Cosmic Joke or Bad Dream?

I don't even know what to call this morning. What's worse than crappy? Joe was up at 5:30am this morning with his fever returning and going back over 100. Not much "wiggle room" left before it might be time for another visit to the Duke Emergency Dept. Call me naive, but I had hoped we were past those visits, at least for now. Sitting here in the dark, yes the bedroom is still dark, my mind is racing and my insides are a knot. I know I'm supposed to be the calm one, the smiling one. This morning I'm anything but calm or smiling, inside. I wish I could just scream and wake up from this insanity or tell whoever came up with this cosmic joke that I'm not laughing. The only problem with that is that I know this isn't some bad dream I can wake up from. If there is a joke, it's on me. I sit here on the bed and listen to Joe's restless tossing and turning in between soft snoring. I feel his forehead and the heat radiating off of him. It could just be chemo related, or it could be something else. I'm watching the clock so I can take his temperature at the right time. I cry inside so as not to disturb him. But I want to yell and throw a temper tantrum like a child. I want someone to tell me it will all be okay. Any takers? I didn't think so. I'm a realist just like you. I will just pray harder. Find comfort there. I'll just put the smile back on my face and take a pill. I'll let my inner voice scream and cry as loud as it can and continue to beg to wake up. But I know I'm not dreaming. This is my reality.