Vaccination date set

 This morning at 8 a.m. we began the process of trying to get an appointment date.  I had 3 appointments at the Duke Cancer Center so I was unable to man the phones but rather scanned the internet while waiting for the various appointments.  Steve meanwhile, was on the phone impersonating me, calling Duke, the Durham County Health Department and our pharmacy.   As he called each and was told to get on their waiting list, he texted me and I registered on each site.  By the time I got home, I was on 4 different waiting lists.  Within 30 minutes of getting home, our favorite place in Durham, Triangle Pharmacy, called with appointment options and I took the first one:  Friday, March 19 @ 9:50 a.m.   WooHoo....and it's the one shot Johnson & Johnson vaccine.    So EXCITING!

Radiation, Coronavirus vaccine, Hormone Therapy and Stress

Radiation, coronavirus vaccine, hormone therapy and stress.  Which is the most debilitating?  Maybe one by itself wouldn't be so bad, but added together and it is kicking my butt.  However, lets go one at a time.

First: Radiation - If anyone who has done the 6 1/2 week radiation treatment cycle says its bad, they typically are talking about the daily trip there and back.  That truly is the worst part of the treatment itself. There are however, the side effects.  Depending on the type of cancer, those side effects can vary.  Most everyone experiences some level of fatigue.  The fatigue may be the result of the 6 1/2 weeks of preparing, going, doing, returning on their Monday thru Friday schedule.  Regardless of the cause, there is a level of fatigue that creeps in.  The other side effects are really dependent upon where the radiation is being targeted.  In my case, the beam is very close to gastrointestinal areas.  With that in mind, my main side effects have been bloating, diarrhea, increased urgency to urinate and blood in both urine and stools.  All very normal per my care team and expected, albeit unpleasant, side effects.  Last radiation treatment as of now is scheduled for March 29.

Second: Hormone therapy - The name is quite misleading as the injections are not a therapy at all, but rather a hormone blocker.  Specifically testosterone.  Side effect - decreased muscle mass, weight gain especially in the mid-section, and fatigue.  There are some others, but I won't go into those in an effort to not get too personal.

Coronavirus vaccine:  Or lack there of.  Steve got his vaccination along with all our siblings since they are all older.  I however have never wished to be older in all my life, but alas, as of this typing, I'm only 63 years old.  Next month I will be 64, but that still doesn't get me vaccinated any quicker.  The only bright spot is that the Governor has indicated that effective March 17, I will be eligible since I have cancer (a co-morbity).  Needless to say, I will be on the phone all day on March 17.

Stress:  All the above, brimming over, ready to melt down on some days.  My blood pressure issue has never been worse.  My PCP has changed my blood pressure medications 3 times since December.  Each Monday after radiation treatment I see my radiation care team (Doctor, Nurse Practitioner, Nurse) which means that vitals are taken.  They clearly are concerned each time they take my blood pressure - even though masked the eyebrows usually go up - and many times they re-take it after telling me to relax.  That statement always makes me laugh inside a little.  I'm at the Duke Cancer Center receiving radiation treatment for cancer, I'm unable to qualify for a vaccine due to being 63 years old, regardless of health, each day I am in a waiting room (a large waiting room where everyone is socially distant, but still) with many people that I have no idea who they are or how they conduct their lives outside of that room, my blood pressure is sky rocketing, and I'm getting fat!  Sure, I'll just relax.

Not that I'm counting but I have 10 more treatments as of this writing.

Radiation Begins Feb. 11th

 Since meeting Joe Lupton, February 11th has had a special meeting - his birthday.  Of course, his death did not make that date seem any less important but has been an even more special day as all that loved him continue to have a day to celebrate him.   This year, 2/11/2021, has tripled in it's importance.   This year, Steve will get his 2nd COVID-19 vaccination on February 11th.  This year, I will start my six (6) weeks of radiation on February 11th.   

Hopefully for years to come, I will celebrate February 11th as the day that Joe Lupton was born, the day that Steve was safer from the virus, and the day that I hopefully began my cancer recurrence cure.

Fingers crossed.  Prayers being said.

Day 280: Vaccines, Electoral College & Christmas

 Here I sit on December 15th watching the news surrounded by all our Christmas decor.  Like everyone else, this is going to be a very different Christmas.  Per our usual Christmas schedule, this was supposed to be a Ohio Christmas with us traveling there to visit with the Zetts family and the Wilder family.  Well that's not happening obviously.   This year it will all be virtual but that will allow us to also have a visit with the Holland family, albeit on a computer screen.  My sister has already planned the iPad placement for the easiest viewing of Hayden opening her gifts.  Clearly that is what is most important for this holiday.

