In A Mood

For the last 5 or 6 days I’ve been in a mood that I can’t quite describe.  It’s not a bad mood, though not a good mood.  It’s not a down mood, but not really feeling up either.  Maybe just a blue funk?   Feeling sorry for myself for no apparent reason?  Feeling out of sorts?  I really don’t know how to describe, but not just myself.  Not that I’m the most upbeat of people in the first place, but for the last few days, I’ve really not wanted to be around anyone.  That presents it’s own problems since I work in an office full of people.  Work is so-so.  We are getting closer to our target move date, but there are already rumors of it being delayed by a little bit.  The target date is June 29^th, or so that is what I’ve been told and that is the date that I have given to the phone company, our phone equipment people, our IT person, Time Warner Cable and various other vendors.  If it does get delayed, I’ll have to just contact them all over again.  At this point I wouldn’t mind at all if it were delayed by a week or so.  The following week is the 4^th, so we will be closed a day that week and then the following week Joe and I will be at the beach.  I don’t think I would mind one bit if the move happened without me there!  Come to think of it, it would probably be a good thing.  I’m always swamped after a week off anyway, might as well add hooking up my computer and getting my files straightened out to the work load.  All of that has contributed to a general feeling of apprehension, but that really isn’t the “mood” I’m feeling either. 

I knew something wasn’t quite right on Saturday evening when I was mowing the backyard.  I really don’t like mowing, but for some reason, Saturday wasn’t dreadful.  However, I did find myself crying the entire time I was mowing.  Not boo-hooing or sobbing, just a slow steady trail of tear drops running from my eyes the entire time.  My mind was going to all kinds of bad places so I know that’s the reason for the tears, but I don’t know what caused my mind to go there in the first place.  Ever since that night, I’ve just not had any interest in much of anything.  Even watching the premier of “True Blood” Sunday night wasn’t fulfilling.

I know I haven’t been getting as much sleep as I need the last couple of weeks, so maybe it’s just some fatigue setting in.  I’m taking my meds, so that’s not it.  Joe is doing well and feeling well, so that shouldn’t be it either, but I’m sure Joe’s illness does fall in there somewhere.  That’s something that is never out of my mind.  He has this week off from chemo but next week he has his bi-monthly CT Scan.  That usually puts me on edge.  At least this time the scan is on Wednesday and he sees the doctor on Thursday.  No days of worrying and wondering.  Just 1 day!  But that is more than a week away and was almost 2 weeks away when the “funk” started.  I’ve had bad days in the past couple of years, but not any that have gone on for so long.  Maybe it’s just old age.  Maybe it’s just from being fat.  Maybe it’s just me being a new me.  A sad, don’t want to be around anyone and would rather just be left alone me.  Maybe I’m just bored.  Maybe I’m just being more of a whiner than usual, although I don’t think that is actually possible.  Just ask Joe! 

Speaking of Joe, he got some bad news on Tuesday.  His friend, Liz Werner, from growing up in Roanoke Rapids that was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in late winter, died on Monday night.  Her cancer had spread to her bones and throughout her body so she had made the decision about 1 ½ to 2 months ago to stop treatment and just try to enjoy what time she had left.  The doctors helped keep her pain level at a minimum so she could function and she did lots of things she had put off during the last 2 months.  Even though we knew this was going to happen with the advanced stage of her cancer and her stopping her treatment, it still shook Joe up to lose a friend, and especially to lose Liz to pancreatic cancer.  Please say a special prayer for Liz’s family and friends during this time and please include Joe in there too.

Thank you to everyone for your continued support and prayers.  Joe and I are truly blessed to have so many people helping us.