July Reflection

July is a month of reflection I guess.  Should I be doing this?  Purposely reflecting?  Maybe not, but sometimes you just have to go where the brain and the heart tells you to and let the chips fall where they may.  Plus, I’m at an “all time favorite” location, Holden Beach, to start the month so I have lots of extra time and lots of emotions bubbling around just beneath the surface.

Now the emotion part is not anything new as anyone who knows me can attest.  However, the last few months it has been bubbling more and more.  I’m short tempered, my sleep rhythm is non rhythmic, and I can go from smiling to sobbing in .05 seconds.  This was one of many topics when I visited with my physician last month for my annual physical.  At that time he suggested, very gently, that I consider seeing a psychologist.  Starting back therapy was not in my grand scheme of things but something has got to give.  We went into a little more depth as to the why’s and how’s of what might be going on with me but I’ll leave that for another time.

So here I am.  At Holden Beach with my family.  As of the writing of this sentence it is me, Phyllis and Woodie.  Tomorrow, Aimee and Sara are to join us.   Several things happened yesterday that were important.  I had dreaded the drive over the bridge onto Holden as in the past that was when Joe would perk up and start with, “we’re here!!!!”  The saving grace for that expected sadness was the extreme traffic jam stretching back a couple of miles ahead of the bridge.  What could have been a sad moment turned into an irritating 45 minutes of sitting in traffic, moving less than 5 miles per hour.  That occupied my mind long enough and strong enough to keep me busy.  The arrival at the house, where Phyllis and Woodie were waiting, the unpacking and the tour of the house kept us all busy for the next couple of hours.  Then we ventured down to the beach where Phyllis & Woodie sat for awhile and I went for my run/walk.  I have pledged to get in a good long run/walk everyday that we are here.  I have GOT to get back into the routine of actually doing something and what better place than at the FLAT beach!!!  So I ran a couple of blocks, then walked a couple of blocks, then repeat the process.  It felt good, until this morning.  My calves are exploding!  No pain, no gain.

Morning number one has brought me up predawn but not early enough for me to climb up on the widows walk to watch the sunrise.  I will do that one morning before this is said and done though.  But back to the reflection. this was not meant to be a day by day by hour by hour account…well not only that.

Reflection

One drop

Two drops

Three drops

Four

Floodgates open

the waters pour

Cool and warm and clear and red

How can I be alive?

and Joe be dead?

Reflection

Switch places with me.

Let me rest on the brink of that ancient flight.

You sit here and wait.

Where would you go.

You know nothing of the world beyond this dirt.

Nothing now, but I’m willing to learn.

Reflection

This sanctuary is all I have.

I’m grateful for it.

Grateful to have some place to wait.

Wait for the waters to recede. 

My path now visible.

Visible to lead me away from here.

Reflection

Walking up the steps to the church.

Each step bends and creaks from my weight.

Each step is a guardian deciding if I may enter.

Will they break in half and swallow me whole.

How ironic, that’s how I already feel.

Swallowed up by the earth.

Reflection

I just need a place to hide for a few minutes.

Dinner time end of day one.  7 beach hours. Pink chest, pink feet, pink legs, pink face.  Good day.  Good breeze, a little cloudy keeping the temperature just right.  Huge crowds today.  I’ve never been down here and seen so many people but then it is the end of the 4th weekend.  Phyllis is cooking dinner (actually right now she is playing on Facebook) but it’s CHICKEN night!  Woodie is firing up the grill.  What am I doing?  Not much of anything.  I’m so lazy.

After chicken night was cube steak night and then Taco Tuesday.  It’s now sausage Wednesday after 3 days of sun, wind and MORE wind.

Reflection

Loneliness should be the stranger

when you are alone.

Friends, family filling the space that is left vacant.

Alone and lonely are close cousins.

Their relationship can not be denied.

But they are also quiet different from one another.

Loneliness resolution requires company.

Alone can be a crowded room.

Alone inside.

Sara and Aimee left to return to their lives today.  Sara prepares for the move to her college apartment in a couple of weeks.  What a change that is going to be.  I’m not ready but then I have learned that I am not a fan of change.  At least not anymore.  Right now I have one change that I am hopeful for, although not expectant of it happening.  If you don’t get your hopes up too high, it’s not such a painful fall when/if it doesn’t happen.  Would it be a cure all fix?  Absolutely not, but it would be a step in the right direction.  One I have sorely missed for the last 4 years.

