The Last First

This weekend as the one year anniversary of Joe's death has neared I have not been able to get the events of that night out of my head.  It's not surprising since I've thought about that night for the last 364 evenings.  However since yesterday, it has been constantly on my mind.  I've watched movies, TV shows, monitored tornado warnings (that was wild yesterday huh?), read from two books, ran 5 miles in the rain, and I can't get the thoughts out of my brain.  I've said before that 7:05 pm on 1/13/13 is permanently seared into my brain but I've been wracking my brain trying to remember other parts of the evening.

I remember very vividly (too vividly actually) finding Joe after I had taken the trash out to the curb.  I remember vividly screaming at him, shaking him and becoming quite hysterical.  I remember vividly calling 911 and having the operator walk me through CPR while waiting for the dispatched EMT's to arrive.  I remember vividly running down the stairs and letting the EMT's in and telling them where Joe was and that I had the DNR order from hospice.  I remember vividly watching and listening to the EMT's as they checked for any sign of life and telling me he was gone.  I remember vividly them telling me sit down, trying to calm me and asking if there was a neighbor or someone close by that they could get for me (I had them go next door and tell Mackenzie).  I remember vividly calling my sister, Jay and Bill.  I remember vividly when Mackenzie came in and held me as I lay on the bed next to Joe's lifeless body and cried.  I remember vividly when Jay arrived (it seemed like he made it from the church to my house in 5 minutes) and the look on his face.  I remember Jay asking if I had called Jill and I said no.  I remember trying to find her number on my phone but my hands were shaking too much so either Jay or Mackenzie took the phone and made the call.  At some point the hospice nurse arrived (I couldn't pick her out of a line up at this point if I had to) and she pronounced Joe deceased.  We talked about funeral homes and she made the call to Clements for me.  I don't remember anyone else arriving at the house although I remember people being there.  Jill and Mark.  Phyllis and Aimee.  Mike and Jeff.  Lara and Joe.  The EMT's left but returned after the men from Clements arrived to help bring Joe downstairs from the bedroom.  I talked with the man from Clements about arrangements and my friends and family were here.  I don't know who was in the room with me.  I don't know who saw Joe before they took him away.  I don't remember if I called Rob and Lola.  I remember talking to Bill again later in the evening and I remember talking to Bettie.  I know that Joe's mother stayed at Bettie's house that night but I don't remember if I talked to her.  I remember sitting in the family room for what seemed like hours and hours with everyone, but I don't think it was really that long.  I remember Phyllis and Aimee staying the night with me.  I remember going up to bed that night and laying on Joe's side of the bed (I still sleep there every night).  I know I did a video post that night as there is evidence on the blog, but I don't remember doing it.  I remember crying.

The events of the next week are somewhat blurred at times as well.  The next day, Monday, I went to the bank first thing and retrieved items from the safety deposit box (will, power of attorney, car titles, etc).  At some point and I'm not sure if it was in the morning or closer to noon, Bettie and Joe's mother arrived.  Early afternoon we went to the funeral home where we made the arrangements and were able to see Joe. Mark was here at the house all day and stayed here with me that night.  People were coming and going and it is all a bit of a haze.  I don't remember any specifics about Tuesday, Wednesday or the daylight hours of Thursday.  I remember there was a storm on Thursday evening, it snowed just as Bill and Sandy landed at RDU, and the power at the house went out.  We have concluded that the snow was Joe's way of welcoming Bill and Sandy to Durham as he loved very few things more than snow.  On Friday Bill and I went to Clements to pick up Joe's ashes and then over to the church to deliver them for the service the next day.  I have no specific memories of Friday night.  Of course the service was Saturday and that I remember very well.

So what do I do with these memories?  Do I try and hold onto them or do I let them fade so that only the memories of our life together remains?  I'm sure over time, even the details that I do remember will fade.  All but walking into the bedroom and finding him.  That detail I'm sure will remain with me.  I still remember being in the hospital room with my mom in 1997 when I heard her take her last breath and then die.  That sound and sight is still as fresh now as it was 17 years ago.  I guess some things just stay with you.  I guess we are put in certain places at certain times for a reason.  Ours is not to question why.  Yeah, right!  This is me we are talking about.  I question everything.  Who, where, when, how and definitely why.  I still question why I wasn't in the room when Joe took his last breath.  I was there for the diagnosis, the treatment, the surgeries, the hospitalizations, the nausea, the diarrhea, the fatigue, the insomnia,...the good, the bad and the ugly.  Why wasn't I there at that moment?  We didn't have much trash.  We had only been home 3 days that week from the hospital.  I didn't have to take it out.  It could have waited.  I know, I know, I know....quit beating myself up, quit asking a question that can't be answered.  I wish I could.  I've tried for a year but haven't been able to let it go.

Monday is the 1 year anniversary of the worst day of my life.  The last first.  Will the seconds be easier?  I pray they are.

