?  Regardless of what month is associated with saying, or the order, I will attribute it to April.  April 1st the company I work for merged with another company.  Changes ensued, of course.  Now as all of you know, like many people, I have had my fair share of change.  The last few years, maybe more than my share.  I’m not one that embraces change as my own personal history has not associated change with “good”.  However, when there really isn’t anything you can do about it, you really don’t have any other choice but to make the most of it.  So that is what my mindset has been for the last two weeks as the whirlwind of work activity has settled into a manageable routine.  With the merger, one of the guarantees that the owners of the former company negotiated was that staff (me and one other) would still have employment opportunities.  That guarantee made the Chapel Hill office different from the other offices because there is typically only one staff person filling our particular positions.  There are aspects of the jobs that we do that is not replicated in the other offices however.  Therefore it presented a dilemma.  What to do with two people??  Short term answer is that I will be splitting my time between my Chapel Hill office and our corporate office in Raleigh.  The reason for me doing the splitting is because of my particular skill set that can be utilized in Raleigh, especially during spring market.  So for the time being, I will be in Raleigh 2 days a week and Chapel Hill 3 days.  Not a problem for me as I have enjoyed the break from the agents in my office and the camaraderie at corporate…thus far.  Even the commute is about the same with only a 3-5 minute extra travel time to get to corporate.  Is this not interesting???  :)   The point of the above paragraph is basically that I’m going through more change.

Also as April comes to a close, it means that Relay for Life is only a month away.  We have some great fundraising events coming up.  First up is the PGUMC outdoor plant sale going on today and tomorrow at the church.  Three gallon plants, $12-$15 each depending on the variety of the plant.  Come out and get your flowering plants & bushes for your yards.  Spring is here!  Next up will be the “Paint It Forward” event at Wine & Design.  Come out for an evening of fundraising and walk away with your very own painting.  After that comes what may be the most fun: “Homebrew for Life”.  Three home brewers will have their wares available to sample away.  Make a donation for Relay for Life and have a tasty brew(s).  Information on all of these events can be found by visiting the PGUMC website of just email me and I will gladly send you any and all details.  Caroline & Leslie have worked really hard to make these events become a reality and those of us involved in Relay are very excited and grateful.   What isn't so exciting is the fact that I seem to have hit a brick wall with my own fundraising.  Yes, the number has ticked up some, but not what I had hoped for. (hint, hint….sympathy…poor pitiful me).  I had expected a slower year this year than last but I haven’t been quite able to get the momentum going as we head into the home stretch of the last 45 days.  

So of course, here is my plea.  Relay for Life through the American Cancer Society is responsible for more birthdays being celebrated in 2013 & 2014 than ever before.  Each extra birthday represents a person whose life has been extended due to new treatments as a result of research funded by these events.  Most everyone reading this has been affected by cancer in some way.  A mother, a father, a sister, a brother, a husband, a wife, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a relative, or a friend.  We all know someone.  Someone who has been diagnosed, who has battled, who is battling, who has won, or who has lost.  I know a large number of people who have fought and won.  I know a group of people who are currently fighting and who I pray win.  I know those who have not won.  My mom did not win her fight against colon cancer.  My husband did not win his battle against pancreatic cancer.  I walk for both of them, to remember.  I walk for Paxton, Charlie, Mary, Mitch, and Cathy, who either are battling or who have battled and thus far won the fight.  I invite anyone who is reading this to come out to our Relay for Life on May 30th-31st.  Come walk with me one lap, or ten laps, or just hang out and talk.  Feel the energy.  Feel the hope.  Feel the love.  Feel the need.  I know most can’t be there (although if you do, you will be forever changed).  If you can’t, you can be there in spirit by making a sponsorship donation for my walk.  As I’ve said before, last year changed me for the better.  With each step, I feel Joe beside me.  Through the laughter and the tears of the fellowship that we share at the event, we all are touched in some way.  A link to my Relay donation site is at the bottom of the post.  All donations go to the American Cancer Society.  You can make a donation online or you can print off a donation sheet and mail in a check to the Raleigh American Cancer Society.  Please make the checks payable to the ACS.   I ask for your support.  I need your support.

