Can I get an "AMEN" that February is over?

February is over!  WOW, what a month…and not all good.  My last post was on Joe’s birthday and that set the tone for pretty much the whole month.  I had no real illusion that just because the firsts were over that the seconds would be much better.  Joe’s birthday was a very sad day.  I handled it well, but it was a mellow kind of day.  The snow that fell on his birthday was a nice touch though.  However, what followed for the rest of the week was a little over the top.  Snow, then some snow, followed by ice and then a whole lot more snow.  One of my co-workers texted me on Thursday during the height of some of the heaviest snow and asked me if I could tell Joe that enough was enough!  That man really did like to see the white stuff falling.  He would have had a great time for the 24+ hours that we had stuff coming down.  Now mind you, I like snow as much as the next person, but after being here at the house for only 8 hours watching it fall, I had had enough.  I usually would have enjoyed it more, but much of that was because before I had a 6’7” man running around like a kid.  I tried to stay positive, but after hours upon hours of snow coverage on the TV, hours and hours of snow coverage on the internet, I was ready for it to end.  It was very pretty though.  I got some very nice photos and a couple of good videos.  A friend of mine from church told me the following Sunday that she thought she could probably find my house in Durham because of all the photos I posted on Facebook of my backyard.  I never actually went outside, but rather would just open the back or front doors and shoot from the threshold.  It was cold out there.  After arriving at home on Wednesday at noon, I didn’t venture outside except from my doorway until Friday at noon when I drove to the office.  But that was then.  The white stuff fell, it was pretty, it was nice, now it’s over….until we get sleet tonight anyway.

By mid-month, my head was starting to refocus.  But then the last half of February happened.  Now it wasn’t all bad.  I had the opportunity to go prom dress shopping with Sara & Aimee…2 days.  I got to go down to Hope Mills for Sara’s 18^th birthday party….that I really enjoyed.  It’s hard to believe that she is actually 18 and going to college next year.  Seems like just yesterday that her little 3 year old self waddled over to Joe and asked, “can I call you Uncle Joe?”  That was the moment that she stole a part of his heart and she never let go.  I am so glad that she got to spend the afternoon with him the day that he died.  She got to lay on the bed and talk to him all alone.  He got to look at her and smile.  He was so happy to have seen them that day, although feeling like crap.

But I digress.  Then the month started to go wrong.  First Joe’s cousin David had a heart attack and was rushed to the hospital in Wilmington.  It was very bad.  The prognosis was very grave.  Then less than 2 weeks later, David’s father, Joe’s Uncle Dave was rushed to the hospital in Laurinburg.  His prognosis was even worse.  Joe’s cousin Steve, David’s brother and Dave’s other son, left Asheville and went to his dad.  Sadly, only 4 days later, Uncle Dave died.  Then just yesterday, just a little over a week after his father passed away, David died in Wilmington.  It has been an extremely tough time for the family.  My heart goes out to David’s wife Vickie; his children, Holly, Christopher and Adam; and his brother Steve, along with the entire family. 

Loss.  That just seems to be what February was about.  Me revisiting, yet again my loss.  The family being dealt a terrible blow yet again.

February also has been the start of the Relay for Life 2014.  I’ve started trying to get an early start on donations to support my walk again this year.  So far so good.  I’m very pleased especially since it is still very early.  This year’s event is May 30-31^st and once again will be at Leesville Road High School.  I set my initial goal a little higher than I did last year and hopefully by the end of March, I will have attained that goal and can bump up the amount significantly.  Last year I moved the goal up higher 3 times.  While I hope to surpass last year, I don’t want to be greedy, so I’ll just plan on 2 goals.  My initial $2000.00 and once I reach that, I’ll raise the goal to $4000.00.  That’s not asking too much is it?  “Reach for the moon.  Even if you miss, you land among  the stars.”  Right?

So with that said, if you would like to sponsor me in my 14 hour walk, you can do so by clicking on the link below.  You can donate via credit card by clicking on the donate now button on the website or you can click on the link below the “Donate Now” button and print off the donation sheet and mail in with a check.  Please make the check payable to The American Cancer Society.  Your donation is 100% tax deductible.  CLICK HERE TO GO TO JEFF’S RELAY FOR LIFE WEB PAGE

“We Walk All Night Because Cancer Never Sleeps”

Here’s hoping March brings some brighter moments in all our lives.  Thank you for your prayers, your support, your concern and your friendships.

Happy Birthday Joe

It's been an up and down kind of day.  I had done really well until lunch time when I checked Facebook and saw all the Happy Birthday wishes that friends were posting on Joe's wall.  That brought some tears to my eyes for a little while.  Once I was home this evening I got to thinking about his birthday, the snow yesterday and the forecast for more over the next two days.  He would have been like a kid in the candy store: his birthday and multiple snows all in the same week.  We wouldn't even have had to get him a present, the snow would have been enough.  A big goofy smile and lots and lots of hot chocolate.  That man could down some hot chocolate on snow days....and other days.  Thinking about the snow got me to thinking about snows in the past: the 20+ inches in January 2000 when we hiked 2 miles to a convenience store; the ice storm of December 2002 when we had no power for 7 days and boiled water on top of a kerosene heater; the snow of February 2004 when we walked through the snow covered woods of what is now our neighborhood; the snow/ice of January 2006 when we decided to go for a walk but only made it to the sidewalk in front of the house before both of us slipped and fell thus deciding to go back inside for two days; and on and on up to the snow of January 2009 when we went walking in the post-dawn hours while the snow was still falling.  That's where the photos below were taken.  As I looked at the photos, the one that struck me most was the one of Joe looking at me in the distance and the one of Joe walking away, footprints in the snow.