                                   

As I sit here tonight I'm trying to think of my favorite memory of Joe.  There are so, so many it is impossible to pinpoint an "all-time favorite" as Joe would say.  Our wedding of course places up there in the favorite category along with the first time he told me he loved me, the look on his face the first time I told him I loved him and the other sentimental, lovey-dovey times.  But there are all the times he laughed so loudly in movie theaters that it embarrassed me, the times Sara visited and we did "family" things, the trips around the U.S., the nights sitting in the rocking chairs at the beach, the night he got so mad at me and stormed out of the house and backed his car out of the garage only to return a minute later, deflated, because he couldn't think of any where to go (I laughed until I cried at how frustrated he was...he laughed too!), the excitement he had when he got the finished copy of his first CD, the many, many, many times he just looked at me and I could see the love in his eyes.  What is there not to miss when it comes to Joe.  He infected all of us with his joy and love for life and music.  We all love you Joe Lupton.  We all miss you.

Maybe I Should....

First full gang get together since Joe's death was tonight.  Yes, we are just one week away from it being 1 year since he died and it took us this long.  I think it's safe to say that since Joe was how we all met, he was the glue that kept us together so it has taken awhile.  We had great food, great laughs, and great conversation.  I know the absence of Joe was the "white elephant" in the room, but it didn't bring the festivities down.  He was mentioned constantly, referenced continually.  His presence is still felt.  

However, I, couldn't help but watch and listen and think.  Everyone's lives have continued to move forward, and rightly so, but as I watched, it became even more apparent, if only to me, that I haven't.  I'm still right where I was a year ago.  My head, my heart, my conscience self, my unconscious self are holding firm, still not moving forward.   My friends loved Joe and all still miss him terribly.  I know that.  It's just strange for me to be in their company, en masse, and see how their lives continue to move and change while mine has stayed rooted in one moment in time for a year now.  I can talk about all that has gone on the past year on a variety of subjects and matters but my head is still firmly entrenched in 7:05pm on 1/13/13.  It hasn't moved from those first 5 minutes since then.  It's there with me while I'm at work, while I'm at home, while I'm at church, while I'm  at the YMCA, while I'm eating, while I'm reading, while I'm watching TV, and most prominently while I'm sleeping.  It is so very odd to be with my closest friends and feel so very separate from them at the same time.  It's odd to be with my closest friends and feel I have very little in common with them any more.  It's odd to be with my closest friends and be thinking of how soon can I leave without hurting any feelings.  Disconnected is probably the best word to use.  But it isn't just my friends.  I feel disconnected from most everyone in my life; friends, co-workers, family.  I can plaster the smile on my face but sometimes it is just a facade and rather than be where I am or with someone, I had just as-soon be at home on the couch or in bed reading.  I've never been the most social of people, which ALL my friends can attest to but I wonder if I'm becoming just plain antisocial.  Sort of the "if I can't have it my way I'll take my ball and go home" syndrome.  I can't have Joe with me, so I'll just keep to myself.  Also tonight I started one of my allergy and/or cold onslaughts.  Sneezing, runny nose, itchy eyes.  Since I have lived in an animal free zone for more than a year, I've become very susceptible to animal dander and tonight there were two present.  I hope that is all it was and have taken massive doses of all things to stop the symptoms and have landed in the bed already.  Where is my Joe when I need him to keep me warm and supplied with tissues.  Where is my Joe...

Maybe more time will help.  Maybe I should try harder.  Maybe I should.......  

Thanks for the poem Allana

So Long 2013

Ever since I began the blog in 2010, I've done a New Year's post saying good-bye to the outgoing year.  2010 was a good riddance message, 2011 was a thank you for a pretty good year, 2012 was a mixed bag; some good, some bad.  Had I known that less than two weeks later my world would be irrevocably changed, I might have had a different message.  But maybe I would have just lived the next 13 days better or have let events play out as they did.  I have no regrets about the time I spent with Joe. We were together every possible moment and I loved every second of the time we had.

Many things describe me at this point: older, thinner, wiser?, naive?, lonelier, skeptical, negative, positive, jaded, tired, hesitant, headstrong, opinionated, and on and on.  Full of contradictions.  I've learned a lot over the last 38 months.  A lot about my family, my friends, and myself.  A lot about pancreatic cancer, our healthcare system, and Duke University Hospital.  A lot about society, equal rights, and homophobia.  A lot about faith, generosity, and love.  The last 12 months I've learned a lot about loss, grief, and solitude.  The tears that I have shed since October 2010 could fill a large swimming pool.  However, most of those tears have been shed daily since January 13, 2013.  Although 2013 has been so far the worst year of my life, there have been people who have made a huge difference.  Were it not for them, I don't know if I would have been able to sit here today typing.  The days following Joe's death, my friends and family gathered around me.  My sister and niece stayed with me, Jill & Mark stayed with me, Lara stayed with me.  My PGUMC family circled around filling my home with sounds, food and loving friendship.  My Home Team family clung to me and gave me time to mourn.  Our caring professionals at the Duke Cancer Center and Duke Hospital reached out to me and helped hold me up.  The DCC gave me grief counseling.  I mean they literally gave it to me.   There was never a cost.  I was their patient as much as Joe had been.  When I visited the 9th floor at Duke Hospital the first time following Joe's death, I was greeted with smiles, tears, and words of condolence and care.  For the two+ years that Joe was hospitalized off and on, the nurses, doctors, and staff of the 9300 wing treated me with the utmost respect and warmth.  After his death, they continued to do so. 