Only as a community working together can we ever effect change and make cancer in all it’s terrible forms a remnant of the past.

Thank you for your time, your prayers, your friendship and your support.

CLICK HERE TO MAKE A DONATION ONLINE TO RELAY FOR LIFE

CLICK HERE TO PRINT A DONATION FORM TO MAIL WITH A CHECK

Relay For Life 2014...Yes, it's time to get started again

Yep, I'm afraid so folks....get out your checkbooks and/or credit cards 'cause Jeff is coming to ask for money for sponsorship.  My walk for Relay For Life will be Friday, May 30, 2014 @ 6:00 pm through Saturday, May 31 @ 8:00 am.  Here is my story:

Why I Participate in a Relay Event 
Because on January 13, 2013, the most wonderful man I have ever known, died from pancreatic cancer. My partner in life and love fought that dreaded disease for more than 2 years.  For more than two years he endured surgery and constant radiation and chemotherapy treatments.  For more than two years he never complained but held his head high and lived a dignified life filled with love and grace.  If that man, my husband, could fight that hard for that long, then I owe it to him to do whatever I can to help others not have to feel that pain.  Because I know I will make a difference in the fight to end cancer. I know that by raising funds and walking in the American Cancer Society Relay For Life event, I will help save lives from cancer. I do it to honor Joe Lupton and the strength and dignity that he exemplified in life. I do it to honor my mother who died of colon cancer in 1997.  I do it to honor my colleague Cathy Walker who fought colon cancer in 2013 and won.  I do it to honor Paxton Phelps who has bravely fought leukemia this past year and taught all of us what real courage is as he continues his battle, heading towards victory. (Go Team Paxton!)

It's astounding to think that millions of people will be diagnosed with cancer this year. I know from personal experience that when that happens, life as you know it is changed forever.  Mine was.

A Relay For Life event is not only a way to join my community to fight back against cancer, but it is also a way to inspire hope by raising funds and awareness to help those facing the disease. All of us know someone who has had, or has a form of this dreaded disease.  That is overwhelming to me.  A disease is so prevalent in our society, that all of us have been touched by it in some way.
 
Who I'm Participating For
My reason for participating in my Relay For Life event is very personal.  It is for the most important person that ever was a part of my life.  It is for my partner and husband. We all participate in Relay events because we've been affected by cancer in some way and because a Relay For Life event gives us the power to make a difference and fight back. This is my opportunity to honor Joe and the incredible impact he had on so many lives.  He was loved by so many.  Influenced so many.  He should be here.  He should be physically walking beside me in this event.  However, pancreatic cancer took him much too soon.  So I will be there and carry him in my heart and throughout my very being throughout the night and the rest of my life.

I have signed up to walk and fundraise in the Leesville/Briercreek/RTP Relay For Life event. I hope you will consider making a donation in support of my efforts. Or come join me.  It is one of the most rewarding nights you can ever had. Last year we laughed alot, we cried alot and we walked alot.  Walking last year was the impetus for me making radical lifestyle changes:  excercise, diet and attitude.  Now I am more than 50 lbs lighter and will probably run some of the laps this year!  The event is filled with empathy, grace and fellowship.  If you haven't participated in one, consider it.  You will not regret it. (Unless it rains!!)

Together, we have the power to help create a world where cancer can no longer claim another  life.
For my Joe.  Joe Lupton. 2/11/1956 - 1/13/2013

If you are feeling even remotely generous, please visit my Relay for Life page HERE .  You can contribute by credit card online or you can print up a donation sheet and mail a check.  If you write a check, be sure and make it out to The American Cancer Society.  The information needed to identify the event I am participating in is on my page.  Once again, you can access the page by clicking HERE.

Last year I far exceeded by primary goal.  I hope to do so again this year.  But it isn't about coming in first, second or third (which I did last year by the way out of approximately 300 participants...but whose counting, right?).  It's about raising money to fund research and creating awareness of this overwhelming disease and the need to find better treatment and ultimately cures.

Here is link to the Luminaria walk from last year:  LUMINARIA WALK - RELAY FOR LIVE 2013

Thank you for the consideration and for your support.

