Saturday, August 29, 2015

Vacation Ramblings

Although I named this "Vacation Ramblings" it really has nothing to do with my vacation other than the vacation has given me lots of time for thinking and reminiscing.  The funny thing about reminiscing is that even though my life has been filled with lots and lots of incredibly wonderful times, it's the not so incredible ones that always seem to spring to the forefront of my brain.  I guess some would say that it's just my pessimistic outlook on life.  While that might be true as I don't argue with my somewhat dour perspective, I have had plenty of time as of late to contemplate so many things.

I know some may say it's because of my cancer diagnosis, however that would be incorrect.  While that is in my thought process, it's not the center.  I do think about it, but what I think about more are the other health issues that are going on with me.  The ones that aren't life threatening, but yet, are felt every hour of every day.  Those issues spend more time in my brain than the cancer.  But even more than my health, it's the memories that fill the vast emptiness that is my brain.  I was watching (actually just half listening) to a show on TV over the weekend and although my attention was on the game of Spider Solitaire that I was playing, all of a sudden I heard someone on TV say something to the effect of, "what is the point of life if you don't have something to look forward to?" (I'm paraphrasing).  Even though I wasn't paying attention to the show, it stopped me in my tracks.  The show continued, but I just sat there, thinking.  Now don't go getting alarmed or anything like that.  I'm not suicidal.  It just stuck with me and I started playing over my current life.  What do I have?  I have a job.  Although I like it, it's hardly a "reason to live".  I have a small family.  I love them, but I can't "live for them".  I have friends.  Again, I love them, but I don't see them all that often, so no reason there.  My life consists of sleeping, working and watching TV.  My former life consisted of so much more.  Yes, the center of that was Joe.  But he was a pretty darn good center.  He centered me.  He made me want to get up each day.  He made me happy.  Again, I know, you don't count on someone else for your happiness.  You make your own happiness.  That's what I did.  I made a life with and it was happy one.  That's where my focus needs to be.

So what do I do?  I can't pretend away the physical problems.  I can mask the aches/pains with medication, but then that's all I will do as I can't function very well.  So do I need to just suck it up and work through it?   Do I pretend that I'm fine being alone?  That's more sucking it up.   Or do I change everything?  That means lots of doctors visits.  The cancer?  I either radiate it, slam it with chemicals or cut it out.  At this point, any of the options are ok.  They don't scare me.  They don't worry me (much).  What worries me is all the other crap.  All the other aches, ringing and pains.  No one told me as a kid that just getting older brought all these aches & pains.  Arghhhhhhh

And then there is the real cruz of the matter.  The being alone.  If you hurt and there's someone there to rub your shoulders it helps.  If you're sad and there's someone there to put their arm around you, it helps.  If you're emotional and there is someone there to listen, it's awesome.  I can't "do" anything about the health woes other than make a decision based upon the doctors advice.  What I can "do" is follow my heart when it leads me to someone who is kind, gentle, funny, and loving.  Truly open myself up to the possibility.  I think I might have just done that.

Friday, August 14, 2015

Delayed MRI

A little stumble along the way to getting my MRI done.  After more discussion with Dr. Zhang and the urologist at Duke we have decided to delay the MRI by 4 weeks.  Not that there is a problem, however since the biopsies there has been blood in the prostate (a very typical response to the biopsy procedure - you can Google it, I did).  Because of the blood, the doctors were concerned that the MRI picture would not be clear.  No need to do an MRI if going into it they know there will be an issue.  Not to mention, insurance will NOT cover 2 MRI's in a short period of time and I don't want to add that expense.  (check pricing folks if you don't have an idea of what they cost)  Therefore, we have moved my scheduled MRI from August 24th to September 29th.  That should be plenty of time for the blood to be gone.  Just a minor glitch in the plan, but otherwise moving forward.  On the plus side, that that means that my cancelled vacation plans for the week of August 24th are now BACK ON!  WooHoo!!!!!!

I'm still feeling fine from all of this with the exception of this dang ringing in the ears from tinnitus.  That is more disconcerting at this point that the cancer.  At least with the cancer there are treatment options.  This ringing is just grin & bare it!  Oh well, we all have our trials and tribulations.  My shoulders are broad enough to carry it.