During 2013, some people have gone above and beyond what I ever could have expected.  Friends have consistently welcomed me into their homes and treated me like family.  I've been able to spend mealtime and party time with some of the most wonderful children our Lord has ever seen fit to put on this earth.  Meals, along with giggles, smiles, kisses and sugar from Emmie, Asher, Cleona, Jake and Izzie have been wonderful. (A big thank you to the parents of those beautiful kids).  The Minnick family has included me in birthday dinners, family get-togethers and lots and lots of fun.  Jay, Allana, Jonathan, Micah, Harper and Molly are all so very, very special to me.  I've also learned that some people just have more patience and faith in me than I deserve.  Lucinda and Jay have both had to listen to me so many times this past year moan, complain, cry and well, cry some more.  Why either of you have put up with it is a testament to what good people you are.

Unfortunately, along with the support from so many, there have been disappointments from others.  But that is just a part of life.  Some people surprise you with how much they go above and beyond while others let you down.  Were the shoes on the other foot, I don't know which category I would fall into.  During 2013 while I learned about myself, I was pleasantly surprised at times and woefully disappointed at other times.  I started off with constantly second guessing each and every decision I needed to make with the question, "What would Joe want me to do?".  However, all that did was drive me crazy and keep me from making any decisions.  Finally by early summer I had to stop asking "What would Joe want?" and replace it with "What do I want or what do I need".  I still probably made all the wrong decisions, but at least I made them for the right reasons. 

There are still times, many times when I find myself almost coma like pondering how this all happened.  I know the why in my head, but I keep pausing, grasping for some way to make my heart and soul understand the how.  How can such an enormous personality, such a gentle giant, such a good man be here one minute and then not be here?  It's been almost a year and I haven't been able to get my mind around that.  Sometimes the thought just stops me cold.  I look at a photo and I remember the circumstances portrayed in it perfectly.  But how does that memory go from the happy moment captured on film (or digitally) to today's reality instantly?  The problem is that it doesn't.  It's in those moments of time that I can't entirely grasp the idea that Joe is actually gone.  This has been the longest year of my life but at the same time, it literally feels like it was just yesterday that he died and the day before that he was diagnosed.  If it were not for my short-acting anxiolytic benzodiazepine class of psychoactive drugs; my selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor; and my short-acting nonbenzodiazepine hypnotic of the imidazopyridine class that potentiates GABA by binding to GABAA receptors at the same location as benzodiazepines, I don't think I would be here today.  Basically, I'm a mess.

This Thanksgiving through Christmas I have been very sad but tried to put on a brave face when at all possible.  Everyone recognizes that this was my first Christmas without Joe and also know just how special Christmas was to him.  I've had family visits and Skype/FaceTime chats with friends far away.  Sadly, grieving this holiday is not unique to me.  Several close friends have experienced losses other than Joe this year.  Parents, children, relatives and close friends have left many people dear to me missing them.  I'm sure I'm not the only one who didn't quite feel the pull of the usual Christmas spirit.  I did decorate the house, but just a little.  It shouldn’t take me more than an hour to un-decorate it all.  I cried while putting it up and I’ll cry when I take it down.  This years trip to see my family on Christmas Eve didn't end the way I had hoped either.  Although I enjoyed talking and a few laughs, my smile was forced and on a couple of occasions, I could not hold back the tears.  Memories of how much fun Joe had at my family Christmas get-togethers, the silly jokes he tried to tell, and how easy it was for all of us to have such fun together proved a little too much for me and I had a bit of an emotional meltdown.  Sadly I put a damper on things by excusing myself and driving back to Durham at midnight.  The more I thought about Christmas Day, the more I realized I just didn't have the energy to pretend and plaster a fake smile on my face for hours on end.  I know I disappointed my family, but I also know they understand and forgive me.  My sister held me and cried with me.  I held onto Sara tightly and wept.  Aimee hugged me and spoke comforting words of love.  They all miss Joe and each in their own ways have found the holiday season lacking somewhat due to his absence.  On Thursday I traveled to Greenville to exchange gifts with Joe's family. Once again, the absence of Joe was a palatable feeling in the air. Hopefully next year will be just a little bit merrier and I will truthfully smile a bit more. 

2013 is on its way out.  For the first 13 days of this year I had my Joe with me.  He felt really bad each and every one of those 13 days.  It is extremely selfish of me but I would gladly relive each of those days over just to have him here to sit beside me, hold my hand, talk to me, and just tell me he loves me one more time.  I know that wouldn't really be enough for me, wouldn't really be right for me and would not be fair to him.  But rational thoughts and grief rarely go hand in hand.   For now, I'll just look at my assortment of YouTube videos that I loaded of Joe playing music, smiling that infectious smile he had and calling me "Jeffrey!" when I annoyed him.