Reflection

Tears are running down my face.

Where do I run? 

I need to escape. 

I'm trapped inside, my thoughts flow. 

I'm broken, so alone.

Which way? 

Traveling through fog, needing to be found 

I'm cracked like glass.

I'm hurting inside.

I try to hide so nobody sees.

God, answer me. 

Falling into darkness being clouded by lies. 

I need to get out.

Slipping and tumbling into things that are unseen.

I need to escape.

Vacation ends tomorrow.  Long drive home.  Then hopefully a good rest in my OWN BED.  It was a great week.  Restful.  Peaceful.  Jovial.  Family.

Reflection

I feel no interest

Just force a smile upon.

I see no color 

But, I am not blind 

I see, the world is black.

What is this?

This emptiness I never felt before

Life of mere glass that can shatter 

Shatter at the slightest touch. 

I am breathless

As if someone is following me

How do people smile so easily?

Live so freely.

What is this? 

I feel alone, separated, anxious.

I am scared. 

I want to live.

No perhaps I don’t.

No matter where I search

Whom I ask 

They give no reply.

What is this? 

I am eager.

I want someone to share my feelings with 

I searched here and there

Tried to open up to many. 

Why is life bestowed upon us?

Why is it taken?

I am alone 

I call out with all my might 

But no one listens

I am tired.

I am really afraid 

Scared 

I am as if bound by invisible chains of 

Love, anger?

No perhaps emptiness

I am alone

In this darkness days pass 

But no one comes..

This life is itself,

Having no reason to exist.

Is there an afterlife?

A happy one?

A deep, deep week.  Home, safe and sound.  The drive wasn't terrible.  Good tunes playing.  Traffic moving.  I even stopped for the BBQ burger at Burger King that I kept seeing advertised on TV all week.  (Don’t bother, it isn’t very good….at least not to me).  Tomorrow, back to the routine.  Back to the drudgery.  Back to this life.

48 Hours to VACATION!!!!!!!

Even at the glacial place that the month of June moved, it’s hard to believe that it’s already July.  The year is half over.  Is that a pessimistic point of view like the glass is half empty?  I guess a more positive point of view might be we are half way to Christmas!  Assuming everyone looks forward to Christmas.  My verdict is still out on that one.  But I digress.  July is here!  You know what that means?….VACATION!  Just 2 more days and I’m free for the next 10 days.  I am so, so, so ready!   Holden Beach, here I come.  

June was a month that appeared to be spiraling down the drain, at least as far as my mood and attitude.  Although I could recognize with my head what I was doing, I was unable to stop myself.  Daily, almost hourly, I could feel myself pulling away.  Withdrawing into myself each and every day.  I didn’t go to the Y any.  I didn’t go out after work any.  I didn’t see anyone outside of work unless I had too.  I got up each weekday morning at my usual 6:15am and went to work.  On Mondays and Fridays I left work in Raleigh at 6:00pm and drove home, arriving by 6:30pm, ate dinner and would be up in the bedroom by 8:00pm and would either read or watch TV in bed until sleep overtook me.  Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, I woke up at the appointed 6:15am, went to work and left work in Chapel Hill at 5:00pm arriving home by 5:30pm.  On those days, I could eat and be upstairs in bed by 7:00pm.  As exciting as the week days were, the weekends were even more so.  I went two weekends and didn’t even go outside from the time I got home on Friday evening until I left for work on Monday morning.  Now that is a thrilling existence, huh?  So, maybe a week at the beach will be just what the doctor ordered.  And speaking of doctor, during the excitement that was June, I did manage to have my annual physical.  With the exception of slightly elevated blood pressure (does your blood pressure increase as you get older??? I’ve never had BP issues before), all was well.  Blood work came back good with decreased cholesterol levels and even my PSA was within normal range.  The doctor was very happy with my weight also, but I did have a Big Mac for lunch that day afterwards!  That’s another thing that June brought….I ate A LOT!  2 pounds heavier as of this writing.  Just another reason to SNAP OUT OF IT.

Okay, okay.  Enough moaning and groaning about being down.  It’s 48 hours to VACATION!  Although this will be my first trip to Holden Beach without Joe since many, many years before we met, I'm determined to make it a good one.  New memories, new laughs, new suntan.  Will there be photos?  Maybe, if I can come in out of the sun long enough. 

Vacation time comes to an end.......

