Sunday, June 23, 2013

NO MATTER WHAT

No matter what they tell us 
No matter what they do 
No matter what they teach us 
What we believe is true 
No matter what they call us 
However they attack 
No matter where they take us 
We'll find our own way back 
I can't deny what I believe 
I can't be what I'm not 
I know I'll love Joe forever 
I know no matter what 
If only tears were laughter
If only night was day 
If only prayers were answered 
Then we would hear God say 
And I will keep you safe and strong 
And shelter from the storm 
No matter where it's barren 
A dream is being born 
No matter who they follow 
No matter where they lead 
No matter how they judge us 
I'll be everyone you need 
No matter if the sun don't shine 
Or if the skies are blue 
No matter what the end is 
My life began with you 
I can't deny what I believe 
I can't be what I'm not 
I know this love's forever 
That's all that matters now 
I know no matter what

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Oh What A Difference A Day Makes

I should probably just take the previous post down.  The one with the video where I feel good, I'm smiling, talking about my busy weekend.  It only took about 15 minutes today for everything on my video from last night to fall apart.  Today turned into being much more wide open than I thought and I'm not sure if tomorrow will be anything more than going to the 3pm concert.  I definitely will not be at church.  I also feel like all the progress I've made the last 5 1/2 months has just fallen to the wayside.  Have spent 3 hours talking with my wonderful minister, (bless his heart for being able to listen to me for 3 hours, he's a good man) after sitting in the church parking lot for an hour and a half and then another 30 minutes in the church sitting at the piano and looking at the organ.  Both places Joe should be sitting.  In my head and heart I am right back where I was the week after Joe's death.  Silly that something very small can have such an impact on me that I just want to crawl under the bed and hide.  However I can't do that.  All I can do is sit here.

Friday, June 21, 2013

Another Friday Night and a Busy Weekend Ahead

It's been a good week with three trips to the YMCA, a therapy session and work hasn't been a pain.   But I'm really not much in the mood to type so I decided on a video instead.  Short and sweet!


Thank you to everyone who continues to reach out to me.  Love and appreciation to all of you.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

SLOW

Slow is the word of the week.  More precisely, slow motion.  That's what the last week has been like.  Everything is moving much slower than it should.  The work day seems longer, the evenings at home seem longer and time moves slower.  The only time that moves quickly is when I'm asleep.  Can't get enough of that.  It's 8:00 pm now and I'm fighting to not go on to bed.  Last night it was 7:00 pm when I went up to bed.  Saving grace, I found a new TV series to watch on Netflix.   I know that is just sad that a streaming TV series is a "saving grace", but it fills some time.

Last week I was still on a high from Relay but after more than a week that has worn off.  Even my therapist said I just looked different last week.  Wonder what she would say if she saw me this week?  And then there was my PGUMC surprise this week.  Thanks Lucinda.  

Went to the movies last weekend and hope to catch one (at least) this weekend. Plus joining the Y, so hopefully a few rounds on the treadmill, recumbent bike and a lot of sweat in the steam room.  Detox the body and maybe free the mind up for better thoughts.  The Lakewood Y is a great facility and it will help fill some time as well.  Maybe the slow pace will pick up some.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

The Week After Relay

After a really tiring first part of the weekend due to Relay for Life, and an attempt at a recuperative latter part of the weekend, the work week started off in typical fashion.   Although the week itself has been rather typical, my mindset has not.  As I said in the post about the Relay, it was much more emotional than I had expected.  Now don't get me wrong, I had no illusions of it not being filled with emotion, I just didn't anticipate the level that I was effected.  Or is that affected?  I can never remember which is which, or which is appropriate.

Saturday I was still trying to catch up on sleep, but in my awake time, my mind was overwhelmed with thoughts of Joe and of the events the night before.  Sunday brought a lovely sermon at church followed by my usual McDonalds breakfast (some traditions continue no matter what!) and an early day home.  I was still quite tired and was very tempted to spend the afternoon on the couch napping, but I knew that would probably do more harm than good by keeping me from getting into my normal sleep pattern.  So I was a very good boy, took no afternoon nap and was able to turn in reasonably early after doing laundry and getting two baskets of clothes folded and put away.  YAY for me!  I had been using one clothes basket all week since my drawers were empty.  But Sunday, I folded everything!  However, all day, I had the night of the Relay playing over in my head and also was flooded with memories of Joe.  So of course, tears were shed.  But also big smiles.