What does 2014 hold in store for me?  Good question.  I wish I had the answer.  Actually I wish I had AN answer....any answer.  I know that on Fridays I will meet Mike and Jeff for lunch.  On Friday nights I will go to bed early and try to sleep past 7 a.m. on Saturday.  I will record Duke basketball games to avoid being a jinx and causing them to play poorly, only watching the recording if they win.  I will watch my favorite TV shows, talk to Joe during them like an insane person because I know that is one of the few drawbacks to Heaven: no Homeland, no The Good Wife, no Revenge, no Modern Family, and definitely no Teen Wolf, True Blood and Vampire Diaries!  Because of that, I know he is sneaking a peek at what I'm doing on certain TV nights.  I know that I will continue to eat well, continue to exercise (still looking for those elusive endorphins - hopefully I haven't done too much damage with weight gain during the holidays), and wake up tomorrow.  Beyond that, I don't have a real clue.  But I am open to suggestions. 

My New Year’s Wish:

May we break down boundaries, tear down walls, and build on the foundation of goodness inside each of us.  May we look past differences, gain understanding, and embrace acceptance.  May we reach out to each other rather than resist.  May we be better stewards of the earth, protecting, nurturing and replenishing the beauties of nature.  May we practice gratitude for all we have, rather than complain about our needs.  May we seek cures for the sick, help for the hungry, and love for the lonely.  May we share our talents, give our time, and teach our children.  May we hold hope for the future very tenderly in our hearts and do all we can to build for bright tomorrows.  And may we love with our whole hearts, for that’s the only way to love.

Goodbye 2013!  Hello 2014!  

It's been a long, long time.

It has been quite some time since I’ve posted here on the blog.  Since my last visible post, Thanksgiving has come and gone, my Thanksgiving trip to the island has come and gone and we are right in the middle of Advent.  Many things have transpired during this period.  Some quite nice and some not so quite nice.  As was expected, the Holiday season has brought with it quite a lot of sadness.  My trip was nice at Thanksgiving, but sad.  The approaching Christmas, with it being Joe’s “all time favorite” holiday has ushered in even more sadness.  For that reason, I decided after my trip that at least during Advent I would “go dark” with Facebook and other social media.  Just not feeling very “social”.  Even so, I did feel I needed to at least post something on the blog. 

If you noticed in the second sentence of this post, I referenced “visible post”.  What that means is that I have written a couple of posts, but they remain there in draft form and have not been published.  The reason; I wrote them to get a few things off my chest, but knew that if the general public at large read them, there would probably be hurt feelings or misunderstandings. Not that I say anything bad about anyone, or don’t tell the truth, but sometimes it is the truth that can be most hurtful.  I continue to be torn about many different topics and sometimes I just need to get it out of my head and somewhere else.  Maybe someday I will publish, but by then they will be buried deep within the website and probably never read unless someone gets ambitious and goes on a reading frenzy!

It hardly seems possible, but this Friday it will be 11 months since Joe died.  For me, it truly does feel just like yesterday.  The pain and sadness is still just as fresh as it was the day following his death.  For this Christmas, I’m just going to curl up, not over eat, keep running and working out, stay out of trouble, catch up on movies and sleep when at all possible!  Thank you for your prayers and words of encouragement. 

Talk is cheap…

…or so I’ve learned.  My last post on here was obviously one coming from a place of despair.  The despair continues, only now the issues are more clear.  I hinted at people or persons who say one thing to your face and another behind your back.  Sadly, it is sometimes those very people that are closest to you, or you at least thought were close to you.  Last spring, there were many things going on with me and Joe with regards to his family.  Some things were said that were hurtful to everyone involved.  I was no saint in it as I reacted badly to what was said to Joe and being as protective of Joe as I was, I lashed out.  That was wrong of me.  For months there was very little, if any, conversation between Durham and Greenville.  It was very unfortunate, but both me and Joe took some solace in that we did not start or create the issue initially and although neither of us took it well, we clung to each other, our friends and other family members for support.  When Joe died, things were no better between me and his family.  We had not reconciled and that is something that I will have to carry with me forever.  Joe had come to terms with both his mother and sister in that things were what they were.  Apologies were said, but neither of us, and we did discuss this at length, never really felt they were offered to us sincerely.

After Joe died one of the first things I did was to say to both his mother and sister that what happened in the spring of 2012 was behind us and that I wanted us to move past it and move forward.  I thought that we had done just that.  Call me foolish, call me gullible, call me naïve, but though not forgotten, I moved forward feeling regret that we had not done this before his death but that I could do it now, if for no other reason, in an effort to honor his memory and the love I know he had for his family.  Joe’s mother and I since then had developed a new relationship.  A very caring and nurturing one.  Or so I thought.  Apparently I was delusional.

