Random

When the word of the day is random, you can pretty much expect my thoughts to wander, and wander, and maybe even wonder.

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger".  What the heck is that supposed to mean?  I'm no spring chicken, I've been through a lot in my life, maybe not what many people have been through, but I've had more than my share of woes and I'm here to tell you that that is BS...a huge stinking wad of bulls*it.   My experience is that "what doesn't kill you" usually leaves you broken, bruised, scarred, unable to cope and barely able to keep your head above water.  I mean really, who thought of that?  Then there is "God doesn't give you more than you can handle".  Again, total BS.  What is the point of "giving no more than you can handle"?  Growth?  Excuse me but I'd rather remain stagnant than have to go through the pain in order to come out the other side having grown as a person.  I know, cynical.

Beneath the Darkness.  How dark can a day get?  When the dark never lifts, do you continue to describe it as darkness or do you just concede that it's called your life?  At what point do you just say screw it?  And if you do say screw it, what then?  What if you've said screw it and nothing has changed?  What motivates someone who is feeling hopeless to even get out of bed?  Where do they look for motivation?  Friends?, family?, faith?, therapy?  That isn't a rhetorical question, where?  I'd really like to know if someone has an idea or two to share.

How are you -or- How are you doing?   When you ask someone that question, do you really want to know or are you just being socially pleasant?  My theory, based on my vast (well, maybe not so vast, but I have been asked that A LOT), is that people don't really want to know.  They are much more comfortable when the questioned individual just smiles and says "fine", or "ok", or really stretches the truth and says "good".  Last year I had friends that lost their elementary school age daughter.  These friends are not people that I am particularly close too, I haven't seen them in some time, however given the fact that we both suffered losses in 2013, we do share some common history.  Now please, do not for one second think that I am equating the loss of Joe to the loss of their daughter.  I don't have a child and can never fully understand how that feels just as they don't know the feeling of loosing a spouse (and I pray they never do).  We've never "measured" our losses against one another, but have simply said I'm so sorry for your loss.  But we do share a level of understanding when it comes to how others outside our "grief sphere" react to us, talk to us, expect things from us.  Since I don't want to assume that they would like their names on my blog, I'll just call the mom, "Nellie".  Nellie and I have communicated through email & Facebook for the past year and a half.  In many ways, our thought processes on grief and the expectations of others is very similar.  We share one very real and very common similarity.  We are both so very tired of smiling and pretending we are okay.  I've had that fake smile plastered on my face when in public for so long, I'm almost starting to forget what my real smile looks like.  Just once, I'd like for someone to instead of asking how I'm doing, just tell me not to pretend to be ok and if I want to just be myself, to meet them for coffee, a meal or a drink sometime.  That, I might actually climb out of bed for.  Nellie, if you're reading this, can you and me get together sometime to be real?  Hey, we might even be able to have a laugh after we stop crying.  So people, next time you see someone you haven't seen in a while or you see someone who has had some recent trials or tribulations, don't ask how they are.  Don't ask them anything.  Just tell them it is good to see them.  Answering questions is usually not high on the list of things they want to do, especially if you are just being polite and don't really have an hour or so to hear how they are really doing.

Meltdown in progress.  Joe, wherever you may be, please tell me what to do.

Alone.  Enough said.

Corporate 5 Days....Can It Happen?

Today was a good day.  Why you ask?  Step one of my "master plan" was put into real motion today.  Called to what we jokingly call the principal's office to discuss my future at work.  No trouble, all good.  Step one to opening the door to corporate 5 days a week is in the works!  YAY!!!

A Plea For Ministry to All

“No Caste in the Church of God”

Gilbert Haven, The Methodist Episcopal Church

Adopted by the New England Conference. March 30th, 1867.