So far all week, thoughts and memories of Joe have been consistently present.  Particularly, I've been thinking about him playing the organ at church.  Over the past few years, I've posted several videos of him either rehearsing or morning preludes at PGUMC on Youtube.  Mostly I would record before the 8:30 a.m. service started and then would post during the service (no disrespect to Jay as I would then be at the 11 a.m. service and pay attention).  I had forgotten some of the ones that I had posted and came across one from last year from just before Halloween when he was at the church on the Saturday before practicing.  I was standing out at the front of the pulpit area by the lectern with my iPad just recording him practice.  I vaguely remember being there but didn't have a specific memory of that particular rehearsal.  So I watched the video and listened to him playing the very gothic sounding music (Joe always pulled out the same piece at Halloween time for his postlude).  When he finished playing the piece, he stopped, looked up at me and waved.  That was when my heart just burst.  That wave has been in my head for the past three days.  I just keep seeing it, smiling at his childlike innocence in the expression on his face as he waves at me.  

I found several other videos that I didn't remember and some others that I remember quite well.  But it just keeps coming back to that wave.  He used to wave at me all the time for no reason.  If I was in the family room and he was in the kitchen, he'd randomly wave at me.  When we would do Facetime he would always end with a wave to me.  A silly little habit, but one I had not thought about in some time until I watched the video.  I suppose as time goes on, I will remember other little, mostly insignificant things that I haven't thought about and will attach importance to them like I now have that little wave.  I have the photo of him at the beach that I had at his memorial service and also at the Relay for Life with him wearing that terrible hat he always wore at the beach sitting upstairs in our room on the dresser, waving at me every night and morning.  Such has been my week.  I have cried no more than usual, but I have smiled a lot.  I have smiled when I think about the 14 years, 3 months and 18 days we had together; I have smiled when I think about the silliness that was Joe; I have smiled when I think of all the people that turned out for Relay; I have smiled when I think of how tired I was and how much my legs, back and feet hurt afterwards: I have smiled when I think of all of our TEAM - we worked together to get everything set up, we worked together to keep someone on the track at all times, we worked together out of love for those we have lost and those that are still in the fight.  I'm excited about next year.  I'm excited and smiling about urging more people from PGUMC to come out for a short while or for a long time.  If you come out, you will not be sorry.  You will feel the energy, feel the love, feel the loss, feel the positive attitudes.  I wish I could capture it in a bottle and sell it.  I would beat that Renee woman for sure!  Speaking of which, she has made me smile every time I think of her and how she approached me and Challie.  

No matter the tears, no matter the sadness, I remember every single minute from the time I arrived until the time I left with a smile and joy in my heart.  Thank you Caroline for making it happen.  Thank you to my donors for urging me on and helping me financially with my efforts.  Thank you to all my team mates for being there for me and for one another.  Each of you inspire me.
                                                        

Saturday, June 1, 2013

Relay for Life 2013 is in the books!

I thought I would be asleep by now, but so far it is eluding me.  I think it is a combination of emotions and exhaustion.  I haven't resorted to a sleeping pill yet, but it's looking like an inevitability.
However, while I'm still conscious, I'll make a little report on last night and this mornings Relay for Life.  Not the fundraising, but the event itself. 

I knew it would have emotional times, I knew considering who was on our team, there would be plenty of laughs too.  I was right on both counts but underestimated both as well.  Arriving just after 5pm, I helped with some of the set up, mostly blowing up balloons and hanging chains.  By 6:30, when it was time for the opening ceremony, Team Pleasant Grove UMC was in full effect.  We had a huge turnout of folks to walk and to visit with.  At 6:30 they called for everyone to stop what they were doing and come to the infield stage for the opening ceremony.  Brief introductions, a couple of short speeches and then our Emcee, Kelcey Carlson opened the Relay.  All was good until she saw me in the crowd and that was when the first tears flowed.  I guess my height and standing dead center of the crowd made me an easy target to see and just as she mentioned losing Joe this year, she saw me.  Start the waterworks!

