Thursday, October 31, 2013

See ya, wouldn't want to be ya!

Have you ever had one of those moments when something happens or something is said and all of a sudden you realize you've been living in an apparent delusional bubble?  You know the saying, "ignorance is bliss".....well it's only bliss as long as you stay ignorant.  As soon as that little bit of knowledge creeps in, or as soon as a little light is let into the dark space, the bubble bursts and your eyes are opened and reality SLAPS you in the face.  Hard!  That delusional bubble life, that blissful ignorant life, that was mine, apparently.  Until this evening.  I'm not going to go into specifics as that would only cause more hurt feelings.  I've done that enough in my life, no need to do that anymore.  I do need to take off the veil that has apparently been over my eyes and accept that which will never change.  That which will never be.  Those that can never and will never be honest and who/what they profess to be.  Open my eyes and move along.  Stop trying.  Lost cause.  Arrivederci.  Sayonara.  See ya, wouldn't want to be ya!  If only it was that easy to do.

What is the Reinhold Niebhur Serenity Prayer;  "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference".
I need that to become my new mantra.  If only people were like "things".  If people were forthright, upfront with you, honest and true.  Stop the pretense.  It inevitably catches up with you.  Don't say one thing to someone's face and something else behind their backs.  Being nice to their face can be cruel if deep down you don't mean or believe what you are saying.

I was re-reading a letter tonight that Joe wrote in 2012.  Who it was to and the overall content is not important right now.  But there were two sentences in the letter that resonated with me tonight. Joe wrote: "People know when you truly mean what you say. People also can read the subtext of what is not said."  My Joe really was an incredibly intelligent man.  Most of us tended to pay most attention to his amazing musical talents and his off-beat humor.  However, he had an amazing intellect and a mind like a steel trap.  If he read it, saw it, heard it, then he remembered it.  A wonderful gift.  I reread the letter several times tonight and I kept coming back to those two lines.  When he wrote those two lines, he was referring to me.  I am the "people" he was referring to.  At least I was before he died.  Maybe since then I've been grieving and not paying attention.  Maybe I've been just pretending not to notice and using that as a means of avoidance.  Maybe I just simply preferred for the time being to give the benefit of the doubt.  But there is no doubt.  I know.  Joe knew.  Some people will not ever change.  So I guess I just have to ask myself, "can I live with it or am I better off living without them?"  That ladies and gentlemen is the $64,000 question tonight.  The answer, I'll have to sleep on it.  Maybe for a few nights.

Sunday is All Saints Day and my Joe will be on the list at PGUMC.  I had already accepted that I would be sad Sunday, but now I have such a heavy, disappointed heart that I need not wait for Sunday.  Joe Lupton, in my eyes your are a Saint.  Our love and life together was something I never dreamed I would experience.  I am so thankful for our 14+ years together.  I love you as much today as the day we said our vows in Connecticut and not a day goes by that I don't think of you, miss you, shed a tear for you.  If only we had had more time, but oh boy didn't we make the most of what we had!  I luvish you and I will see you in my dreams.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Diverticulitis, BRAT, and McDonalds

So it has been another couple of weeks since my last post.  So much and yet nothing has happened.  First, I finished my 2000 mg of antibiotics per day for the prescribed 10 days and the pain remained.  I had another doctors appointment and he sent me for a full abdominal and pelvic CT scan.  In typical Dr.K fashion, he got me the results pronto so I didn't have to wait and wait.  The results were good however.  No masses, no obstructions.  I just needed to be more patient with waiting for the pain to go away.  Slowly but surely it has lessened and it is reasonably tolerable now.  The positive from this was that being on the BRAT diet for two weeks pushed me below my goal weight!  However, I didn't immediately get the McDonalds French fries I had promised myself.  I had to wait an extra week before indulging....and they were good.  On a negative note though, not being able to go to the Y during this time has now allowed me to put 3 pounds back on. I have been able to hit the treadmill a couple of evenings this week, but only walking, no running.  Right now I am comfortable laying down and standing.  Sitting is still uncomfortable.  But even that is better now than this time last week.

Saturday we will be having a Holland & Lupton family get together in Greenville at Joe's mother's house.  Just a little afternoon get together for lunch and conversation. Phyllis, Aimee & Sara are coming from Hope Mills and of course Bettie's family will be there at her mothers.  I'm looking forward to it (except for the driving there and back - that's 3+ hours sitting...not my favorite thing right now).

Sunday will be church in the morning, a couple of hours of the envisioning team in the afternoon and then Homeland that night.  Love that show.

Enough rambling.  Time for a little TV, read a couple of chapters in my book and then to sleep.  I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.  

Peace.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

It Seems Like Such A Long Time

It seems like it has been such a long time since I posted but it's actually only been two weeks.  However, a lot has happened in the last few weeks.  First I sliced open my thumb and had to have stitches; then at bowling a couple of weeks ago in mid swing I pinched a nerve in my back and howled in pain; I've had a stiff neck for two weeks; then last Saturday morning I ended up at Duke with diverticulitis.  Man oh man, some weeks it just doesn't pay to get out of bed!  Throw into the mix my sister having health issues (cause yet to be determined) and my brother-in-law having back surgery last week and the Holland part of my family has not had a run of good luck as of late.  I'm on day 5 of my two antibiotics, I haven't been able to workout since Tuesday of last week, and I hurt hurt hurt.  I know I don't have the right to ask for preferential treatment, but come on,...Big Guy, can I PLEASE catch a break??

I have a doctors appointment tomorrow morning at 8:30am (previously scheduled follow up for blood work from my May physical) and poor Dr. K isn't going to know what is going on.  I was actually looking forward to the appointment to show off my weight loss, but now I just want him to give me some reassurance that the drugs they gave me at Duke are going to do the trick.  I was hopeful the pain would have subsided more by now.  I guess there isn't a miracle instant cure!  If I could just have a few days without neck, thumb, hip, back, stomach pain.

Otherwise..haha, things are okay.  I've still felt a little down over the last couple of weeks, but hopefully that has a lot to do with everything just going wrong physically.  Getting old sucks.

I had a great time as Harper's guest at her birthday dinner last week (Thank you Harper), but was bummed I couldn't attend the 5th Sunday social after church at PGUMC last weekend.  Since I couldn't sit up for more than 5 minutes at a time, I didn't think laying on the floor or on a table in the fellowship hall would be conducive to enjoying a meal...or possibly distracting to others.  I pray that by this weekend, things will be more normalized.  Keep your fingers crossed for me that the doctor doesn't find anything else wrong tomorrow.  I'm beginning to feel like a train wreck...one that just keeps piling up more and more casualties.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend coming up.  My sister and brother in law will be back up Sunday in preparation for a follow up visit with his surgeon on Monday.  Company...YAY!!!   Thank you for all the continued support.  I am truly blessed, even if I am falling apart.

Vaccination date set

 This morning at 8 a.m. we began the process of trying to get an appointment date.  I had 3 appointments at the Duke Cancer Center so I was ...