"Three years ago we admitted to our membership a well known and able minister of our church, whose services in the local ranks made him popular and believed in many of our churches. But solely on account of his complexion, he could not be received by the charge he was sent, which even complained that its character had been damaged by having his name, only, thus officially connected with its own. No complaint was made of his abilities, which were unquestioned, and which, under other circumstances, they would have been proud and glad to have enjoyed as their own. They revolted from him solely because of the color of his skin. We do not say this to condemn them, but as a necessary ground for our appeal. They will yet be proud of having this first official connection of any white church in America with a colored minister. May it soon be renewed…

…We ask for his return, pledging ourselves to go upon circuits with him, if in no other way the churches could be induced to accept him as a pastor.

But the time has come, in our judgement, when a yet more broad and just course should be pursued. We do not plead for this or any other brother in particular, but for all those whom God has called to his ministry; whom you would gladly recommend, and we would gladly admit to our Conference. We plead for risen and rising men of power, that are now shut out from the full exercise of divinely given endowments by the prevalence of this most unchristian prejudice. We entreat you to open your hearts and consent to the opening of your pulpits to their official ministrations.

Our reasons for this entreaty are manifold. Be pleased to listen to a few of them:
First, The Spirit of the age demands it of us. Everywhere the chains of caste are falling. In India and England, in the South and the North man is beginning to see “brother” written in the face of him whom he lately loathed, and his heart is yearning towards him…Shall not our churches in their sphere be equally faithful and progressive? Shall we keep up barriers that are everywhere else disappearing?

Second. But we should do this because of its relations to our political duties. Our State has long since abolished all distinctions among its citizens of color…The United States is becoming equally true to principle, and in her late acts has completely abolished the whole iniquity of caste from national legislation. Shall the church wear these chains after the State has dropped them from her limbs? Shall she presume to look a minister of Christ in the face and reject him as her pastor, when the world around her will readily make him, its representative? If we would have any direct and ecclesiastical share in this divine work, we must hasten to avow our victory over this sin; our readiness to treat all of God’s ministers and people as one with us and one in the Lord.

Third. This is especially needed in view of our consistency as well as our relation to the work elsewhere. As a Conference, upheld, we rejoice to say, by our churches, for more than a generation we have plead with the church and the nation to abolish this iniquity of slavery. We have been in a minority often, and long, but have suffered and served till the church and the nation obeyed the voice of God and proclaimed his law. To-day we have been equally earnest in imploring the church to disregard all distinctions among her members and ministers based on color; to abolish separate Conferences, schools and churches; to fully and faithfully recognize and act up to the most evident will of God written in his word, in the hearts of his disciples, in the history of his church…

Fourth. But, lastly, the Spirit of God demands that we do this duty because of the brethren whom he has called to his ministry, and the souls he has filled with his salvation. They are trammeled and oppressed by our unbrotherliness…Put yourself in the place of these brethren. Bear their burdens in your feelings, thankful that you may thus fulfill the law of love. How would you feel if having been called of God to preach, knowing that it was not from men nor by men, but from the Lord Jesus Christ and God the Father, if when you begin to fulfill your ministry, multitudes of your brethren, church upon churches should look with loathing upon you because of certain characteristics give you by God?…Such has been, such is their condition. So have they been hated and cast out by their brethren. So have their hearts been riven with anguish unutterable. The times of our ignorance God hardly winked at. Our dread chastisement was its legitimate punishment; and now every ear hears him call us everywhere to repent. Will you enable us to show our repentance by hastening to do the most just and brotherly work of welcoming all these ministers as our own believed kindred, like Christ himself, of our own body, of our flesh, of our bones? Will you assure our Presiding Elders that you are willing to accept brethren of this hue as your pastors? Ministers of talent, attainments and piety are waiting the opening of this door.

Will you respond to this request of God, spoken in your conscience, spoken by his angel in the ear of all his churches, and invite them to come in? So doing, the Master who is with them will enter as never before into our temples and hearts…"

A different time.  Different situation. Yet strikenly similar and resonates today. UMC, end your prejudice and bigotry. Change the Discipline.