Yesterday was a day filled with lots of TV coverage of the first Covid vaccinations and the day long coverage of the Electoral College.  While normally it would have been quite boring, this year, given the cheeto's tactics, it became must see TV.

This week is also one of a plethora of doctors visits.  Monday was Steve's yearly eye appointment.  Today was a dentist appointment for Steve for a tooth extraction.  Tomorrow is an appointment for me at the Duke Cancer Center with my oncologist to discuss hormone therapy before beginning radiation (later in 2021) and then tomorrow I have a dentist appointment for a cleaning.   Given the state of Covid, it will be a test of nerves.  If we can just get to Friday, then all should be good until we coast into 2021.   

Clearly I have been absent for awhile, 230 days to be exact.  What have I been doing?...TikTok mostly.  OBSESSED with TikTok.  Other than that its a lot of TV, walking in the neighborhood and alcohol!  There has also been a lot of food.  The ever expanding waste line is a testament to that.  But Steve and I have each other and that is something that I am thankful for each and everyday.  There is not one else I would rather be in quarantine with.

Have a safe and great holiday season!

Day 50 - "A Secret Love"

So here we are in day 50 of our quarantine due to COVID-19 and not much has changed really.  I do find myself being more and more reflective on my life, both past and present.  Last night we watched the Netflix documentary "A Secret Love".  It's a beautiful story of a lesbian couple who after being together for more than 65 years, finally told their families that they were a couple.  Of course there were varied reactions to the news, but they move forward and the story ends after their 72nd year together.  I won't spoil any of the finer details so you can watch for yourself if you haven't already.  I do recommend.  However, there was one aspect of the story that resonated so much with me and did give me pause.  During the story, there is one family member (a niece of one of the ladies) that while presenting herself as loving the other "auntie" very much, clearly did not feel genuine love for her at all and came across, to me, as being very resentful.  Basically I felt she was pretending, and had been for a very long time.  That struck home for me.

Since as far back as I can remember, I have always felt that I had a very good intuition when it came to people I met and how real or genuine they were being with me.  I know that many people believe that they can read a persons true intent very well, and I don't doubt they can, but I know that I am pretty good at it.  It has never failed me.  Whether it was in a close personal relationship or in a business situation, I have been pretty adept at knowing when someone was either pretending or wasn't telling me something that was going on.  You know that sense that something isn't quite right.  I've had it happen in business when a supervisor was about to reprimand or discuss something done erroneously and I've had it happen in a personal relationship when the other individual hasn't been honest.  I just know.  I've also had the feeling when people were pretending or not being genuinely honest with me.

In my relationship with Joe, it was an ongoing thing with his family.  His mother, sister and cousins in particular.  His mother and sister were always against our relationship, the whole going to hell thing due to their "faith".  But even so, they would be nice to me to my face, while the whole time raking me over the coals behind my back.  This wasn't news.  When Joe died, I sat down with both of them and asked if we could just let the past be the past and move forward as a family.  They both agreed.  I think his sister has indeed held true to her commitment to do that and we have not had a harsh word nor has their been any outward display that would make me believe otherwise.  Disclaimer there though:  The is not much interaction between us other than text messages and an occasional phone call.  His mom however continued her ways and would smile to my face, say loving things, all the while being her usual manipulative self behind my back.  That relationship came to an abrupt end in August 2016.  3 years and 8 months after Joe died.  There has been no contact by me since then although she did continue to try to reach me by phone for a year after but I would not answer the phone and have never listened to the messages she left on my phone.  The Lupton cousins however were a different matter.  No matter how much they smiled at me during our 15 years together, I never believed it or trusted them.  Joe always said I was imagining it.  Last time I heard from them was the day of his memorial service.  Yep, dropped like a hot potato.  ***Disclaimer: One cousin, the daughter of one of his first cousins, did remain in touch***

But that brings me back to my point of always seeming to sense when someone is pretending.  It hasn't failed me yet and although I'm older, most of my senses are still with me.  Steve and I have been together for 5 years now.  He is my world and I truly believe I am his.  There is no hesitation in saying we are madly in love.  That is not what I question.  The issue as in the past, are with some of those familial relationships of his and how I perceive their reaction to me.  Again, everyone smiles, everyone says the right things, but I can't help but feel like there are a few pretenders in the bunch.  I will not name names, but there are some folks there with two faces.

