Birthday's Can Be Hard

Birthdays can be hard even when they are not your own.  This past weekend, my family threw a surprise birthday party for mine and Joe's niece, Sara.  She turns 16 in February and they are planning a cruise for the "official" birthday bash, but her mother Aimee, wanted her to have a party regardless.  Just not the usual massive Sweet Sixteen party that has become the rage recently.  So instead there was a somewhat smaller surprise party held at their house on Saturday.  The best part was that she was actually surprised.  She thought the party was for someone else, so she had done a lot of the prep work and set up for the party, not knowing she was doing it for herself.  She got quite the bewildered look when we sang "Happy Birthday" to her.  That was the good part, the fun part, but for Joe, the hard part.  Since his cancer diagnosis, although he has and continues to be very optimistic about his future, special occasions are difficult for him.  Especially this one where it was Sara's birthday.  He became quite upset that this might be the last of her birthdays that he will see.  Of course, this in turn got me upset.  However, I must admit I was in a crappy mood and it was probably my fault that precipitated the small meltdown.  We exchanged words and then the tears began to flow.  First from him, then from me, then from my sister and finally after giving Sara her birthday present, it was Sara's time to cry when she saw her Uncle Joe who she worships crying.  She didn't quite understand why and what was going on, but she can't see him upset without getting a little upset herself.  So after drying her eyes, checking her makeup, she continued on with her party.  Joe and I got some party food and cake and went in the kitchen to sit where it was quiet and we talked some.  The talk helped as we cleared the air a little.  Another thing that is bothering both of us is the upcoming birthday of our other niece, Brittany.  She will be 13 in March and they are planning a big party for her which Joe wants to attend.  There is only one little glitch, her mother, Bettie (Joe's sister), is having it at their house.  That's where the "rub" comes in.  I desperately want to be a part of her party as well, but I am being very stubborn and won't go to Bettie's house.  The weekend after Joe and I were married in Connecticut, we called all members of both our families upon our return to inform them that we had gotten married.  We started with Joe's mother, then his sister Bettie and then my sister Phyllis.  It was a very brief, possibly the briefest, conversation that Joe has ever had with his mother.  She was upset, as her religion is very anti-gay.  But she was nice and after 5 minutes the call ended.  It took a little while, but about 10 days later, we did receive a "Congratulations" card from her.  We both knew it was something she would not be happy about, but Joe is her son, and at least she is making the effort to be somewhat supportive, even if just through an occasional card.  When he called his sister Bettie and told her, there was silence on the other end of the phone for about 20 seconds and then Bettie changed the subject and began talking about her kids, what was going on with her and didn't even acknowledge what Joe had just told her.  To this day, 5 months later, she has yet to acknowledge in anyway that Joe and I got married.  I have never and will never expect Bettie to like me, accept me as part of the family or in anyway acknowledge our relationship to me.  But Joe is her brother.  Would it have been so difficult, regardless of her  conservative religious beliefs, to say a simple congratulations, or I hope you are happy or in anyway express something positive to her own brother, especially considering his health condition?  I think anyone who truly has real Christian values and ideals could not turn a blind eye to their own flesh and blood in this way.  For that reason, I can not find it within myself to go into her home and pretend that I am okay with the way she has treated him.  My relationship with Brittany is a good one.  I have loved watching her grow into a lovely young lady since the day she was born.  She is becoming an individual with her own thoughts, her own opinions and learning to express herself as an individual.  I couldn't be more proud of her or love her if she was my own blood.  Regardless of how the rest of her family feels, I believe I am her uncle and I know that she truly loves me.

While on the topic of Joe's family reaction I would like to take a moment to thank his cousins Whitney and Emily.  Other than his brother Bill and his wife Sandy who have been behind us 110% from the beginning, his 2 cousins are the only members of his family who have ever expressed a congratulations or a positive word towards him with regard to our marriage.  It has been hurtful and has deeply wounded Joe.  With everything else he has been facing since his diagnosis, this has certainly not helped.  But we have each other.  We have my family.  We have Bill & Sandy.  We have many friends and we have PGUMC.  They give us the courage and support to move forward.

So now you know why birthdays can be hard.  Sara's was filled with tears and Brittany's, at least leading up to it, is being filled with drama.  Joe says he is going to either talk with or send Bettie a letter about how he feels about her reaction to our August news and her lack of response.  About my feelings towards her and my participation in Brit's party.

Both families are filled with loving and caring people.  It just seems that when it comes to Joe's family, their ultra-conservative, evangelical religious views, won't allow them to extend what Christ spoke and taught over and over and over.  The core value of Christianity: love.  Not even when it comes to their brother, cousin, family member.