1st Vacation; 1st Day

It has been a very bittersweet day. The first day of my vacation, but also 6 months since Joe's death. On January 13th when I went upstairs to our room and found that Joe had died while I was downstairs, I wasn't sure that I would even be able to make it 6 months. However, I have. Although it has been anything and everything but easy, I have physically survived. Emotionally might be a different matter.  Every day for the last six months I have cried. Some days have been nothing but tears, some days have been filled enough that only a few tears trickled down my cheeks. Some days I have been unable to smile and some days I've even managed a few laughs. Some days I have sensed a glimmer of light in my future and some days I can't even grasp the concept of getting out of bed the next morning. Two things happened at 7:05pm on January 13, 2013: Joe's life ended and my life stopped. I fully realize that 6 months is not much time in the grieving process when you lose your spouse, your soulmate, a large part of what defines you or how you define yourself. I never expected it to be easy to go throughout the day after such a short time and I was correct. It is as hard to go to sleep without Joe beside me today as it was the night he died. I still wake up on a regular basis and reach out my hand to touch him before reality sneaks into my drowsy haze to remind me he is gone. I don't say that for pity or sympathy, it's merely my reality. I have however made strides in moving forward. Joining the YMCA in an effort to be in better shape physically has resulted in weight loss which is great. Hopefully I won't go overboard with the calories during vacation. It wasn't easy decreasing the waistline and I don't want to have to start over. I can handle anything under a 5 pound gain without freaking out this week.

I have spent the better part of the day driving, much of it in pouring rain, going on my first vacation without Joe. Packing for it was terrible. I actually missed the inevitable fight that would occur between me and Joe when packing for a trip. I can't remember a trip where we did not argue during the packing process. Joe took forever to pack. He would pack clothes, take a few things out of the suitcase, put more in, take more out, over and over. It was torture. He was so incredibly concerned that he would forget something that he always overpacked. Mind you, I always overpack too, but I just grab bunches of stuff and pack it and zip the suitcase shut. I always figured that if I forgot something I could either do without, or just buy another. Maybe not the most practical, but much quicker. But this trip there was no one to argue with, no one to get exasperated with. Just me, packed and standing in the kitchen alone.

This self pity party is going on and on isn't it? Oh well. I'm sitting in a hotel with a mindless TV show on waiting for morning so I can finish my journey. For the next week, I can sleep late and do what I want. If I'm not enjoying this place, I can put my bag back in the car and journey back home. No one to argue with about that either! I can't begin to count the number of times Joe and I went to various timeshare resorts where all I really wanted to do was just leave and go back home to my own bed. This time if that happens, I can have my little Holland fit and be on my way. Should that happen, at least I could get back to my workout routine. Maybe even get in a little extra. But I've driven all this way and I'll give it the old college try!

I have been blessed to have so many people who care about me and how I am doing both emotionally and physically. I appreciate all that you have done for me and continue to do for me. Your prayers, your caring, and your love is what gets me through each day. Thank you.