January 28, 2013

Do you ever have one of those days? You know the kind I'm talking about. Where you just aren't "with it"? Today started off with waking to the alarm after a rough night of lack of sleep. That was followed by discovering I was out of coffee at home. Then off to work to discover that for some reason my hands were shaking. I tried writing a name on an envelope only to discover it looked like chicken scratch. Solution?....I just printed a label instead. The rest of the day was uneventful and then during lunch I spent the time setting up BillPay. Changing bills from Joe's checking to mine. Not exactly relaxing. But I did what I needed to do the rest of the day and put in my full 8 hours at work. However, the moment I stepped out the door of the office it felt like an anvil was dropped on me. I suddenly had an overwhelming urge to cry, and I did, all the way home and then some. It wasn't until about 30 minutes after I got home that I was able to stop. My sister called and I calmed down. I called and spoke to Joe's mother while I was heating some soup for dinner. She continues to have trouble dealing with the loss of Joe. We have that in common.

I'm a little worried about going upstairs tonight. You know the saying "rainy days and Mondays always get me down". Is that going to be me? Last Monday scared me into counseling. What will this one do? I'm already scheduled to see the counselor tomorrow, so that base is covered. Another trip to the Duke Cancer Center. I want to see Leigh and Dr. Zafar but I'm scared of that right now. One day soon. Maybe an early night is in store. Couldn't hurt, right?

I have to stop eating so much. At this rate I'll be needing to buy new pants soon. That isn't in my budget. Sad and fat. That's just pitiful.

January 27, 2012

Is it weird to talk to someone who isn't physically here? Ok, let me re-phrase: is it crazy to talk to someone who isn't physically here? Tonight I find myself talking to Joe while watching "The Good Wife". That show was one of Joe's "all-time favorites". He watched it from the beginning while I skipped the first season until I got sucked in by Joe's constant nagging. But by last year I was hooked as well. So tonight, which has been a particularly good episode, I find myself talking to Joe and laughing at the really good parts. Wish he was watching it too! I can see his grin and sparkling eyes right now.

I miss him so.

January 24, 2013

I know my post of January 21st caused some concern form family, friends and acquaintances. That night concerned me and scared me. Enough so that I called both the hospice social worker and the Duke Cancer Center family therapy counselors office at 8:00am Tuesday morning. I have always considered myself a pretty strong person, but Monday night all the strength I ever had left me. It left me and all that was left was a scared, lost shell of my former self. Physical sickness from emotional stress is possible. That I can testify too.

So Tuesday after woking at the office for a few hours, I did meet with the social worker at the house and then met with the DCC counselor after that. Many, many more tears were shed at both meetings. By the time I got home around 4:30 pm, I was exhausted. Enough so that within minutes, I was asleep on the couch. My sister called around 7:00 pm and woke me up. After that I went up to bed and after a couple more phone calls from friends, I settled in. I didn't immediately go back to sleep, but did manage to drift off before midnight. I suppose the human body will eventually make you sleep regardless of what might be going on in your mind.

Wednesday I again went into work at 8:00 and worked a few hours. I made a trek to the courthouse with Joe's Will and then by lunchtime was home. A dear friend, Fredda Umphlett came over and made phone calls all afternoon for me dealing with insurance companies, Joe's 401k and our bank accounts. Having her make those calls was a huge weight off of me. I don't think I could have gotten through all of them in one afternoon. I probably would have given up after just one. I am so grateful to her for taking that on for me. Phone conversations about Joe's death are not easy for me. Speaking of which, Leigh Howard called me Wednesday when Fredda was here. I had not spoken to her since Joe's death and hearing her voice set my tears back to flowing. Joe and I both loved Leigh for the care she gave us but mostly we loved her for the kindness and loving nature that is just who she is. Her calling me is just an example of how much I know she cared for both of us and still does care for me. As I said in my eulogy, she and the other professionals Joe and I encountered on our journey truly are angels here on earth.

Today after a half day of work, I retuned to the DCC for another counseling session, a stop by the funeral home to pick up a few items, back to the courthouse with completed paperwork and then on the way home, listened to my inner Joe voice and went on to the credit union to take care of business rather than procrastinating. He always knew best. I need to listen to that inner voice. Tonight after dinner with Mark and Jill and a few phone calls, I am settling down for the night.

