January 24, 2013

I know my post of January 21st caused some concern form family, friends and acquaintances. That night concerned me and scared me. Enough so that I called both the hospice social worker and the Duke Cancer Center family therapy counselors office at 8:00am Tuesday morning. I have always considered myself a pretty strong person, but Monday night all the strength I ever had left me. It left me and all that was left was a scared, lost shell of my former self. Physical sickness from emotional stress is possible. That I can testify too.

So Tuesday after woking at the office for a few hours, I did meet with the social worker at the house and then met with the DCC counselor after that. Many, many more tears were shed at both meetings. By the time I got home around 4:30 pm, I was exhausted. Enough so that within minutes, I was asleep on the couch. My sister called around 7:00 pm and woke me up. After that I went up to bed and after a couple more phone calls from friends, I settled in. I didn't immediately go back to sleep, but did manage to drift off before midnight. I suppose the human body will eventually make you sleep regardless of what might be going on in your mind.

Wednesday I again went into work at 8:00 and worked a few hours. I made a trek to the courthouse with Joe's Will and then by lunchtime was home. A dear friend, Fredda Umphlett came over and made phone calls all afternoon for me dealing with insurance companies, Joe's 401k and our bank accounts. Having her make those calls was a huge weight off of me. I don't think I could have gotten through all of them in one afternoon. I probably would have given up after just one. I am so grateful to her for taking that on for me. Phone conversations about Joe's death are not easy for me. Speaking of which, Leigh Howard called me Wednesday when Fredda was here. I had not spoken to her since Joe's death and hearing her voice set my tears back to flowing. Joe and I both loved Leigh for the care she gave us but mostly we loved her for the kindness and loving nature that is just who she is. Her calling me is just an example of how much I know she cared for both of us and still does care for me. As I said in my eulogy, she and the other professionals Joe and I encountered on our journey truly are angels here on earth.

Today after a half day of work, I retuned to the DCC for another counseling session, a stop by the funeral home to pick up a few items, back to the courthouse with completed paperwork and then on the way home, listened to my inner Joe voice and went on to the credit union to take care of business rather than procrastinating. He always knew best. I need to listen to that inner voice. Tonight after dinner with Mark and Jill and a few phone calls, I am settling down for the night.

Tomorrow will be an "estate" free day. I plan to leave the bag of papers here at home and put in a full day at the office (weather permitting). On Saturday, Bettie and family are coming to visit. Bettie wanted to help me in some way, but a visit is all I need. Maybe we can have a few laughs in between tears and help each other heal just a little easier.

The cards, emails, phone calls and messages are so greatly appreciated. Through you and through faith I will get through this pain and grief. Please continue to remember me in your prayers. Thank you.