So Now What????

For the most observant you will notice right off that this post is different than the most recent ones. For those not as observant I will help. The post has a title rather than a date.  Since Joe's death I just haven't felt creative enough to name a post and have just gone with the date.  Not that this post's title is creative, but hey, it's better than a date.

So what gives with "So Now What????" ?  Well today I finished all the items on my to-do list having to do with Joe's estate.  Thanks to two incredibly wonderful friends, Bill & Fredda Umphlett, I got the paperwork for Joe's 401K beneficiary account set up at SECU and the forms mailed back to the state government offices.  Fredda came over this morning and went with me to my local SECU branch where I saw the same loan officer I have dealt with the past couple of months with regards to Joe's bank accounts.  It was painless and didn't take long at all mostly due to Bill & Fredda's efforts prior to me even going to the bank.  After leaving the bank, we went to the post office and got the paperwork in the mail.  From there, the next item on my check list was the DMV.  Getting the titles of the two cars changed from both Joe and my names to just my name was the last detail in settling his estate.  I have stopped by the local DMV office twice in the last month in the late afternoon only to be confronted with lines to the door.  Each time I just turned and went back to the car and went home.  Today, though it was just at the beginning of the lunch hour, when we arrived there were only 2 people up at the counter being helped and no one in line.  Within 5 minutes, I was up at the counter and started with the paperwork.  Although it seemed to be an over abundance of forms to fill out, after getting it done, we were back in the car and it was just 12:35pm.  So what seemed like a long time really hadn't been.

There was just enough time for me to go home and grab a quick bite for lunch before going to the Duke Cancer Center for my 2pm counseling session.  I actually got there early and decided to go up to the 4th floor infusion center to see if Jason was working.  Jason is Joe's former middle school student who is a nurse there that I have written about before.  Before getting on the elevator I ran into Mark Bradford (former oncology team nurse who now works in the lab - I've written about him before also). After speaking with Mark I went on up to the 4th floor and inquired if Jason was working and he was so they buzzed him back in infusion and told him I was in the lobby.  Within a couple of minutes I saw him coming down the hall.  What is it about seeing the people who took such good care of Joe that just makes me automatically start to cry?  I didn't overdo it this time but did shed a few tears and just thanked Jason for the care he had taken with Joe and asked him to please tell Brenda and the others in infusion that I had been there and to express my sincere gratitude for all they did for Joe the last 2 years. Jason in true form, expressed deep sympathy for my loss and relayed how sorry everyone in infusion had been when they had learned of Joe's death.  So now I've managed to go see our oncology team (Dr. Zafar and Leigh Howard) and go up to the infusion center.  That just leaves the 9300 unit at the hospital.  Not quite ready for that one yet but I will get there one day.

Following my visit to infusion I went on to my 2pm counseling session with Jennifer and after leaving the DCC at 3pm, headed over to the Durham County Courthouse.  Of course, they are in the new courthouse now so it was a new experience.  Were Joe alive he would have considered it an adventure getting to go to the new building.  I however didn't exactly look at it that way.  It is a beautiful facility but I wasn't thrilled with the reason I had to be there.  It didn't take me long to find the Estates office and I was able to see the same person, Johnnie, that I saw on my previous visits to the Estates office at the old courthouse.  She had me in her office within 5 minutes of my arrival, looked over my final paperwork and then sent me to the cashier's office to pay the fee for finalizing the estate.  After getting that done, I returned to her office and she finalized the file.  All in all I spent just 20 minutes at the courthouse today.  By tomorrow the file should be recorded and all settled.

So now it's on to the title.  So now what?  That's how I feel.  I discussed it at counseling today about how I would feel when this part was done.  Although it has been a big pain in the behind, it has been a connection to Joe.  With it all settled, that's just one more connection that doesn't exist anymore.  How do I feel about that?  I don't know the answer.  Do I celebrate that it's done?  Do I cry?  Right now that is a bit of a rhetorical question because as I type I am crying.  Why?  I have no idea.  I don't want to hold onto the pain, but the pain does keep me closer to Joe.  I'm glad I don't have to fill out anymore forms (at least not that I know of....something tells me that there's still a surprise or two out there for me).  But the forms, even though tiresome, were because of Joe.  I can't complain about that.  I just don't know how to feel about this aspect being over.  Maybe only time will tell.  Big sigh right now.........

Last Friday was the Youth Dinner Theater at PGUMC.  A wonderful evening.  I laughed so hard at times and it felt so good.  However, I also cried.  Those wonderful youth and their leaders dedicated the evening to Joe and even donated part of the proceeds to the church music fund in Joe's honor.  At the end of the night they played a video of the youth in memory of Joe.  That's when my tears flowed that night but I wasn't the only one.  Even through the tears, I had a great time and am very grateful to everyone involved with the dinner theater.  You did a great job.

Today has been an exhausting day.  Even though everything went very smoothly and at no time did I have to wait in lines, I am really tired.  I think it's mental & emotional.  I've been in a "funk" ever since I got home from the courthouse.  Even eating my pork rinds didn't help.  At this point I think my best solution is just to go to bed.  I'll think about it tomorrow.  After all, tomorrow is another day (yes, a quote from one of Joe's "All Time Favorite" movies).

Thank you to everyone who continues to include me in their prayers and continue to lend a supportive ear or shoulder.  I am blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life and helping me out.