Overwhelmed -vs- Underwhelmed

I'm not sure which I am...overwhelmed or underwhelmed....or overwhelmed by how underwhelming things in my life are.  First off, I could conceivably go "postal" (do we still use that phrase?  It's been so long since one of our postal workers has gone on a shooting rampage.  Students, movie goers and shoppers seem to be more en vogue recently) on a couple of people at work.  Between sheer disregard for the health of others and gossip, it's not safe to be there.  I mean really, if you are coughing up phlegm constantly, running a fever and wheezing with each breath, GO HOME and stop infecting the entire staff.  Also, office gossip is so tiresome, especially when it's not accurate.  I leave work every day in a bad mood.  That can't be healthy for me.  

Then there are the other aspects of my life:  my eating self control has pretty much gone out the window; I've found it incredibly difficult to get back into a steady workout routine since the holidays; and I've been feeling myself slip slowly into wanting more and more solitude.   So work is overwhelming in its irritation while being underwhelming at the desire to even be there.  Trying to get back into my weight loss/healthy living/workout routine is overwhelming because I can't find the self motivation that I had last year.  The desire to just be alone is underwhelming because deep down, that is not what I want my life to be like.  There are smaller things that occupy other aspects of my day-in, day-out routine that contribute to my present state, but I won't bore you any more than I already have.  

The bottom line is, January sucked and I honestly do hope February is better.  If I can only get out of this slump I've been in the last few weeks, I'm going to make some serious changes.  Or maybe I need to make some serious changes to get out of this slump.  Which came first, the chicken or the egg?  I did have a productive afternoon though, and I am quite proud.  I finally went through Joe's clothes in our closet.  I only kept a few items: his suit that he wore at our wedding, his lavender & red Polo shirts, his red sweat shirt, and his bathrobe.  Mind you, there are a few of his things that I have been wearing for several years and have claimed them as my own for all that time, but other than those items, his side of the closet has finally been cleaned out.  Of course now I need to do the same to my side.  I need to get rid of my larger size clothes as well as some really outdated items.  Durham Rescue Mission will be loving me next weekend!

To my friends on Facebook, please consider the "Purple Your Profile" campaign from Chevrolet for February 4th, World Cancer Day.  For everyone who participates, Chevrolet will donate $1.00 to the American Cancer Society.  You can use this link to make your profile purple. (Do not worry, the non purple version of you profile picture will remain in you photos and can be changed back at any time)

http://www.chevrolet.com/purple-roads-world-cancer-day.html

Every dollar makes a difference and this doesn't even come out of your pocket!

My rings are now purple on Facebook....I might just leave them that way.  I kinda like it!

So many people reached out to me during the days around the one year anniversary of Joe's death.  Thank you for your caring, your prayers, your support and your love.  Each of you continue to make a difference in my life.

4 Months

It hardly seems possible but it has been 4 months since Joe’s death.  I’ve spoken to several people including my family medical counselor about the fact that even though it has been four months, the pain is as fresh and intense as it was the day he died.  I’ve even asked if someone could circle that magical day on the calendar when enough time will have passed that I will feel better and not hurt so much.  However, I’ve been told by each person that a magical day or amount of time doesn’t exist.  My loneliness and despair just don’t seem to get any better.  Yes, there are days, or times throughout a particular day when I am occupied enough that my mind doesn’t go to the place of what might have been, or how could this happen, or how do I cope with this loss.  But those are such infrequent times.  I’m also grappling with other issues surrounding the loss.  Friends that have practically disappeared.  Friends that I haven’t heard from since the week of Joe’s death, friends that I used to speak with, email with, Facebook message with on a weekly basis, that I have not heard from or heard back from since Joe’s memorial service.  Most all of my friendships were through my relationship with Joe.  He was here in Durham first and developed a circle of friends and acquaintances.  Many if not all of them became my friends as well.  However, some of them have now just evaporated from my life.  That is hard to accept.  Maybe they still grieve and it is hard for them as well and I am a reminder of their lost friend, I don’t know.  I just know I miss them.  I spoke with my counselor just this week about that and her suggestion is just to tell them I miss them.  See if that will re-insert them into my life.  I have nothing to lose if they don’t come back since they are no longer there at this point.  Did I mention that this is going to be a long post?   I guess I should have started with that but if you’ve read so far, maybe you will keep reading.
Another issue that has been weighing so incredibly heavy on me is the emptiness of the house.  I had a bit of an epiphany a few weeks ago when I realized that with the exception of my friend from church who had helped me with Joe’s insurance and retirement, there has not been anyone other than me in my house since the week that Joe died.  No friends, no acquaintances, no one has come to the house.  I have been out to eat with a great many friends, I have been to their houses, I have been out and about, but no one has been in our home except me.  That makes for a very lonely existence there and makes the house seem even emptier than it is.  What can I do to remedy it?  I suppose I just need to be more aggressive and ask people to come see me.  Maybe I will try and arrange a “pot-luck” dinner and invite assorted folks to bring something.  I just need to have someone in the house with me from time to time and I really want a nice gathering soon.  Joe loved those.  I’ll have to look at the calendar to see what if anything other than Relay for Life is on my horizon.  I know that weekend (Relay for Life is on May 31^st – more about that of course later on) will be a wash as I will be up all night and will probably sleep all day on June 1^st.  But honestly, having to ask someone to come see me makes me very sad.