                              

                           

That's when I couldn't hold back the tears and I had a long cry.  I remember vividly taking that photo and subsequently talking with Joe about how much I liked it.  The simplicity, the footprints, just Joe and the snow.  I even had it as my laptop wallpaper for a while.  Now it takes on a whole different feeling, a whole different meaning for me.  With that I decided to come on upstairs and go to bed.  As I brushed my teeth, I looked over at the window and the plant that sits there.  It's a poinsettia that a piano student of Joe's gave him in November 2011.  It was blooming then and right after Christmas the blooms fell off.  It didn't bloom again until I noticed one on it on Joe's birthday last year, one month after he died.  Tonight as I glanced over there I noticed something new...once again on his birthday.  One small, solitary bloom.  From Joe.

                               

It may sound silly to some, but Joe knows how much I like the color red and have at least one red thing in each room. Giving me a little red flower is just the type of thing he would do to surprise me.  I love you Joe.  Happy Birthday.

Relay For Life 2014...Yes, it's time to get started again

Yep, I'm afraid so folks....get out your checkbooks and/or credit cards 'cause Jeff is coming to ask for money for sponsorship.  My walk for Relay For Life will be Friday, May 30, 2014 @ 6:00 pm through Saturday, May 31 @ 8:00 am.  Here is my story:

Why I Participate in a Relay Event 
Because on January 13, 2013, the most wonderful man I have ever known, died from pancreatic cancer. My partner in life and love fought that dreaded disease for more than 2 years.  For more than two years he endured surgery and constant radiation and chemotherapy treatments.  For more than two years he never complained but held his head high and lived a dignified life filled with love and grace.  If that man, my husband, could fight that hard for that long, then I owe it to him to do whatever I can to help others not have to feel that pain.  Because I know I will make a difference in the fight to end cancer. I know that by raising funds and walking in the American Cancer Society Relay For Life event, I will help save lives from cancer. I do it to honor Joe Lupton and the strength and dignity that he exemplified in life. I do it to honor my mother who died of colon cancer in 1997.  I do it to honor my colleague Cathy Walker who fought colon cancer in 2013 and won.  I do it to honor Paxton Phelps who has bravely fought leukemia this past year and taught all of us what real courage is as he continues his battle, heading towards victory. (Go Team Paxton!)

It's astounding to think that millions of people will be diagnosed with cancer this year. I know from personal experience that when that happens, life as you know it is changed forever.  Mine was.

A Relay For Life event is not only a way to join my community to fight back against cancer, but it is also a way to inspire hope by raising funds and awareness to help those facing the disease. All of us know someone who has had, or has a form of this dreaded disease.  That is overwhelming to me.  A disease is so prevalent in our society, that all of us have been touched by it in some way.
 
Who I'm Participating For
My reason for participating in my Relay For Life event is very personal.  It is for the most important person that ever was a part of my life.  It is for my partner and husband. We all participate in Relay events because we've been affected by cancer in some way and because a Relay For Life event gives us the power to make a difference and fight back. This is my opportunity to honor Joe and the incredible impact he had on so many lives.  He was loved by so many.  Influenced so many.  He should be here.  He should be physically walking beside me in this event.  However, pancreatic cancer took him much too soon.  So I will be there and carry him in my heart and throughout my very being throughout the night and the rest of my life.

I have signed up to walk and fundraise in the Leesville/Briercreek/RTP Relay For Life event. I hope you will consider making a donation in support of my efforts. Or come join me.  It is one of the most rewarding nights you can ever had. Last year we laughed alot, we cried alot and we walked alot.  Walking last year was the impetus for me making radical lifestyle changes:  excercise, diet and attitude.  Now I am more than 50 lbs lighter and will probably run some of the laps this year!  The event is filled with empathy, grace and fellowship.  If you haven't participated in one, consider it.  You will not regret it. (Unless it rains!!)

Together, we have the power to help create a world where cancer can no longer claim another  life.
For my Joe.  Joe Lupton. 2/11/1956 - 1/13/2013

If you are feeling even remotely generous, please visit my Relay for Life page HERE .  You can contribute by credit card online or you can print up a donation sheet and mail a check.  If you write a check, be sure and make it out to The American Cancer Society.  The information needed to identify the event I am participating in is on my page.  Once again, you can access the page by clicking HERE.

Last year I far exceeded by primary goal.  I hope to do so again this year.  But it isn't about coming in first, second or third (which I did last year by the way out of approximately 300 participants...but whose counting, right?).  It's about raising money to fund research and creating awareness of this overwhelming disease and the need to find better treatment and ultimately cures.

Here is link to the Luminaria walk from last year:  LUMINARIA WALK - RELAY FOR LIVE 2013

Thank you for the consideration and for your support.

Overwhelmed -vs- Underwhelmed

I'm not sure which I am...overwhelmed or underwhelmed....or overwhelmed by how underwhelming things in my life are.  First off, I could conceivably go "postal" (do we still use that phrase?  It's been so long since one of our postal workers has gone on a shooting rampage.  Students, movie goers and shoppers seem to be more en vogue recently) on a couple of people at work.  Between sheer disregard for the health of others and gossip, it's not safe to be there.  I mean really, if you are coughing up phlegm constantly, running a fever and wheezing with each breath, GO HOME and stop infecting the entire staff.  Also, office gossip is so tiresome, especially when it's not accurate.  I leave work every day in a bad mood.  That can't be healthy for me.  