The first lap was for cancer survivors and Paxton was front and center leading the charge.  The second lap was for survivors and caregivers which meant it was my turn.  Start the waterworks.  After that everyone began walking and talking and the Relay was in full force.  I don't know how many laps I did to start off but eventually, I came back to our tents and sat and visited for awhile.  Then after a short rest I went to walking again but this time looking at the names on the luminaria which would be lit later in the evening.  It was only a few steps from our tent that I encountered the first one with my Joe's name on it.  Another 30 feet or so and there was another, and then another, and yet another.  I counted five.  Also as I made that slow lap, I saw a number of ones with Paxton Phelps name and Joel Winters name.  All told there must have been 15 or so in honor of or in memory of people from Team PGUMC.  As 10:00 neared, Jay and I walked over to where one of the ones with Joe's name was on it.  Start the waterworks.  Just after snapping a couple of photos, they turned all the lights out for the luminaria ceremony.  Jay and I made our way to the crowd in front of the stage where after a short speech, they had a slide show with the names of everyone for whom there was a luminaria.  The list was in alphabetical order by first name.  The first set of names were for those in memory of.  So I knew when Joe's name was coming up.  When it did, with Joel's name right next to it, cue the waterworks.  After that part of the slide show was the "in honor of" portion, and there was Paxton's name...cue more waterworks.  Once the slide show was over, everyone joined in a silent walk around the track with only the luminaria to light the way.  I was doing good until I got to the gold one with Joe's name on it.  I had to stop and have a little meltdown at that point.  Within moments a complete stranger was there with her arm around me.  Such is Relay for Life.  After gathering a little composure, I slowly made my way around the rest of the track.

Once the lights were back on, we continued to walk and talk and visit with booths throughout the night.  A big shout out to our team however:  I think we were the only ones that truly kept the relay going.  At no time was there not someone from our team on the track walking.  Not until 8am this morning did we stop.  A special nod to the all-nighters:  Danny Sullivan, Challie Sullivan, Drew Sullivan, Caroline Winters, Leslie Schriener, and me.  We had many others who stayed late into the night and others who were there very early this morning.  A big THANK YOU to each of you.

At 8am was the closing ceremony where the small percentage of persons from last night were in attendance.  Most had already closed up and gone home.  Our team was a hearty one though and we still had a full contingent.  I knew there would be a final lap after the closing speeches but I also knew I was bone tired and so before we were called to the stage, I took my last lap in solitary mode.  Start the waterworks.  After the speeches were done and those left started their last lap, I found myself standing there with Kaitlan Phelps and in need of a good-bye.  As Kaitlan and I hugged, we both gave way to the emotions and held on to each other tightly.  She cared very deeply for Joe and knows the pain I am in.  She is still in the process of a road that I traveled very recently and have a certain understanding.  I gave her the same advice that everyone gave me (but I almost never took...and she probably won't either)...be selfish sometime, take time for yourself, be good to yourself, take care of yourself.  I know the words are easy to say, and I know how hard they are to actually do.  After our tearful goodbye, I walked back to my car in the parking lot, crying the whole way and upon reaching the car, sat there for a few minutes until my vision was not so blurred.  The drive home seemed so long...and that feeling of being alone has overwhelmed me.  As I type this I can see Joe's photo over the laptop screen and I still am crying.

I knew the whole event would be emotional, but I underestimated it's impact.  I had a wonderful time talking with everyone, laughing many, many times, but when all is said and done, I didn't think I would be sitting at home hours later, still awake and still crying.  Perhaps it is time for that pill. 

