Next up, work. Mostly good. I am still really enjoying being at our corporate office two to three days a week. It's nice to have specific tasks/responsibilities to take care of each day and work toward getting them completed without constant interruption. Much nicer than having to be a jack of all trades and answer question after question (and they are almost always the same questions over and over) which is my Chapel Hill office routine along with biting my tongue not to say something when pulled away from what I'm doing to "problem solve". There were two perfect examples last week: Agent 1 comes and tells me her computer says she isn't connected to a device and won't do anything. I go into her office to discover that her monitor is on but she hasn't turned the computer on. Agent 2 comes and tells me she thinks she broke her email (yes she said that) because all her email is old and only stuff she wrote. Nothing coming in. I go to her computer and yep, you guessed it. She is in her "sent" folder. Geez. Oh well, I'm gainfully employed, that's something!
The next two subjects are ones that I am very hesitant to write about. I feel it necessary to pick my words very carefully and that is something that I'm not very good at. During Joe's illness, the blog served as such a source of release because I said what I felt and didn't worry about it. I don't feel that I can do that any longer. Many people will not understand where I'm coming from; where my head is at; where my heart is at. I have written a number of posts, mostly when I'm feeling very upset, very frustrated, very emotional and they have never been published but just sit on the blog as drafts...never to be read by anyone. But here goes, in as delicate a manner as I can muster.
The United Methodist Church. I'm talking the UMC as a whole. Not a local congregation. No individuals. My perception is that everything in the UMC seems to move at a glacial pace, but I've never been a patient person. I've listened. I've read. I've thought. I've prayed. I've stressed. What do I do? How do I as a gay male, reconcile my association as a member in good standing with the UMC, when the governing bodies of the UMC do everything in their power to disassociate from the LGBT community. Or to those wanting reconciliation with the LGBT community- do everything to "talk" or "committee" the issue to a quick death. Please do not get me wrong, I DO appreciate the efforts of those in favor of a change to the language in the Book of Discipline. I just truly do not see why there has to be discussion after discussion, pandering after pandering, negotiation after negotiation which inevitably leads to capitulation. I understand the system of quadrennial General Conferences. No change this big can happen outside of General Conference. However, I honestly don't see any progressive movement with regard to the Church. Maybe I'm too close to it but the "issue" is pretty basic and uncomplicated. Either the UMC removes the verbiage in the Book of Discipline with regard to ¶ 304.3 "The practice of homosexuality is incompatible with Christian teaching"; ¶ 613 "The [conference council on finance and administration] shall have
authority and responsibility to perform the following functions: 19.
To ensure that no annual conference board, agency, committee,
commission, or council shall give United Methodist funds to any gay
caucus or group, or otherwise use such funds to promote the acceptance
of homosexuality or violate the expressed commitment of The UMC"; and "We affirm the sanctity of the marriage covenant that is expressed in
love, mutual support, personal commitment, and shared fidelity between a
man and a woman. We believe that God's blessing rests upon such
marriage, whether or not there are children of the union. We support laws in civil society that define marriage as the
union of one man and one woman." If these passages are not removed or changed, they are once again reaffirming their belief that gay persons are "less than" heterosexual persons. Rejecting the denomination's stance on gay rights and same-sex marriage
were important issues for at least 15 United Methodist annual (regional)
conferences this summer. United Methodists from Washington and the northern panhandle of Idaho approved legislation supporting the Marriage Equality Act. See ARTICLE As progressive as those 15 UMC annual conferences are however, there are more that do not feel the same way. How long before the conservative aspect of the Church realizes the emotional harm that is being inflicted on those of us within the UMC by the Book of Discipline? HRC watchlist article Or is that the point? Drive us out? Without a change, "Open hearts, Open minds, Open doors" is nothing more than a catch phrase with no substance, meaning, or truth behind it. So much time is being spent talking about a schism in the UMC. Will the issue split the Church with conservatives or progressives leaving the UMC depending on the results after General Conference in 2016? Do I care if a split happens? All this talk about the institution and so very, very little talk about the idea and the teachings of Christ and his inclusiveness of those perceived as "less than". What is more important? The institution (UMC) itself or the teachings of faith and discipleship that the institution is supposed to stand for. Shouldn't it be the faith and discipleship? So why am I still a Methodist? Believe me, that is a question I have asked since General Conference 2012. Joe and I were so hopeful heading into that summer that there would be a change. But every proposal was shot down, or not even heard at all. At the first