This crap is what inundated my mind last night after watching the film.  Not the beautiful love story but the pretense and hypocrisy that it reminded me of my own life experience.  Sigh.  Isn't quarantine lovely?

Day 35 - Stimulus check

Yes, the stimulus money was deposited today.  Yay.  Helps offset my leaving work a month early.  Not feeling quite as guilty over that.

I also got a few Easter photos from Phyllis & Sara of Hayden on Easter Sunday.  Last year we were there for the Easter Egg hunt where she had to be carried all over the place.  This year she did it on her own, once she understood what was expected, and I am incredibly sorry that we could not be there due to COVID-19. 

The photos and the video that was sent will just have to do, but of course, it's not the same as being there.  Hopefully next year.  But that brings up all kinds of other questions.  Will it be ok to travel during the holidays in the late fall/winter?  Yes, I know that is a LONG way off, but let's be real.  It's not like this virus is just going to magically disappear.  Before that is Hayden's 2nd birthday. That's the end of June.  Will we be able to be there?  CJ & Maria are supposed to come see us the 2nd week of July.  Is that going to be safe?  What about Thanksgiving?  This is supposed to be an Ohio year for Christmas.  That means having to stay in a hotel.  Not sure how I feel about that prospect.  

Ok, I'm getting carried away.  I need to not focus that far ahead, right?  Let's get through April and find out when the Stay at Home orders are lifted...not that the actual order will matter much to me. I'm still keeping my distance, wearing my masks until there is definitive PROOF that it's safe and the coronavirus is a thing of the past.

DAY 28

Day 28 of social distancing/ stay at home.

Yes, the nerves are starting to be just a little frayed, the patience that I lack even on good days is becoming practically nonexistent and it isn't taking much for me to lapse into a mood.  But I'm sure I'm not the only one.

The daily routine, while not "awful", isn't exactly thrilling either.  The introvert that I am married to is loving it however.  Wake up, drink coffee (Steve eats breakfast, I am not a breakfast eater), go for a 2 mile walk in the neighborhood, eat brunch, watch TV - usually the noon newscast, scour Facebook for anything interesting - I'm now including Instagram during that time - branching out!, make lunch, nap, work in the yard, make dinner, take a 1 mile walk through neighborhood, drink alcohol, watch TV, go to bed.  Wash/rinse/repeat cycle.  The excitement is contagious huh?

So how to mix it up, make it more interesting?  I see online how people are doing all kinds of home projects, cleaning the house top to bottom - spring cleaning I suppose but until the pollen count drops dramatically there will be no cleaning here.  The one positive I can say about COVID-19 is that I don't get the strange looks when I am outside working in the yard with a face mask on that I used to get.  Historically during pollen season, anytime I am outside I wear a face mask so that my day doesn't get ruined just by planting a flower or watering the lawn.  Now, no one gives me a second glance as most everyone that walks/drives by is wearing as well.  See, I'm not always "debbie downer"!   I did manage to get 4 new flowers in the ground last weekend.  Not sure why the "weekend" still seems to be the time to do that as there really is no difference in the days, but it feels like the time to do it.  We do have many exterior projects that we want to get done but just getting the materials to do them is the biggest problem right now.  Has anyone been to Lowe's recently?  It's insane there.  Even though the stores are taking steps to keep people apart, parents seem to INSIST on bringing all the kiddies to do the shopping.  They are all over the place and clearly don't get it...nor do the parents as if they did, the kids would either be in the car or still at home.  Come on people, getting supplies does NOT have to be a family affair.

Here in the neighborhood some residents are starting to get a little testy as well.  The normally positive vibe that permeates Creekside is showing some signs of cracking.  Daily there are complaints on our neighborhood Facebook page about residents and their dogs (not the dogs themselves, but the neighbors who seem incapable of picking up after their animals and leaving "gifts" in others lawns, driveways and sidewalks), about how crowded the mail kiosk is and that given the close proximity of our mail boxes, that isn't the place to socialize (and it doesn't take the whole family to get the mail), and then there are the pickle ball players and their constant complaining about the Durham City/County orders to not play any sport that "shares" equipment i.e. tennis balls.  Go ahead and play folks, just play your pickle ball and die.  You're annoying anyway.  Harsh?...yeah, I should probably just delete that.