Then there are the other aspects of my life:  my eating self control has pretty much gone out the window; I've found it incredibly difficult to get back into a steady workout routine since the holidays; and I've been feeling myself slip slowly into wanting more and more solitude.   So work is overwhelming in its irritation while being underwhelming at the desire to even be there.  Trying to get back into my weight loss/healthy living/workout routine is overwhelming because I can't find the self motivation that I had last year.  The desire to just be alone is underwhelming because deep down, that is not what I want my life to be like.  There are smaller things that occupy other aspects of my day-in, day-out routine that contribute to my present state, but I won't bore you any more than I already have.  

The bottom line is, January sucked and I honestly do hope February is better.  If I can only get out of this slump I've been in the last few weeks, I'm going to make some serious changes.  Or maybe I need to make some serious changes to get out of this slump.  Which came first, the chicken or the egg?  I did have a productive afternoon though, and I am quite proud.  I finally went through Joe's clothes in our closet.  I only kept a few items: his suit that he wore at our wedding, his lavender & red Polo shirts, his red sweat shirt, and his bathrobe.  Mind you, there are a few of his things that I have been wearing for several years and have claimed them as my own for all that time, but other than those items, his side of the closet has finally been cleaned out.  Of course now I need to do the same to my side.  I need to get rid of my larger size clothes as well as some really outdated items.  Durham Rescue Mission will be loving me next weekend!

To my friends on Facebook, please consider the "Purple Your Profile" campaign from Chevrolet for February 4th, World Cancer Day.  For everyone who participates, Chevrolet will donate $1.00 to the American Cancer Society.  You can use this link to make your profile purple. (Do not worry, the non purple version of you profile picture will remain in you photos and can be changed back at any time)

http://www.chevrolet.com/purple-roads-world-cancer-day.html

Every dollar makes a difference and this doesn't even come out of your pocket!

My rings are now purple on Facebook....I might just leave them that way.  I kinda like it!

So many people reached out to me during the days around the one year anniversary of Joe's death.  Thank you for your caring, your prayers, your support and your love.  Each of you continue to make a difference in my life.

The Last First

This weekend as the one year anniversary of Joe's death has neared I have not been able to get the events of that night out of my head.  It's not surprising since I've thought about that night for the last 364 evenings.  However since yesterday, it has been constantly on my mind.  I've watched movies, TV shows, monitored tornado warnings (that was wild yesterday huh?), read from two books, ran 5 miles in the rain, and I can't get the thoughts out of my brain.  I've said before that 7:05 pm on 1/13/13 is permanently seared into my brain but I've been wracking my brain trying to remember other parts of the evening.

I remember very vividly (too vividly actually) finding Joe after I had taken the trash out to the curb.  I remember vividly screaming at him, shaking him and becoming quite hysterical.  I remember vividly calling 911 and having the operator walk me through CPR while waiting for the dispatched EMT's to arrive.  I remember vividly running down the stairs and letting the EMT's in and telling them where Joe was and that I had the DNR order from hospice.  I remember vividly watching and listening to the EMT's as they checked for any sign of life and telling me he was gone.  I remember vividly them telling me sit down, trying to calm me and asking if there was a neighbor or someone close by that they could get for me (I had them go next door and tell Mackenzie).  I remember vividly calling my sister, Jay and Bill.  I remember vividly when Mackenzie came in and held me as I lay on the bed next to Joe's lifeless body and cried.  I remember vividly when Jay arrived (it seemed like he made it from the church to my house in 5 minutes) and the look on his face.  I remember Jay asking if I had called Jill and I said no.  I remember trying to find her number on my phone but my hands were shaking too much so either Jay or Mackenzie took the phone and made the call.  At some point the hospice nurse arrived (I couldn't pick her out of a line up at this point if I had to) and she pronounced Joe deceased.  We talked about funeral homes and she made the call to Clements for me.  I don't remember anyone else arriving at the house although I remember people being there.  Jill and Mark.  Phyllis and Aimee.  Mike and Jeff.  Lara and Joe.  The EMT's left but returned after the men from Clements arrived to help bring Joe downstairs from the bedroom.  I talked with the man from Clements about arrangements and my friends and family were here.  I don't know who was in the room with me.  I don't know who saw Joe before they took him away.  I don't remember if I called Rob and Lola.  I remember talking to Bill again later in the evening and I remember talking to Bettie.  I know that Joe's mother stayed at Bettie's house that night but I don't remember if I talked to her.  I remember sitting in the family room for what seemed like hours and hours with everyone, but I don't think it was really that long.  I remember Phyllis and Aimee staying the night with me.  I remember going up to bed that night and laying on Joe's side of the bed (I still sleep there every night).  I know I did a video post that night as there is evidence on the blog, but I don't remember doing it.  I remember crying.