Well vacation is over.  Actually I still have the weekend, but technically, since today was a workday, as of 5pm my vacation was over.  I can honestly say I'm glad.  Sleeping late is nice, but that is about the only good part.  Otherwise the days have been extremely uneventful.  I did come home early, getting in just before rush hour yesterday.  It was so nice to sleep in my own bed last night.  Today was a day of chores and a terrible movie followed by going by my office tonight to see how much work I would be looking at on Monday morning.  My reaction was something akin to PANIC!  Each of my 4 in-boxes were filled.  Instead of just looking, I sat down and worked for 3 hours.  Now Monday was be just another day.  I still should have enough work to make the day go by pretty quickly but I shouldn't be in full-on stress mode.

So a report on this past week.  What can I say other than it was a bit of a bore...a sad bore.  I'm still of the belief that going by myself was the best thing, but I really should have made some specific plans to do something, or gone somewhere that there was something to do.  But even though there wasn't a thrill a minute or a daily schedule of activities, I'm glad I went.  There had to be a first time, so at least I have that behind me.  I shed tears each day and even today when I was home.  I shed tears tonight while at the office by myself and I expect that I will shed some tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that.  I don't intend to sound pessimistic, just a realist.  I even had the loan officer at the bank in tears today.  Everywhere I go I guess I just spread sunshine!!!!!!1

On the positive side, I didn't gain any weight on vacation.  I actually lost 2 pounds.  However, I did eat a 12" sub from Subway tonight so my belly is sticking out much too much right now.  I assume however it will be back to a more normal state tomorrow as I start my return to a YMCA schedule. My plan is for 1 1/2 hours of cardio tomorrow.  30/30/30 - bike, treadmill, elliptical.  Maybe that will help me get back into the swing of things.

Thank you to all my friends and family who checked in on me while I was away.  I appreciate all the support that each and every one of you gives me.

Be careful what you wish for.....

As the old saying goes, be careful what you wish for, you just might get it. It is sooooo true. My wish for vacation: quiet, peaceful, solitude. Well folks I got it. And then some! The word BORED comes to mind. So much so that it is almost a certainty that I will cut this trip shorter than planned and go home early. There is something to be said for being in your own bed, your own home. Especially when you aren't doing anything anyway. I might make a detour and visit friends on the way home however. Regardless, I feel sure that I will be home by Thursday...Friday at the latest. It might work out for the best as I have one piece of business that I should attend to and it can only be done during the week, during typical business hours. It can wait, but if I'm not doing anything anyway, why not now?

I did get a workout in today however. I jogged to the recreation center with the intent of just seeing what equipment they had.  However when I got there, I felt it incumbent on me to at least try a couple of the machines out. An hour and a half later, after time spent on the treadmill, bike and elliptical, I started the walk back to my unit. It was at that point that I realized just how tired I was and how I really didn't want to have to walk that far (it's about a mile). It was about then that I spotted a lone golfer on the golf course with his two sweater golf cart. I was just tired enough to ask a stranger for a ride. He was a nice enough stranger that he said yes and was very kind to deliver me just outside my building. After that, I took a long shower and after dinner, settled in for a couple of movies on Netflix along with a very nice bottle of wine. 

So here I lay waiting for sleep to take me. I must say that the bed is very comfortable here. With lots of pillows!   I'm sure I can do this until at least Wednesday. 

P.S. Tomorrow morning it will be interesting to see what my right leg looks like. I've managed to bump into or trip over three pieces of furniture today. I am such a klutz.

1st Vacation; 1st Day

It has been a very bittersweet day. The first day of my vacation, but also 6 months since Joe's death. On January 13th when I went upstairs to our room and found that Joe had died while I was downstairs, I wasn't sure that I would even be able to make it 6 months. However, I have. Although it has been anything and everything but easy, I have physically survived. Emotionally might be a different matter.  Every day for the last six months I have cried. Some days have been nothing but tears, some days have been filled enough that only a few tears trickled down my cheeks. Some days I have been unable to smile and some days I've even managed a few laughs. Some days I have sensed a glimmer of light in my future and some days I can't even grasp the concept of getting out of bed the next morning. Two things happened at 7:05pm on January 13, 2013: Joe's life ended and my life stopped. I fully realize that 6 months is not much time in the grieving process when you lose your spouse, your soulmate, a large part of what defines you or how you define yourself. I never expected it to be easy to go throughout the day after such a short time and I was correct. It is as hard to go to sleep without Joe beside me today as it was the night he died. I still wake up on a regular basis and reach out my hand to touch him before reality sneaks into my drowsy haze to remind me he is gone. I don't say that for pity or sympathy, it's merely my reality. I have however made strides in moving forward. Joining the YMCA in an effort to be in better shape physically has resulted in weight loss which is great. Hopefully I won't go overboard with the calories during vacation. It wasn't easy decreasing the waistline and I don't want to have to start over. I can handle anything under a 5 pound gain without freaking out this week.