Another issue which I have not directly addressed on here is that Pleasant Grove UMC has now hired Joe’s replacement.  Yes the name of the position is different, but the fact of the matter is that he is the replacement.  That is hard for me.  I have absolutely no ill will or bad feelings towards Chris or PGUMC.  I knew this was inevitable, but it still is quite emotional for me to see someone else up there.  For that reason I have drastically altered my service attendance, giving up completely for the last month on the 11a.m. service and have just attended the 8:30am service.  At that one, where I record the service for the shut-ins, I can stay up in the loft where the sound equipment is, with my headphones on, block out the music portion of the service, not even watch if I so choose and just listen to the sermon.  How long I will be able to do this, I don’t know.  Will I eventually be able to return to the 11am service, I don’t know the answer to that either.  Several Sundays, after leaving the 8:30 am service, I have visited other churches.  I’m not really considering changing churches, but if I’ve learned nothing else, keep your options open.  Maybe with that so called “time will help” speech that I have heard over and over, I will be able to resume my regular attendance at the 11 am service at PGUMC.  I don’t have an answer to that.  Right now, I just don’t know where I fit in at PGUMC.  When Joe was there, I knew.  I was with him, I participated in Bible Study, I watched over him and I made sure he was okay.  My job was to get him there on Sunday mornings and to get him to choir practice along with a few other things in between.  Now, I just go there and feel as lost as I do at home.  Don’t get me wrong, everyone there is very caring and loving and I still get lots and lots of hugs and well wishes.  But I just don’t feel like I have a purpose.  Both there and everywhere.  Could I find a church where I felt more “useful”?  Probably not.  The hole that is in my heart will be there no matter where I am or what pew I am sitting in.  I love the people at PGUMC and they have been so good to me and loved Joe so much.  That is what contributes to making this so hard.  But at other churches I don’t have the overwhelming sadness when someone else plays the piano, organ or directs the choir.  My life is still in such flux that I sometimes can’t form a rational thought.  Probably writing this is one of those times and this makes no sense.

I am still holding firm in 2^nd place in fundraising for the Relay for Life event at Leesville Road High School on May 31^st.  However, the number one position is getting farther and farther out of reach.  The person in 1^st is doing an incredible job and is clearly still raking in money.  I need to double my efforts to just keep ahead of the number 3 person.  So here goes the pitch.

Why I Participate in a Relay Event

Because on January 13, 2013, the most wonderful man I have ever known, died from pancreatic cancer. My partner in life and love fought that dreaded disease for more than 2 years. For more than two years he endured surgery and constant radiation and chemotherapy treatments. For more than two years he never complained but held his head high and lived a dignified life filled with love and grace. If that man, my husband, could fight that hard for that long, then I owe it to him to do whatever I can to help others not have to feel that pain. Because I know I will make a difference in the fight to end cancer. I know that by raising funds and walking in the American Cancer Society Relay For Life event, I will help save lives from cancer. I do it to honor Joe Lupton and the strength and dignity that he exemplified in life.  It's staggering to think that millions of people will be diagnosed with cancer this year. I know from personal experience that when that happens, life as you know it is changed forever.  Mine was.