The events of the next week are somewhat blurred at times as well.  The next day, Monday, I went to the bank first thing and retrieved items from the safety deposit box (will, power of attorney, car titles, etc).  At some point and I'm not sure if it was in the morning or closer to noon, Bettie and Joe's mother arrived.  Early afternoon we went to the funeral home where we made the arrangements and were able to see Joe. Mark was here at the house all day and stayed here with me that night.  People were coming and going and it is all a bit of a haze.  I don't remember any specifics about Tuesday, Wednesday or the daylight hours of Thursday.  I remember there was a storm on Thursday evening, it snowed just as Bill and Sandy landed at RDU, and the power at the house went out.  We have concluded that the snow was Joe's way of welcoming Bill and Sandy to Durham as he loved very few things more than snow.  On Friday Bill and I went to Clements to pick up Joe's ashes and then over to the church to deliver them for the service the next day.  I have no specific memories of Friday night.  Of course the service was Saturday and that I remember very well.

So what do I do with these memories?  Do I try and hold onto them or do I let them fade so that only the memories of our life together remains?  I'm sure over time, even the details that I do remember will fade.  All but walking into the bedroom and finding him.  That detail I'm sure will remain with me.  I still remember being in the hospital room with my mom in 1997 when I heard her take her last breath and then die.  That sound and sight is still as fresh now as it was 17 years ago.  I guess some things just stay with you.  I guess we are put in certain places at certain times for a reason.  Ours is not to question why.  Yeah, right!  This is me we are talking about.  I question everything.  Who, where, when, how and definitely why.  I still question why I wasn't in the room when Joe took his last breath.  I was there for the diagnosis, the treatment, the surgeries, the hospitalizations, the nausea, the diarrhea, the fatigue, the insomnia,...the good, the bad and the ugly.  Why wasn't I there at that moment?  We didn't have much trash.  We had only been home 3 days that week from the hospital.  I didn't have to take it out.  It could have waited.  I know, I know, I know....quit beating myself up, quit asking a question that can't be answered.  I wish I could.  I've tried for a year but haven't been able to let it go.

Monday is the 1 year anniversary of the worst day of my life.  The last first.  Will the seconds be easier?  I pray they are.

                                   

As I sit here tonight I'm trying to think of my favorite memory of Joe.  There are so, so many it is impossible to pinpoint an "all-time favorite" as Joe would say.  Our wedding of course places up there in the favorite category along with the first time he told me he loved me, the look on his face the first time I told him I loved him and the other sentimental, lovey-dovey times.  But there are all the times he laughed so loudly in movie theaters that it embarrassed me, the times Sara visited and we did "family" things, the trips around the U.S., the nights sitting in the rocking chairs at the beach, the night he got so mad at me and stormed out of the house and backed his car out of the garage only to return a minute later, deflated, because he couldn't think of any where to go (I laughed until I cried at how frustrated he was...he laughed too!), the excitement he had when he got the finished copy of his first CD, the many, many, many times he just looked at me and I could see the love in his eyes.  What is there not to miss when it comes to Joe.  He infected all of us with his joy and love for life and music.  We all love you Joe Lupton.  We all miss you.

Maybe I Should....

First full gang get together since Joe's death was tonight.  Yes, we are just one week away from it being 1 year since he died and it took us this long.  I think it's safe to say that since Joe was how we all met, he was the glue that kept us together so it has taken awhile.  We had great food, great laughs, and great conversation.  I know the absence of Joe was the "white elephant" in the room, but it didn't bring the festivities down.  He was mentioned constantly, referenced continually.  His presence is still felt.  

However, I, couldn't help but watch and listen and think.  Everyone's lives have continued to move forward, and rightly so, but as I watched, it became even more apparent, if only to me, that I haven't.  I'm still right where I was a year ago.  My head, my heart, my conscience self, my unconscious self are holding firm, still not moving forward.   My friends loved Joe and all still miss him terribly.  I know that.  It's just strange for me to be in their company, en masse, and see how their lives continue to move and change while mine has stayed rooted in one moment in time for a year now.  I can talk about all that has gone on the past year on a variety of subjects and matters but my head is still firmly entrenched in 7:05pm on 1/13/13.  It hasn't moved from those first 5 minutes since then.  It's there with me while I'm at work, while I'm at home, while I'm at church, while I'm  at the YMCA, while I'm eating, while I'm reading, while I'm watching TV, and most prominently while I'm sleeping.  It is so very odd to be with my closest friends and feel so very separate from them at the same time.  It's odd to be with my closest friends and feel I have very little in common with them any more.  It's odd to be with my closest friends and be thinking of how soon can I leave without hurting any feelings.  Disconnected is probably the best word to use.  But it isn't just my friends.  I feel disconnected from most everyone in my life; friends, co-workers, family.  I can plaster the smile on my face but sometimes it is just a facade and rather than be where I am or with someone, I had just as-soon be at home on the couch or in bed reading.  I've never been the most social of people, which ALL my friends can attest to but I wonder if I'm becoming just plain antisocial.  Sort of the "if I can't have it my way I'll take my ball and go home" syndrome.  I can't have Joe with me, so I'll just keep to myself.  Also tonight I started one of my allergy and/or cold onslaughts.  Sneezing, runny nose, itchy eyes.  Since I have lived in an animal free zone for more than a year, I've become very susceptible to animal dander and tonight there were two present.  I hope that is all it was and have taken massive doses of all things to stop the symptoms and have landed in the bed already.  Where is my Joe when I need him to keep me warm and supplied with tissues.  Where is my Joe...

Maybe more time will help.  Maybe I should try harder.  Maybe I should.......  