When Joe’s brother visited from Las Vegas at Halloween, we had a very long talk over dinner that evening.  I could tell during dinner that something was bothering Bill.  During the course of dinner, he finally spoke up because he had to know if the information he had was accurate.  Sometime since Joe’s death, he had had a phone conversation where he had asked his mother if she believed Joe was in heaven.  She of course said yes.  He then wanted to know how she believed he was in heaven when she also believed that being gay was such a vile sin that no gay person could be in heaven.  She went on to explain that the relationship between me and Joe was one of deep friendship, but that there was not a physical, sexual relationship between us and therefore, Joe was not gay.  I am paraphrasing as I do not know the exact language used during the conversation.  I am relaying basic context and am not implying or stating what words were used.  Just that she said there our relationship was not a marriage in the way that others are married.   Some might question where she would get this idea.  I did.  She told Bill that I had written as much in a letter to her.  I assure you, I have never written anything even remotely resembling that type of message to her.  In fact, the only letters that I have ever written to her (actual letters, not notes in a card) have been quite the opposite.  Those letters were written in the spring of 2012 and were quite hostile in tone.  She at that time had questioned our faith (mine and Joe’s), and I returned the favor by pointed out very clearly some areas where she was mistaken about scripture, and how she herself was not following scripture.  I have copies of every one of those letters saved on my iPad.

So where does she come up with this stuff?  I have no concrete answer for that except that she has dealt with half-truths, innuendo and hypocrisy for so long that I actually believe that she tells herself stuff and in so doing, convinces herself that the information or thoughts are true.  Also, she only half listens to what others say and continuously will relay a story filled with errors and omissions.  In the conversation I had with her this week, (I only called her because she had the night before called my sister to pump her for information as to why I had not called her or returned her calls for 2 weeks), she started off the call wanting to know if I had gotten my broken down car from the church.  Such is the way she only half listens and doesn’t fully understand what someone says to her.  The fact was that I had dropped the Beetle off at a repair shop for maintenance that is near the church and 2 friends from church had brought me home and then taken me back to pick it up.  No car was broken down, and it was never at the church.  But that is how things told to her get changed and manipulated in her mind to fit her need (she said she thought maybe the reason I hadn’t called was because I was somehow stuck at the church with a broken down car….for 2 weeks???).  She needed to reconcile and justify her belief that Joe is in Heaven with the belief that gay people can’t go to heaven.  Ergo, the only way Joe can be in Heaven is if we were not actually a gay couple, but rather close friends.   However, the fact that I wrote to her in a letter telling her that, is not something she could misinterpret.  It is a blatant lie.  One that I am finding very difficult to overlook.  I am not mad at her, I am hurt and disappointed.  Both in her and in me for allowing myself to actually believe that she had changed from the person of the spring of 2012.  That maybe the loss of her son had somehow magically transformed her into someone who could accept our marriage, our relationship, our love for one another.  It boggles my mind that as a parent, she is so entrenched in her fanatical, bigoted, homophobic beliefs that she would allow months when her son was battling a terminal illness to be lost because she could not accept who he was.  That she would so dishonor his memory as to call into question the relationship we shared, again.  So like I said above, I called her.  I asked her why she had said these things, and she denied ever saying anything.  She said that she did remember the conversation with Bill where he asked her if she thought Joe was in Heaven and that she had said Yes, but that was all she said and that was all they both said on the subject.  I questioned her as to whether she was saying Bill had lied to me, and she of course said she would never say her son had lied, but that she didn’t know why he had told me those things.  I knew she was scrambling for an explanation and she went on to make a couple of ludicrous attempts at reasoning for his telling me something that was not true.  I stopped her as it was an obvious pathetic attempt to cover up.  The conversation was not hostile, no raised voices, no hurtful words on either part.  I left the conversation by telling her that I loved her and that I would talk to Bill to clear up any miscommunication that we may have had.  There isn’t any need to pursue it with her as she will never own up to making up a story.  I’m sure she probably has told herself this enough that she truly believes it to be true.  As my doctor once told me, when discussing the issues with Joe's mother, she is of an age and culture where her narcissistic tendencies control all aspects of how she sees the world.  When Joe was diagnosed with cancer, the issue wasn’t that Joe had cancer, it was that HER son had cancer.  All conversations inevitably come around to how things affect her.  What affect they have on others is always secondary.

I talked to Bill and of course he was not surprised that she denied everything.  He is caught in a terrible place.  He loves his mother but at the same time cannot reconcile how she could say and do the things that she did last year and continues to do now.  He loved his big brother Joe so very much.  It was and still is, very painful to know the things she said and did in the last year of Joe’s life.  How the stress of what was going on affected him both emotionally and physically when he was already dealing with so much.

But here we are today.  One week from Thanksgiving.  Another first in a long line of firsts soon to be followed by yet another first, Christmas without Joe.  I will be going on my Thanksgiving vacation starting on Saturday (sun & surf).  Not much of a change there from our normal Thanksgiving activity except I will be going by myself.  However, this year, Christmas will be completely different.  Instead of waiting until after the 7:00pm service at church is over on Christmas Eve, I will be able to go down to see my family in Hope Mills early in the day, or the day before??, and be able to spend my Christmas there for the first time in a long time.  No splitting of time between Hope Mills and Greenville as we always did.  For that first, I will have my family around me, helping me through what was Joe’s “all-time favorite” time of year.  