PGUMC staff meeting after the 2012 General Conference, Jay asked Joe if I was going to come back to PGUMC. The three of us had discussed at length our hopes and Jay knew it was important to us. I did come back and have been faithfully attending, tithing, and working on several committees ever since. I love PGUMC. Maybe I should say I love Pleasant Grove. It's the UMC I can do without. But at what point does my conscience take over? At what point do I say, "I love the people of PGUMC, but in good conscience, I have to find a denomination where I am accepted as equal to". I struggle with that weekly. Do I just say I'm sorry and walk away to a local Church of Christ, Presbyterian or Episcopal church? I think about it a lot. I have an emotional attachment to PGUMC. The church was very important to Joe. But do I need to go to a church because Joe went there? As much as Joe loved PGUMC, had he not gotten sick, I think he would have actively sought out a job at a different denomination. We talked about it several times. He really wanted a full time Director of Music job but at that time, there was no hint of a possibility from PGUMC. He was very unhappy with the UMC stance following the 2012 General Conference. He became quite political with regard to LGBT issues the last 5 years of his life. I complained loudly and vigorously when he repeatedly insisted on going to Raleigh to protest against Amendment One outside the General Assembly. Chemo in the morning and protest in the afternoon. Recent Supreme Court decisions are bittersweet as it changes very little for me personally but maybe it will improve my psyche. So do I wait and see what happens in 2 years in the UMC? 2 years of frustration with only a slight glimmer of hope at the end. (I know that is a pessimistic viewpoint & statement) Or do I cut my loses and try to find a denomination more accepting now? I recently filmed a 2 1/2 minute video and submitted it to the Connectional Table’s Human Sexuality Task Force live stream event to be held on Saturday 11/1/14. They are selecting 3 videos to be shown and discussed as part of the program. I have no reason to think my video will be selected, but then I have no reason to think it won't. Here is a link to my video: http://youtu.be/HLa2mFKjIug. My heart just isn't in trying to hold on right now. But my lack of heart could be a sign of something else.
Something else. My doctor says I need to try to get out more. See friends, go see movies, have people over to my house. Seclusion is only making things seem worse. Problem one: Friends are busy with their own lives. Problem two: I don't like to go to movies alone and there's nothing I want to see lately anyway. Problem three: One friend has been to my house two times since Joe died (20 months), two families from church one time, out of town friends have been twice. That's five visits in 20 months (not that I'm keeping count or anything <G>). Obviously I don't exactly have people begging to come to the house. I get it. I'm sure most of my friends associate the house with Joe. They haven't been here since he died and probably don't want to. Heck, if I didn't live here, I might not want to come here. But I do. I sleep here. I get up, shower, go to work, come back home, go to bed. Then the cycle starts over. Then the thoughts start over. Then the grief starts over. Then the sun comes up and the next day begins with the same outcome. What's the Narcotics Anonymous phrase, "The definition of insanity is repeating the same mistakes and expecting different results." Maybe that's me. Same behavior and expecting (or not) things to change. Possibly change only happens when I change. I'm supposed to "set realistic expectations about myself and for myself and others." Hmmmm. Food for thought for me on this Autumn evening.
So what now. The last thing I want is for anyone to think I'm not appreciative of everything that PGUMC did for Joe and for me. They have been my lifeline for the last four years. They have been my friends, my family. No amount of thank you's could ever be enough. What I want is for the UMC to change. What I need is acceptance. But would that acceptance really change the way I feel most of the time. Alone. Separate. I just have to weigh the "wants" and "needs" and decide which is more important. Maybe when I get my head straightened out I can make decisions on a variety of topics including the UMC.
Last night I had the strangest experience. Maybe experience is the wrong word. I'm sure most people would just say dream, but if a dream, it was unlike any I have ever had. I don't typically dream about Joe except when it's really just a replay of an actual event that has happened in our lives together. But last night, in the middle of some random dream that I don't even remember, there was Joe, looking at me from across a room. I knew it was a dream, but I ran to him, put my arms around him and hugged him. I said, "I've missed you so much." He replied, "I know baby, it's just hard for me to manifest here like this." I pulled back from the embrace and looked at his smiling face just inches from mine and his features dissolved away and I woke up. I can still feel the embrace. It was so vivid. So tactile. I of course immediately tried to go back to sleep but couldn't. But it has left me with the strangest feeling all day. Another explanation of the feeling could be only getting 3 hours sleep and my cold. Even in the wake of feeling so odd, I can be a realist.
But let me close with a question, "When is Thom Tillis going to claim that Kay Hagan is responsible for ebola?"
.JPG)
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