I have spent the better part of the day driving, much of it in pouring rain, going on my first vacation without Joe. Packing for it was terrible. I actually missed the inevitable fight that would occur between me and Joe when packing for a trip. I can't remember a trip where we did not argue during the packing process. Joe took forever to pack. He would pack clothes, take a few things out of the suitcase, put more in, take more out, over and over. It was torture. He was so incredibly concerned that he would forget something that he always overpacked. Mind you, I always overpack too, but I just grab bunches of stuff and pack it and zip the suitcase shut. I always figured that if I forgot something I could either do without, or just buy another. Maybe not the most practical, but much quicker. But this trip there was no one to argue with, no one to get exasperated with. Just me, packed and standing in the kitchen alone.

This self pity party is going on and on isn't it? Oh well. I'm sitting in a hotel with a mindless TV show on waiting for morning so I can finish my journey. For the next week, I can sleep late and do what I want. If I'm not enjoying this place, I can put my bag back in the car and journey back home. No one to argue with about that either! I can't begin to count the number of times Joe and I went to various timeshare resorts where all I really wanted to do was just leave and go back home to my own bed. This time if that happens, I can have my little Holland fit and be on my way. Should that happen, at least I could get back to my workout routine. Maybe even get in a little extra. But I've driven all this way and I'll give it the old college try!

I have been blessed to have so many people who care about me and how I am doing both emotionally and physically. I appreciate all that you have done for me and continue to do for me. Your prayers, your caring, and your love is what gets me through each day. Thank you. 

It's My Vacation and I'll Go Where I Want To...

A little lazy tonight after my visit to the Y, so I opted for video rather than typing.


Have a great week and weekend folks! Thanks for the love, prayers and support.

Mid-week Recap

Okay, half way through the week at the beach (WOW time flies).  Here's the Readers Digest version mid-week update:
Monday: Down to the beach late morning, great weather, a little on the windy side, some time sitting at the surfs edge, some up under the umbrellas until......Joe decides that my umbrella is leaning too much.  Oh, and I'm laying back in my chair, eyes closed, listening to ipod.  All of a sudden the sun is bright and sand is blowing all over me, the reason? Joe has taken my umbrella off the pole and is trying to fix it, it blows inside out, I'm yelling at him politely inquiring what he is doing and why is he doing it.  Well maybe not so politely.  It's irritating to be brought back from a restful, relaxing situation to one of sun, heat and sand.  I have to get up and get my umbrella turned back outside in.  By then I am in a really crappy mood, I pack up my crap and come up to the house.  Joe follows quickly behind.  Quiet evening.
Tuesday: Down to the beach late morning, great weather, less windy, some time sitting at the surfs edge, and then back up to where Joe is sitting under his umbrella (I do not have a working umbrella anymore).  Joe goes down to the waters edge and relaxes.  Thunder starts, then lightening, then more thunder and very sharp lightening.  We pack up and return to home.  A little while later the rain comes and I nap on the living room sofa.  Dinner, then I throw up.  Well it happened so I might as well tell it.
Wednesday:  Suppose to rain and besides my lower back is hurting from sitting in the beach chairs so we take a vacation from the beach and go have lunch on the mainland (Surfers Cafe) and then go see two movies in Shallotte - Spiderman & Magic Mike.  Enjoyed Spiderman, and Magic Mike was ok.  We did learn details of the divorce proceedings from a woman sitting behind us as she talked to her mother on her phone.  Apparently the new girlfriend of the soon to be ex-husband sent her a friend request on Facebook.  She had a friend send the girlfriend a Facebook message explaining why the friend request would not be approved.  Also, she is taking his retirement money.   Seemed like it's going to be a nasty divorce.  After movies, drove home in the rain and had sandwiches for dinner.  TV tonight and maybe a little reading
A few last photos:

 Texting on the beach...it's what Joe does.

 Smiling for the camera...errr..phone

 Sitting under my umbrella before it was so rudely ripped from overhead.

