Relationships

Hi folks.  It’s been a while since I’ve felt the “need” to sit and really type up thoughts about what is going on with me, my life and things around me.  I’m not 100% sure what spurred this particular requirement but most likely can be attributed to a few factors which I will go into as this progresses.  If you don’t have a few minutes to read, you might as well stop now and come back later.  This might be a long one.  So sit back, grab a cup of coffee, glass of wine, a comfy pillow or whatever helps you relax.  It could be a while.

Since Joe’s death there have been events that have taken place that have knocked me back to that dreadful evening.  Most notably when someone I know has suffered a loss themselves.  In the late spring that was my friends Nick and Kelly who dealt with the loss of their beautiful daughter.  I was not “present” for that.  I was not there for them as I should have been.  Their loss brought back all the emotions and trauma that I felt immediately following January 13^th.  Their grief scared me because it caused my own grief to surge from where it dwells on a daily basis, back to the forefront, dead center. (no pun intended).  After that, Jay’s mom died and once again, rather than step up in any real way, I expressed my sympathies, but remained in the background.  Most recently, my dear friend Rob has experienced the loss of his father.  There is a significant mileage distance between us, NC –vs- CT, so this time there is literally not much help I can offer other than expressing sympathy, prayers and support from afar.  However, it’s hard to even talk about it as it just brings so much of what I live with daily back to the forefront of my brain and heart.  The death of Rob’s dad this week has just cast a haze of sadness.  I’ve experienced that haze repeatedly since January and I’m realistic enough to know that it will continue to reoccur for an indeterminate period of time.

Also this week the term “relationships” has been at the forefront of many aspects of my life.  As a member of the Vision Team at Pleasant Grove UMC, a large part of the reading that we had to do for our first meeting was about relationships within the church community.  But I will return to that later.  Also this week I reconnected with Lara after months of absence, renewing that relationship.  We had 6 hours of talk over dinner and her half asleep on the couch. (Lara loves our couch.  Each week at Ethan’s piano lesson she would sleep on the couch.  It’s like there is ether in it when she is around).  Also I’ve been thinking a lot about my lack of relationship with another close friend over the last few months.  I spoke with Lara about it on Thursday night just as I spoke to Rob & Lola when they visited.  I can see in their faces and their reactions that I’ve probably over reacted, however, a person feels like they feel.  Right or wrong.  People come into your life and people leave your life.  We have all experienced it.  Some people are great at maintaining relationships through vast geographical distances, throughout long periods of time, throughout differences in opinions and through hurt feelings.  Then some of us are not so great.  Joe maintained friendships and relationships with a large number of people from his school days, both elementary, high school and college.  I however have maintained very few, and only with those I grew up with.  Not one person from four years of college am I still in contact with on any regular basis.  Yes there are a few that I am Facebook friends with.  We message occasionally, comment on a post, but haven’t seen each other, talked on the phone or any contact of real substance since ECU.  Basically I’m lousy at maintaining relationships if I don’t have regular contact.  But there are those relationships that are worth the extra effort.  I just need to figure out how to reconcile my feelings of slight, and move beyond them.

Now I’m back to the other focus of relationships and that is with regard to PGUMC and the Vision team.  The book that we are loosely using as our “guide” through the process has not been inspiring to me.  It is very bland reading and the phrasing used by the author is way more fundamentalist than I prefer.  It is tough reading as I am constantly having to try to interpret what the author means by changing the words to a vocabulary that I am comfortable with and understand.  Therefore for the first meeting I went in with a definite negative vibe (I can hear all of you now, “Wow, Jeff negative?  Not possible” –dripping with sarcasm.  Yes I know I tend to come at most topics from the negative point of view.  I am aware of the character flaw).   It wasn’t until we broke up into smaller groups and one of the individuals, who was leading the group, Larry, said just a few words that opened my eyes to the gist of what the author had rambled on about for 20+ pages.  Relationships.  That is what the heart of the message was.  Build relationships in order to thrive and achieve your greatest potential.  He related it to something very similar to my own experience.  In 2011 Joe and I joined the Disciple Bible Study at PGUMC.  It is a long and intensive study of the entire Bible.  However, it is a place where you can speak freely of any doubts, questions and opinions.  We started off as a very large group of 40+.  As with any group or class, there is a rate of attrition where people drop out for a variety of reasons.  For Disciple Bible Study the largest factor is the time commitment.  That is perfectly understandable.  It runs for 9+ months, weekly, and with a lot of reading.  However, after 2-3 months, you are down to a core group that you are comfortable with and the relationship building begins.  Larry was in my DBS.  We attend different services at church and only see each other 3 or 4 times a year and usually in passing.  However the relationship that was built in DBS is still there.  During that year, I made so many new friendships that are still present.  Even though I don’t see them on a regular basis anymore.  When I do see them, I immediately smile because I know we shared something together that was special.  That is what the church needs to do.  Create a broader relationship within the church.  A congregational relationship that can span all differences in age, background, socio-economics, worship service attended, Sunday school class, small group, Bible study.  With a deep relationship comes commitment.  With commitment comes a willingness to “buy into” what the purpose and yes, vision of the church is. Solid relationships are like a compass.  They ground you and give you direction. 

Like my life since January, direction is the one thing that I have lacked.  Adrift would sum me up.  I have made big strides, don’t get me wrong.  Right now the biggest stride is attempting to be healthier.  My workouts at the YMCA continue, my change in diet continues and my weight loss continues. YAY!  As of this morning just 6 more pounds to get to my goal weight.  That day I will finally get my McDonald’s fries.  I may gain weight back that day, but it will be worth it to taste those fries again.  I’ll just go from there to the Y and put in extra cardio time.

Thank you to everyone who continues to reach out to me.