Thanks for the poem Allana

So Long 2013

Ever since I began the blog in 2010, I've done a New Year's post saying good-bye to the outgoing year.  2010 was a good riddance message, 2011 was a thank you for a pretty good year, 2012 was a mixed bag; some good, some bad.  Had I known that less than two weeks later my world would be irrevocably changed, I might have had a different message.  But maybe I would have just lived the next 13 days better or have let events play out as they did.  I have no regrets about the time I spent with Joe. We were together every possible moment and I loved every second of the time we had.

Many things describe me at this point: older, thinner, wiser?, naive?, lonelier, skeptical, negative, positive, jaded, tired, hesitant, headstrong, opinionated, and on and on.  Full of contradictions.  I've learned a lot over the last 38 months.  A lot about my family, my friends, and myself.  A lot about pancreatic cancer, our healthcare system, and Duke University Hospital.  A lot about society, equal rights, and homophobia.  A lot about faith, generosity, and love.  The last 12 months I've learned a lot about loss, grief, and solitude.  The tears that I have shed since October 2010 could fill a large swimming pool.  However, most of those tears have been shed daily since January 13, 2013.  Although 2013 has been so far the worst year of my life, there have been people who have made a huge difference.  Were it not for them, I don't know if I would have been able to sit here today typing.  The days following Joe's death, my friends and family gathered around me.  My sister and niece stayed with me, Jill & Mark stayed with me, Lara stayed with me.  My PGUMC family circled around filling my home with sounds, food and loving friendship.  My Home Team family clung to me and gave me time to mourn.  Our caring professionals at the Duke Cancer Center and Duke Hospital reached out to me and helped hold me up.  The DCC gave me grief counseling.  I mean they literally gave it to me.   There was never a cost.  I was their patient as much as Joe had been.  When I visited the 9th floor at Duke Hospital the first time following Joe's death, I was greeted with smiles, tears, and words of condolence and care.  For the two+ years that Joe was hospitalized off and on, the nurses, doctors, and staff of the 9300 wing treated me with the utmost respect and warmth.  After his death, they continued to do so. 

During 2013, some people have gone above and beyond what I ever could have expected.  Friends have consistently welcomed me into their homes and treated me like family.  I've been able to spend mealtime and party time with some of the most wonderful children our Lord has ever seen fit to put on this earth.  Meals, along with giggles, smiles, kisses and sugar from Emmie, Asher, Cleona, Jake and Izzie have been wonderful. (A big thank you to the parents of those beautiful kids).  The Minnick family has included me in birthday dinners, family get-togethers and lots and lots of fun.  Jay, Allana, Jonathan, Micah, Harper and Molly are all so very, very special to me.  I've also learned that some people just have more patience and faith in me than I deserve.  Lucinda and Jay have both had to listen to me so many times this past year moan, complain, cry and well, cry some more.  Why either of you have put up with it is a testament to what good people you are.

Unfortunately, along with the support from so many, there have been disappointments from others.  But that is just a part of life.  Some people surprise you with how much they go above and beyond while others let you down.  Were the shoes on the other foot, I don't know which category I would fall into.  During 2013 while I learned about myself, I was pleasantly surprised at times and woefully disappointed at other times.  I started off with constantly second guessing each and every decision I needed to make with the question, "What would Joe want me to do?".  However, all that did was drive me crazy and keep me from making any decisions.  Finally by early summer I had to stop asking "What would Joe want?" and replace it with "What do I want or what do I need".  I still probably made all the wrong decisions, but at least I made them for the right reasons. 

There are still times, many times when I find myself almost coma like pondering how this all happened.  I know the why in my head, but I keep pausing, grasping for some way to make my heart and soul understand the how.  How can such an enormous personality, such a gentle giant, such a good man be here one minute and then not be here?  It's been almost a year and I haven't been able to get my mind around that.  Sometimes the thought just stops me cold.  I look at a photo and I remember the circumstances portrayed in it perfectly.  But how does that memory go from the happy moment captured on film (or digitally) to today's reality instantly?  The problem is that it doesn't.  It's in those moments of time that I can't entirely grasp the idea that Joe is actually gone.  This has been the longest year of my life but at the same time, it literally feels like it was just yesterday that he died and the day before that he was diagnosed.  If it were not for my short-acting anxiolytic benzodiazepine class of psychoactive drugs; my selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor; and my short-acting nonbenzodiazepine hypnotic of the imidazopyridine class that potentiates GABA by binding to GABAA receptors at the same location as benzodiazepines, I don't think I would be here today.  Basically, I'm a mess.

This Thanksgiving through Christmas I have been very sad but tried to put on a brave face when at all possible.  Everyone recognizes that this was my first Christmas without Joe and also know just how special Christmas was to him.  I've had family visits and Skype/FaceTime chats with friends far away.  Sadly, grieving this holiday is not unique to me.  Several close friends have experienced losses other than Joe this year.  Parents, children, relatives and close friends have left many people dear to me missing them.  I'm sure I'm not the only one who didn't quite feel the pull of the usual Christmas spirit.  I did decorate the house, but just a little.  It shouldn’t take me more than an hour to un-decorate it all.  I cried while putting it up and I’ll cry when I take it down.  This years trip to see my family on Christmas Eve didn't end the way I had hoped either.  Although I enjoyed talking and a few laughs, my smile was forced and on a couple of occasions, I could not hold back the tears.  Memories of how much fun Joe had at my family Christmas get-togethers, the silly jokes he tried to tell, and how easy it was for all of us to have such fun together proved a little too much for me and I had a bit of an emotional meltdown.  Sadly I put a damper on things by excusing myself and driving back to Durham at midnight.  The more I thought about Christmas Day, the more I realized I just didn't have the energy to pretend and plaster a fake smile on my face for hours on end.  I know I disappointed my family, but I also know they understand and forgive me.  My sister held me and cried with me.  I held onto Sara tightly and wept.  Aimee hugged me and spoke comforting words of love.  They all miss Joe and each in their own ways have found the holiday season lacking somewhat due to his absence.  On Thursday I traveled to Greenville to exchange gifts with Joe's family. Once again, the absence of Joe was a palatable feeling in the air. Hopefully next year will be just a little bit merrier and I will truthfully smile a bit more. 