 A graduate of sand castle building.

Joe chillaxing at the surfs edge.  It's much cooler with the water washing over your feet and under your chair.

I hope everyone back home is enjoying the cooler temperatures and has gotten some rain.  Apparently we have had some at our house so hopefully it will have helped the lawn and outdoor plants.  Enjoy the rest of your week.

Last chemo infusion before our beach trip

Today Joe had his last chemo infusion before we leave for a week at the beach. I'm sorry to say I didn't pay too much attention to what all was going on with him with regard to todays treatment. He texted me a couple of times but I was so wrapped up in the first day of the move of my office, I was really late in responding....like he was done before I even realized I had a text.

The first day of the move went very well, almost. Phones and Internet service was up and going very quickly. The new copier was delivered on time and I got a lot of my office set up. The only hitch was, the AIR CONDITIONER was not working. Anyone have an idea of how hot it was in there when the AC hasn't worked since Monday...and everyday we have hit 100 degrees. Let's just say that by 9am,I had already been sweating profusely for an hour. Hopefully, at some point tomorrow it will start working. If not, it will be a short day for me and the beginning of my vacation early!

Joe and I are very excited about our trip to Holden Beach this year. We are staying in our favorite house just steps from the ocean. Many happy times have been spent in that house in summers past and we are going to make this one even more fun and special. As boring as it will probably be for many people, I plan to post lots of photos, daily!

We hope everyone has a great week and we will be back in town on the 15th and looking forward to Asher's baptism.

Holden Beach 2011

Now isn't that a serene sight?  We arrived at Holden Beach around 5pm on Saturday and for the most part have been relaxing.  I say "for the most part" because it seems nothing we do or nowhere that we go does drama seem to not follow.

These 2 photos were taken Saturday evening (around 6pm ish) on the wooden walk down to the beach. I had to have Joe take my photo multiple times before I just gave up and kept this one.  It seems he doesn't fully understand how to work my phone camera.  I'm not only smiling there, but also explaining to him how to work the thing simultaneously.  I should have been a ventriloquist.

OK, but now for the drama.  Sunday was a wonderful day that we relaxed and spent hours upon hours on the beach.  Joe stayed in the shade of his umbrella since he was just finishing a round of antibiotics that had warned to stay out of the sun.  But he relaxed, read and listened to the surf and had a great day.  I enjoyed the day as well going in and out from under my beach umbrella getting a little sun.  Then came 4:30am on Monday morning.  Joe was up taking Tylenol, running a high fever, having extreme chills and shivering along with throwing up.  His temp got up to 103 again and I was up running around packing, convinced we were leaving ASAP.  Joe however had different plans and although I packed up our clothes, food and linens, he just laid in bed saying no, we were not going anywhere.  I got the number to the nearest Walgreens so I could call the doctor and have something sent to the pharmacy if necessary.  I got directions to the local hospital and prepared to take him to the ER.  Joe however had different plans and just stayed in bed.  He can be very hard headed.  By 4pm, he was feeling a little better and by 6pm, he was up and in the living room with me.  His only complaint was feeling a little weak.  Once some food was in his stomach he said he was much better.   So although I still think we should have left and gone back to Durham, he got his way and I think was a little pleased that he got his way instead of me getting mine for a change.

We had planned on getting together with some of Joe's family that lives here in the area on Monday night, but since he was under the weather, we had to postpone until this morning (Tuesday).  From left to right that is Timothy, John, Joe, me (Jeff), Holly and Kaitlyn.   Vicki was taking the photo but did switch places with Holly so she could get the photo below.

We even got a photo of just me and Joe.  One of the few good shots I think we've taken lately.  The best part is that I'm behind Joe and you can't see my fat belly!  Right after Joe's family left, I went down to the car only to discover that my battery was dead.  We were planning to go off the island for lunch, so after AAA came, installed a new battery (the trip is getting more and more expensive) we were off the island for a quick lunch and then back to the house and onto the beach.  Speaking of today at the beach, I have never been on the beach with such strong, sustained winds.  I was unable to open my umbrella and Joe had to lower his to barely over his head and hold onto it for the next 2 1/2 hours.  We got full dermabrasions from the sand that was blasted over us all afternoon.  But the day was beautiful and we even took in a walk up and down the beach for awhile.  All in all a very good day.  The best part, Joe has felt very good today and has been able to enjoy himself.