45 Days Until Christmas

It is so hard to believe that Christmas is just a month and a half away.  2 weeks from now is Thanksgiving.  Good news, Thanksgiving week I have 2 days off (that makes a 4 day weekend), then I work for 2 weeks and have a week off (still have 1 week of vacation left and will spend it at Lake Lure, NC), then after returning to work on Dec. 22, I work a 3 day week, then the next week a 4 day week.  Not bad.  All total, between now and the end of the year I have 10 extra days off!  YAY!!!!!

On the other side of the coin, my GI issues continue.  I've seen doctors about it and have a diagnosis and treatment.  I guess that actually qualifies as good news too.  I've felt better the last couple of weeks since taking the new medication.  That should qualify for a yay too, so YAY!!!!!  Work has been good as well, although slower than I like as it can make for long days.  I also made decisions about some of the things that have been causing me stress and have eliminated what I can.  Progress, right?  YAY!!!!!  Now I just need the self motivation to start working out again.  How did I do it last year?  Was it just wanting to not be fat that did it?  Should I just start eating a lot more and put some pounds back on so I can self motivate?  I think that might be a little on the counterproductive side of the coin.

I went to see the mother-in-law last weekend and had a very nice visit.  We sat and talked for hours and hours after lunch (and during lunch).  I stayed until after dinner and then made my trek back to Durham.

My Twitter feed has been on fire since the "Finding Our Way" webcast.  I've made lots of new FB friends and gotten a lot more Twitter followers.  Nice to know that there are people out there that share some of the same opinions and thought processes about topics that matter to me.

My real question of the night is this...."Do I put up the Christmas decorations, even the limited version that I did last year, this year?"  Anyone that knows me well knows that I hate putting up a Christmas tree.  That was a Joe thing.  That is why we always had 2 trees.  He loved the trees.  My feeling is that it just takes too much time and effort.  Especially on the taking down end.  Last year I just put up the metal "Cary tree" that we bought 10 years ago.  It comes in 4 pieces and takes 10 minutes to put up.  I put one tea light on each "branch" and called it a day.  Very simple, but was the best I could do given the circumstances.  I put the other decorations around the house, like I always have done.  So do I make myself put the Cary tree up?  It's pretty, but AARRRRRGH....I'm lazy and not motivated.  Can someone send me some Christmas spirit??  If that's asking too much, how about some Thanksgiving spirit?  I could probably work with that.

Family redefined - Luke 8

Then his mother and his brothers came to him, but they could not reach him because of the crowd. And he was told, “Your mother and your brothers are standing outside, wanting to see you.” But he said to them, “My mother and my brothers are those who hear the word of God and do it.” (Luke 8:19-21 NRSV)

When I read Jesus’ words in Luke 8 about his mother and brothers, I think Wow, harsh.  That is not typically what you say when your family shows up.  How do you feel if your family shows up unannounced?  Over the years mine learned simply not to.  Most of us would overreact in some way, but we expect more from Jesus.  He seems to dismiss them outright.

But I think what Jesus is really doing is redefining the word family.  He says to the crowd my mother and my brothers are those who hear the word of God and do it. Those who are part of God’s family are related in a deeper way than those in our earthly families.  This idea about family continues later in Luke 8 when a woman touches the wings of Jesus’ garment.  He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace.” (Luke 8:48 NRSV)  He also changes her name from woman in verse 43 and 47 to daughter in verse 48.  She was no longer an anonymous woman in the crowd. When Jesus addresses her she becomes daughter.  She becomes a relative!  No longer a generic woman, but a specific daughter.

I wonder when we see people do we see generic people? Or can we challenge ourselves to look deeper?  What if we began to see the people around us as sons and daughters of God no matter what their circumstances are?  Would that not make for a more familial society in general? 

