February 14, 2013

I have heard from many people this week expressing their sympathy and concern knowing that this would be a hard week for me. With this past Monday being Joe's birthday, Ash Wednesday yesterday and Valentines Day today, yes it has been a difficult week. Monday was tough and I only managed to work through late morning that day. I met a co-worker for lunch and then that night, part of our little "group" met for dinner to celebrate Joe. Being with friends definitely helped me through the day.

Tuesday I had a counseling session at the Duke Cancer Center in the late afternoon so I was able to work most of the day. I can't say that I "enjoy" the sessions but I do find them helpful. The key is to be brutally honest about my feelings. I leave exhausted, but being able to talk freely with someone is a step forward.

I worked full days on Wednesday and today and have just tried not to think about Valentines Day. I usually didn't make much fuss over this day, but Joe always did. There was always a card, usually flowers and chocolate. He tended to spoil me and of course I let him. I bought three bouquets of roses on Sunday for Joe's birthday because he loved having fresh flowers in the house. So even though he wasn't here to give me flowers, I can look around the living room, dining room and family room and see beautiful flowers that remind me of these two special days that we had for over 14 years.

Yesterday was the Ash Wednesday service at PGUMC. It was very emotional for me. I know I will eventually get used to being at church without Joe, and eventually used to hearing the choir sing without Joe but it still gets to be a little overwhelming sometimes. Last night was one of those. It's a good thing that it is a very short service since I pretty much cried through most of it. Any longer and I probably would have just had to leave.

Everyone has been so sympathetic and supportive. I can't thank everyone by name, but you know who you are: those of you who write me emails expressing support; those of you who send sympathy cards; those of you who call to check up on me; those of you who have taken me out to dinner or lunch; those of you who offer a hug and a shoulder; those of you who listen to me when i need to talk; those of you who give me a reassuring smile when you see me. I thank all of you.

This weekend I am going to go to Hope Mills to see my family. Get away from Durham if just for a day. I think it will do me some good but I know I'll probably tear up during the drive since this too will be my first trip back home without Joe in so, so many years. Another place where we made precious memories. One day I will notice the list of "firsts" has grown shorter rather than longer but that day is a long way off right now.

I hope everyone has had a most happy and love filled Valentines Day. Hold your loved ones close and tell them how much they mean to you. The one thing I do find comfort in is the knowledge that Joe Lupton knew how much I loved him and I know how much he loved me. Never a day went by that we didn't say it and show that love to one another. So I'll close with "Joe, you are still My Valentine and I love you."