The Week After Relay

After a really tiring first part of the weekend due to Relay for Life, and an attempt at a recuperative latter part of the weekend, the work week started off in typical fashion.   Although the week itself has been rather typical, my mindset has not.  As I said in the post about the Relay, it was much more emotional than I had expected.  Now don't get me wrong, I had no illusions of it not being filled with emotion, I just didn't anticipate the level that I was effected.  Or is that affected?  I can never remember which is which, or which is appropriate.

Saturday I was still trying to catch up on sleep, but in my awake time, my mind was overwhelmed with thoughts of Joe and of the events the night before.  Sunday brought a lovely sermon at church followed by my usual McDonalds breakfast (some traditions continue no matter what!) and an early day home.  I was still quite tired and was very tempted to spend the afternoon on the couch napping, but I knew that would probably do more harm than good by keeping me from getting into my normal sleep pattern.  So I was a very good boy, took no afternoon nap and was able to turn in reasonably early after doing laundry and getting two baskets of clothes folded and put away.  YAY for me!  I had been using one clothes basket all week since my drawers were empty.  But Sunday, I folded everything!  However, all day, I had the night of the Relay playing over in my head and also was flooded with memories of Joe.  So of course, tears were shed.  But also big smiles.

So far all week, thoughts and memories of Joe have been consistently present.  Particularly, I've been thinking about him playing the organ at church.  Over the past few years, I've posted several videos of him either rehearsing or morning preludes at PGUMC on Youtube.  Mostly I would record before the 8:30 a.m. service started and then would post during the service (no disrespect to Jay as I would then be at the 11 a.m. service and pay attention).  I had forgotten some of the ones that I had posted and came across one from last year from just before Halloween when he was at the church on the Saturday before practicing.  I was standing out at the front of the pulpit area by the lectern with my iPad just recording him practice.  I vaguely remember being there but didn't have a specific memory of that particular rehearsal.  So I watched the video and listened to him playing the very gothic sounding music (Joe always pulled out the same piece at Halloween time for his postlude).  When he finished playing the piece, he stopped, looked up at me and waved.  That was when my heart just burst.  That wave has been in my head for the past three days.  I just keep seeing it, smiling at his childlike innocence in the expression on his face as he waves at me.  

I found several other videos that I didn't remember and some others that I remember quite well.  But it just keeps coming back to that wave.  He used to wave at me all the time for no reason.  If I was in the family room and he was in the kitchen, he'd randomly wave at me.  When we would do Facetime he would always end with a wave to me.  A silly little habit, but one I had not thought about in some time until I watched the video.  I suppose as time goes on, I will remember other little, mostly insignificant things that I haven't thought about and will attach importance to them like I now have that little wave.  I have the photo of him at the beach that I had at his memorial service and also at the Relay for Life with him wearing that terrible hat he always wore at the beach sitting upstairs in our room on the dresser, waving at me every night and morning.  Such has been my week.  I have cried no more than usual, but I have smiled a lot.  I have smiled when I think about the 14 years, 3 months and 18 days we had together; I have smiled when I think about the silliness that was Joe; I have smiled when I think of all the people that turned out for Relay; I have smiled when I think of how tired I was and how much my legs, back and feet hurt afterwards: I have smiled when I think of all of our TEAM - we worked together to get everything set up, we worked together to keep someone on the track at all times, we worked together out of love for those we have lost and those that are still in the fight.  I'm excited about next year.  I'm excited and smiling about urging more people from PGUMC to come out for a short while or for a long time.  If you come out, you will not be sorry.  You will feel the energy, feel the love, feel the loss, feel the positive attitudes.  I wish I could capture it in a bottle and sell it.  I would beat that Renee woman for sure!  Speaking of which, she has made me smile every time I think of her and how she approached me and Challie.  

No matter the tears, no matter the sadness, I remember every single minute from the time I arrived until the time I left with a smile and joy in my heart.  Thank you Caroline for making it happen.  Thank you to my donors for urging me on and helping me financially with my efforts.  Thank you to all my team mates for being there for me and for one another.  Each of you inspire me.