Odd Assortment of Happenings Last Week

Normally the week of Halloween is filled with ghosts and goblins but this year there were a few other oddities thrown in.  I had to go out a couple of nights just to check and make sure there wasn't a full moon.  Any excuse for the behavior of some people and for what was extraordinary occurrences that I witnessed.

Oddly freakish behavior was limited to a couple of co-workers.  Mind you it isn't that strange for my co-works to exhibit behavior that I find odd.  But yet, I'm taken aback when it happens.  Maybe they do it on purpose just to see how well I handle it.  I'm sure they were surprised this week when I did not handle it well at all.  We all have our limits.

That's me and a co-worker on Friday for Halloween.  We came as "Comfortable".  I must say I could get used to working in pajamas.

Another interesting happening was on Saturday morning.  The UMC Connectional Table was having their conference on 'Human Sexuality and the Church" and it was being webcast.  If you read a couple of posts prior to this one, you may have read or viewed the video that I recorded and submitted.  Guess what?...they used it.  Actually it was first.  Now mind you, only 4 videos were submitted but still, I was pleased that they included it in their discussion.  It got my Twitter feed buzzing and I spent the better part of the day in discussion via Twitter & email with people from all over the US and world, answering and asking questions.  Most were just interested folks in the Twittersphere but a couple were from the UMNS and other UMC publications/news sources.  All in all it was an illuminating day.  But here's the good, the bad and the ugly.

Observations:

• The panel of Bishops somehow found ways of saying the same thing over and over without ever repeating the same phrases.  They are a talented group of intellectuals and have a good command of language.
• Having a panel to discuss homosexuality and the Church with no LGBTQ representation is equivalent to a discussion of race with only white people present or women's issues by a panel of men.
• Bishop Talbert is a GEM.
• Waiting until 2016 for a decision is only going to exacerbate the problem.  There is tension and it will only get worse given the amount of time that will pass before Conference.
• There are great division among us Methodists.  Twitter was lit up with vitriol from the conservative side of the Church.  
• Divisions in the Church were apparent before the event began as three members of the group Love Prevails were prevented from entering the room where the webcast was taking place.
• I didn't get an answer to my question as to why I should stay.

The fact that this conversation took place at all is miraculous.  The fact that people from all over the world were able to participate via the internet made it even more intriguing.  The fact that I took part both via the video and through Twitter is even more astounding to me.

One of the best recaps/analysis' of the panel was written by Cynthia B. Astle, "Hopeful Signs Emerge from Sexuality Panel" from United Methodist Insight.  Read full here    One of the more interesting items to come out of the panel is the realization that United Methodist Bishops have finally acknowledged that they disagree over the acceptability of homosexual practice as a legitimate expression of human sexuality.

I'm also considering attending the GCN (Gay Christian Network) Conference in Portland early next year.  I was contacted about it because of the video and am waiting to get some more information/details before I make a decision.  The person I spoke with, Rachel Evans, urged me to consider attending.  So I will.

If you did not watch the webcast, it will be posted as a podcast soon and be able to be viewed at any time.  Let me know if you are interested in listening/watching and I will let you know when it is available.  The four videos that were shown are all available on Youtube and can be viewed on the Connectional Table website.

• Connectional Table Youtube Videos  (scroll to the bottom of the page to view the videos)

I AM NOT AN ISSUE

NC's Ban On Same Sex Marriage Ruled UNCONSTITUTIONAL!!!!

Anyone with a minuscule amount of common sense knew this day would come in NC.  I wish I could say that I feel bad for the 1.3 million homophobic, bigoted, hateful residents of NC that voted YES to Amendment One in 2012, but I can't.  Those individuals (yes you Thom Tillis) chose hate and in the end, love has WON out.   Joe worked so hard for this back in 2012 even though he was undergoing chemo.  As I've said before, he would have chemo in the morning and demonstrate at the state legislature building in the afternoon.  It worried me so, but I was and still am so proud of him for being so dedicated to his convictions.   It came too late to help us, but regardless, WE WON, Baby!