COVID-19 - I'm waiting for your answer.

Well this was certainly unexpected!  No, not the virus, everyone but the cheeto in the White House saw this coming, I meant what was unexpected is that I am back writing on my blog.  The original reason for the blog was to let a large group of people know in as easy a way as possible, all that was going on with Joe and myself after Joe's pancreatic cancer diagnosis.  Then it segued into also being a way for me to let out a lot of the feelings and stress that I was dealing with during his radiation and chemo treatments, subsequent surgery, unknown number of hospital stays and then during the time after his death.

Two years later "The Big C Not Middle C" morphed into more about my own cancer diagnosis, treatment and ultimately my surgery. (with a little bit of happy news thrown in there for good measure including my engagement, wedding and the building of our new home).  Then I said good-bye to the blog....but for some reason, kept the website subscription just in case there should ever be a time when I wanted to write, or vent, or a combination of the two.  Then lo' and behold, COVID-19.

What was supposed to be my May 1, 2020 retirement became my March 28, 2020 retirement after working from home since March 10th.  The story of leaving work earlier than anticipated, might at some point be interesting, but at the moment my former job is the last thing I think about.  Seriously, it is amazing how something that was so "front and center" for a HUGE part of my daily life, can instantly disappear from my consciousness.  Just goes to show how absolutely ready I was for my retirement.  But I digress.

So what about this virus, huh?  I know everyones life has been upended by it in some way.  Those having to continue to go to work at a physical location outside of their home probably haven't seen a big disruption - and I don't minimize how their lives have changed and the stresses of having to go out constantly must bring - but the part about just seeing the same four walls, day in and day out.  This is going to get completely maddening very soon.  Introverts are loving it - cue Steve - but I don't exactly fall into the introvert category and it can be very disconcerting to say the least.  It isn't exactly how I imagined retirement.  We have already canceled the first planned trip which was set for May 9-16.  Yes, I know, the "Stay at Home" order runs through April 30.  But really, who out there actually believes that in just under 4 weeks, it is going to be safe to start traveling?  If you do, can you please give me your reasoning or rationale or at the very least share the prescription for whatever drug you are on?  I have my own theories but then I have always fallen into the pessimistic side of the spectrum - more of a glass half empty kind of guy - and would honestly like to know when you think it will be "safe" to resume our normal way of life?  I don't mean when the cheeto says it's ok.  I mean when you think this virus will have run it's course enough that going to the grocery store without gloves and a mask will be ok...when getting on an airplane and being encapsulated with 100+ other humans with the air that everyone is breathing being recirculated for several hours will be ok....when shaking hands as a greeting or heaven forbid, giving a hug to the wonderful elderly lady at church will not risk her life??  When?   I'm waiting for your answer.  I have no where I have to be.

New Decade, New Adventure

I sat at work today as it was admittedly slower than normal and from out of nowhere, I thought about what my life was like in 2000.  We were starting a new century, a new decade, and I was just a couple of months into a new adventure in my life.  After quite a long debate, Joe and I had decided it was time for me to move to Durham with him.  I had delayed moving to Durham because it would mean quitting my job and there were no prospects on the horizon.  Therefore the decision was made, take ANY job that I could find that would put me gainfully employed, and move.  Once that I had that mindset, I received a job offer, and within 30 days the truck was loaded and me and the kitties headed to Durham permanently.  That was October 29, 1999.  Two months later the year 2000 was upon us.    
            

Those first few years were interesting in and of themselves with many adventures.  January 2000 saw the record snow in Durham of nearly 22 inches at one time.  I changed jobs one year after moving and my new job required some travel and on September 11, 2001 I was on an airplane, like many others, heading to a regional conference in DC when the planes hit the towers.  There were tense times for Joe and my family until they knew where my plane was.  On one fall morning in 2002, I heard a sound outside only to see cadaver sniffing dogs going from car to car parked at our townhouse building.  A quick phone call to Joe and we were looking for a new home that afternoon after he got out of school.  We closed on the new house in April 2003, starting yet another new adventure.  