Ahhh, the joy of the holidays and the dysfunction of families.  What could be better?

See ya, wouldn't want to be ya!

Have you ever had one of those moments when something happens or something is said and all of a sudden you realize you've been living in an apparent delusional bubble?  You know the saying, "ignorance is bliss".....well it's only bliss as long as you stay ignorant.  As soon as that little bit of knowledge creeps in, or as soon as a little light is let into the dark space, the bubble bursts and your eyes are opened and reality SLAPS you in the face.  Hard!  That delusional bubble life, that blissful ignorant life, that was mine, apparently.  Until this evening.  I'm not going to go into specifics as that would only cause more hurt feelings.  I've done that enough in my life, no need to do that anymore.  I do need to take off the veil that has apparently been over my eyes and accept that which will never change.  That which will never be.  Those that can never and will never be honest and who/what they profess to be.  Open my eyes and move along.  Stop trying.  Lost cause.  Arrivederci.  Sayonara.  See ya, wouldn't want to be ya!  If only it was that easy to do.

What is the Reinhold Niebhur Serenity Prayer;  "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference".

I need that to become my new mantra.  If only people were like "things".  If people were forthright, upfront with you, honest and true.  Stop the pretense.  It inevitably catches up with you.  Don't say one thing to someone's face and something else behind their backs.  Being nice to their face can be cruel if deep down you don't mean or believe what you are saying.

I was re-reading a letter tonight that Joe wrote in 2012.  Who it was to and the overall content is not important right now.  But there were two sentences in the letter that resonated with me tonight. Joe wrote: "People know when you truly mean what you say. People also can read the subtext of what is not said."  My Joe really was an incredibly intelligent man.  Most of us tended to pay most attention to his amazing musical talents and his off-beat humor.  However, he had an amazing intellect and a mind like a steel trap.  If he read it, saw it, heard it, then he remembered it.  A wonderful gift.  I reread the letter several times tonight and I kept coming back to those two lines.  When he wrote those two lines, he was referring to me.  I am the "people" he was referring to.  At least I was before he died.  Maybe since then I've been grieving and not paying attention.  Maybe I've been just pretending not to notice and using that as a means of avoidance.  Maybe I just simply preferred for the time being to give the benefit of the doubt.  But there is no doubt.  I know.  Joe knew.  Some people will not ever change.  So I guess I just have to ask myself, "can I live with it or am I better off living without them?"  That ladies and gentlemen is the $64,000 question tonight.  The answer, I'll have to sleep on it.  Maybe for a few nights.

Sunday is All Saints Day and my Joe will be on the list at PGUMC.  I had already accepted that I would be sad Sunday, but now I have such a heavy, disappointed heart that I need not wait for Sunday.  Joe Lupton, in my eyes your are a Saint.  Our love and life together was something I never dreamed I would experience.  I am so thankful for our 14+ years together.  I love you as much today as the day we said our vows in Connecticut and not a day goes by that I don't think of you, miss you, shed a tear for you.  If only we had had more time, but oh boy didn't we make the most of what we had!  I luvish you and I will see you in my dreams.

Diverticulitis, BRAT, and McDonalds

So it has been another couple of weeks since my last post.  So much and yet nothing has happened.  First, I finished my 2000 mg of antibiotics per day for the prescribed 10 days and the pain remained.  I had another doctors appointment and he sent me for a full abdominal and pelvic CT scan.  In typical Dr.K fashion, he got me the results pronto so I didn't have to wait and wait.  The results were good however.  No masses, no obstructions.  I just needed to be more patient with waiting for the pain to go away.  Slowly but surely it has lessened and it is reasonably tolerable now.  The positive from this was that being on the BRAT diet for two weeks pushed me below my goal weight!  However, I didn't immediately get the McDonalds French fries I had promised myself.  I had to wait an extra week before indulging....and they were good.  On a negative note though, not being able to go to the Y during this time has now allowed me to put 3 pounds back on. I have been able to hit the treadmill a couple of evenings this week, but only walking, no running.  Right now I am comfortable laying down and standing.  Sitting is still uncomfortable.  But even that is better now than this time last week.

Saturday we will be having a Holland & Lupton family get together in Greenville at Joe's mother's house.  Just a little afternoon get together for lunch and conversation. Phyllis, Aimee & Sara are coming from Hope Mills and of course Bettie's family will be there at her mothers.  I'm looking forward to it (except for the driving there and back - that's 3+ hours sitting...not my favorite thing right now).

Sunday will be church in the morning, a couple of hours of the envisioning team in the afternoon and then Homeland that night.  Love that show.

Enough rambling.  Time for a little TV, read a couple of chapters in my book and then to sleep.  I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.  

Peace.