Same Sex Marriage: WAKE UP UMC

"Same-sex couples are able to marry in 26 states, and will soon be free to marry in an additional 9. The marriage states are: California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Hawaii, Illinois, Iowa, Indiana, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Minnesota, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, Vermont, Virginia, Utah, Washington and Wisconsin, as well as the District of Columbia.  Additionally, because the Supreme Court denied review in a case seeking the freedom to marry, the freedom to marry will soon come to all states in the 4th, 10th, and 7th Circuits, including Kansas, North Carolina, South Carolina, West Virginia and Wyoming.  The 9th Circuit Court of Appeals has also affirmed the freedom to marry, meaning that barring further action from defendants in Idaho, same-sex couples will soon be free to marry. The ruling would also be binding in Alaska, Arizona and Montana.  Marriage licenses have been issued to same-sex couples in Arkansas and Michigan following court orders, but those orders are now either on hold or being challenged as they are considered by appellate courts."

This means that barring some unforeseen change, within a matter of weeks, same-sex marriage will be considered legal in 35 states & the District of Columbia.  Even without the above mentioned 9 that are coming, 26 of 50 states now recognize this fact.  That's more than 50% of the USA.  The tide is not only changing, it is high tide and rolling ashore!  Wake UP UMC!  Adapt or go the way of the dinosaur.  Your numbers are already dwindling to a desperately low number.  If you can't justify a change faithfully, religiously or through your narrow Biblical views, maybe looking at it economically is the best way to see it.  Like many if not most Christian denominations, you are dying on the vine.  Set yourself apart any way you can.  What do you really have to loose?  Reduced membership? It's already happening.  Reduced income/contributions?  It's already happening.  Bad press?  You've got that by the boat load!  It's 2014.  Act like it!

Joe- Look at me!  I'm political AND controversial!!!!  Well, maybe not that controversial, but I'm speaking up.  Silent no more.

A delicate posting

It's only been a little more than a month, but it seems so much longer since my last post.  At that time I was trying to figure out if I would be able to go to the beach for the Labor Day weekend.  It seems like so long ago.  I think that is what pain does.  Time moves much slower when you are hurting.  I didn't go to the beach, I went to the hospital instead.  The pain got more intense and I had a bad reaction to one of the antibiotics.  Not a long visit mind you, just long enough for the nausea to be managed and the pain to subside.  I was out by the evening of Labor Day Monday after having slept a lot for a couple of days.  But here we are five+ weeks later and the discomfort remains.  Not pain, at least not constant, just a general discomfort most often after a meal.  I remember it taking a long time last year for the discomfort to go away, but I don't remember it taking this long.  But then again, pain makes time move slower.

Next up, work.  Mostly good.  I am still really enjoying being at our corporate office two to three days a week.  It's nice to have specific tasks/responsibilities to take care of each day and work toward getting them completed without constant interruption.  Much nicer than having to be a jack of all trades and answer question after question (and they are almost always the same questions over and over) which is my Chapel Hill office routine along with biting my tongue not to say something when pulled away from what I'm doing to "problem solve".   There were two perfect examples last week: Agent 1 comes and tells me her computer says she isn't connected to a device and won't do anything.  I go into her office to discover that her monitor is on but she hasn't turned the computer on.  Agent 2 comes and tells me she thinks she broke her email (yes she said that) because all her email is old and only stuff she wrote.  Nothing coming in.  I go to her computer and yep, you guessed it.  She is in her "sent" folder.  Geez.   Oh well, I'm gainfully employed, that's something!

The next two subjects are ones that I am very hesitant to write about.  I feel it necessary to pick my words very carefully and that is something that I'm not very good at.  During Joe's illness, the blog served as such a source of release because I said what I felt and didn't worry about it.  I don't feel that I can do that any longer.  Many people will not understand where I'm coming from; where my head is at; where my heart is at.  I have written a number of posts, mostly when I'm feeling very upset, very frustrated, very emotional and they have never been published but just sit on the blog as drafts...never to be read by anyone.  But here goes, in as delicate a manner as I can muster.