2013 is on its way out.  For the first 13 days of this year I had my Joe with me.  He felt really bad each and every one of those 13 days.  It is extremely selfish of me but I would gladly relive each of those days over just to have him here to sit beside me, hold my hand, talk to me, and just tell me he loves me one more time.  I know that wouldn't really be enough for me, wouldn't really be right for me and would not be fair to him.  But rational thoughts and grief rarely go hand in hand.   For now, I'll just look at my assortment of YouTube videos that I loaded of Joe playing music, smiling that infectious smile he had and calling me "Jeffrey!" when I annoyed him.

What does 2014 hold in store for me?  Good question.  I wish I had the answer.  Actually I wish I had AN answer....any answer.  I know that on Fridays I will meet Mike and Jeff for lunch.  On Friday nights I will go to bed early and try to sleep past 7 a.m. on Saturday.  I will record Duke basketball games to avoid being a jinx and causing them to play poorly, only watching the recording if they win.  I will watch my favorite TV shows, talk to Joe during them like an insane person because I know that is one of the few drawbacks to Heaven: no Homeland, no The Good Wife, no Revenge, no Modern Family, and definitely no Teen Wolf, True Blood and Vampire Diaries!  Because of that, I know he is sneaking a peek at what I'm doing on certain TV nights.  I know that I will continue to eat well, continue to exercise (still looking for those elusive endorphins - hopefully I haven't done too much damage with weight gain during the holidays), and wake up tomorrow.  Beyond that, I don't have a real clue.  But I am open to suggestions. 

My New Year’s Wish:

May we break down boundaries, tear down walls, and build on the foundation of goodness inside each of us.  May we look past differences, gain understanding, and embrace acceptance.  May we reach out to each other rather than resist.  May we be better stewards of the earth, protecting, nurturing and replenishing the beauties of nature.  May we practice gratitude for all we have, rather than complain about our needs.  May we seek cures for the sick, help for the hungry, and love for the lonely.  May we share our talents, give our time, and teach our children.  May we hold hope for the future very tenderly in our hearts and do all we can to build for bright tomorrows.  And may we love with our whole hearts, for that’s the only way to love.

Goodbye 2013!  Hello 2014!  

It's been a long, long time.

It has been quite some time since I’ve posted here on the blog.  Since my last visible post, Thanksgiving has come and gone, my Thanksgiving trip to the island has come and gone and we are right in the middle of Advent.  Many things have transpired during this period.  Some quite nice and some not so quite nice.  As was expected, the Holiday season has brought with it quite a lot of sadness.  My trip was nice at Thanksgiving, but sad.  The approaching Christmas, with it being Joe’s “all time favorite” holiday has ushered in even more sadness.  For that reason, I decided after my trip that at least during Advent I would “go dark” with Facebook and other social media.  Just not feeling very “social”.  Even so, I did feel I needed to at least post something on the blog. 

If you noticed in the second sentence of this post, I referenced “visible post”.  What that means is that I have written a couple of posts, but they remain there in draft form and have not been published.  The reason; I wrote them to get a few things off my chest, but knew that if the general public at large read them, there would probably be hurt feelings or misunderstandings. Not that I say anything bad about anyone, or don’t tell the truth, but sometimes it is the truth that can be most hurtful.  I continue to be torn about many different topics and sometimes I just need to get it out of my head and somewhere else.  Maybe someday I will publish, but by then they will be buried deep within the website and probably never read unless someone gets ambitious and goes on a reading frenzy!

It hardly seems possible, but this Friday it will be 11 months since Joe died.  For me, it truly does feel just like yesterday.  The pain and sadness is still just as fresh as it was the day following his death.  For this Christmas, I’m just going to curl up, not over eat, keep running and working out, stay out of trouble, catch up on movies and sleep when at all possible!  Thank you for your prayers and words of encouragement. 

Talk is cheap…

…or so I’ve learned.  My last post on here was obviously one coming from a place of despair.  The despair continues, only now the issues are more clear.  I hinted at people or persons who say one thing to your face and another behind your back.  Sadly, it is sometimes those very people that are closest to you, or you at least thought were close to you.  Last spring, there were many things going on with me and Joe with regards to his family.  Some things were said that were hurtful to everyone involved.  I was no saint in it as I reacted badly to what was said to Joe and being as protective of Joe as I was, I lashed out.  That was wrong of me.  For months there was very little, if any, conversation between Durham and Greenville.  It was very unfortunate, but both me and Joe took some solace in that we did not start or create the issue initially and although neither of us took it well, we clung to each other, our friends and other family members for support.  When Joe died, things were no better between me and his family.  We had not reconciled and that is something that I will have to carry with me forever.  Joe had come to terms with both his mother and sister in that things were what they were.  Apologies were said, but neither of us, and we did discuss this at length, never really felt they were offered to us sincerely.

