4 Months

It hardly seems possible but it has been 4 months since Joe’s death.  I’ve spoken to several people including my family medical counselor about the fact that even though it has been four months, the pain is as fresh and intense as it was the day he died.  I’ve even asked if someone could circle that magical day on the calendar when enough time will have passed that I will feel better and not hurt so much.  However, I’ve been told by each person that a magical day or amount of time doesn’t exist.  My loneliness and despair just don’t seem to get any better.  Yes, there are days, or times throughout a particular day when I am occupied enough that my mind doesn’t go to the place of what might have been, or how could this happen, or how do I cope with this loss.  But those are such infrequent times.  I’m also grappling with other issues surrounding the loss.  Friends that have practically disappeared.  Friends that I haven’t heard from since the week of Joe’s death, friends that I used to speak with, email with, Facebook message with on a weekly basis, that I have not heard from or heard back from since Joe’s memorial service.  Most all of my friendships were through my relationship with Joe.  He was here in Durham first and developed a circle of friends and acquaintances.  Many if not all of them became my friends as well.  However, some of them have now just evaporated from my life.  That is hard to accept.  Maybe they still grieve and it is hard for them as well and I am a reminder of their lost friend, I don’t know.  I just know I miss them.  I spoke with my counselor just this week about that and her suggestion is just to tell them I miss them.  See if that will re-insert them into my life.  I have nothing to lose if they don’t come back since they are no longer there at this point.  Did I mention that this is going to be a long post?   I guess I should have started with that but if you’ve read so far, maybe you will keep reading.
Another issue that has been weighing so incredibly heavy on me is the emptiness of the house.  I had a bit of an epiphany a few weeks ago when I realized that with the exception of my friend from church who had helped me with Joe’s insurance and retirement, there has not been anyone other than me in my house since the week that Joe died.  No friends, no acquaintances, no one has come to the house.  I have been out to eat with a great many friends, I have been to their houses, I have been out and about, but no one has been in our home except me.  That makes for a very lonely existence there and makes the house seem even emptier than it is.  What can I do to remedy it?  I suppose I just need to be more aggressive and ask people to come see me.  Maybe I will try and arrange a “pot-luck” dinner and invite assorted folks to bring something.  I just need to have someone in the house with me from time to time and I really want a nice gathering soon.  Joe loved those.  I’ll have to look at the calendar to see what if anything other than Relay for Life is on my horizon.  I know that weekend (Relay for Life is on May 31^st – more about that of course later on) will be a wash as I will be up all night and will probably sleep all day on June 1^st.  But honestly, having to ask someone to come see me makes me very sad.

Another issue which I have not directly addressed on here is that Pleasant Grove UMC has now hired Joe’s replacement.  Yes the name of the position is different, but the fact of the matter is that he is the replacement.  That is hard for me.  I have absolutely no ill will or bad feelings towards Chris or PGUMC.  I knew this was inevitable, but it still is quite emotional for me to see someone else up there.  For that reason I have drastically altered my service attendance, giving up completely for the last month on the 11a.m. service and have just attended the 8:30am service.  At that one, where I record the service for the shut-ins, I can stay up in the loft where the sound equipment is, with my headphones on, block out the music portion of the service, not even watch if I so choose and just listen to the sermon.  How long I will be able to do this, I don’t know.  Will I eventually be able to return to the 11am service, I don’t know the answer to that either.  Several Sundays, after leaving the 8:30 am service, I have visited other churches.  I’m not really considering changing churches, but if I’ve learned nothing else, keep your options open.  Maybe with that so called “time will help” speech that I have heard over and over, I will be able to resume my regular attendance at the 11 am service at PGUMC.  I don’t have an answer to that.  Right now, I just don’t know where I fit in at PGUMC.  When Joe was there, I knew.  I was with him, I participated in Bible Study, I watched over him and I made sure he was okay.  My job was to get him there on Sunday mornings and to get him to choir practice along with a few other things in between.  Now, I just go there and feel as lost as I do at home.  Don’t get me wrong, everyone there is very caring and loving and I still get lots and lots of hugs and well wishes.  But I just don’t feel like I have a purpose.  Both there and everywhere.  Could I find a church where I felt more “useful”?  Probably not.  The hole that is in my heart will be there no matter where I am or what pew I am sitting in.  I love the people at PGUMC and they have been so good to me and loved Joe so much.  That is what contributes to making this so hard.  But at other churches I don’t have the overwhelming sadness when someone else plays the piano, organ or directs the choir.  My life is still in such flux that I sometimes can’t form a rational thought.  Probably writing this is one of those times and this makes no sense.

I am still holding firm in 2^nd place in fundraising for the Relay for Life event at Leesville Road High School on May 31^st.  However, the number one position is getting farther and farther out of reach.  The person in 1^st is doing an incredible job and is clearly still raking in money.  I need to double my efforts to just keep ahead of the number 3 person.  So here goes the pitch.

Why I Participate in a Relay Event

Because on January 13, 2013, the most wonderful man I have ever known, died from pancreatic cancer. My partner in life and love fought that dreaded disease for more than 2 years. For more than two years he endured surgery and constant radiation and chemotherapy treatments. For more than two years he never complained but held his head high and lived a dignified life filled with love and grace. If that man, my husband, could fight that hard for that long, then I owe it to him to do whatever I can to help others not have to feel that pain. Because I know I will make a difference in the fight to end cancer. I know that by raising funds and walking in the American Cancer Society Relay For Life event, I will help save lives from cancer. I do it to honor Joe Lupton and the strength and dignity that he exemplified in life.  It's staggering to think that millions of people will be diagnosed with cancer this year. I know from personal experience that when that happens, life as you know it is changed forever.  Mine was.

I need your help.  I realize the difficult economic times we are in and I know that everyone can not make a donation.  However, no amount of money is too small or too large.  Every single dollar helps push me closer to my goal and more importantly, helps add to the funding for the American Cancer Society.  Each of you knew Joe.  You know how he lived his life before and after his diagnosis.  You know that he left us much too soon.  Think about him and consider making a donation. 

CLICK HERE TO BE DIRECTED TO THE WEBSITE WHERE YOU CAN MAKE

A DONATION TO SUPPORTMY “RELAY FOR LIFE” EFFORTS.

Thank you to everyone who has so generously already donated in support of my efforts and thank you in advance to those who may donate in the future.  I am extremely grateful to each and every one of you.

As I continue to go through each day, I think of Joe and I miss Joe.  My Joe was such a wonderful person or as I told him repeatedly before and after his diagnosis, he was the BEST person I had ever met.  Never a bad word about anyone, never a discouraging comment.  He always saw the best in everyone and made those around him feel so special just by his presence.  I will never meet anyone else like him as he was truly one of a kind.  I love you Joe, today more than ever.