The United Methodist Church.  I'm talking the UMC as a whole.  Not a local congregation.  No individuals.  My perception is that everything in the UMC seems to move at a glacial pace, but I've never been a patient person.  I've listened.  I've read.  I've thought.  I've prayed.  I've stressed.  What do I do?  How do I as a gay male, reconcile my association as a member in good standing with the UMC, when the governing bodies of the UMC do everything in their power to disassociate from the LGBT community.  Or to those wanting reconciliation with the LGBT community- do everything to "talk" or "committee" the issue to a quick death.  Please do not get me wrong, I DO appreciate the efforts of those in favor of a change to the language in the Book of Discipline.  I just truly do not see why there has to be discussion after discussion, pandering after pandering, negotiation after negotiation which inevitably leads to capitulation.  I understand the system of quadrennial General Conferences.  No change this big can happen outside of General Conference.  However, I honestly don't see any progressive movement with regard to the Church.  Maybe I'm too close to it but the "issue" is pretty basic and uncomplicated.  Either the UMC removes the verbiage in the Book of Discipline with regard to  ¶ 304.3 "The practice of homosexuality is incompatible with Christian teaching"; ¶ 613 "The [conference council on finance and administration] shall have authority and responsibility to perform the following functions: 19. To ensure that no annual conference board, agency, committee, commission, or council shall give United Methodist funds to any gay caucus or group, or otherwise use such funds to promote the acceptance of homosexuality or violate the expressed commitment of The UMC"; and "We affirm the sanctity of the marriage covenant that is expressed in love, mutual support, personal commitment, and shared fidelity between a man and a woman. We believe that God's blessing rests upon such marriage, whether or not there are children of the union. We support laws in civil society that define marriage as the union of one man and one woman."  If these passages are not removed or changed, they are once again reaffirming their belief that gay persons are "less than" heterosexual persons.  Rejecting the denomination's stance on gay rights and same-sex marriage were important issues for at least 15 United Methodist annual (regional) conferences this summer.  United Methodists from Washington and the northern panhandle of Idaho approved legislation supporting the Marriage Equality Act.  See ARTICLE   As progressive as those 15 UMC annual conferences are however, there are more that do not feel the same way.  How long before the conservative aspect of the Church realizes the emotional harm that is being inflicted on those of us within the UMC by the Book of Discipline?  HRC watchlist article  Or is that the point?  Drive us out?  Without a change, "Open hearts, Open minds, Open doors" is nothing more than a catch phrase with no substance, meaning, or truth behind it.  So much time is being spent talking about a schism in the UMC.  Will the issue split the Church with conservatives or progressives leaving the UMC depending on the results after General Conference in 2016? Do I care if a split happens?  All this talk about the institution and so very, very little talk about the idea and the teachings of Christ and his inclusiveness of those perceived as "less than".  What is more important?  The institution (UMC) itself or the teachings of faith and discipleship that the institution is supposed to stand for.  Shouldn't it be the faith and discipleship?  So why am I still a Methodist?  Believe me, that is a question I have asked since General Conference 2012.  Joe and I were so hopeful heading into that summer that there would be a change.  But every proposal was shot down, or not even heard at all.  At the first PGUMC staff meeting after the 2012 General Conference, Jay asked Joe if I was going to come back to PGUMC.  The three of us had discussed at length our hopes and Jay knew it was important to us.  I did come back and have been faithfully attending, tithing, and working on several committees ever since.  I love PGUMC.  Maybe I should say I love Pleasant Grove.  It's the UMC I can do without.  But at what point does my conscience take over?  At what point do I say, "I love the people of PGUMC, but in good conscience, I have to find a denomination where I am accepted as equal to".  I struggle with that weekly.  Do I just say I'm sorry and walk away to a local Church of Christ, Presbyterian or Episcopal church?  I think about it a lot.  I have an emotional attachment to PGUMC.  The church was very important to Joe.  But do I need to go to a church because Joe went there?  As much as Joe loved PGUMC, had he not gotten sick, I think he would have actively sought out a job at a different denomination.  We talked about it several times.  He really wanted a full time Director of Music job but at that time, there was no hint of a possibility from PGUMC.  He was very unhappy with the UMC stance following the 2012 General Conference.  He became quite political with regard to LGBT issues the last 5 years of his life.  I complained loudly and vigorously when he repeatedly insisted on going to Raleigh to protest against Amendment One outside the General Assembly.  Chemo in the morning and protest in the afternoon.  Recent Supreme Court decisions are bittersweet as it changes very little for me personally but maybe it will improve my psyche.  So do I wait and see what happens in 2 years in the UMC?  2 years of frustration with only a slight glimmer of hope at the end. (I know that is a pessimistic viewpoint & statement)  Or do I cut my loses and try to find a denomination more accepting now?   I recently filmed a 2 1/2 minute video and submitted it to the Connectional Table’s Human Sexuality Task Force live stream event to be held on Saturday 11/1/14.  They are selecting 3 videos to be shown and discussed as part of the program.  I have no reason to think my video will be selected, but then I have no reason to think it won't.  Here is a link to my video:  http://youtu.be/HLa2mFKjIug.  My heart just isn't in trying to hold on right now.  But my lack of heart could be a sign of something else.