Thank you for all the words of support & encouragement.  Your well wishes are greatly appreciated.

Wednesday, August 5, 2015

Duke Cancer Center 1st Visit - Reboot

I had my appointment with Dr. Zhang at the Duke Cancer Center yesterday and it was very informative.  I got lots of information on treatment options, other than surgery and also made an appointment to have an MRI.  Reason, when my urologist did the physical exam, he noted there was a nodule on the right hand side of the prostate however, the biopsy that came back positive for cancer was on the left side.  This inconsistency needs to be clarified and the best way to do that is to get a better picture, literally, with an MRI.  Should there be something that shows up on the MRI that looks "sketchy", then we will have another biopsy but this time MRI guided in the area(s) in question.  Seem logical?  It did (does) to me.  Therefore in a couple of weeks I will have the MRI and then a follow up appointment with Dr. Zhang.  All in all, it was a very productive day.

The Duke Cancer Center hasn't changed much at all.  The systems & procedures still appear to be the same except for the little "due to HIPAA regulations" signs that make you stand back from the check in desk.  Didn't have those back in 2012.  Otherwise, same buzzers, same departments in same locations, same food court & cafe in same locations.  Spent the better part of the afternoon there and I didn't even go over to the hospital and have the chicken fingers!  Did I show restraint or what????

Right now the more pressing issue, at least with what is bothering me is the tinnitus.  It is driving me crazy.  If this ringing gets much louder I won't be able to hear myself think!  ARGH!!!

Thank you for the prayers, well wishes and comments of support.  They are much appreciated and I am so very grateful.

Monday, August 3, 2015

I got lucky

I heard from the new patient coordinator at Duke this morning at 8:40am.  I have a noon appointment with the oncologist, Dr. Zhang tomorrow (8/4/2015).  Obviously I am pleased as punch that I was able to get in so quickly.  I also spoke to my urologist this morning, Dr. Huang, so my records at Triangle Urology will be sent over to the Cancer Center so that Dr. Zhang can review.

Forward movement...that's what it's all about right now.

Thank you for the outpouring of well wishes, prayers and voices of support.

Peace-

Jeff

Saturday, August 1, 2015

Prostatic Adenocarcinoma

And the beat goes on.  I was up until 2am researching…well sort of.  Basically I was reading and getting more and more anxious about the decisions I need to make.  However, I did finally make a request of my urologist to refer me to an oncologist at the Duke Cancer Center to at least get more information on alternatives other than surgery (that was at 1:30am).   Not that I’ve made a decision to pursue another option, but I do want to make sure I have explored all information I can get before the decision is made.  Of course, I’m sure I won’t hear anything from my urologist until the first of the week with regard to this, and even then it will probably be days, if not a couple of weeks before I could get in to see the oncologist.  Even so, it’s forward progress, at least in my mind.

At my appointment last Thursday, we went ahead and made a 3 month appointment for another PSA, DRE and possible ultrasound (automatically in the “active surveillance” mode), so any information I can ascertain prior to that would be a plus.  That isn’t to say that between now and then I won’t make the decision to go ahead and have the surgery, which is a real possibility.  I’ve talked to family and friends about the information I got from my urologist and the prevailing opinion is that I go ahead and have the surgery.  The thought of the surgery isn’t pleasant, however it’s not the actual surgery that has me hesitating, it’s the after effects of the surgery that give me pause.  Am I rambling?  I think I am.

Anywho, I am going to be in a holding pattern until I hear back from my urologist or Duke.  Maybe I’ll get lucky and this will be done quickly (because we all know I am a really lucky person….please note the tone of extreme sarcasm in that).  I’m scared, I’m anxious, I’m nervous, I’m spending way too much time in my own head!

Thank you for the outpouring of notes of concern, optimism, prayers and support.  It means so much and is very helpful knowing so many people are “in my corner”.

Peace-

Jeff

10:37am P.S. - and just like that, after maybe "overstepping" what is proper protocol, I will be hearing from a patient coordinator at Duke the first of the week.  Sometimes it pays to know someone there who is an awesome, awesome doctor and person!  Thank you Yousuf.

Vaccination date set

 This morning at 8 a.m. we began the process of trying to get an appointment date.  I had 3 appointments at the Duke Cancer Center so I was ...