I need your help.  I realize the difficult economic times we are in and I know that everyone can not make a donation.  However, no amount of money is too small or too large.  Every single dollar helps push me closer to my goal and more importantly, helps add to the funding for the American Cancer Society.  Each of you knew Joe.  You know how he lived his life before and after his diagnosis.  You know that he left us much too soon.  Think about him and consider making a donation. 

CLICK HERE TO BE DIRECTED TO THE WEBSITE WHERE YOU CAN MAKE

A DONATION TO SUPPORTMY “RELAY FOR LIFE” EFFORTS.

Thank you to everyone who has so generously already donated in support of my efforts and thank you in advance to those who may donate in the future.  I am extremely grateful to each and every one of you.

As I continue to go through each day, I think of Joe and I miss Joe.  My Joe was such a wonderful person or as I told him repeatedly before and after his diagnosis, he was the BEST person I had ever met.  Never a bad word about anyone, never a discouraging comment.  He always saw the best in everyone and made those around him feel so special just by his presence.  I will never meet anyone else like him as he was truly one of a kind.  I love you Joe, today more than ever.

New Realities

Not much to report, or I guess more accurately, not much I will report. I've been feeling down for a couple of weeks now, trying to accept some new realities. Maybe not so new, just finally accepting the realities. One big reality is that I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow. My annual physical which lately hasn't been so "annual". More like my 2 years and 5 months physical. I know, I know, I should do it annually. However, my priorities have been elsewhere the last few years if you will recall. I dread it tomorrow. I know topic number one is my weight. I was able to get by with my weight the last few years for any doctor visits because of "stress eating". Is there such a thing as "grief eating"?  It's what I do so it must be valid. I'll get through it since it is necessary. I just hope he doesn't yell at me too much.

One thing I am yelling about is my Relay for Life fundraising. I am so grateful to everyone who has donated. Of course, I still have 30 days to raise more so I'm still begging and pleading for contributions. Just think about Joe. No amount is too small or too big. I'm still hoping to annihilate my goal.  Click below to donate either by credit card or check. (please)

RELAY FOR LIFE - CLICK HERE TO DONATE

Another thing I'm grateful for is a very good friend who sat with me for an hour today and listened to me, talked with me, cried with me. Someone who offered counsel, but understood where I was coming from. Thank you Jay. 

Some Days I Want to Bury My Head in the Sand

No begging, no pleading but there will be a note and link at the bottom if you would like to make a donation to help support me in the May 31st Relay for Life event at Leesville Road High school.

Some days just suck!  It's just that simple.  Some days I just want to bury my head in the sand and pretend that my life isn't what it is.  Actually that should read some weeks I just want to bury my head.  But life has a funny way of keeping you from doing that.  Life, or should I say reality, has a way of rearing it's ugly, and I do mean UGLY, head and slapping you in the face.  Since Joe's death I have tried very hard to keep focused on dealing with the grief by attending regular counseling, talking to family and friends when needed, getting out and not staying in seclusion.  Trying very hard to go on with as much of a normal schedule while at the same time working to create a "new normal" for myself.   However, the last couple of weeks circumstances have made me realize that I have probably just been going through the motions and not really accepting some things that have obviously been inevitable.  I wish I could be specific, but it would probably only make some people uncomfortable and ultimately hurt some feelings.  I don't need to carry that burden too.   However, accepting reality is never a bad thing even if it means making big changes.  Changes that might not be popular but might be necessary for me and my mental health.  I have had an incredible amount of support from family and friends and I will never be able to adequately thank them or show my appreciation.  I owe a large debt of gratitude to so many people.  That is what has made the last couple of weeks so hard.  In order for me to heal more completely, I may have to alter some relationships.  That thought is as painful as continuing on the same course I've been on.  I know this isn't making any sense.  I've re-read it three times and even I know it's rambling.  But when I ramble, even if it makes no sense, I feel better.  So a rambling I will go!