It Seems Like Such A Long Time

It seems like it has been such a long time since I posted but it's actually only been two weeks.  However, a lot has happened in the last few weeks.  First I sliced open my thumb and had to have stitches; then at bowling a couple of weeks ago in mid swing I pinched a nerve in my back and howled in pain; I've had a stiff neck for two weeks; then last Saturday morning I ended up at Duke with diverticulitis.  Man oh man, some weeks it just doesn't pay to get out of bed!  Throw into the mix my sister having health issues (cause yet to be determined) and my brother-in-law having back surgery last week and the Holland part of my family has not had a run of good luck as of late.  I'm on day 5 of my two antibiotics, I haven't been able to workout since Tuesday of last week, and I hurt hurt hurt.  I know I don't have the right to ask for preferential treatment, but come on,...Big Guy, can I PLEASE catch a break??

I have a doctors appointment tomorrow morning at 8:30am (previously scheduled follow up for blood work from my May physical) and poor Dr. K isn't going to know what is going on.  I was actually looking forward to the appointment to show off my weight loss, but now I just want him to give me some reassurance that the drugs they gave me at Duke are going to do the trick.  I was hopeful the pain would have subsided more by now.  I guess there isn't a miracle instant cure!  If I could just have a few days without neck, thumb, hip, back, stomach pain.

Otherwise..haha, things are okay.  I've still felt a little down over the last couple of weeks, but hopefully that has a lot to do with everything just going wrong physically.  Getting old sucks.

I had a great time as Harper's guest at her birthday dinner last week (Thank you Harper), but was bummed I couldn't attend the 5th Sunday social after church at PGUMC last weekend.  Since I couldn't sit up for more than 5 minutes at a time, I didn't think laying on the floor or on a table in the fellowship hall would be conducive to enjoying a meal...or possibly distracting to others.  I pray that by this weekend, things will be more normalized.  Keep your fingers crossed for me that the doctor doesn't find anything else wrong tomorrow.  I'm beginning to feel like a train wreck...one that just keeps piling up more and more casualties.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend coming up.  My sister and brother in law will be back up Sunday in preparation for a follow up visit with his surgeon on Monday.  Company...YAY!!!   Thank you for all the continued support.  I am truly blessed, even if I am falling apart.

Relationships

Hi folks.  It’s been a while since I’ve felt the “need” to sit and really type up thoughts about what is going on with me, my life and things around me.  I’m not 100% sure what spurred this particular requirement but most likely can be attributed to a few factors which I will go into as this progresses.  If you don’t have a few minutes to read, you might as well stop now and come back later.  This might be a long one.  So sit back, grab a cup of coffee, glass of wine, a comfy pillow or whatever helps you relax.  It could be a while.

Since Joe’s death there have been events that have taken place that have knocked me back to that dreadful evening.  Most notably when someone I know has suffered a loss themselves.  In the late spring that was my friends Nick and Kelly who dealt with the loss of their beautiful daughter.  I was not “present” for that.  I was not there for them as I should have been.  Their loss brought back all the emotions and trauma that I felt immediately following January 13^th.  Their grief scared me because it caused my own grief to surge from where it dwells on a daily basis, back to the forefront, dead center. (no pun intended).  After that, Jay’s mom died and once again, rather than step up in any real way, I expressed my sympathies, but remained in the background.  Most recently, my dear friend Rob has experienced the loss of his father.  There is a significant mileage distance between us, NC –vs- CT, so this time there is literally not much help I can offer other than expressing sympathy, prayers and support from afar.  However, it’s hard to even talk about it as it just brings so much of what I live with daily back to the forefront of my brain and heart.  The death of Rob’s dad this week has just cast a haze of sadness.  I’ve experienced that haze repeatedly since January and I’m realistic enough to know that it will continue to reoccur for an indeterminate period of time.

Also this week the term “relationships” has been at the forefront of many aspects of my life.  As a member of the Vision Team at Pleasant Grove UMC, a large part of the reading that we had to do for our first meeting was about relationships within the church community.  But I will return to that later.  Also this week I reconnected with Lara after months of absence, renewing that relationship.  We had 6 hours of talk over dinner and her half asleep on the couch. (Lara loves our couch.  Each week at Ethan’s piano lesson she would sleep on the couch.  It’s like there is ether in it when she is around).  Also I’ve been thinking a lot about my lack of relationship with another close friend over the last few months.  I spoke with Lara about it on Thursday night just as I spoke to Rob & Lola when they visited.  I can see in their faces and their reactions that I’ve probably over reacted, however, a person feels like they feel.  Right or wrong.  People come into your life and people leave your life.  We have all experienced it.  Some people are great at maintaining relationships through vast geographical distances, throughout long periods of time, throughout differences in opinions and through hurt feelings.  Then some of us are not so great.  Joe maintained friendships and relationships with a large number of people from his school days, both elementary, high school and college.  I however have maintained very few, and only with those I grew up with.  Not one person from four years of college am I still in contact with on any regular basis.  Yes there are a few that I am Facebook friends with.  We message occasionally, comment on a post, but haven’t seen each other, talked on the phone or any contact of real substance since ECU.  Basically I’m lousy at maintaining relationships if I don’t have regular contact.  But there are those relationships that are worth the extra effort.  I just need to figure out how to reconcile my feelings of slight, and move beyond them.

