Some days just suck! It's just that simple. Some days I just want to bury my head in the sand and pretend that my life isn't what it is. Actually that should read some weeks I just want to bury my head. But life has a funny way of keeping you from doing that. Life, or should I say reality, has a way of rearing it's ugly, and I do mean UGLY, head and slapping you in the face. Since Joe's death I have tried very hard to keep focused on dealing with the grief by attending regular counseling, talking to family and friends when needed, getting out and not staying in seclusion. Trying very hard to go on with as much of a normal schedule while at the same time working to create a "new normal" for myself. However, the last couple of weeks circumstances have made me realize that I have probably just been going through the motions and not really accepting some things that have obviously been inevitable. I wish I could be specific, but it would probably only make some people uncomfortable and ultimately hurt some feelings. I don't need to carry that burden too. However, accepting reality is never a bad thing even if it means making big changes. Changes that might not be popular but might be necessary for me and my mental health. I have had an incredible amount of support from family and friends and I will never be able to adequately thank them or show my appreciation. I owe a large debt of gratitude to so many people. That is what has made the last couple of weeks so hard. In order for me to heal more completely, I may have to alter some relationships. That thought is as painful as continuing on the same course I've been on. I know this isn't making any sense. I've re-read it three times and even I know it's rambling. But when I ramble, even if it makes no sense, I feel better. So a rambling I will go!
So what do you do when you know what ultimately would be best for you but at the same time you know that that decision would be the least popular with others and most likely would cause hurt feelings? Really what do you do? I have always been a very selfish person. I was constantly reminding Joe of that but he would always disagree. Love can be so blind. It was only after his diagnosis that I truly learned what it was like to think of someone else before yourself. Even though the circumstances were awful, it actually felt good to think of someone else first. Not be so self centered. Since his death, I have of course thought about myself, but only with regard to grief. Not really what is best for me. Just getting through each day. One step at a time. I've made so many bad decisions in my life that I always question myself. Since Joe's death, I have second guessed every decision I have made. Life with Joe made it so easy. He always knew the right decision. He always knew when to reign me in. When to say "Now Jeff....". Back on my own I am so afraid of making a bad decision that I haven't made any decisions. I've just gone on like nothing has changed except Joe isn't by my side. Doing the same things, going to the same places. Assuming that doing what Joe and I always did would be the best thing for me. But I think now it was just another form of denial. The last couple of weeks, that veil of denial has been slipping from in front of my eyes. But the veil may still be wrapped around my heart. I keep thinking "what would Joe want me to do?". But I need to start thinking "what does Jeff need to do?". Heck, I can't even commit to where to go for a week's vacation this summer. How's that for non-committal? Aarrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhh! Maybe a white jacket with really long sleeves in a nice padded wall room is in order.
I've rambled enough. If I can just make it through to May 31st and the Relay for Life event. That is still the most important thing for me right now. It's sort of a finish line to reach. I hope to raise a lot more money although I have done very well and as of today have moved into the #3 slot for individual fund raisers out of the 240+ participants. Now I have to focus on the #2 slot. Although I need to focus on what is best and right for me, I also can't go more than a minute without remembering why I have these feelings. Joe died of pancreatic cancer. All around the world, every day people are faced with the same circumstances that Joe and I faced in November of 2010. Every day untold numbers of people have their lives turned upside down just like we did. Every day, people die from a form of cancer. Every day, their families grieve. Every day.
Thank you to everyone who continues to remember Joe and to everyone who continues to remember me in their prayers. Your support is invaluable to me.
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