After Joe died one of the first things I did was to say to both his mother and sister that what happened in the spring of 2012 was behind us and that I wanted us to move past it and move forward.  I thought that we had done just that.  Call me foolish, call me gullible, call me naïve, but though not forgotten, I moved forward feeling regret that we had not done this before his death but that I could do it now, if for no other reason, in an effort to honor his memory and the love I know he had for his family.  Joe’s mother and I since then had developed a new relationship.  A very caring and nurturing one.  Or so I thought.  Apparently I was delusional.

When Joe’s brother visited from Las Vegas at Halloween, we had a very long talk over dinner that evening.  I could tell during dinner that something was bothering Bill.  During the course of dinner, he finally spoke up because he had to know if the information he had was accurate.  Sometime since Joe’s death, he had had a phone conversation where he had asked his mother if she believed Joe was in heaven.  She of course said yes.  He then wanted to know how she believed he was in heaven when she also believed that being gay was such a vile sin that no gay person could be in heaven.  She went on to explain that the relationship between me and Joe was one of deep friendship, but that there was not a physical, sexual relationship between us and therefore, Joe was not gay.  I am paraphrasing as I do not know the exact language used during the conversation.  I am relaying basic context and am not implying or stating what words were used.  Just that she said there our relationship was not a marriage in the way that others are married.   Some might question where she would get this idea.  I did.  She told Bill that I had written as much in a letter to her.  I assure you, I have never written anything even remotely resembling that type of message to her.  In fact, the only letters that I have ever written to her (actual letters, not notes in a card) have been quite the opposite.  Those letters were written in the spring of 2012 and were quite hostile in tone.  She at that time had questioned our faith (mine and Joe’s), and I returned the favor by pointed out very clearly some areas where she was mistaken about scripture, and how she herself was not following scripture.  I have copies of every one of those letters saved on my iPad.

So where does she come up with this stuff?  I have no concrete answer for that except that she has dealt with half-truths, innuendo and hypocrisy for so long that I actually believe that she tells herself stuff and in so doing, convinces herself that the information or thoughts are true.  Also, she only half listens to what others say and continuously will relay a story filled with errors and omissions.  In the conversation I had with her this week, (I only called her because she had the night before called my sister to pump her for information as to why I had not called her or returned her calls for 2 weeks), she started off the call wanting to know if I had gotten my broken down car from the church.  Such is the way she only half listens and doesn’t fully understand what someone says to her.  The fact was that I had dropped the Beetle off at a repair shop for maintenance that is near the church and 2 friends from church had brought me home and then taken me back to pick it up.  No car was broken down, and it was never at the church.  But that is how things told to her get changed and manipulated in her mind to fit her need (she said she thought maybe the reason I hadn’t called was because I was somehow stuck at the church with a broken down car….for 2 weeks???).  She needed to reconcile and justify her belief that Joe is in Heaven with the belief that gay people can’t go to heaven.  Ergo, the only way Joe can be in Heaven is if we were not actually a gay couple, but rather close friends.   However, the fact that I wrote to her in a letter telling her that, is not something she could misinterpret.  It is a blatant lie.  One that I am finding very difficult to overlook.  I am not mad at her, I am hurt and disappointed.  Both in her and in me for allowing myself to actually believe that she had changed from the person of the spring of 2012.  That maybe the loss of her son had somehow magically transformed her into someone who could accept our marriage, our relationship, our love for one another.  It boggles my mind that as a parent, she is so entrenched in her fanatical, bigoted, homophobic beliefs that she would allow months when her son was battling a terminal illness to be lost because she could not accept who he was.  That she would so dishonor his memory as to call into question the relationship we shared, again.  So like I said above, I called her.  I asked her why she had said these things, and she denied ever saying anything.  She said that she did remember the conversation with Bill where he asked her if she thought Joe was in Heaven and that she had said Yes, but that was all she said and that was all they both said on the subject.  I questioned her as to whether she was saying Bill had lied to me, and she of course said she would never say her son had lied, but that she didn’t know why he had told me those things.  I knew she was scrambling for an explanation and she went on to make a couple of ludicrous attempts at reasoning for his telling me something that was not true.  I stopped her as it was an obvious pathetic attempt to cover up.  The conversation was not hostile, no raised voices, no hurtful words on either part.  I left the conversation by telling her that I loved her and that I would talk to Bill to clear up any miscommunication that we may have had.  There isn’t any need to pursue it with her as she will never own up to making up a story.  I’m sure she probably has told herself this enough that she truly believes it to be true.  As my doctor once told me, when discussing the issues with Joe's mother, she is of an age and culture where her narcissistic tendencies control all aspects of how she sees the world.  When Joe was diagnosed with cancer, the issue wasn’t that Joe had cancer, it was that HER son had cancer.  All conversations inevitably come around to how things affect her.  What affect they have on others is always secondary.

I talked to Bill and of course he was not surprised that she denied everything.  He is caught in a terrible place.  He loves his mother but at the same time cannot reconcile how she could say and do the things that she did last year and continues to do now.  He loved his big brother Joe so very much.  It was and still is, very painful to know the things she said and did in the last year of Joe’s life.  How the stress of what was going on affected him both emotionally and physically when he was already dealing with so much.