Something else. My doctor says I need to try to get out more.  See friends, go see movies, have people over to my house.  Seclusion is only making things seem worse.  Problem one: Friends are busy with their own lives.  Problem two:  I don't like to go to movies alone and there's nothing I want to see lately anyway.  Problem three: One friend has been to my house two times since Joe died (20 months), two families from church one time, out of town friends have been twice.  That's five visits in 20 months (not that I'm keeping count or anything <G>).  Obviously I don't exactly have people begging to come to the house.  I get it.  I'm sure most of my friends associate the house with Joe.  They haven't been here since he died and probably don't want to.  Heck, if I didn't live here, I might not want to come here.  But I do.  I sleep here.  I get up, shower, go to work, come back home, go to bed.  Then the cycle starts over. Then the thoughts start over.  Then the grief starts over.  Then the sun comes up and the next day begins with the same outcome.  What's the Narcotics Anonymous phrase, "The definition of insanity is repeating the same mistakes and expecting different results."  Maybe that's me.  Same behavior and expecting (or not) things to change.  Possibly change only happens when I change.  I'm supposed to "set realistic expectations about myself and for myself and others."  Hmmmm.   Food for thought for me on this Autumn evening.

So what now.  The last thing I want is for anyone to think I'm not appreciative of everything that PGUMC did for Joe and for me.  They have been my lifeline for the last four years.  They have been my friends, my family.  No amount of thank you's could ever be enough.  What I want is for the UMC to change.  What I need is acceptance.  But would that acceptance really change the way I feel most of the time.  Alone.  Separate.  I just have to weigh the "wants" and "needs" and decide which is more important.  Maybe when I get my head straightened out I can make decisions on a variety of topics including the UMC.  

Last night I had the strangest experience.  Maybe experience is the wrong word.  I'm sure most people would just say dream, but if a dream, it was unlike any I have ever had.  I don't typically dream about Joe except when it's really just a replay of an actual event that has happened in our lives together.  But last night, in the middle of some random dream that I don't even remember, there was Joe, looking at me from across a room.  I knew it was a dream, but I ran to him, put my arms around him and hugged him.  I said, "I've missed you so much."   He replied, "I know baby, it's just hard for me to manifest here like this."  I pulled back from the embrace and looked at his smiling face just inches from mine and his features dissolved away and I woke up.  I can still feel the embrace.  It was so vivid.  So tactile.  I of course immediately tried to go back to sleep but couldn't.  But it has left me with the strangest feeling all day.  Another explanation of the feeling could be only getting 3 hours sleep and my cold.  Even in the wake of feeling so odd, I can be a realist.  