Tomorrow will be an "estate" free day. I plan to leave the bag of papers here at home and put in a full day at the office (weather permitting). On Saturday, Bettie and family are coming to visit. Bettie wanted to help me in some way, but a visit is all I need. Maybe we can have a few laughs in between tears and help each other heal just a little easier.

The cards, emails, phone calls and messages are so greatly appreciated. Through you and through faith I will get through this pain and grief. Please continue to remember me in your prayers. Thank you.

January 21, 2013

Lost. That is the first word to describe me, how I feel, what I am right now. Next word would be scared. Scared of tonight, of tomorrow, of my pain. So much to do but no energy or drive to get it done. One phone conversation about a credit card and I crumble into a mess of tears. Poor person on the other end of the phone. She wasn't prepared for my breakdown and I was not ready for the conversation. Now I'm afraid to try again.

Calls to Hospice social worker and our attorney tomorrow are first on the list. Hope those calls go better.

Why does tonight seem worse than the 8 nights before? Why does my heart hurt more than yesterday? Why can't I just lock myself in the house and hide? The reason: Because that is not what Joe would want me to do. I know in my head what I should do. It's my heart that is the problem. The huge gaping hole that is in the place my whole heart should be. Everything seems empty and quiet but at the same time painfully loud. Of course now I'm not making any sense at all.

What would Joe think of me being so lost and scared? He thought I was stronger than this. I thought I was stronger than this. It hurt when he was sick and I was scared but nothing like it hurts now. Those long nights in the emergency department, the night before his surgery, the nights of fevers - as bad as they were, I would welcome them right now. I know that is selfish. Joe was the one suffering then and now his pain is over. I am grateful. But I guess I'm selfish too. I want him here with me so bad. It's hard to breath. It's hard to think. It's hard to be alone in our home. It's hard to have company here. Its hard to talk on the phone. It's just hard not having him here.

How do people do this? Really, how?

Of course I made it through the night although I don't want a repeat of it anytime soon. Truly the human body has an inexhaustible supply of tears.

A Week Has Passed

Tonight at 7:00 pm, it will have been one week since Joe passed away. Yesterday was the hardest, yet one of the most beautiful days of my life. His memorial service is something I will never forget. Especially the words spoken by Rev. Jay Minnick, Rev. Meredith Snider and Lucinda Sullivan. But the best part was the music. I felt Joe there and he was so proud, touched and overwhelmed by it all. A special thanks to Jill Boliek, Jeff Whicker, Dave Rivers, the PGUMC Chancel Choir and the 50+ other colleagues, friends and students who joined in the mass choir to celebrate Joe's life. Nothing would have made him happier than to see all those people singing for him, in celebration of him and his impact in their lives. Joe was loved and admired by so many.

Also a big thank you to Dave and Kelsey for making the simulcast in the fellowship hall happen. I am so very grateful to you both. There will be a podcast available of the service. Once it is live and I have the link, I will post it so that everyone who was unable to attend can see, hear and experience this most wonderful tribute to my Joe.

Yesterday during the reception so many people asked how I was able to deliver the eulogy. My answer is a question and it is quite simple: How could I not do it? Joe Lupton was and shall always be my everything. He inspired me, guided me, took care of me. What I did for him during the time of his illness, pales in comparison to what he did for me every day before that as well as during his illness. I was always his primary concern. I had to let everyone know that played a part in his life just how much he cared for them and how much they were loved.

This next week will probably be the hardest as I start the task of getting all the financial and business taken care of. Thank you for all that everyone has done for me and our families this past week. I love each of you and am so grateful.

Thank You for the Outpouring of Love

MR. JOSEPH WILLIAMS LUPTON, JR.

DURHAM: Mr. Joseph Williams Lupton, Jr., 56, died Sunday evening at his home. Mr. Lupton was born in Pitt Co., NC, the son of Willie Mae Moye Lupton of Greenville, NC and the late Joseph Williams Lupton, Sr. He was a retired chorus teacher with the Durham Public Schools and pianist, organist and Choir Director at Pleasant Grove United Methodist Church.

​In addition to his mother, Mr. Lupton is survived by his spouse, Jeffrey Deon Holland; brother, Bill Lupton and wife, Sandy, of Las Vegas, NV; sister, Bettie Lupton Jungers and husband, Mark, of Greenville, NC; two nieces and one nephew.