So what do you do when you know what ultimately would be best for you but at the same time you know that that decision would be the least popular with others and most likely would cause hurt feelings?  Really what do you do?  I have always been a very selfish person.  I was constantly reminding Joe of that but he would always disagree.  Love can be so blind.  It was only after his diagnosis that I truly learned what it was like to think of someone else before yourself.  Even though the circumstances were awful, it actually felt good to think of someone else first.  Not be so self centered.  Since his death, I have of course thought about myself, but only with regard to grief.  Not really what is best for me.  Just getting through each day.  One step at a time.  I've made so many bad decisions in my life that I always question myself.  Since Joe's death, I have second guessed every decision I have made.  Life with Joe made it so easy.  He always knew the right decision.  He always knew when to reign me in.  When to say "Now Jeff....".  Back on my own I am so afraid of making a bad decision that I haven't made any decisions.  I've just gone on like nothing has changed except Joe isn't by my side.  Doing the same things, going to the same places.  Assuming that doing what Joe and I always did would be the best thing for me.  But I think now it was just another form of denial.  The last couple of weeks, that veil of denial has been slipping from in front of my eyes.  But the veil may still be wrapped around my heart.  I keep thinking "what would Joe want me to do?".  But I need to start thinking "what does Jeff need to do?".   Heck, I can't even commit to where to go for a week's vacation this summer.  How's that for non-committal?  Aarrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhh!   Maybe a white jacket with really long sleeves in a nice padded wall room is in order.

I've rambled enough.  If I can just make it through to May 31st and the Relay for Life event.  That is still the most important thing for me right now.  It's sort of a finish line to reach.  I hope to raise a lot more money although I have done very well and as of today have moved into the #3 slot for individual fund raisers out of the 240+ participants.  Now I have to focus on the #2 slot.  Although I need to focus on what is best and right for me, I also can't go more than a minute without remembering why I have these feelings.  Joe died of pancreatic cancer.  All around the world, every day people are faced with the same circumstances that Joe and I faced in November of 2010.  Every day untold numbers of people have their lives turned upside down just like we did.  Every day, people die from a form of cancer.  Every day, their families grieve.  Every day.

DONATE TO RELAY FOR LIFE (CLICK HERE)

Thank you to everyone who continues to remember Joe and to everyone who continues to remember me in their prayers.  Your support is invaluable to me.

Why I Participate in a Relay for Life Event

Why I Participate in a Relay for Life Event
Because on January 13, 2013, the most wonderful man I have ever known, died from pancreatic cancer.  My partner in life and love fought that dreaded disease for more than 2 years.  For more than two years he endured surgery and radiation and constant chemotherapy treatments.  For more than two years he never complained but held his head high and lived a dignified life filled with love and grace.  If that man, my husband Joe Lupton , could fight that hard for that long, then I owe it to him to do whatever I can to help others not have to feel that pain.  I know I will make a difference in the fight to end cancer.  I know that by raising funds and walking in the American Cancer Society Relay For Life at the Leesville High School event, I will help save lives from cancer.  I do it to honor Joe Lupton and the strength and dignity that he exemplified in life.

It's amazing and agonizing to think that millions of people will be diagnosed with cancer this year.  I know from personal experience that when that happens, life as you know it is changed forever.  A Relay For Life event is not only a way to join my community to fight back against cancer, but it is also a way to inspire hope by raising funds and awareness to help those facing the disease.



Who I’m Participating For
My reason for participating in my Relay For Life event is very personal.  It is for the most important person that ever was a part of my life. It is for my partner and husband.  We all participate in Relay events because we’ve been affected by cancer in some way and because a Relay For Life event gives us the power to make a difference and fight back.  For someone like me whose loved one lost the battle with cancer, this is even more important.  This is my opportunity to honor cancer survivors, remember people we have lost, and help raise funds for groundbreaking research, information and services for people fighting cancer.

Why I Support the American Cancer Society
Every day, the American Cancer Society helps people take steps to reduce their risk of cancer or find it early when it is easiest to treat.  They provide free information and services when and where people need it throughout their journey to get well.  They are investing in groundbreaking research to find, prevent, treat, and cure cancer, and are working with lawmakers to pass laws to defeat cancer and rally communities worldwide to join the fight.

I hope you will consider making a donation in support of my efforts.   Together, we have the power to help create a world where cancer can no longer claim another life.

Click here to donate now:  RELAYFOR LIFE DONATION