Before I go though, I need to acknowledge the tremendous amount of work and self that Caroline Winters put into our team.  I could not have done it.  I could not do the meetings, the planning, the business of getting the team together.  I applaud her and I thank her.  I'm proud to have had her as our Team Captain.   Here are just a few photos that I've put together in collage format so as not to take up so much space.  You will recognize many people and maybe when I wake up, I can caption the photos.   This was an amazing experience.  Unfortunately I have now been awake for 29 hours and the rambling is beginning.  Thank you to everyone who supported my fundraising efforts and those of all Team PGUMC members and every team at our event.  I'll share a funny, yet kind of scary story about being tracked down by the person who going into last night was in 3rd place behind me at another time.  I thought I was competitive, but she beats me hands down!
The photos are in no particular order.  The four above were this morning at around 7am as we were breaking down the tents.  Me, Challie and Caroline all took turns standing next to the balloon tent for photo ops.  And yes, in the one with me and Challie, I'm choking her.   After spending the entire night with her, I realize one more reason why Joe loved her so much.  She and I are soooo much alike!

Now I'm not saying that some people crapped out and slept, however, conspicuously absent from these photos is Drew (inside the sleep tent), and as you can see above, Caroline and Challie are equally as beautimous while sleeping.  The lower right hand corner is Paxton leading the charge during the first lap, the Survivors lap.

Not sure if Noel and Kevin Currin are butting heads or feel 2 heads are better than one, but the Sweet South cupcake sale/fundraiser at our tents was a huge success....not to mention delicious!  Early evening when everyone was milling around and having a good time, the lovely Sullivan women and Kaitlan during the balloon blowup and stringing as we set up.

The balloon and tent set up was some of the most fun of the evening.

The hourly event competitions throughout the night were some of the most hilarious, but also most annoying.  From costumes to hula-hoops to elephant snouts to bouncing balloons in very windy conditions.  Team PGUMC participated in them all.  But alas, we did not get the extra $500. 

The luminaria.  Although there were multiples of them for Joe, Paxton and Joel, I snapped a shot of each of the gold star ones and then Jay took a photo of me next to Joe's.  I really was trying to smile in the photo, but by that point I had already cried for a couple of hours and it was growing ever more difficult.   Those little bags with stars cut out and candles inside represent three different stories and three different types of cancer.  Paxton is doing well and we are all pulling for him and I am confident that in a few years, as I've said before, this will all be just a faded distant memory for him and he will go on being a regular, wonderful kid.  Having a regular, wonderful life.  But in the mean time, Joe Lupton and Joel Winters are there on either side of him, keeping the pressure on the powers that be, urging him on and watching from above.

Now as for the previously mentioned scary story.  During the night, maybe 2-3am, Challie and I were walking the track together when all of a sudden this woman comes up beside me and asks me if I am Jeff Holland.  I of course said yes.  She proceeds to tell me that she is the woman who is in 3rd place in individual fundraising behind me and that she is going to beat me.  That in the past she has been the overall winner for fundraising and that she still has plenty of donations to come.  I'm not sure if it was a threat or a challenge.  However, as competitive as I am, even I don't think I would have gone up to a complete stranger to inform them that I was going to beat them.  I'll have to give the woman credit though, she must have one large set of cojones.  Not sure that is what the whole event is about.  As she left, Challie and I had a bit of a chuckle, kept walking and then of course, had some not so flattering things to say about her.  Nothing bad, just 3am, tired of walking, cold, damp, hurting feet type of banter. 
As of this morning, I am sorry to report that although Renee (that is her name) has done an outstanding job, her total sits at $4375.00.   Mine is at $4375.05.  Guess I'm still in 2nd!  Can't imagine where that nickle came from????????????

However, the best news is that Team PGUMC finished 3rd in the overall standings.  An amazing feat for our team.  Never have we done so well.  As of this typing we have....drum roll please..................
$8928.46 
A hearty round of applause to all our supporters and team members.  You are the ones that made this happen!  Thank you.

(P.S. Obviously I am awake now.  I slept for 7 hours straight without moving.  My head is stuffy, I am coughing and blowing my nose constantly.  I think that is what a night in extreme damp, humid weather will do to you when you are in a t-shirt and shorts.   Time now for my first meal in over 24 hours and then I am heading back upstairs to my bed in hopes that I can make it to church tomorrow.)



Fundraising continues through August 31, 2013

Vaccination date set

 This morning at 8 a.m. we began the process of trying to get an appointment date.  I had 3 appointments at the Duke Cancer Center so I was ...