But here we are today.  One week from Thanksgiving.  Another first in a long line of firsts soon to be followed by yet another first, Christmas without Joe.  I will be going on my Thanksgiving vacation starting on Saturday (sun & surf).  Not much of a change there from our normal Thanksgiving activity except I will be going by myself.  However, this year, Christmas will be completely different.  Instead of waiting until after the 7:00pm service at church is over on Christmas Eve, I will be able to go down to see my family in Hope Mills early in the day, or the day before??, and be able to spend my Christmas there for the first time in a long time.  No splitting of time between Hope Mills and Greenville as we always did.  For that first, I will have my family around me, helping me through what was Joe’s “all-time favorite” time of year.  

Ahhh, the joy of the holidays and the dysfunction of families.  What could be better?

See ya, wouldn't want to be ya!

Have you ever had one of those moments when something happens or something is said and all of a sudden you realize you've been living in an apparent delusional bubble?  You know the saying, "ignorance is bliss".....well it's only bliss as long as you stay ignorant.  As soon as that little bit of knowledge creeps in, or as soon as a little light is let into the dark space, the bubble bursts and your eyes are opened and reality SLAPS you in the face.  Hard!  That delusional bubble life, that blissful ignorant life, that was mine, apparently.  Until this evening.  I'm not going to go into specifics as that would only cause more hurt feelings.  I've done that enough in my life, no need to do that anymore.  I do need to take off the veil that has apparently been over my eyes and accept that which will never change.  That which will never be.  Those that can never and will never be honest and who/what they profess to be.  Open my eyes and move along.  Stop trying.  Lost cause.  Arrivederci.  Sayonara.  See ya, wouldn't want to be ya!  If only it was that easy to do.

What is the Reinhold Niebhur Serenity Prayer;  "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference".

I need that to become my new mantra.  If only people were like "things".  If people were forthright, upfront with you, honest and true.  Stop the pretense.  It inevitably catches up with you.  Don't say one thing to someone's face and something else behind their backs.  Being nice to their face can be cruel if deep down you don't mean or believe what you are saying.

I was re-reading a letter tonight that Joe wrote in 2012.  Who it was to and the overall content is not important right now.  But there were two sentences in the letter that resonated with me tonight. Joe wrote: "People know when you truly mean what you say. People also can read the subtext of what is not said."  My Joe really was an incredibly intelligent man.  Most of us tended to pay most attention to his amazing musical talents and his off-beat humor.  However, he had an amazing intellect and a mind like a steel trap.  If he read it, saw it, heard it, then he remembered it.  A wonderful gift.  I reread the letter several times tonight and I kept coming back to those two lines.  When he wrote those two lines, he was referring to me.  I am the "people" he was referring to.  At least I was before he died.  Maybe since then I've been grieving and not paying attention.  Maybe I've been just pretending not to notice and using that as a means of avoidance.  Maybe I just simply preferred for the time being to give the benefit of the doubt.  But there is no doubt.  I know.  Joe knew.  Some people will not ever change.  So I guess I just have to ask myself, "can I live with it or am I better off living without them?"  That ladies and gentlemen is the $64,000 question tonight.  The answer, I'll have to sleep on it.  Maybe for a few nights.

Sunday is All Saints Day and my Joe will be on the list at PGUMC.  I had already accepted that I would be sad Sunday, but now I have such a heavy, disappointed heart that I need not wait for Sunday.  Joe Lupton, in my eyes your are a Saint.  Our love and life together was something I never dreamed I would experience.  I am so thankful for our 14+ years together.  I love you as much today as the day we said our vows in Connecticut and not a day goes by that I don't think of you, miss you, shed a tear for you.  If only we had had more time, but oh boy didn't we make the most of what we had!  I luvish you and I will see you in my dreams.

Diverticulitis, BRAT, and McDonalds

So it has been another couple of weeks since my last post.  So much and yet nothing has happened.  First, I finished my 2000 mg of antibiotics per day for the prescribed 10 days and the pain remained.  I had another doctors appointment and he sent me for a full abdominal and pelvic CT scan.  In typical Dr.K fashion, he got me the results pronto so I didn't have to wait and wait.  The results were good however.  No masses, no obstructions.  I just needed to be more patient with waiting for the pain to go away.  Slowly but surely it has lessened and it is reasonably tolerable now.  The positive from this was that being on the BRAT diet for two weeks pushed me below my goal weight!  However, I didn't immediately get the McDonalds French fries I had promised myself.  I had to wait an extra week before indulging....and they were good.  On a negative note though, not being able to go to the Y during this time has now allowed me to put 3 pounds back on. I have been able to hit the treadmill a couple of evenings this week, but only walking, no running.  Right now I am comfortable laying down and standing.  Sitting is still uncomfortable.  But even that is better now than this time last week.

Saturday we will be having a Holland & Lupton family get together in Greenville at Joe's mother's house.  Just a little afternoon get together for lunch and conversation. Phyllis, Aimee & Sara are coming from Hope Mills and of course Bettie's family will be there at her mothers.  I'm looking forward to it (except for the driving there and back - that's 3+ hours sitting...not my favorite thing right now).

Sunday will be church in the morning, a couple of hours of the envisioning team in the afternoon and then Homeland that night.  Love that show.

Enough rambling.  Time for a little TV, read a couple of chapters in my book and then to sleep.  I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.  

Peace.