Now I’m back to the other focus of relationships and that is with regard to PGUMC and the Vision team.  The book that we are loosely using as our “guide” through the process has not been inspiring to me.  It is very bland reading and the phrasing used by the author is way more fundamentalist than I prefer.  It is tough reading as I am constantly having to try to interpret what the author means by changing the words to a vocabulary that I am comfortable with and understand.  Therefore for the first meeting I went in with a definite negative vibe (I can hear all of you now, “Wow, Jeff negative?  Not possible” –dripping with sarcasm.  Yes I know I tend to come at most topics from the negative point of view.  I am aware of the character flaw).   It wasn’t until we broke up into smaller groups and one of the individuals, who was leading the group, Larry, said just a few words that opened my eyes to the gist of what the author had rambled on about for 20+ pages.  Relationships.  That is what the heart of the message was.  Build relationships in order to thrive and achieve your greatest potential.  He related it to something very similar to my own experience.  In 2011 Joe and I joined the Disciple Bible Study at PGUMC.  It is a long and intensive study of the entire Bible.  However, it is a place where you can speak freely of any doubts, questions and opinions.  We started off as a very large group of 40+.  As with any group or class, there is a rate of attrition where people drop out for a variety of reasons.  For Disciple Bible Study the largest factor is the time commitment.  That is perfectly understandable.  It runs for 9+ months, weekly, and with a lot of reading.  However, after 2-3 months, you are down to a core group that you are comfortable with and the relationship building begins.  Larry was in my DBS.  We attend different services at church and only see each other 3 or 4 times a year and usually in passing.  However the relationship that was built in DBS is still there.  During that year, I made so many new friendships that are still present.  Even though I don’t see them on a regular basis anymore.  When I do see them, I immediately smile because I know we shared something together that was special.  That is what the church needs to do.  Create a broader relationship within the church.  A congregational relationship that can span all differences in age, background, socio-economics, worship service attended, Sunday school class, small group, Bible study.  With a deep relationship comes commitment.  With commitment comes a willingness to “buy into” what the purpose and yes, vision of the church is. Solid relationships are like a compass.  They ground you and give you direction. 

Like my life since January, direction is the one thing that I have lacked.  Adrift would sum me up.  I have made big strides, don’t get me wrong.  Right now the biggest stride is attempting to be healthier.  My workouts at the YMCA continue, my change in diet continues and my weight loss continues. YAY!  As of this morning just 6 more pounds to get to my goal weight.  That day I will finally get my McDonald’s fries.  I may gain weight back that day, but it will be worth it to taste those fries again.  I’ll just go from there to the Y and put in extra cardio time.

Thank you to everyone who continues to reach out to me.

Lazy Friday Night and I Don't Want to Write

I really should consider the camera angles before I start recording.  Too lazy to write tonight so I do what I do best........talk!

Have a wonderful weekend.  Thank you to Sarah & Jean Marie for meeting me at Cheesecake Factory last weekend.  I had a blast and can't wait to meet up again.

Today is Childhood Cancer Awareness Day...say a prayer for all the little guys & girls dealing with this dreadful disease.  

September is here!

Well it's been a week or so since I last wrote anything, but I decided it was time to put something down. The last 10 days have been filled with ups and downs. On the plus side I've lost a couple more pounds.  On the minus side I managed to hurt myself closing the locker door last night.  I got in over an hours worth of cardio exercise, 30 minutes of weights, 15 minutes in the sauna, a shower and I managed to hurt myself closing the locker door.  Leave it to me!  I hurt all day long (not bad), and tonight I've had the heating pad on my chest for the last hour.  Such is life.

But what have I done to pass the time you ask. Well the short answer is a whole lot of nothing. The correct answer would be a lot of reading, a lot of sleeping and a little bit of research. As the visioning process begins at Pleasant Grove, I've been doing research into the Methodist church as a whole. The UMC has issues I'm here to tell you. I'm sure this doesn't come as a surprise to some people and it didn't come as a surprise to me. So what do I do about it? That's the $64,000 question.  Not much I can do. I need to just get off that subject. No one wants to hear my inner turmoil.

I have less than 10 pounds to go before I get to my goal weight. The day I hit it I'm heading to McDonald's where I will get a Big Mac, two large orders of fries, and a very large chocolate milkshake.  I know that will add several pounds but I'm willing to take the risk and work just a little bit harder the next day to get it back off.  I have been aching for french fries for almost 3 full months. I have to have them soon!  Don't even get me started on chocolate. The last piece of chocolate I had was on May 30. Do you have any idea how long ago that was? I do.

Arrrggghhhh!!!

But seriously, I've had some low points in the last 10 days. I don't really know why, but Joe has just been ever present on my mind. And not the good times with Joe. That's the bad part. I just have the last few days before he died and the day he died on my mind. Can't seem to get some images out of my head and lots of "what ifs".  That coupled with the change in my medications has not been the best recipe for success. It's not so easy.  But I will get there.

I've rambled long enough for a Wednesday.  Hope your week ends on a good note and everyone has a great weekend.