February 21, 2012

Today I made what I consider a giant step. I arrived at the Duke Cancer Center a little early for my counseling appointment so I had Leigh Howard paged. I had not seen either Leigh or Dr. Zafar since Joe's death although I had spoken to each of them. I had wanted to see them because of how important both of them were to Joe and still are to me. Although Joe fought really hard against the cancer, I attribute much of his ability to have survived for over two years to the care he received from our oncology team. They are both such wonderful people as well as incredibly gifted medical professionals. For more than two years they were part of our lives. We saw them weekly. A close relationship developed between us. I have missed them but knew it would be difficult to see them again and although I have been to the DCC weekly, have not had the courage to go up to the third floor to see them. Today I found that courage and I saw both of them. Although it was a tearful visit on my part, it felt good to visit with them, talk to them and express my gratitude. After that I went back downstairs for my counseling session.

Today when I got home I pulled all of mine and Joe's tax information together so that our taxes can be done. I also pulled out all the cards that I received following the news of Joe's death and the memorial service. So many people to thank for thinking of me and our families. The Hardy family, Virginia Joines, Julie Hilton Steele, Tim & Netta Ketterman, Erin Juliano, John Belch, Marcia Fleishman, Wes & Cathy Anderson, Ruth Heath, the Russell family, Hal & Deanna Bruen, Phil & Pat Hoffman, the Potratz family, the Duke CC GI Oncology Program, Barbara Johnson, Patty Kranich, Iris & Mike Colvin, Bill & Fredda Umphlett, Donna Clelland, the Minnick family, Angela Teachey, Desiree Davis-Omburo, the Simpson family, Marilyn Kennedy, Mary Nell Thomas, the Hume family, Bob & Mary Anderson, Amy Daws, Cheryl Crane & David Murray, Nancy Glascow, Jennifer & Rob Williams, Kent Parks & Randy Moore, Don & Doris Click, Michael & Missy Fox, Stella Honeycutt, Valerie & Leroy Hurd, Shawn Morgenlander, Lennie & Dianne Rosenbluth, Becka Huckabee, the Shade family, Ray & Judy Peede, Charlotte Margolis, Michele Burris, Laura Delauney, Stephen Melott, Jane Albright, Larry & Angela Tollen, Beverly & Talmadge Skinner, Mark Shelton & Michael Gosch, Katy Lupton, Jan Jackson, Donna Lloyd, Wayne Dedrick, John & Glynnis Cowell, Mary Kay Pendergraph, the Piscorik family, Bert Elliott, Mary Thomas, Durham Regional Assoc. of Realtors, the Clemo family, Bill Lupton & Sandy Okazaki, Ruth Patterson, Jenny & Bill Krieski, the entire Quest group at PGUMC.....and many have sent multiple cards & thoughtful gifts. Meals with the Minnicks, the Frys, the Clarks, the Levines, the Lawsons, Lucinda, Mike, Jeff, and Artie. Phone calls from Rob & Lola, Mark & Jill, Bill & Sandy, Scott & Ken and others. Many others have helped with a variety of tasks. These people along with other friends and family are a major force in what is helping me get through each day.

Tonight after seeing Leigh & Yousuf; a counseling session; organizing the taxes; along with a day at work, I am tired! It's only 6:45 pm but I hear my bed calling. After I call Joe's mother, I think I will turn in early. I have a feeling of accomplishment and it feels good.

Thank you to EVERYONE who continues to pray for me and remember me in their thoughts. I am humbled and most grateful.

January 28, 2013

Do you ever have one of those days? You know the kind I'm talking about. Where you just aren't "with it"? Today started off with waking to the alarm after a rough night of lack of sleep. That was followed by discovering I was out of coffee at home. Then off to work to discover that for some reason my hands were shaking. I tried writing a name on an envelope only to discover it looked like chicken scratch. Solution?....I just printed a label instead. The rest of the day was uneventful and then during lunch I spent the time setting up BillPay. Changing bills from Joe's checking to mine. Not exactly relaxing. But I did what I needed to do the rest of the day and put in my full 8 hours at work. However, the moment I stepped out the door of the office it felt like an anvil was dropped on me. I suddenly had an overwhelming urge to cry, and I did, all the way home and then some. It wasn't until about 30 minutes after I got home that I was able to stop. My sister called and I calmed down. I called and spoke to Joe's mother while I was heating some soup for dinner. She continues to have trouble dealing with the loss of Joe. We have that in common.

I'm a little worried about going upstairs tonight. You know the saying "rainy days and Mondays always get me down". Is that going to be me? Last Monday scared me into counseling. What will this one do? I'm already scheduled to see the counselor tomorrow, so that base is covered. Another trip to the Duke Cancer Center. I want to see Leigh and Dr. Zafar but I'm scared of that right now. One day soon. Maybe an early night is in store. Couldn't hurt, right?

I have to stop eating so much. At this rate I'll be needing to buy new pants soon. That isn't in my budget. Sad and fat. That's just pitiful.

Quick Joe update

Joe has had a couple of very bad days. Major dizzy spells whenever he sits up or stands. Fever up to 102.7 tonight (down to 99.8 right now). Shortness of breath even when only taking a few steps. This started Saturday night after we saw a movie. While walking out he had a dizzy spell which required me and Jill to almost have to carry him back to a seat. It took about 30 minutes for the dizziness to subside. I think he also experienced a bit of a panic attack with this dizzy spell being so public. He was very stressed about it. Once I got him home I had to undress him and get him into bed rather quickly. He was able to play at church this morning but did experience several dizzy spells. Fortunately he sits 99% of the time. This afternoon he slept most of the afternoon since he had a lot of trouble sleeping Saturday night. He has experienced dizzy spells every time he stands. I know dehydration can cause those problems but the shortness of breath, and rapid heart beat when this happens concerns and honestly scares me. His voice isn't as raspy as it was the end of the week but he is coughing more often, still dry, no phlegm. His appetite is dreadful, barely eating. Today he had a sandwich and 4 small spoons of oatmeal. He could not eat tonight at all.

I have already been in touch with his oncologist and we will be at the Duke Cancer Center early tomorrow for labs, seeing Dr. Zafar and fluids infusion. The labs will also be drawing blood for cultures to see if there is something new causing the fevers.

Joe feels terrible and I am reaching a critical stress level which doesn't comfort him much.

Prayers, prayers, prayers, please.