But let me close with a question, "When is Thom Tillis going to claim that Kay Hagan is responsible for ebola?"

Diverticulitis: the gift that keeps on giving

What a week so far.  But hey, I shouldn't limit it to just this week as this latest episode really began last week.   On Monday the 18th, I wasn't quite up to par but there were no specific symptoms.  On Tuesday, once again nothing specific, but that was my anniversary day and I was all wrapped up in my head so unless there had been some very pronounced sharp pains, I probably wouldn't have noticed anyway.  Then came Wednesday and the GI issues began.  I'll admit, I ate more cake than I should have on Tuesday night, but it was very good.  So it was no surprise that my tummy didn't feel great the next morning.  But by lunch time and the constant uncomfortable feeling was continuing to linger, I had to admit to myself that this might be more than a poor meal choice.  So beginning on Wednesday, I started a modified BRAT diet.  Now if anyone has done BRAT, you know that after just 24 hours, the idea of another banana is downright disgusting.  But I persevered.  Wednesday: 3 bananas, cup of applesauce, 2 pieces of toast.  Thursday: 2 bananas, white rice, baked potato, plain Greek yogurt.  Friday: 1 banana, baked potato (with butter), white rice, cup of applesauce.  Saturday: grits, 2 pieces of toast, 1 banana, baked potato, 2 boiled eggs. Sunday: grits, 2 boiled eggs, baked potato, grilled chicken breast, 1 banana, white rice.  Monday: 2 bananas, banana sandwich, Hershey's dark chocolate bar, 2 boiled eggs. Tuesday: 2 bananas, banana sandwich, Greek yogurt. Wednesday: saltines & pimento cheese, mashed potatoes, sweet potato, green beans. Thursday: mashed potatoes, Mac 'n cheese, green beans, grilled chicken breast.  Please note that the items that were actually cooked were seasoned with just a little salt.  I can't have anything spicy.  The pain remained at pretty consistent level until Tuesday night when it ramped up somewhat so I saw the doctor the next morning.  I'm on two antibiotics (500mg Ciproflaxin 2xday: 500mg Metronidazole 3xday). So after 48 hours my pain level has increased instead of decreased.  Go figure.  One of the side effects listed on the prescription for the Metronidazole is stomach pain.  But I'm taking it for stomach pain so how do I know if it's working if it causes stomach pain?  Do I just wait the 10 days til the pills are gone to know? I know I don't have to. Doc has given me three days for improvement or I might be visiting Duke again. Oh joy!  I haven't visited what Joe called the "Duke Spa" since last falls bout with the big D.   

All of this going on when I have plans to go to the beach for 3 days.  Trying to figure out how best to accomplish this-- I can't sit for long without having to either lay down or stand up, neither of which is conducive to driving the 3 1/2 hour trip to Holden; while on the Ciproflaxin I can't be in the sun which makes sitting on the beach less appealing however, that's what umbrellas are for and we have several; sitting in a beach chair is never high on the comfort scale so not sure about that given my current sitting issues anyway; last, nervous Nellie here can't help but think about the possibility that I could get to hurting and need medical care...Wilmington?...I don't think so...Fayetteville?...H#LL no. They killed my momma and almost killed Aimee.  So what to do?  Relaxing on the beach could be so wonderful and maybe just what the doctor ordered,... errrr no, he ordered antibiotics.  But you know what I mean.   I guess the best course is just to wait and see.  I'm such a patient person, that won't be a problem. 😁.  JOE!!  Where are you?  You are supposed to be here taking care of me.  That was the plan and you promised!

A Not So Happy 3rd Anniversary