The fall of 2003, I left my job, started real estate school and by the summer of 2004, was a full time Realtor®.  In the spring of 2007, Joe was counting down the days until his retirement in June. Once he retired, we were able to travel a little more and we hit timeshare after timeshare.  In October 2010, after spending a week at the beach with his mom, he returned home and I noticed how yellow his skin was.  Within 2 weeks we had his pancreatic cancer diagnosis and our lives took a very unexpected turn.  That experience forever changed me.  

In August 2011 we traveled to Glastonbury, CT and were married and then in January 2013, Joe died.  Most of the time from October 2010 to January 2013 is permanently seared into my brain.  I can recall almost every hospitalization, every chemo treatment, every scan, every appointment to hear results, every conversation with our oncology team.  However, the time from January 2013 to July 2015 is mostly just a blur.  Many aspects of my life during that time seem to have been filmed through a dark, cloudy lens.


July 2015 was when I got my prostate cancer diagnosis.  That was a fun day….not!  But just a couple of weeks later I met Steve.  That night the veil, the cloud, the smudged lens seemed to clear.  Yes, it was instantaneous.  I knew.  In March 2017 we were wed.  Since Joe and I had to go all the way to Connecticut to be married and had just 3 friends with us, I wanted a big wedding this time.  I got my wish.  200 guests later, surrounded by all our family and with friends from far and wide watching, Steve and I were married.  

In July 2017, my home in Durham went on the market for sale and closed in 29 days.  In August 2017, I had a radical prostatectomy to remove the cancer.  February 2018 saw Steve and I write an offer on a new construction home and in November 2018 we closed on that home.  Steve retired in July 2019 and has been learning how to live after working for 40+ years.  What turned out to be a very long and painful process of clearing out our home in Raleigh finally was completed and by August 2019 we were signing the closing documents on the sale of that home.


Here we are.  In our new home (quite beautiful by the way) and the next decade has appeared.  What does it hold?  Many new adventures.  Right now the most pressing would appear to be quite exciting, although somewhat scary.  I plan on retiring on May 1, 2020.  That will mean that I am leaving the workforce myself after 42 years of full-time employment.  Wow.  42 years.  Will I miss it?  Hmmmm, let me think….NO!

All things must come to an end...

...and so it shall be for this blog.  So much of myself was poured into this site.  First as a more effective way to communicate to friends and far flung family about Joe's cancer, his treatment, his progress or lack thereof, how I was coping, and all aspects of fighting pancreatic cancer from both the perspective of the patient and the caregiver.  This blog proved to be very cathartic in helping me verbalize all the emotions that swirled around inside me during that terrifying 2 1/2 years before Joe's death and then continued still for the years immediately following as I learned to cope with being a widower.  It was also there for me when I was diagnosed with prostate cancer and although my cancer was not the ultimate death sentence that Joe's pancreatic cancer was, it helped me most by allowing me to occasionally vent.  But the blog did its job both for me and for the readership.  It spread the word and gave me an outlet.

While my surgery was a success, I do still have to do followup testing to make sure the cancer hasn't returned, but thus far I'm good.  Next appointment in April.

But so much more has happened that I have rarely wrote about.  I sold mine & Joe's home.  I only wrote a couple of posts about my new relationship, the engagement, the wedding and subsequent honeymoon.  Since the last post early last year, we have built a house, closed on it, moved in and are preparing the old house for sale.  There hasn't been a single point of focus in my life other than my marriage and the building of the home.  Nothing that needed to be talked about to help.  That was what the blog was most about, helping me cope.  Most posts during Joe's illness were composed after midnight while he slept and I cried.  Most posts were typed with me sitting or lying next to him watching him breathe just in case it was his last.  Most posts had to be rewritten several times because sometimes I said too much.  Sharing is great, sharing too much is scary.

But I digress.  For now, I am going to close the blog.  Should events warrant, it could reappear.  However, for now, please wish me luck & love.  Remember Joe Lupton for the incredible man that he was.  Allow him to live in your memories and your hearts.  But most of all, smile whenever you do think of him as I am sure he is smiling down on each and everyone of us all the time.

I love you Joe.  I always will.  It will be a happy day when we are reunited.  I know you've been watching, but I have SO much to catch you up on.  In the meantime, give John a hug from Steve, tell him I am taking care of Steve and that when all 4 of us are together we will have some great stories to share.

Holiday Season 2017 Comes to an End

It was an incredibly fun holiday season this year.  We had laughs, a party, our health, lots of drinks and beautiful decorations!  Thank you to everyone who we encountered that made Thanksgiving, Christmas & New Years so much fun!