​A memorial service will be held Saturday, 2pm at Pleasant Grove United Methodist Church.

​In lieu of flowers, memorial contributions may be made to Pleasant Grove United Methodist Church Music Fund, 4415 Pleasant Grove Church Rd., Raleigh, NC 27613 or Pancreatic Cancer Action Network, 1500 Rosecrans Ave., Ste 200, Manhatten Beach, CA 90266.

Calling All Singing Friends/Colleagues/Students

Hi everyone.  I was asked by Jill Boliek to post this in an effort to get the word out to the chorus/choir community.

The memorial service for Joe will be Saturday, January 19 at 2pm at Pleasant Grove United Methodist Church. 4415 Pleasant Grove Church Road Raleigh, NC 27613.

Anyone who wishes to sing “Hark, I Hear the Harps Eternal” (arr. Alice Parker) and “In This Very Room” (Ron & Carol Harris) need to RSVP to Jill  (Jill.Boliek@dpsnc.net) with their voice part by Friday. There will be a rehearsal at 12:30pm on Saturday before the service. Both songs can be found on YouTube. Music will be provided on Saturday.

Please spread the word.

Joe's Memorial Service

It is so surreal for me to be writing this. Sleep isn't coming easy and I've been reading the posts on Joe's Facebook page as well as on the blog. I was looking at E numbers and on Joe's Facebook page since people learned of his death Sunday night, there have been over 450 posts in which he was tagged by friends and former students expressing their grief at his passing and thanking him for being as so many put it, "the best teacher they ever had". That was my Joe.

The memorial service for Joe will be this Saturday at 2pm at Pleasant Grove United Methodist Church, 4415 Pleasant Grove Church Road, Raleigh, NC 27613. Joe has had such an impact on so many lives and we wish to honor him in a simple service filled with music in the place we call our church home. We hope to be surrounded by family and friends as we celebrate Joe's lasting influence on our lives. Thank you for the huge outpouring of love on his Facebook page. I know that this wonderful man that I was blessed to spend the last 15 years with is seeing and listening to all the wonderful tributes and smiling. Thank you.

My Love Has Passed

Tonight the love of my life, my rock, the reason I am the man I am, my Joe passed away. Very quietly and without pain. I am numb, devastated and if my mind were clearer, probably many more things.

Thank you to Jay Minnick, Mark and Jill Boliek, Lara and Joe Wood, Mackenzie Casey, Jeff Whicker, the Parkwood EMT's, the hospice nurse, my sister Phyllis and my niece Aimee for coming so quickly. Time has stood still tonight.

Anyone reading, please pray for the entire Lupton and Holland families as we try to comprehend what has happened. Joe is where he will never feel any pain and making even more beautiful music (if that is possible).

I will begin working on arrangements for his memorial service and will do my best to keep everyone informed. Thank you for your prayers and support tonight and going forward. I need your help now more than ever.

Brief Saturday Night Update

Today has been quite unpleasant. Joe has been having breathing and dizziness issues all day. Other than bathroom trips, he spent the entire day in bed. His appetite, practically non-existent. One positive; his cough has been much better today and with less cough medication even. He is allowed three of the "pearl" pills, but after taking one this morning, didn't take another until bedtime. He also only needed one dose of the Tussin DM.

The other thing today was my phone call to the on-call hospice nurse about Joe's increased dizziness. I think in the span of our 3 minute conversation she mentioned letting Joe "die in peace" four times. Needless to say it was not a good conversation and ended with me saying something to the effect that since she wasn't going to be of any assistance I'd just hang up. A few minutes later, the hospice social worker called and was asking me about Joe and I mentioned the conversation with "Evelyn" and she said that she thought she might give hear all herself. Amazingly enough, a few minutes later, Evelyn called with a much different demeanor and actually offered some helpful guidance. Have I mentioned that I'm still in the angry phase??

I did manage to get all Christmas decor down with the exception of the tree. I will tackle that tomorrow. Christmas trees are the bane of my existence. I never want to put them up. It takes too long, but Joe insists. So now I've got to take it down. Anyone care to wager how many ornaments will accidentally get broken?

Here's to hoping tomorrow is a better day. Thank you for the prayers and good wishes. I know there is a stack of Facebook messages that I have not attended to, but other than popping on to send happy birthday wishes, I just haven't been online today. I will get to it eventually. Sleep is coming for me so I will close.

Thank you.